Sex once this year
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pplwatching
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You are welcome. Unfortunately, sometimes the way forward means giving up something that we cherish in order to move ahead in our lives. Other times, it's a matter of commitment and hard work overcoming personal fears or demons that we'd rather not confront.
In our case, my wife realized that our marriage was in a major crisis and chose to join me in doing the hard work both sexually and emotionally. We are in a much better place now. We average about once a week, sometimes twice if the stars are aligned. She will even initiate once in a while if our lives get too hectic and sex gets put on the back burner. It means a lot to me that she's keeping her eye on the ball. Once a week may not sound great but it's working for both of us and now we are very generous with touches, hugs, hand holding, and a lot of other things that used to paralyze her out of fear that "we'd have to have sex".
I wish everyone the best on their journey, and if you choose to stay in your marriage for whatever reason I hope that you can help your spouse see that they can live their vows in spite of everything our bodies and life put us through.
In our case, my wife realized that our marriage was in a major crisis and chose to join me in doing the hard work both sexually and emotionally. We are in a much better place now. We average about once a week, sometimes twice if the stars are aligned. She will even initiate once in a while if our lives get too hectic and sex gets put on the back burner. It means a lot to me that she's keeping her eye on the ball. Once a week may not sound great but it's working for both of us and now we are very generous with touches, hugs, hand holding, and a lot of other things that used to paralyze her out of fear that "we'd have to have sex".
I wish everyone the best on their journey, and if you choose to stay in your marriage for whatever reason I hope that you can help your spouse see that they can live their vows in spite of everything our bodies and life put us through.
mixed_chick
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Good lord - I wish I found this thread months ago! My situation isn't exactly the same but reading every single line of this thread gave me perspective to the other side and would have helped me get to where I am now a lot sooner.
BF and I have just recently split because there was no sex/intimacy. 4 years together - first 2 perfect. The last 2 years, sex maybe 5 or 6 times.
Lots of factors at play - lost my job and BC did a huge number on my libido. At some point, I felt like I was just a disappointment to him. He would try to initiate or ask for sex in ways that drove me crazy (not in the good way). New job interrupted vacations. I couldn't get him to support me emotionally or understand that there would be times where getting out of work would be impossible.
We "talked" about the lack on sex over the last 2 years but it just seemed like nothing ever got resolved from either end. I used "talked" in quotes just because neither of us really opened up to the other - they were more topical type discussions and we both suffer from communication issues. I was trying to do what I could to change things, but it was all too little too late for him.
At the end, he was done with trying (as he put it) and didn't want to be in a roommate type situation. He had this issue with his ex-wife and didn't want to do it again. Now, I am trying to get the help I need thru counseling, because my goal is ultimately be a better person for whoever I end up with. Reading this thread helps to understand how a relationship can end up here and know others are going thru it too.
BF and I have just recently split because there was no sex/intimacy. 4 years together - first 2 perfect. The last 2 years, sex maybe 5 or 6 times.
Lots of factors at play - lost my job and BC did a huge number on my libido. At some point, I felt like I was just a disappointment to him. He would try to initiate or ask for sex in ways that drove me crazy (not in the good way). New job interrupted vacations. I couldn't get him to support me emotionally or understand that there would be times where getting out of work would be impossible.
We "talked" about the lack on sex over the last 2 years but it just seemed like nothing ever got resolved from either end. I used "talked" in quotes just because neither of us really opened up to the other - they were more topical type discussions and we both suffer from communication issues. I was trying to do what I could to change things, but it was all too little too late for him.
At the end, he was done with trying (as he put it) and didn't want to be in a roommate type situation. He had this issue with his ex-wife and didn't want to do it again. Now, I am trying to get the help I need thru counseling, because my goal is ultimately be a better person for whoever I end up with. Reading this thread helps to understand how a relationship can end up here and know others are going thru it too.
NextDoorSecret
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I'm glad it helps someone. I think it's really important when one can see from the other side.
I'd give almost anything for him to recognize it as a problem so I'd say you are doing a really good thing by recognizing it. Good luck.
mixed_chick
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I'm glad it helps someone. I think it's really important when one can see from the other side.
I'd give almost anything for him to recognize it as a problem so I'd say you are doing a really good thing by recognizing it. Good luck.
I'm with you NDS - right now, I wish he would get it but he's shut me out in that aspect and had said counselling isn't worth it. His 'been there, done that and it didn't work the last time with my ex' mentality is his driving factor for not doing it again. And part of him truly feels like he's done nothing wrong. I've apologized for my part in this and he has firmly remained unapologetic. He'll continue to have this communication issue until he figures it out.
He's already moving on by trying to get what he needs sexually from somewhere/one else. And since our relationship is over, I can only better myself for myself.
