Mental Health...

[KentBloke]

I thought hard before posting this as it is a very personal poem/song. I suffer from depression and PTSD after a number of occasions where I followed ambulances with my wife inside that, on two occasions, suddenly lit up and accelerated as things inside got more serious. I have also had two Doctor's (two separate occasions) tell me that I may not be taking her home... you can guess what happened inside me when I heard those words!
So... I wrote this a while ago and have decided to see if it resonates with anyone else. It has a tune (in my head) and could be a song... or it could just be the ramblings of a 60+ year old with too much going on inside his head! I would love your feedback and, if it does strike a chord with you, you now know you aren't alone!


The battlefield lies silent as the Last Man Standing stumbles to the single point of light that shines throughout this endless night...

The things he fights all have his face, their bodies littering this place, twisted parodies of him at other times of Life...

They always come, they hunt in packs, mindless as they launch their attacks,

Some have claws and some have insect wings upon their broken backs...

He will not yield... or leave the field,

He won't lay down his arms or bend his knee till he brings back the man She needs him to be...

The field of battle is his own mind as the horrors there, of every kind, are conjured from the darkest depths of his now shattered mind

Every dream is now filled with fighting, brutal, long,

And now his heart is filled with just one mantra, one man's lonely battle song!

I will not yield... or leave the field...

I won't lay down my arms or bend my knee till I'm again the man She needs me to be...

There is no place I want to be without her smile...

Hers is the Love that drives me over every single, bloody mile,

I will not yield... or leave the field...

I won't lay down my arms or bend my knee, I will be the man She needs me to be...

 

[butters]

this comes across as written with conviction, passion, and knowledge

it does have a lyrical quality, especially with the refrains, that would sit nicely with a musical score BUT it works as a poem in its own right.

as a poem, perhaps some experimenting with the line lengths would help, and i found myself falling out of the read a little in the mid-section here because of your layout rather than the imagery/content:

The field of battle is his own mind as the horrors there, of every kind, are conjured from the darkest depths of his now shattered mind

Every dream is now filled with fighting, brutal, long,

And now his heart is filled with just one mantra, one man's lonely battle song!

As a song, this may not be such a concern as it could register that notable tempo change to underscore a theme before returning to the patterns prior to it. As a poem, it read a little clunky whereas i coasted through the former lines, throwing me out of the whole writer/reader connection that happens when the reader's fully engaged in the piece.

I think it's fair to say that most of us here have found poetry a safety-valve; without its release in difficult times our brains might have gone bye-bye instead. This is especially relevant when a person feels they have no-one they can saddle with listening to all the pain, anger, despair they may be feeling at the time, protecting others by not speaking or simply just not having someone to confide in. Write it out. It does several things: it brings it out when it's too big to keep inside, for starters. Secondly, it can help clarify exactly what you are feeling and why—which gives you a chance to look at things from a more distanced perspective and that can suggest different courses of action you can take. If you choose none, then you still have had some release. Thirdly, by putting that small distance between yourself and events, by concentrating on the mundane points of word placement/line-spacing/grammar/word choices, it again lends a breathing space for your brain. Keep writing.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

hoping your battlefield will turn someday into something resembling more of a garden of ease and peace

 

[KentBloke]

Thank you both.. for the encouragement and good advice.
It made taking the chance in airing this well worth the risk.

 

[KentBloke]

I have actually started the music so, if anyone is interested, I will share a link to it once it is finished.
And no...I will not be singing LOL

 

[Nightspeed]

My mental health issues began after the end of a traumatic relationship in 1987.

The journey since that is too long to type here, but if anyone is interested, here's my blog post.
https://true-defective.com/2022/09/04/crazy-but-thats-how-it-goes/

 

[sirhugs]

I this
I know where you are coming from. The line about the monsters all gaving his face resomated (Yes I know, "monsters" is not what you wrote, but it is what I heard my monsters whispering to me as I read it).
Mine is a cloud or fog I call The Darkness. Not really a monster itself, more a collection of the voices of monsters or demons that sound a lot like me.

Hang in.
Good luck.

 

[KentBloke]

@Nightspeed... some of what you wrote is nothing like my experience but some of it is definitely how things deteriorated for me. Thank you for the blog post link. I love the line about the ight at the end of tunnel. I needed to read that!

@sirhugs... I sometimes get those voices too (in my dreams, I hasten to add LOL) AND, like you, it is my own voice taunting me about my failures or my past behaviour. As you say, hang in there.

Thank you both!

 

[Nightspeed]

@Nightspeed... some of what you wrote is nothing like my experience but some of it is definitely how things deteriorated for me. Thank you for the blog post link. I love the line about the ight at the end of tunnel. I needed to read that!

@sirhugs... I sometimes get those voices too (in my dreams, I hasten to add LOL) AND, like you, it is my own voice taunting me about my failures or my past behaviour. As you say, hang in there.

Thank you both!

I'm glad that you enjoyed it. That last sentence is what sustained me more than once.

 

[Nightspeed]

This is really good, thanks for sharing it

My blog link or what the OP shared? (I'm nosy...lol)

 

[groundagefielding]

My mental health issues began after the end of a traumatic relationship in 1987.

