Anyone willing to help give some feedback for a new (returning) writer

[TheRedChamber]

I'm working in Asia and we recently had Golden Week, which I used productively to restart writing on Lit after publishing a couple of stories about eight years ago. I've published six new stories in various catagories in the last two/three weeks and would like to get some intelligent feedback before deciding on what to do next and how to improve. My list of stories is here:

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1936875&page=submissions

If anyone is looking for anything to read, I'd appreciate any comments and suggestions you might have. I'd describe the main features of my writing as follows:

1) One-shot stories with fairly complicated plots (considering the length).
2) More focus on story than on sex (one comment has suggested I'm getting the balance wrong)
3) They don't always have happy endings and people don't always say yes to everytihng.
4) A mix of male and female view points.
5) A wide range of catagories as I'm currently trying out things to see what works.
6) A not very serious to humourous writing style depending on the story.
7) I'm aware I need to get an editor and there are more minor mistakes than there should be.
8) British English - though actual settings vary.

List of Stories:

Before She's Thirty, Midnight in Italy,Barbie Ferrari: These are the stories I'm most proud of and are probably most typical of my current style. Two First Time stories and one that involves an inexperienced protagonist. Only the last one of these was rated 'hot', so it would be interesting to know if people think it is substantially better than the others.
How My Mother Met You A taboo story which stops just short of incest. Has been quite low rated. Not sure if this is because it doesn't match the usual tone of this catagory or if it has other problems (it's a bit melodramitic in places)
All Three HolesThis was the first story I published in my latest writing spree, and was maily intended to get over my long writers block. It's more of a stoke than anything else I've written and is a little on the gynocological side. It may have been better in non-Consent as I got a lot of complaints about the set-up (which I largely agree with).
The Sorcerer with a Thousand Names This is a long-form joke with a punchline. Practically no-one seems to view humour and this has the lowest number of votes of any of my stories despite remaining at number two for more than a week. (I had fun writing it though).
Sleeper TrainBeijing ChickenThese are my older stories from eight years ago. No need for feedback.

So that's me. Any suggestions on any story would be very welcome.

 

[HectorBidon]

I noticed the detailed comments you made on Nyloniana's story, and that prompted me to look at some of yours. I read several of them and enjoyed them quite a bit. You're a very proficient writer (although you should really take your final proofreading a bit more seriously). Your writing is witty and intelligent, a pleasure to read.

In "Midnight in Italy," the way you immerse us in the characters' mindset ("The glance was the key to understanding Leandro's whole philosophy on love..."), the way you plot out Leandro's conquest as if it were a military campaign—the gathering of intelligence, the strategizing, the weighing of alternatives, the marshaling of forces—were really well done. Not a single boring paragraph, not a sentence that didn't wink with narratorial attitude.

That said, though, the story wasn't particularly erotic. The reading pleasure was pretty much all intellectual. The titillation, like indeed the rest of the action, was secondary to what was going on in the character's heads. "Leondro looked at the bedside clock as he plunged his dick into the moaning girl." I think that many readers, especially in the First Time category, are looking for something a little more romantic than just wit and chronological technicalities.

Leandro and Gabby are more stereotypes than real people: the lothario, the American brat, cast together in a droll comedy of manners. They're very well drawn, the situations are witty and amusing, but there's no heart, no real emotion. This came through especially at the end when you just summarily—and to my mind kind of cruelly—dismissed them both through Sienna's wanton trickery. The ending left a bad taste in my mouth, and showed me that you didn't really care about any of them as real people; they were just characters in your story being manipulated for this or that effect.

Your scores overall are not that bad. If you keep writing and posting you'll continue to attract an audience and build up a fan base. One thing about Lit is that there is a wide readership, at least a subset of which is open to intelligent, literate prose.

One of the other things about Lit, though, is that it sort of calls out for feelings and emotion. Can you find it in yourself to imagine a story with a happy ending? One with characters that you really do care about? In which they come together and achieve at least some semblance of mutual fulfillment? Can you imagine an intimacy that brings two people, at least for a time, out of their own heads and into some sort of genuine communion?

Your other stories, "Sleeper Train," "Before She's Thirty," and "Ferrari," do have elements of this. That could be why their scores are somewhat better.

All of your stories are good, well-written, and entertaining. You're a very good writer. The common wisdom is that you should write what you want and not sweat too much the reception you receive. (This is a porn site, after all). But I think that the more you make your characters relatable and empathetic, and the more you try to communicate genuine emotion as well as mental strategization, the more glowing the comments you are likely to receive.

