Some Senryu for critique

[DarkOfWrite]

I've written a few of these, and thought I'd post a couple for feedback. They don't all strictly follow the rules of the genre, but any constructive feedback is welcomed. It's fine if you don't like them, just say why you don't like them (or if you do) so that I can improve.

Nude at the window

The cold glass flattens her breasts

Do the neighbours watch?

 

[DarkOfWrite]

A nudist awaits

Watching the sun rise higher

To caress their skin

 

[DarkOfWrite]

Wearing mask and chains

Her fingers clench in pleasure

At her passions edge

 

[AlinaX]

I've written a few of these, and thought I'd post a couple for feedback. They don't all strictly follow the rules of the genre, but any constructive feedback is welcomed. It's fine if you don't like them, just say why you don't like them (or if you do) so that I can improve.

Nude at the window

The cold glass flattens her breasts

Do the neighbours watch?

Tempted to rewrite a little:

nude at the window
the neighbours watch the cold glass
flattening her breasts

 

[AlinaX]

A nudist awaits

Watching the sun rise higher

To caress their skin

Inspiring this:

sundial at sunrise
the shadow's caress gives rise
to morning's glory

 

[AlinaX]

Wearing mask and chains

Her fingers clench in pleasure

At her passions edge

This feels heavy from the syllable count. Maybe instead:

wearing mask and chains
her fingers clench
at passion's edge

 

[DarkOfWrite]

This feels heavy from the syllable count. Maybe instead:

wearing mask and chains
her fingers clench
at passion's edge

I think you're right. Thank you. I'll have a bit more of a think on your excellent thoughts and see where it takes me!
I am not worthy...

 

[Piscator]

Tempted to rewrite a little:

nude at the window
the neighbours watch the cold glass
flattening her breasts

Tempted to rewrite a little:

nude at the window
the neighbours watch the cold glass
flattening her breasts

you might consider tweaking the last line to "nipples at attention"

 

[AlinaX]

the press of nipples
against cold glass watched
by neighbours

 

[DarkOfWrite]

the press of nipples
against cold glass watched
by neighbours

Working on one or two more. WIll post them shortly.

 

[DarkOfWrite]

One or two more. Constructive feedback invited.


Thrown off carelessly

Their clothing covers the ground

The orgy begins

 

[DarkOfWrite]

Shedding her clothing

She faces the camera

Eager to be wild

 

[AlinaX]

One or two more. Constructive feedback invited.


Thrown off carelessly

Their clothing covers the ground

The orgy begins

It's always a good idea to ask whether 'the' needs to be used at all.

Try to avoid it reading like three distinct lines.

Implication can work better than narrative.

Strong imagery works well.

lacy red thong
amidst discarded clothing
morning dew

 

[AlinaX]

Shedding her clothing

She faces the camera

Eager to be wild

Maybe. Just to twist it a little:

she sheds her skin
reborn and wild
for the camera

 

[vagrantx]

Maybe. Just to twist it a little:

she sheds her skin
reborn and wild
for the camera

Not one to critique poetry, but, the mental images from this are less hot and more Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, but maybe that's just me

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Not one to critique poetry, but, the mental images from this are less hot and more Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, but maybe that's just me

Maybe shell, like that of a seedling/nut, instead of skin might do the trick?

 

[AlinaX]

Maybe I have a thing for snakes.

ETA: https://taniamarie.com/tag/snake-skin-symbolism/

 

[DarkOfWrite]

Folks, many thanks for all the feedback. Some excellent points and advice. I'll keep at it and put another one or two up soon. Really appreciate it.

 

[DarkOfWrite]

It's always a good idea to ask whether 'the' needs to be used at all.

Try to avoid it reading like three distinct lines.

Implication can work better than narrative.

Strong imagery works well.

lacy red thong
amidst discarded clothing
morning dew

I like that image!

 

[Angeline]

Hello DarkOfWrite. I haven't written a lot of Senryu but I think you're getting great advice in this thread. I especially like AlinaX's comments about strong imagery and losing unnecessary words like "the." I find that in any kind of poetry, the more specific the better. So instead of clothes thrown on the ground, which could be anything, the image of a lacy red thong puts a clear image in the reader's mind. Again, instead of simply "removing her clothing," you could be more specific, maybe say something like "unhooking her bra." "Eager to be wild" is pretty good imo but you could imply that and be more specific if you replaced your last line with something like "with a wicked smile."

Also I'd single space the Senryu. I find the double spacing distracting and anything that takes the reader out of the world you're trying to present in those three lines weakens the poem. Just my opinion (and I'm often better at giving advice than following it lol), but everything about a poem should be intentional: word choice, line breaks, punctuation, even the way you integrate space on the page.

 

[DarkOfWrite]

Hello DarkOfWrite. I haven't written a lot of Senryu but I think you're getting great advice in this thread. I especially like AlinaX's comments about strong imagery and losing unnecessary words like "the." I find that in any kind of poetry, the more specific the better. So instead of clothes thrown on the ground, which could be anything, the image of a lacy red thong puts a clear image in the reader's mind. Again, instead of simply "removing her clothing," you could be more specific, maybe say something like "unhooking her bra." "Eager to be wild" is pretty good imo but you could imply that and be more specific if you replaced your last line with something like "with a wicked smile."

Also I'd single space the Senryu. I find the double spacing distracting and anything that takes the reader out of the world you're trying to present in those three lines weakens the poem. Just my opinion (and I'm often better at giving advice than following it lol), but everything about a poem should be intentional: word choice, line breaks, punctuation, even the way you integrate space on the page.

Again, my thanks. I'm refining a couple that I'll put up in the next couple of days for further critique. Cheers!

 

[DarkOfWrite]

Dosen't feel quite right. Thoughts?

Sees her reflection
Her nude body in her view
Aged to perfection

 

[AlinaX]

I don't know. Try:

narcissus weeps
her nude reflection aged
to perfection

 

[DarkOfWrite]

Opinons? After these one or two I'm going to sit down and have a long think about the excellent advice in this thread, and come back with more in a week or so,

He watches from afar
Imagining her naked
Calling for the lash

 

[DarkOfWrite]

Nude and together
Surrounded by tense darkness
Passion binds them close