I feel for you and truly want this to have a happy ending (whatever that might be) for you. You have strength beyond measure. I hope we all can continue to be a support system or sounding board for each other.
R
ratherabsurd1
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This is something that I really don;t like to say but it is so true. It will always be a 2 way street. He has to want you for the amazing woman you are and he can't or won't see what he is doing to you. I know in my marriage she finally left me but she had to want to make it work for both of us. Kent
Hipshot1554
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Maybe we should just re-shuffle the deck! I wish!!!
NextDoorSecret
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It's couple night, at my insistence tonight. That means dinner and if there are cocktails I'll lose my battle with myself and try to get him to sleep with me and it won't happen and tomorrow I'll be back here pissed off and ready to throw caution to the wind (Pessimist)
Or, maybe I'm wrong and tonight will be the night he realizes that he's missing something and I'll come back and write something sappy like "and we lived happily ever after" (Optimist)
Or most likely we'll have dinner, it will be perfectly pleasant, I'll try to flirt with him, he'll not recognize the flirting for flirting, I'll try to seduce him after some wine and instead we'll be home by 9, watching netflix on the couch until I give up trying to get him to go to bed with me and tomorrow I'll feel like a failure and want to cry.
(realist)
Or, maybe I'm wrong and tonight will be the night he realizes that he's missing something and I'll come back and write something sappy like "and we lived happily ever after" (Optimist)
Or most likely we'll have dinner, it will be perfectly pleasant, I'll try to flirt with him, he'll not recognize the flirting for flirting, I'll try to seduce him after some wine and instead we'll be home by 9, watching netflix on the couch until I give up trying to get him to go to bed with me and tomorrow I'll feel like a failure and want to cry.
(realist)
R
ratherabsurd1
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The problem is, that male homo sapiens are not particularly sapient when it comes to hints.
He will probably get a hint along the line of putting your arm around him, nibbling his ear or starting to undress.
But anything short of that?
He will probably get a hint along the line of putting your arm around him, nibbling his ear or starting to undress.
But anything short of that?
pplwatching
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I'm going to offer completely unsolicited advice and suggest the 2 x 4 approach, because I did the "hint, pussy foot, walk on egg shells, seduce, fail, pity party, wash, rinse, repeat" routine for a long time and it got me nowhere but miserable.
Hit him with the 2 x 4. Don't expect him to be a mind reader, no matter how obvious you and the rest of the world think your advances are and don't let him brush you off. You say, "Just in case I've gotten a little rusty, this is me flirting with you because I still think that you are as handsome as the day that we met." (Put a little salve on the 2x4).
2 x 4 : "Just to be clear, this is me initiating sex. We are going to turn off this movie because our marriage is in a world of trouble, and we are going to fix it together. If you are giving me a rain check, then give me a day where we can turn off the world and focus on our marriage, and at least try to have sex, and I will hold you to it."
There is no reason to feel like a failure when you've tried and made your intentions perfectly clear. The failure is then on him. There are no saints or martyrs in a marriage, only partners. Tell him in no uncertain terms that your marriage needs more romance, intimacy, and sex and that you expect him to get back into the game because you are neither a saint nor a martyr, and that's what marriage partners do if their marriage means anything to them. If he is unwilling to be your partner, then you won't nag or cajole, but you will have to re-evaluate your marriage to a man who refuses to meet the needs of the woman that he professes to love.
If he's worried, having performance issues, or whatever then tell him that you know that it won't always be a guaranteed thing or be automatic, but that you need him to show you that he loves you and finds you attractive even if you have to try again next time. You don't even have to have sex if you can at least focus on being attentive to each other, even if it leads to your arousal. My wife and I did this. Sometimes I would get aroused, sometimes she would get aroused, and sometimes I would and she wouldn't. When she didn't, she would compassionately help me masturbate and I loved the attention, the fact that she was there with me, and the affirmation that my sexuality was important to her even though we were still working on "us". When she got aroused, we both enjoyed it. If she didn't, she showed me that she still wanted me to enjoy at least some kind of sex with her.
The bottom line, and what enabled us to move forward was that we both had to be available and create opportunities for closeness, emotional intimacy, and sex out of love for each other and our love of our marriage. It was a process that took some time, but eventually we got to the point where she was able to relax and go with the flow. We eventually figured out that about once a week works pretty well.
My suggestion is to put it all on the table, don't expect him to pick up on flirtation, and don't let him ignore your seduction because he will do it as long as you let him.
Just don't put nails in the 2 x 4.
ETA : P.S. Good luck
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NextDoorSecret
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I wish I could report back with better news, but it went about as I expected. We had a great dinner, enjoyed one another's company, talked about lots of things, had a couple drinks, I flirted subtly. Came home. I flirted less casually, still no real response.