So, welcome back. Glad to have you. Hope there are more golden weeks to come.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Thanks for taking the time to look over my stories. I really appreciate your encouragement and suggestions.

With regards to 'titilation' that's definitely something I'm going to have to look at closely and work on. As you note, I tend not to 'waste' paragraphs and so tend to avoid 'then they did the same thing again only hanging from the chandaliers' type sex writing, even when that might be what readers are after. I might write a couple of stroke style stories to experiment with ways to do this.

I think you are right about the characters in 'Midnight in Italy' in that, early in development, I had the idea for a 'nice' ending and a 'cruel' ending and once I'd chosen the cruel ending I kind of leant into the idea of it being about 'horrible people doing horrible things' and was happy to play up the stereotypes a bit more.

Do you think that your issues with the ending would have been migated (to any extent) by the final section being written from Gabby's point of view or is it the nature of what happens that is the main issue? I originally was going to have a scene with her waking up, being happy, being nice to her parents, and talking about studying in Italy (with the nice version leading into one final meeting with Leondro and the nasty version having things play out the same just from her POV). Given that I agree the ending is mean-spiriited, writing from her POV felt a bit too tragic for the tone I'd set previously. It may have been worth giving her one more scene either before or after Sienna's.

I'll also have more of a think about endings. Tragic endings seem easier to do than happy endings, which often end up as 'Same time next week?' in a lot of stories (although again this may be what readers want).

Thanks again for your help.

 

[HectorBidon]

Titillation doesn't have to involve chandeliers, it only has to arouse. Even if there are only so many ways to describe the act itself, there are an infinite number of ways to get there. In "Sleeper Train" you gave us the peek down Tingting's blouse, the flirting, the embarrassed gazes while something was going on on the lower bunks. That's erotica. All that innuendo and sly suggestion that you're so good at, but channeled in the right direction. You don't necessarily have to get the reader off, but you have to at least try to get them in the mood.

"Midnight" doesn't really deliver in this department. Leondro's main desire is to score bragging rights, Gabby's to take advantage of an opportunity. The story delivers a lot of chuckles, but not much, well, blood flow.

A final scene showing Gabby starting to grow up might have made her a more sympathetic character in the eyes of the reader. Then her final disposition might have carried more emotional impact, whichever way you went: Leondro showing up with his final parting gift and a warm smile, or Sienna's callous "Plan B is easy enough to buy at the airport." On the other hand, having Gabby suddenly being nice to her parents might come across as contrived and sappy.

Meanness of spirit probably doesn't do so well in the First Time category. My sense is along the lines given in Writer's Resources / How to break the Literotica Top List:

[First Time is] primarily about the loss of virginity, ... innocent teens being gently and lovingly led toward adulthood. . . The girl should be a little hesitant, as good girls should be, but still willing and sweet. . . This category is truly about the loss of innocence, and the impact of that upon a character.

"Midnight" is as much about the deflowerer as the defloweree, and there's not a lot of innocence or much consideration of impact. So perhaps the story might have fared better in Erotic Couplings.

As far as choosing the way a story should go, there are I suppose two main schools of thought. There are many authors here who work hard to try to figure out and deliver what it is that readers are looking for. You'll find no end of discussion about this on the Author's Hangout. I might have expected a little better response to this thread as well. Or you can study the works of popular authors yourself (Are you familiar with dr_mabeuse?)

But there are other authors who just write mainly to appease their own inner demons (or inner angels or inner Willy Lomans or whatever). They don't particularly bother with market research; they already know what it is they're trying to say, or at least they recognize it when they've torn their way through enough rough drafts. They make their choices by looking inside to see what rings true.

Kind of depends on what you're after yourself, and how seriously you want to pursue it.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Yes, having read it again, there's less going on in the 'sex' chapter than I thought there was.

Thanks again for the comments. I guess one thing to bear in mind in future is that just because it features a 'first time' doesn't mean it needs to go in 'first time'. There's obviously a happy medium between writing -your- story and knowing how that story is likely to be recieved by others in different catagories.

When I first published a story here 8 year ago, I seem to remember these forums being a lot more active for feedback. Both my and Nylonian's threads didn't get a lot of response this time and the place seems quieter.

I'll have a look at some of dr_mabeuse's stories when I have some time.