Some Senryu for critique

[AlinaX]

Opinons? After these one or two I'm going to sit down and have a long think about the excellent advice in this thread, and come back with more in a week or so,

He watches from afar
Imagining her naked
Calling for the lash

I only would ask what or who the focus is here. Him?

perv in the bushes
his restless hand clenching
a whip for her skin

Or her?

a flash of garter
she bares a red-lashed cheek
to tease the night

 

[AlinaX]

Nude and together
Surrounded by tense darkness
Passion binds them close

I like these newer ones. I'm commenting mainly because you asked for it.

But I think you need to focus on the scene you are painting rather than the interpretation of it.

limbs intertwined
an island of fire
amidst slithering dark

 

[AlinaX]

By the way, if you just want to have fun and practise 5-7-5, come join us in Haiku.

 

[DarkOfWrite]

I like these newer ones. I'm commenting mainly because you asked for it.

But I think you need to focus on the scene you are painting rather than the interpretation of it.

limbs intertwined
an island of fire
amidst slithering dark

That's a really good point. Thanks again. I'm going to re-visit a few ideas and come back in a few days.