I sat on his lap and nibbled his neck, he smiled, shifted and picked up the remote. I whispered in his ear that I was hoping we weren't going to turn on the tv and go upstairs for some OTHER form of entertainment. He switched on the tv.
I said, so are you saying no? He sorta smiled and said "not tonight, it's late (it was 9oclock)you're tired, you've got a long day tomorrow" and kissed my forehead.
I said, "I didn't say a thing about being tired, and even if I was..."
And he just said, "not tonight" and switched on the tv
um... I don't even know how to take that.
So I went and took a shower and then went to bed to read.
I sat on his lap and nibbled his neck, he smiled, shifted and picked up the remote. I whispered in his ear that I was hoping we weren't going to turn on the tv and go upstairs for some OTHER form of entertainment. He switched on the tv.
I said, so are you saying no? He sorta smiled and said "not tonight, it's late (it was 9oclock)you're tired, you've got a long day tomorrow" and kissed my forehead.
I said, "I didn't say a thing about being tired, and even if I was..."
And he just said, "not tonight" and switched on the tv
um... I don't even know how to take that.
So I went and took a shower and then went to bed to read.
suckonsimon
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My dear ...
There's a very deep tangle of dysfunction goin' on in your man's mind and heart, I would venture to say. That he needed to do the diversionary thing of trying to persuade himself that you were tired - ... are you sure he is not keeping some huge secret from you, such as that he has another life and perhaps another woman and his guilt about cheating on you has 'frozen' him from any possibility of intimacy with you? I know I am off on a crazy tangent here, but there has to be some big thing which as yet you have not been able to identify, surely?
Is there some really fine guy somewhere near you who would very calmly and affectionately give his body to you for a couple of hours? I so would like that for you!
There's a very deep tangle of dysfunction goin' on in your man's mind and heart, I would venture to say. That he needed to do the diversionary thing of trying to persuade himself that you were tired - ... are you sure he is not keeping some huge secret from you, such as that he has another life and perhaps another woman and his guilt about cheating on you has 'frozen' him from any possibility of intimacy with you? I know I am off on a crazy tangent here, but there has to be some big thing which as yet you have not been able to identify, surely?
Is there some really fine guy somewhere near you who would very calmly and affectionately give his body to you for a couple of hours? I so would like that for you!
NextDoorSecret
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I don't know. I thought I knew? If he's cheating, then he must be exceptional at it. There's not a hint in his cell phone, he doesn't hide his passwords. I had to reset our phone password the other day and asked him for it and he told me to just log into his email to get it. He doesn't really go out much at all without me or the kids except to work. He spends a lot of time online, but who doesn't?
I asked him recently point blank if he had someone else and told him I wouldn't be upset, that that was the moment to tell me. That if that's what he needed I'd support that. He denied it.
I honestly don't know what to think.
Meanwhile... I got up this morning and can't decide if I need to go hit the gym or eat 3 donuts, because carbs are yummy and no one seems to care if I work out or not.
I dont' think I have anyone that would fit that bill without a lot of complication. Maybe I should post an ad. LOL
I can see it now...
"Wanted Ryan Gosling look alike for casual sex. Must be willing to have sex at least semi-regularly. Must not want relationship. "
Except I don't think that would work for me because I think I need a connection to be attracted to someone.
Ugh. I suck.
suckonsimon
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Have the donuts darling. You're an attractive woman before eating them, and after too. 
NextDoorSecret
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Have the donuts darling. You're an attractive woman before eating them, and after too.
Thanks.
I skipped the donuts. I ate granola and yogurt I did consider putting vodka in my orange juice though.
I don't stay cranky for long luckily, it's a beautiful day, there's a whole world of things to do right?
Sex isn't everything?
Quick someone agree with me.
suckonsimon
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Thanks.
I did consider putting vodka in my orange juice though.
I don't stay cranky for long luckily, it's a beautiful day, there's a whole world of things to do right?
Sex isn't everything?
Quick someone agree with me.
Here's you showing it without even intending to - what a stunning woman you are! You got me smiling right the other side of the Atlantic!
pplwatching
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Sorry to hear that no sparks flew. Do you have a plan for holding his feet to the fire, so to speak?
Do you have a plan for holding his feet to the fire, so to speak?
NextDoorSecret
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I hate when I type a long post and I hit the wrong button and it disappears.
I told him a bit ago that if things didn't change, I was going to be forced to do something about it. Nothing has changed and I'm sad, hurt, frustrated and pissed off that I'm even in this situation.
