New story: The Seduction Of Darkness

[Djmac1031]

I don't think I've ever done this here; usually just post my stories and let readers find them.

But I figured, for fun and, perhaps a learning experience, I'd share my latest and see what kind of feedback it gets.

It's a supernatural tale about a She-Demon who falls in love with the young woman she's supposed to seduce into Hell's service.

There's not a LOT of sex in it, but it does get a little kinky here and there.

I also spent a lot of time world building with it, and quite a lot of time editing.

Anyway, for your consideration:

https://literotica.com/s/the-seduction-of-darkness

 

[AlinaX]

It begins well. Too tired to read right now, though...

 

[AG31]

Wrote a comment for the story.

I'm definitely not into paranormal. But I am into supporting authors on this site, so I'll read it for "diddley squat" stuff.

"Puffing out her chest," Find a different word than "puffing." It's not consistent with the tone.

 

[Djmac1031]

Wrote a comment for the story.

I'm definitely not into paranormal. But I am into supporting authors on this site, so I'll read it for "diddley squat" stuff.

"Puffing out her chest," Find a different word than "puffing." It's not consistent with the tone.

Thanks for your time reading it.

I suppose there are better ways to say that. Obviously a bit late to change it now. But I appreciate your thoughts.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Mmmm, I must admit I am somewhat reluctant to go into this. I tend to say what I mean, and the reception of my criticism hasn't been stellar so far, to put it mildly. Most authors want to hear praise and are ready to take only minor criticism of their stories or of their writing skills. Not saying that is you, of course, but... still

 

[Djmac1031]

Mmmm, I must admit I am somewhat reluctant to go into this. I tend to say what I mean, and the reception of my criticism hasn't been stellar so far, to put it mildly. Most authors want to hear praise and are ready to take only minor criticism of their stories or of their writing skills. Not saying that is you, of course, but... still

I shared this here with no expectations other than that those who might be interested read it and, if they wanted, offer an opinion.

I've had negative feedback before. Wouldn't be my first rodeo there lol.

Read it if you want to. If you don't, don't.

If you like it, great. If you wanna critique it, I can handle it.

Totally your call.

 

[AG31]

Thanks for your time reading it.

I suppose there are better ways to say that. Obviously a bit late to change it now. But I appreciate your thoughts.

Well, I'd endorse constant revisions. I'm on revision 9 of my first story. It may take a while to get a revision posted on Lit., but it's like the barges in the Erie canal. Once you get one launched, eventually it arrives.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I shared this here with no expectations other than that those who might be interested read it and, if they wanted, offer an opinion.

I've had negative feedback before. Wouldn't be my first rodeo there lol.

Read it if you want to. If you don't, don't.

If you like it, great. If you wanna critique it, I can handle it.

Totally your call.

I'll read it tomorrow and give you my honest opinion then.

 

[yowser]

I hadn't read any of your stuff before, so in the spirit of adventure I thought I would give this a whirl.

But it's huge, and I didn't realise til the end of the first page that there were five more left, so here are just some brief observations on the start of your epic as I didn't finish it. (In general, when asking for feedback, it's never a bad idea to give the crew here a little warning about the size of your salmon. Avoids indigestion, surprise, etc.)

Caveat: I am a fussy reader, so bear with the critique, your stuff is much better than most of what shows up on the site.

Lot of solid writing here, succinct descriptions, pacing is good, one scene following another, and you don't go overboard on backstory, you treat your readers as sentient beings who can figure things out given enough data points.

But I wasn't able to get into your main character's head much (at least in the first goings, perhaps you provide increased access further on, but it is usually a good idea to capture readers early on [if not instantly] since that will drive whether they keep reading or not.)

It is always a challenge to do the 'ancient' or 'fantasy' world and I felt you relied too much on cliches, and then there were enough anachronistic insertions that things got squirrelly fairly quickly.

Couple examples:

The staircase led to a dais on which sat a throne, wreathed in flames. (Sounds like the throne is on fire?)

Upon the throne sat a figure, obscured in mist and shadow. (Wait, I thought there were flames around it?)

she felt his seed erupt within her. (oh, spare me...) also 'throbbing organ.'

And then later your main character goes:

"Look at me; I'm talking to a fucking corpse. I am definitely taking a well earned sabbatical after this."

Maybe this is humor, but it didn't work very well for me. I think if it is humor, you need to establish that tone a little earlier, it is jarring when it arrives at this stage.

I have a few more reactions, but it isn't really fair to offer them without going through the whole story, I'll leave that to others.

So, I salute ambition, and hope you find satisfying ways to continue your tale. You've got a respectable start, and likely with just a bit more attention you'll have a nice series. I suspect the folks who like Sci-Fi stuff will be far more lenient than I about any shortcomings, and I think your descriptive powers and imagination will be well received.

Good luck.

 

[Djmac1031]

I hadn't read any of your stuff before, so in the spirit of adventure I thought I would give this a whirl.

