Realistically: How does informed extramarital sex go?

[Britva415]

Married people who have sought casual extramarital partners:

Do you let them know you're married?
Do they care whether you "have a pass" (some form of open relationship) or not?
Has anyone ever asked?

Have you ever met someone who's just as interested in "no-strings" as you were?

Were they married, themselves, too?

My wife and I agreed to "opening" the marriage, though just as a matter of terminology I'm not sure whether "open marriage" is what I want to call it or not, because that to me seems to imply something like "a girlfriend on the side" or something else long-term, which isn't what I'm looking for or interested in. But anyway, I have the pass now, and barely know what to expect from potential casual partners.

Just, interested to hear about other people's experience?

EDIT 2023-12-06: I guess I'll share my own here too as I pursue this and see how it goes for myself. There are bound to be people interested in that, right?

 

[hulmule]

Don't have an open relationship , but been in a couple of the positions your talking about.
The no string attached , well usually if it turns into more than a one night stand. One person start to have new thoughts on more than no strings...
Married was a better way cause both in the same boat but there looking to do something more than what the other person is in most times. But you only hope the partner their married to isnt crazy and finds out...
You'll see that you'll have a couple of flings that mean nothing, then you'll hit one that will mess with your head, change your game.
Hard for me to type my feelings. Better at talking. but good luck . Just show your wife respect and be discreet in your hall pass IMO

 

[MagicFlute]

There are definitely people out there willing to play with those who are married. Generally because it is a"safe option" in that no long term expectations are set. But as has been stated, there are those encounters where emotions get in the way of logic on one side or the other and that can be painful.

If you have a pass, does your wife want to know details or not? If not, making sure the casual partner understands discretion is vitally important before exploring that relationship

 

[Britva415]

does your wife want to know details or not?

Not in detail, really, but more like just knowing when I'm seeing someone, so that she knows what's going on and when to expect me to be out and back, and knowing that we're being safe.

To be honest, this is all new and I'm not in a mad rush to go capitalize on this. I'm creating plenty of opportunities for her (by asking her) to think about and tell me what she wants me to be transparent about and what she'd rather not have in her face. I'd like for there to be as few unanticipated "gotchas" at home as possible once I get the ball rolling.

 

[MagicFlute]

Not in detail, really, but more like just knowing when I'm seeing someone, so that she knows what's going on and when to expect me to be out and back, and knowing that we're being safe.

To be honest, this is all new and I'm not in a mad rush to go capitalize on this. I'm creating plenty of opportunities for her (by asking her) to think about and tell me what she wants me to be transparent about and what she'd rather not have in her face. I'd like for there to be as few unanticipated "gotchas" at home as possible once I get the ball rolling.

I feel in your situation, you're doing everything right. Giving her all information is good. I'm sure she'll stop you when she doesn't want to know something.

You could think of this as a 'hobby' you partake in regularly like tennis or D&D etc.

 

[hulmule]

I feel in your situation, you're doing everything right. Giving her all information is good. I'm sure she'll stop you when she doesn't want to know something.

You could think of this as a 'hobby' you partake in regularly like tennis or D&D etc.

Hobby?/ humm hey honey i want to try this new hobby out what do you think?? I guess thats one way to start the conversation !

 

[gtnlynn]

In our 30's, I gave my wife permission to have sex with others with certain conditions: one date only per man; condoms required; no friends; and complete honesty with me about the dates. She did it a few times and stopped around the time she turned 40. All "dates" knew she was married. None of her dates were married. They wanted more, but she stuck to our agreement. It worked for us.

 

[daystate]

In our 30's, I gave my wife permission to have sex with others with certain conditions: one date only per man; condoms required; no friends; and complete honesty with me about the dates. She did it a few times and stopped around the time she turned 40. All "dates" knew she was married. None of her dates were married. They wanted more, but she stuck to our agreement. It worked for us.

Boundaries respected and adhered to.

 

[Saint_Ann]

I'd say 75% of the time it's the guy's idea and the woman has no trouble finding lovers and the guy ends up sleeping in a crowded bed.

 

[live4thebj]

I was a woman/wife’s side action. Didn’t last long for reasons I won’t get into. It was awkward at first but very clearly normal for them.

 

[girlsmiley]

I feel in your situation, you're doing everything right. Giving her all information is good. I'm sure she'll stop you when she doesn't want to know something.

You could think of this as a 'hobby' you partake in regularly like tennis or D&D etc.

Oh lord I hope you are gay because women are not going to like you

 

[girlsmiley]

I'd say 75% of the time it's the guy's idea and the woman has no trouble finding lovers and the guy ends up sleeping in a crowded bed.

This.

The guys think they want an open type marriage until she’s with another man every night.

 

[MagicFlute]

Hobby?/ humm hey honey i want to try this new hobby out what do you think?? I guess thats one way to start the conversation !

he already has permission, he just needs to get his head around dealing with his emotions if he decides to go ahead woth it. Sometimes thinking outside the box helps!

 

[ReddApple]

Married people who have sought casual extramarital partners:

Do you let them know you're married?
Do they care whether you "have a pass" (some form of open relationship) or not?
Has anyone ever asked?

Have you ever met someone who's just as interested in "no-strings" as you were?

Were they married, themselves, too?