The journey since that is too long to type here, but if anyone is interested, here's my blog post.
https://true-defective.com/2022/09/04/crazy-but-thats-how-it-goes/

I had problems with this too. Also, when my girlfriend and I broke up, I came to my senses for half a year. I even read useful articles about mental health, found https://studydriver.com/mental-health/ for this. But it didn't really help me at all. Maybe only 10 percent. it just needs to be experienced and accepted. You don't have to take everything so literally.

Terrible

 

[JessGabriel]

Thought I'd share my own about my husband who has declining health. "You" is my husband in the poem.

I Hold My Breath

I see the pain etched in your face and hear the strain in your voice. You turn to me for a happy face.

I hold my breath.

You're stuck once more. Your frustration rises. You turn to me for help.

I hold my breath.

The hits keep coming again and again. You turn to me for solutions.

I hold my breath.

You feel overwhelmed and angry. It's all too much. You turn to me for comfort.

I hold my breath.

I have to be strong. I have to be brave. I have to be calm. I have to be rational. I have to be smart. I have to be composed.

I hold my breath.

I'm starting to flood, the ugliest of tears threatening. I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. I need.

I hold my breath.

It would be so easy to just disappear, but I refuse. Life won't best me.

I take a deep breath.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Thought I'd share my own about my husband who has declining health.

It takes a lot of strength to stay and offer a helping hand to those who suffer. Thanks for putting your feelings, thoughts and some of that power into your poetry.

 

[JessGabriel]

It takes a lot of strength to stay and offer a helping hand to those who suffer. Thanks for putting your feelings, thoughts and some of that power into your poetry.

Thank you.

 

[KentBloke]

Thought I'd share my own about my husband who has declining health. "You" is my husband in the poem.

I Hold My Breath

I see the pain etched in your face and hear the strain in your voice. You turn to me for a happy face.

I hold my breath.

You're stuck once more. Your frustration rises. You turn to me for help.

I hold my breath.

The hits keep coming again and again. You turn to me for solutions.

I hold my breath.

You feel overwhelmed and angry. It's all too much. You turn to me for comfort.

I hold my breath.

I have to be strong. I have to be brave. I have to be calm. I have to be rational. I have to be smart. I have to be composed.

I hold my breath.

I'm starting to flood, the ugliest of tears threatening. I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. I need.

I hold my breath.

It would be so easy to just disappear, but I refuse. Life won't best me.

I take a deep breath.

I know exactly what you mean. That is well written and resonated soooooo deeply with me!

 

[JessGabriel]

I know exactly what you mean. That is well written and resonated soooooo deeply with me!

Thank you so much. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone!

 

[KentBloke]

You are definitely not alone. If you wanted someone to talk t or vent to, my PMs are always open and, tbh, it would give me the same thing. Being acarwr can be isolating so chatting with someone who understands the situation could be good for you!

 

[KentBloke]

It takes a lot of courage to open up about your struggles, and it's a powerful way to express your emotions and experiences.
I can feel the raw emotions and depth of your words.

Thank you. As I said, it was not a easy thing to do but the barrage of support made the post more than worthwhile. Thank you for adding your words of support!

 

[haventgotaclue]

Your poem strikes a profound chord with me, as I've also grappled with the iron chains of depression. Your words encapsulate the intense struggle with such raw emotion, it's palpable. The battlefield metaphor resonates powerfully, symbolizing the internal battles we wage daily. I respect your strength; opening up about such deeply personal experiences is no small feat.
I've also walked through the dark alleyways of depression, and for what it's worth, I found a kind of solace in exposure therapy in NYC. It's a method that helped me face my fears and feelings head-on. Maybe it can help someone else.
Keep fighting the good fight. We're not alone.

 

[Wonderer67]

Your poem strikes a profound chord with me, as I've also grappled with the iron chains of depression. Your words encapsulate the intense struggle with such raw emotion, it's palpable. The battlefield metaphor resonates powerfully, symbolizing the internal battles we wage daily. I respect your strength; opening up about such deeply personal experiences is no small feat.
I've also walked through the dark alleyways of depression, and for what it's worth, I found a kind of solace in exposure therapy in NYC. It's a method that helped me face my fears and feelings head-on. Maybe it can help someone else.
Keep fighting the good fight. We're not alone.

I have been thinking about exposure therapy for ptsd. I’m a little scared to try it - it’s soinds a little too intense.

 

[Llehlla]

Thank you. As I said, it was not an easy thing to do but the barrage of support made the post more than worthwhile. Thank you for adding your words of support!

I’m glad I found this thread. I’ve only been on Lit for about a month and have mostly been hanging out in my own thread. But this topic is very relevant to my life and me. I’ll be back to visit. Thank you so much for taking the brave step to share your your pain. When one person does, so many wounded hearts on the same wavelength hear it and know it’s safe to approach. May you and all who suffer find relief in this company.

 

[kateronhur]

Your courage in sharing your personal journey is admirable. It takes strength to open up about experiences tied to depression and PTSD. Your poem/song might resonate deeply with others navigating similar emotions. Remember, expressing oneself creatively can be a powerful outlet. Exploring platforms like https://restore-mentalhealth.com/neurodivergent-neurotypical/ might offer insights into understanding the diverse aspects of mental health experiences.