My first poem here, some feedback would be totally appreciated

[femboitessa]

Hi Everyone,

I published my first poem, and I'm a little nervous about this post, but it would be lovely if someone could give me some feedback. Was there anything I could have done better? Here is the poem:
I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

And on the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

And now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.


Ok, so, please be brutal, honest...ok, perhaps not so brutal...my femsoul may never survive it...
Thank you all! Even just for taking the time to read all this dribble!!

Love you all!

tess

 

[lanceGibs]

Hi Everyone,

I published my first poem, and I'm a little nervous about this post, but it would be lovely if someone could give me some feedback. Was there anything I could have done better? Here is the poem:
I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

And on the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

And now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.


Ok, so, please be brutal, honest...ok, perhaps not so brutal...my femsoul may never survive it...
Thank you all! Even just for taking the time to read all this dribble!!

Love you all!

tess

Nicely written
Thank you

 

[Sparky74]

Hi Everyone,

I published my first poem, and I'm a little nervous about this post, but it would be lovely if someone could give me some feedback. Was there anything I could have done better? Here is the poem:
I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

And on the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

And now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.


Ok, so, please be brutal, honest...ok, perhaps not so brutal...my femsoul may never survive it...
Thank you all! Even just for taking the time to read all this dribble!!

Love you all!

tess

Yes very nicely written and very good flow to it.

 

[la_ruche]

(Not English native so take my feedback with a huge grain of salt)
I like the flow of the 1st and 3rd stanza but the 2nd isn’t 100% working for my at least, can’t really find the flow (formatting issue perhaps or it should be five lines?)

 

[Wonderer67]

I like it!

Very strong first offering. I hope that you write more.

 

[butters]

I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

And on the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

And now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.

a strong piece, great content, strong, delicious imagery and message with only minor nits, imo:

1] decide if you need to capitalise the first letter of each line... personally, i don't find it adds anything to the read but consistency is more important. Not caps-ing L2's 'tasting' creates an anomaly; having said that, i found the all-caps-ing a distraction with words such as 'Shop'.

2] Do you need 'And' in 'And I have swum...'? What is lost if you drop it? If you decide to make minor edits, perhaps consider either of these suggestions:

(as it stands)
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters

(you could opt for)
My tongue carries the imprint
of their fire;
I've swum the waters of petalled lakes

(or)
My tongue carries the imprint
of their fire.
I've swum in the waters of petalled lakes

3] do you need 'And' in 'And fed on their pain'? I'd suggest that all depends on how you manipulate that longer line, if you choose to at all.

4] Does the extra length of L6 in the first strophe signify something? It stands out but i'm not seeing a real purpose for it.

5] perhaps consider if you need as much punctuation as you've used in this version; often the end of a line will serve the purpose of creating a pause, rendering a comma unnecessary.

6] here, do you need 'a' in 'a Vesuvius'? what is lost if you drop that 'a'?
and i'm wondering if you mean its rather than it's and if you even need it there at all? once more, i'd question the comma following Vesuvius.

I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.

so, maybe,

I long to ooze like Vesuvius,
white-hot lava burning me
resurrecting me.

7] I'd love to see your title

So, overall, really rally minor tidy-ups that don't change a thing you're saying but remove little bits and bobs that bring nothing; a small clean-up will make this shine even stronger, and it IS a strong piece. Anyway, just my opinion and feel free to use or ignore any of my suggestions. I look forward to seeing more from you.

 

[femboitessa]

Thank you!

I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

And on the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

And now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.

a strong piece, great content, strong, delicious imagery and message with only minor nits, imo:

1] decide if you need to capitalise the first letter of each line... personally, i don't find it adds anything to the read but consistency is more important. Not caps-ing L2's 'tasting' creates an anomaly; having said that, i found the all-caps-ing a distraction with words such as 'Shop'.

2] Do you need 'And' in 'And I have swum...'? What is lost if you drop it? If you decide to make minor edits, perhaps consider either of these suggestions:

(as it stands)
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters

(you could opt for)
My tongue carries the imprint
of their fire;
I've swum the waters of petalled lakes

(or)
My tongue carries the imprint
of their fire.
I've swum in the waters of petalled lakes

3] do you need 'And' in 'And fed on their pain'? I'd suggest that all depends on how you manipulate that longer line, if you choose to at all.

4] Does the extra length of L6 in the first strophe signify something? It stands out but i'm not seeing a real purpose for it.

5] perhaps consider if you need as much punctuation as you've used in this version; often the end of a line will serve the purpose of creating a pause, rendering a comma unnecessary.

6] here, do you need 'a' in 'a Vesuvius'? what is lost if you drop that 'a'?
and i'm wondering if you mean its rather than it's and if you even need it there at all? once more, i'd question the comma following Vesuvius.

I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.

so, maybe,

I long to ooze like Vesuvius,
white-hot lava burning me
resurrecting me.

7] I'd love to see your title

So, overall, really rally minor tidy-ups that don't change a thing you're saying but remove little bits and bobs that bring nothing; a small clean-up will make this shine even stronger, and it IS a strong piece. Anyway, just my opinion and feel free to use or ignore any of my suggestions. I look forward to seeing more from you.

oh my god! Thank you for this, for taking so much time in your response! I really truly appreciate it!

