Requesting some advice

[Lifestyle66]

The objection people are expressing in this thread isn't to first person POV per se, it's the particular version of first person POV shown in sample 1, where the first person narrator is communicating with another person as "you" rather than referring to others in the third person.

The "you" version in the OP's example makes the story more about the couple. The "him" version makes it more internal about the MC, and the other character is more disposable, an object in the MC's life.

IMO, both are valid ways to write a good first-person story. It depends on where the author wants to take us.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Well, that is Belle's wheelhouse...

Personally, I prefer A, even though I doubt I'd write like that. I can see it being effective for a short story - with the sad twist.

As for the idea download machine - if you find one, let me know. My next year's Halloween idea refuses to leave me alone, so I'm madly typing notes and saving research before the story fades. It'd be nice just to zap the concept out.

I think you know me a little too well now, Rusty...

In your version A you're having a private conversation with your deuteragonist, which you're letting the reader overhear. Both can work, but they have different reader expectations.

Yeah. That captures the intimate feeling I had when it was in my head. And the whole story itself is very contained: one location, 2 characters, over roughly 2 days. So, it might work. Or maybe that style and the planned ending will just earn me my first sub 3 rating.

Then, whenver a thought strikes you, you can whisper softly into your phone, knowing your idea will be recorded and available for you tomorrow.

OK, see, but then I have to Say it Out Loud, which is y'know, like, a different set of neurological processes and involves me ruining the whole mood with the sound of my own voice. As a partial hack, it's not bad. It's just not the miracle I'm looking for.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Thanks everyone for all the feedback and comments.
I started writing it last night using I and him/he. But now I think I may do two whole versions and see what I think at the end.

 

[BodieOhl]

I'll offer the the I/you version may invite a lot more PMs from people/stalkers feeling "you already have a relationship." The other way makes it clearly not about the reader at all.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I'll offer the the I/you version may invite a lot more PMs from people/stalkers feeling "you already have a relationship." The other way makes it clearly not about the reader at all.

Definitely not an angle I'd considered. I very rarely get PMs from strangers, and I'm very ok with that.

 

[Rustyoznail]

(Creep mode on...) Oh, I'd like to know you even better. (/CM)

If you want someone to review it, let me know. I'll be looking for someone to read mine. The format will be different and I'm not sure if the probable audience will appreciate it.

 

[NotWise]

I think what you're trying to do with your first example is similar (except for tense) to the opening and closing of my two "Third Ring" stories, which are related by a story teller. Most of the text comes off as third person because the narrator only occasionally breaks the fourth wall.