Seeking feedback

[Sfsppe]

I am NOT a poet, but I wrote this to express myself. (It’s my first attempt) Nevertheless, I’m kind of a perfectionist and would respectfully request any feedback ya’ll might offer before I publish. Thanks so much and please comment if you have questions or advice!

The Caper

You are a mystery. A treasure. A sly thief. I’m smart yet I cannot fathom how quickly you stole my heart. My head spins.

I wonder about you. Random shit. What would it feel like to hold you. To laugh. To have a fight. To console you. To cheer you on. To get dressed up together. To see beautiful things in far-away places. To eat cereal at breakfast. To experience the ecstasy of your head on my chest as we sleep.

What would your hair smell like as you lay there, your head gently rising and falling as I breathe. Probably not good. An hours-old remnant of shampoo mixed with sweat from work. Weed. Cum. Yet no odor I can imagine would be sweeter.

My heart aches because I can’t do ordinary things with you.

You are a thief and I never saw you coming.

 

[Angeline]

I am NOT a poet, but I wrote this to express myself. (It’s my first attempt) Nevertheless, I’m kind of a perfectionist and would respectfully request any feedback ya’ll might offer before I publish. Thanks so much and please comment if you have questions or advice!

The Caper

You are a mystery. A treasure. A sly thief. I’m smart yet I cannot fathom how quickly you stole my heart. My head spins.

I wonder about you. Random shit. What would it feel like to hold you. To laugh. To have a fight. To console you. To cheer you on. To get dressed up together. To see beautiful things in far-away places. To eat cereal at breakfast. To experience the ecstasy of your head on my chest as we sleep.

What would your hair smell like as you lay there, your head gently rising and falling as I breathe. Probably not good. An hours-old remnant of shampoo mixed with sweat from work. Weed. Cum. Yet no odor I can imagine would be sweeter.

My heart aches because I can’t do ordinary things with you.

You are a thief and I never saw you coming.

Hi and welcome to the poetry forum. You say you're not a poet, but you've written a poem so I guess you are, although a new one.

Anyone can publish on Literotica as long as they follow the site's guidelines. It's not like you're submitting for publication somewhere you'd be judged against others doing the same. Still I get your desire to do the best job possible.

You can't become a good poet overnight. Like anything it takes practice. I don't think what you wrote is bad. You have a theme (the narrator is obsessed with someone and wants to be with them), and you're consistent with it to the last line. That last line is quite good imo and is currently the best part of the poem. You've got some specifics in there (generalities are boring in most writing). These are all positives.

No one here can rewrite your poem-- not that you asked--but if you want to work at improving it, there are a few things you can try. I'll list them. If I missed anything important maybe others here will chime in.

1. Good poetry should be about showing, not telling. It's better to use an image or a simile or metaphor to get things across in more interesting ways than explaining or informing. For example a short poem about the ocean that uses descriptive words other than well-known ones like water, blue or waves will likely produce more interesting writing.

2. Make sure you delete any unnecessary words. If they're not essential they're not helping.

3. Poetry is distinguished from prose (mostly) in the way the lines are broken. In prose you read to the end of a paragraph before moving on; in poems you read to the end of a line. So in poetry, where you end a line and the word you choose to end a line is important. And just like prose can use chapters to separate sections, poems can use verses or unrhymed groups of lines to separate ideas. So where and how you end lines and whether or not you put space between groups of lines can strengthen your poem.

4. Obviously proofread your work.

I know this is a lot but I hope it helps. There are many resources, challenges and friendly folks on this forum if you want to continue writing poems. Stick around if you're interested! Best of luck with your writing.

 

[Angeline]

I forgot to add o) that the best way to improve is reading poems, discovering what you like and thinking about what exactly you like about the poems that appeal to you. Then you can try to replicate those things in your own writing.

 

[Sfsppe]

Thank you so much for you kind and considerate response. I really appreciate your time! I’ll keep working on it!

I forgot to add o) that the best way to improve is reading poems, discovering what you like and thinking about what exactly you like about the poems that appeal to you. Then you can try to replicate those things in your own writing.

 

[Angeline]

Thank you so much for you kind and considerate response. I really appreciate your time! I’ll keep working on it!

My pleasure. Please feel free to stick around and join in if you're interested. I'm one of the moderators here so if you need help let me know.