My wife and I agreed to "opening" the marriage, though just as a matter of terminology I'm not sure whether "open marriage" is what I want to call it or not, because that to me seems to imply something like "a girlfriend on the side" or something else long-term, which isn't what I'm looking for or interested in. But anyway, I have the pass now, and barely know what to expect from potential casual partners.

Just, interested to hear about other people's experience?

No, I do not always tell people I am married. Some people do not care but for others it hints at drama or complications that are not always wanted. So depending on the situation I may feel out the other person and decide if it is better to be truthful or just let them assume I am single.

Yes I care about it being open. I think it works a lot better when both people are on board and it is open or swinging or whatever you want to call it versus just stepping out.

Yes it can become quite the point of conversation when someone finds out that you are married but can have sex with other people and do.

Yes I have met several people just looking for fun and sexual enjoyment and that is it. I think it works better when there is some manner of connection outside of the bedroom but not everyone wants that and yes it can lead down the roads of feels.

I have been with married men yes and I normally do not have an issue with that as long as I do not feel like it is leading down the path of being a homewrecker and again going into drama and issues.

My husband and I got into being open sexually because both of us are very sexual people and both of us had long time friends that yes we had had sex with in the past and it was just part of the relationship. We started off giving each other passes for certain people and from there it molded into what it currently is.

 

[girlsmiley]

No, I do not always tell people I am married. Some people do not care but for others it hints at drama or complications that are not always wanted. So depending on the situation I may feel out the other person and decide if it is better to be truthful or just let them assume I am single.

As an adult, I’d prefer to choose whether or not to be involved with someone who was married.

Thing is, a lot of people these days aren’t honest and it causes way more drama than being honest ever would. “It hints at drama”

People like the above poster for example. Doesn’t tell the guy she’s married. Husband gets jealous and kills them both.

It happens every day.

 

[ReddApple]

As an adult, I’d prefer to choose whether or not to be involved with someone who was married.

Thing is, a lot of people these days aren’t honest and it causes way more drama than being honest ever would. “It hints at drama”

People like the above poster for example. Doesn’t tell the guy she’s married. Husband gets jealous and kills them both.

It happens every day.

Zero deaths on my record so far. Yes I do not tell some men that I am married. My husband knows when I have sex with someone else though so he is not the one going out and doing the killing. The times I do not tell tend to be one time in the mood for something fun occasions. If I connect with someone and we're going to be friends or have some manner of lasting friendship/fuckship then I will disclose I am married and the nature of my husband and my sexual relationship.

 

[Britva415]

Oh lord I hope you are gay because women are not going to like you

Do you mean cool women? I've played RPGs with more women than men!

Not D&D though. Other RPGs. Not sure if that makes me more nerdy or less nerdy

🗡

 

[lc69hunter]

My wife and I had automatic hall passes for conferences/out of town meetings. Admitting the marriage actually smoothed the way most of the time, for both of us. And, we did have great sex afterwards as we rehashed the the times we had with others.

We both wore our wedding bands

 

[Cobra6813]

we were in an open relationship for awhile right before covid. Women definitely have an advantage. Guys just want to hook up and don’t care about the woman’s status but from my experience women, for the most part, they won’t get involved with a married man - even with a hall pass. They are looking long term and want some sense of security. Not some married guy fucking around

 

[Saint_Ann]

I've been fucking the same person for 40 years, no cheating, no spin the bottle, no key club parties. I don't think I'm missing anything. Hasn't always been great but we have worked thru it. That trust factor is worth a bus load of strange.

 

[Vitriolhack]

Zero deaths on my record so far. Yes I do not tell some men that I am married. My husband knows when I have sex with someone else though so he is not the one going out and doing the killing. The times I do not tell tend to be one time in the mood for something fun occasions. If I connect with someone and we're going to be friends or have some manner of lasting friendship/fuckship then I will disclose I am married and the nature of my husband and my sexual relationship.

If it is satisfying to the lady, her husband and a third party, then, why not?

If the guys are friends and the fucking friend understands were he stands as a momentary replacement or addition to the husband’s cock and they are all consenting adults, no one gets hurt, but all get to have fun.

 

[Britva415]

I've been fucking the same person for 40 years, no cheating, no spin the bottle, no key club parties. I don't think I'm missing anything. Hasn't always been great but we have worked thru it. That trust factor is worth a bus load of strange.

Did you mean to convey that you think there's a lack of trust in my marriage or that we're not working through things?

Because your whole unconstructive and unresponsive comment sounds like this to me, especially with that little yellow face at the end:

 

[lc69hunter]

I've been fucking the same person for 40 years, no cheating, no spin the bottle, no key club parties. I don't think I'm missing anything. Hasn't always been great but we have worked thru it. That trust factor is worth a bus load of strange.

Nobody should have a problem with maintaining a traditional relationship. Relationships are what the couple makes them

 

[girlsmiley]

Zero deaths on my record so far.

You want a star or something?

Who’s to say they don’t have a wife?

You clearly don’t give a shit. It’s gross.

 

[Britva415]

It’s gross.

Don't preach.

You said what you preferred, that was fine, even though it didn't serve the topic. You said there was a risk of someone getting shot, that's fine, it's a practical observation and was positioned as explaining your preference.

But you've now revealed yourself as simply judging. It's not called for. You don't have anything to contribute here.