And I see exactly what you mean.. The ‘Ands’ aren’t Tammy necessary, taking them out would have given the poem a little more gravitas, a little more of a sense of dark contemplation, or something..

Ok , will work on this a little more! Thank you thank you thank you!!!

 

[femboitessa]

Hi there!
Just wanted to say I liked your poem!
One thing that stood out for me however,
1) I do get what you are saying but perhaps, there are too many lines beginning with 'And'
And I have swum in the waters
And fed on their pain
And on the tops of mountains
Etc
So it would read thus,

I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.

I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

On the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

Now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.

This seems, to me , to scan better!
Otherwise, as others have said, the imagery is so good!
I'm not an expert by any means but this is just my two cents worth.

Yes, oh gosh, I really should have read the poem more carefully. Thank you, your absolutely right!!

 

[butters]

Thank you!

oh my god! Thank you for this, for taking so much time in your response! I really truly appreciate it!

And I see exactly what you mean.. The ‘Ands’ aren’t Tammy necessary, taking them out would have given the poem a little more gravitas, a little more of a sense of dark contemplation, or something..

Ok , will work on this a little more! Thank you thank you thank you!!!

you're most welcome only ever make changes that feel right for you. in months or years to come, you might see other changes you're happy with, but if you make ones you're not comfortable with you can lose interest in your own work and that's never good.

 

[Wonderer67]

Yes, oh gosh, I really should have read the poem more carefully. Thank you, your absolutely right!!

One thing I’ve noticed with stories and poems I’ve written using Microsoft Word, I can just use the review/read aloud function.

It reads your work so that you can hear it. I always pick up a couple of misspellings, words that don’t sound quite right, clusters of words like “and” word misuse.

Sometimes I just write on my phone and that’s a little trickier.

 

[BigBallsCanuck]

Do you have a new edited version for us to read and comment? Although perhaps you're not on Lit anymore, I don't see replies lately . . .

 

[tristantrotsky]

Hi Everyone,

I published my first poem, and I'm a little nervous about this post, but it would be lovely if someone could give me some feedback. Was there anything I could have done better? Here is the poem:
I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

And on the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

And now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.


Ok, so, please be brutal, honest...ok, perhaps not so brutal...my femsoul may never survive it...
Thank you all! Even just for taking the time to read all this dribble!!

Love you all!

tess

Some nice images here, I'd make it 'and I've swum in waters, of petalled lakes, between the rivers of women's thighs' to keep it concise and less formal..., looking forward to more from you

 

[HarryHill]

:confetti: Welcome to the PoBo.

 

[DanielSmith01]

Hi Everyone,

I published my first poem, and I'm a little nervous about this post, but it would be lovely if someone could give me some feedback. Was there anything I could have done better? Here is the poem:
I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

And on the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

And now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.


Ok, so, please be brutal, honest...ok, perhaps not so brutal...my femsoul may never survive it...
Thank you all! Even just for taking the time to read all this dribble!!

Love you all!
Sharing a first poem is a brave and rewarding endeavor, inviting constructive feedback and fostering growth. It reflects a journey of self-expression and creativity. For those seeking inspiration or examples in biotechnology, https://edubirdie.com/examples/biotechnology/ offers a range of resources. Just as poetry allows personal expression, exploring biotechnology examples can expand one's understanding in this field.
tess

very nicely written

 

[DarkOfWrite]

Hi Everyone,

I published my first poem, and I'm a little nervous about this post, but it would be lovely if someone could give me some feedback. Was there anything I could have done better? Here is the poem:
I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

And on the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

And now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.


Ok, so, please be brutal, honest...ok, perhaps not so brutal...my femsoul may never survive it...
Thank you all! Even just for taking the time to read all this dribble!!

Love you all!

tess

I like this, it flows nicely, and there is some good imagery. In my mind, I can see some of this, well done.

My only advice has already been raised by Wonderer67 - I sometimes use the Read Aloud function to get an idea of how verse feels. It's not always perfect, but it can give you a good idea of how it sounds to the ear.

Looking forward to the next one!

 

[Lady2020]

I think you're pretty damn good.

 

[Bigtitsbitch1000x]

Hi Everyone,

I published my first poem, and I'm a little nervous about this post, but it would be lovely if someone could give me some feedback. Was there anything I could have done better? Here is the poem:
I've knelt at the feet of men,
tasted the weight of their souls.
My tongue carries the imprint
Of their fire.
And I have swum in the waters
Of petalled lakes, between the two rivers of women's thighs,
And fed on their pain.

And on the tops of mountains,
Where the low sky sings,
She kissed me with the blue
Sickle of the moon, as I opened
The darkness of the netherworld.

And now, in the rag and bone
Shop of my love's ruin,
I stand encased in your shadow.
Will you fill me?
I long to ooze like a Vesuvius,
It's white hot lava,
Burning me, resurrecting me.


Ok, so, please be brutal, honest...ok, perhaps not so brutal...my femsoul may never survive it...
Thank you all! Even just for taking the time to read all this dribble!!

Love you all!

tess

You are a very good poet. Don't worry about details of style. Real writers know that theme and sense of the person are most important. If you wish I will write more later today.

We all need your strength.

( . )( . )