Some technical feedback for When It's Safe to Die

[AG31]

Hey, @electricblue66, terrific story. Here are a few thoughts.


"I knelt down to take my shoes off, and while I was there I undid Antony's laces."
It's important not to skip over these awkwardnesses. They bring the action home. Thanks.

"Or too much whiskey on a southbound train." Is this a literary allusion I don't know about? Or some Aussie colloquialism?

"sensation dropping to my cock, that good, deep weight inside which anchors me, gives my heart some place to go."
I'm constantly trying to describe this. I wish I'd thought of this way!

"rigid right up the centre of his gut." Another description I wish I'd thought of.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Hey, @electricblue66, terrific story. Here are a few thoughts.

Thanks AG31

"I knelt down to take my shoes off, and while I was there I undid Antony's laces."
It's important not to skip over these awkwardnesses. They bring the action home. Thanks.

Mustn't stumblr over laces, ever!

In other stories, my MC often divests himself of jeans and briefs in one combined movement, which is something a wise young woman taught me when I was twenty. "I want to see you get instantly hard for me, straight away, " she said, watching me undress. My first introduction to the Female Gaze, never forgotten.

"Or too much whiskey on a southbound train." Is this a literary allusion I don't know about? Or some Aussie colloquialism?

It's not an Aussie colloquialism, no. Call it my own literary allusion. I suspect the southbound train is alluding to "going down" with its familiar destination, and "too much whiskey" combines pleasure with disappointment. Very noir.

"sensation dropping to my cock, that good, deep weight inside which anchors me, gives my heart some place to go."
I'm constantly trying to describe this. I wish I'd thought of this way!

It's what happens, a deep, thick heaviness, deep within my body. It's more than the shaft of the cock, it's down at the base of the shaft, the base of my spine, within my balls

"rigid right up the centre of his gut." Another description I wish I'd thought of.

I describe myself!

 

[AG31]

In other stories, my MC often divests himself of jeans and briefs in one combined movement, which is something a wise young woman taught me when I was twenty. "I want to see you get instantly hard for me, straight away, " she said, watching me undress. My first introduction to the Female Gaze, never forgotten.

Thanks for this!