But it's huge, and I didn't realise til the end of the first page that there were five more left, so here are just some brief observations on the start of your epic as I didn't finish it. (In general, when asking for feedback, it's never a bad idea to give the crew here a little warning about the size of your salmon. Avoids indigestion, surprise, etc.)

Caveat: I am a fussy reader, so bear with the critique, your stuff is much better than most of what shows up on the site.

Lot of solid writing here, succinct descriptions, pacing is good, one scene following another, and you don't go overboard on backstory, you treat your readers as sentient beings who can figure things out given enough data points.

But I wasn't able to get into your main character's head much (at least in the first goings, perhaps you provide increased access further on, but it is usually a good idea to capture readers early on [if not instantly] since that will drive whether they keep reading or not.)

It is always a challenge to do the 'ancient' or 'fantasy' world and I felt you relied too much on cliches, and then there were enough anachronistic insertions that things got squirrelly fairly quickly.

Couple examples:

The staircase led to a dais on which sat a throne, wreathed in flames. (Sounds like the throne is on fire?)

Upon the throne sat a figure, obscured in mist and shadow. (Wait, I thought there were flames around it?)

she felt his seed erupt within her. (oh, spare me...) also 'throbbing organ.'

And then later your main character goes:

"Look at me; I'm talking to a fucking corpse. I am definitely taking a well earned sabbatical after this."

Maybe this is humor, but it didn't work very well for me. I think if it is humor, you need to establish that tone a little earlier, it is jarring when it arrives at this stage.

I have a few more reactions, but it isn't really fair to offer them without going through the whole story, I'll leave that to others.

So, I salute ambition, and hope you find satisfying ways to continue your tale. You've got a respectable start, and likely with just a bit more attention you'll have a nice series. I suspect the folks who like Sci-Fi stuff will be far more lenient than I about any shortcomings, and I think your descriptive powers and imagination will be well received.

Good luck.

1st: thanks so much for taking the time to read it. I do appreciate that.

2nd: to clarify; There are only two parts to MY story so far.

The Seduction Of Darkness, which is the prequel to the The Devil And Angel Em, the first one I wrote in this vein featuring these characters.

And I'm planning a part 3, as yet unwritten.

The other stories I linked by Emily Miller are HER stories. Completely independent.

We had some fun crossing over characters and references, but while our stories exist in the same universe, they are independent of each other. You're not obligated to read those to follow mine, and vice versa.

As for your critiques; food for thought.

I know one of my weaknesses can be physical descriptions of places and things. So I suppose the pictures I try to paint may not always be clear. I'm working on it but know there's room for improvement.

The humor: well, it was SUPPOSED to be funny. It was to me. But humor is of course subjective.

Again, appreciate your thoughts and your time. Thank you.

 

[Bazzle]

I personally struggle reading anything where the characters are not called Bob or Sue.
You can see the effort gone into creating the world, well done!

 

[Paul_Chance]

Okay, so I've read through it. I'll be sending the bill, you should have commented or warned about the length. I've got some feedback for you, but before I offer it, I just wanted to ask two questions, because that will help me frame my feedback.

Are you a plotter or a pantser?

What type or area of feedback would be the most valuable to you?

 

[Djmac1031]

Okay, so I've read through it. I'll be sending the bill, you should have commented or warned about the length. I've got some feedback for you, but before I offer it, I just wanted to ask two questions, because that will help me frame my feedback.

Are you a plotter or a pantser?

What type or area of feedback would be the most valuable to you?

Sorry, didn't think it was THAT long. But thank you for taking the time.

As for plotter VS pantser, ; it depends.

On this one, I did plot first.

As for what "kind" of feedback: I dunno. Whatever you feel needs to be addressed I suppose.

I'm aware of at least a few of my weaknesses, but I suppose it would be interesting to see if someone else points them out.

Just be honest I suppose. I can take it.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Okay

So, here is the prospective I am approaching the story from. You're prolific on Literotica. You don't have any problem writing the first drafts, doing a little clean-up, and publishing. That's good. I don't know what your aspirations as a writer are, so I'm assuming you'd like to become a better writer. So, let's focus on the story telling. I'm going to hit a couple of things that I think would benefit you.

First - Paragraphs:

Within the body of your work, you seem to have eschewed the idea of paragraphs, opting into for a visually friendly "each sentence is a paragraph" approach. I'd forward that you would benefit as a story-teller if you adhered to a traditional paragraph format. Within a story, paragraphs are the breath of your reader. They take in the information conveyed in a paragraph. When that paragraph ends, they breath out, and then take in the next paragraph. When I read this story, there is very little natural rhythm. It's constant rapid breathing and then, without warning, sudden deep breaths. Through your paragraphs, control and manipulate the breath of your reader. This allows you to "bend the bow" more on a scene arc, character arc, or story arc.