Now I'm at the point where I feel like I am likely going to have to look elsewhere for physical intimacy if I ever expect to have any again and I'm lost. I don't even know how to start. Lit is great for chatting with like minded people, but I want actual physical contact and I have no idea how to go about that. I haven't "dated" in ages, I barely remember how to flirt, I want to be honest with someone and tell them "Oh I need to be sure we get close enough that we feel comfortable for intimacy, and to feel a level of trust, but we can't get really close because I'm staying married" and yet, I'm sure that anyone in the age range I'm looking at has to be looking for more than that right?
I'm not looking for a one night stand, I'd want it to be longer term, because doing this once is overwhelming I can't imagine having to do it repeatedly. A real friends with benefits situation I guess, but how does one actually find that?
Last night I browsed my local personals, how impersonal is all I can say. Ugh.
And it would be just my lucky day that if I were to go that route, I'd get caught up in some sex sting where they think I'm a hooker or something.
Someone from work is out.
I don't have anyone appropriate in my social circle.
I am fairly high profile in my community so a dating app could/would be awkward, plus the idea that my children find out is daunting.
I'm just venting I think. I have no where else to discuss this, no one I can talk to about this because the judgement would be astounding. It's reasonable that I'm pissed off about this right?
If you're still reading, thanks.
I told him a bit ago that if things didn't change, I was going to be forced to do something about it. Nothing has changed and I'm sad, hurt, frustrated and pissed off that I'm even in this situation.
Now I'm at the point where I feel like I am likely going to have to look elsewhere for physical intimacy if I ever expect to have any again and I'm lost. I don't even know how to start. Lit is great for chatting with like minded people, but I want actual physical contact and I have no idea how to go about that. I haven't "dated" in ages, I barely remember how to flirt, I want to be honest with someone and tell them "Oh I need to be sure we get close enough that we feel comfortable for intimacy, and to feel a level of trust, but we can't get really close because I'm staying married" and yet, I'm sure that anyone in the age range I'm looking at has to be looking for more than that right?
I'm not looking for a one night stand, I'd want it to be longer term, because doing this once is overwhelming I can't imagine having to do it repeatedly. A real friends with benefits situation I guess, but how does one actually find that?
Last night I browsed my local personals, how impersonal is all I can say. Ugh.
And it would be just my lucky day that if I were to go that route, I'd get caught up in some sex sting where they think I'm a hooker or something.
Someone from work is out.
I don't have anyone appropriate in my social circle.
I am fairly high profile in my community so a dating app could/would be awkward, plus the idea that my children find out is daunting.
I'm just venting I think. I have no where else to discuss this, no one I can talk to about this because the judgement would be astounding. It's reasonable that I'm pissed off about this right?
If you're still reading, thanks.
Jakeransome
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I hate when I type a long post and I hit the wrong button and it disappears.
I told him a bit ago that if things didn't change, I was going to be forced to do something about it. Nothing has changed and I'm sad, hurt, frustrated and pissed off that I'm even in this situation.
Now I'm at the point where I feel like I am likely going to have to look elsewhere for physical intimacy if I ever expect to have any again and I'm lost. I don't even know how to start. Lit is great for chatting with like minded people, but I want actual physical contact and I have no idea how to go about that. I haven't "dated" in ages, I barely remember how to flirt, I want to be honest with someone and tell them "Oh I need to be sure we get close enough that we feel comfortable for intimacy, and to feel a level of trust, but we can't get really close because I'm staying married" and yet, I'm sure that anyone in the age range I'm looking at has to be looking for more than that right?
I'm not looking for a one night stand, I'd want it to be longer term, because doing this once is overwhelming I can't imagine having to do it repeatedly. A real friends with benefits situation I guess, but how does one actually find that?
Last night I browsed my local personals, how impersonal is all I can say. Ugh.
And it would be just my lucky day that if I were to go that route, I'd get caught up in some sex sting where they think I'm a hooker or something.
Someone from work is out.
I don't have anyone appropriate in my social circle.
I am fairly high profile in my community so a dating app could/would be awkward, plus the idea that my children find out is daunting.
I'm just venting I think. I have no where else to discuss this, no one I can talk to about this because the judgement would be astounding. It's reasonable that I'm pissed off about this right?
If you're still reading, thanks.
If you ever need to chat I'm always open. I'm going threw the same thing right now.
NextDoorSecret
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How are you dealing with it? Do you have a plan or are you just winging it?
NightL
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So if your closest friend came to you expressing a situation as you have divulged here in this thread, what would your advice be to her?
Show him this thread.
NextDoorSecret
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I'd tell her to have an affair.
I've considered showing him this. I have discussed every topic and suggestion that has come up in it with him. The only reason I haven't actually shown him is then I lose my place to talk about it and this is the only place I have to do so.
Jakeransome
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Right now just winging it.