Suggestion to become a better writer:

Practice writing traditional paragraphs, with there three key elements:
-a topic sentence that introduces the main idea
-supporting sentences that explain and develop the idea
-concluding sentence that summarizes or transitions to the next pargraph

Second - Scenes:

Paragraphs are the building blocks of scenes, just as scenes are the building block of stories. If you look at a story as the progressdion of sentences and paragraphs that create a scene, and a progression of scenes that show a story, your scenes are, like the breathing in the writing, alternating between panting and deep breathing.

You're using hard stop transitions to move between scenes. That is a writing choice that works sometimes, but that inconsistency in breathing pattern means your rhythm is chaotic amd, like paragraphs, you're eschewing another of the key building blocks of a story.

Suggestion to become a better writer:

Practice writing a traditional scene with the three key elements:
-a beginning
-a middle
-an end

Third - Transitions:

This is another building block you're leaving on the floor. Transitioning between scenes allows your reader to breathe, keeps the rhythm of the story moving forward, and gives you an excellent chance to foreshadow what's to come.

Suggestion to become a better writer:

Practice wiriting a traditional transition with the key elemeents of
-summarizing the scene before
-expressing how the story will continue in the next scene
-moving the POV character from one point to another

What I have focused on here are the traditional elements of story-telling where I think you've got the tools and the opportunity to improve your writing.

To give you the executive summary:

Ready? Take a deep breath, hold it, let it out.

(Author's Note and Trigger Warning: The entire paragraph that follows is tongue-in-cheek prodding, no actual malice is intended.)

Overall, this story reads as if it was written by a 10th grader holed up in his room with a computer, a dungeons and dragons manual, and a half-dozen copies of Penthouse letters, feverishly typing. It's not good. It's not bad. You left a lot of an author's tools laying on the floor. This isn't a story; in many ways it reads like an author's draft of a detailed outline.

(End of Triggering Paragraph)

You've obviously got the drive, the need, and the desire to do the most important thing for an author. To set your butt in a chair and type. There is just, in this story, a lot of room to hone your craft. If you've found this helpful, I can turn next to the character's arcs and suggest ways you can improve there.

 

[Djmac1031]

Okay

So, here is the prospective I am approaching the story from. You're prolific on Literotica. You don't have any problem writing the first drafts, doing a little clean-up, and publishing. That's good. I don't know what your aspirations as a writer are, so I'm assuming you'd like to become a better writer. So, let's focus on the story telling. I'm going to hit a couple of things that I think would benefit you.

First - Paragraphs:

Within the body of your work, you seem to have eschewed the idea of paragraphs, opting into for a visually friendly "each sentence is a paragraph" approach. I'd forward that you would benefit as a story-teller if you adhered to a traditional paragraph format. Within a story, paragraphs are the breath of your reader. They take in the information conveyed in a paragraph. When that paragraph ends, they breath out, and then take in the next paragraph. When I read this story, there is very little natural rhythm. It's constant rapid breathing and then, without warning, sudden deep breaths. Through your paragraphs, control and manipulate the breath of your reader. This allows you to "bend the bow" more on a scene arc, character arc, or story arc.

Suggestion to become a better writer:

Practice writing traditional paragraphs, with there three key elements:
-a topic sentence that introduces the main idea
-supporting sentences that explain and develop the idea
-concluding sentence that summarizes or transitions to the next pargraph

Second - Scenes:

Paragraphs are the building blocks of scenes, just as scenes are the building block of stories. If you look at a story as the progressdion of sentences and paragraphs that create a scene, and a progression of scenes that show a story, your scenes are, like the breathing in the writing, alternating between panting and deep breathing.

You're using hard stop transitions to move between scenes. That is a writing choice that works sometimes, but that inconsistency in breathing pattern means your rhythm is chaotic amd, like paragraphs, you're eschewing another of the key building blocks of a story.

Suggestion to become a better writer:

Practice writing a traditional scene with the three key elements:
-a beginning
-a middle
-an end

Third - Transitions:

This is another building block you're leaving on the floor. Transitioning between scenes allows your reader to breathe, keeps the rhythm of the story moving forward, and gives you an excellent chance to foreshadow what's to come.

Suggestion to become a better writer:

Practice wiriting a traditional transition with the key elemeents of
-summarizing the scene before
-expressing how the story will continue in the next scene
-moving the POV character from one point to another

What I have focused on here are the traditional elements of story-telling where I think you've got the tools and the opportunity to improve your writing.

To give you the executive summary:

Ready? Take a deep breath, hold it, let it out.

(Author's Note and Trigger Warning: The entire paragraph that follows is tongue-in-cheek prodding, no actual malice is intended.)

Overall, this story reads as if it was written by a 10th grader holed up in his room with a computer, a dungeons and dragons manual, and a half-dozen copies of Penthouse letters, feverishly typing. It's not good. It's not bad. You left a lot of an author's tools laying on the floor. This isn't a story; in many ways it reads like an author's draft of a detailed outline.

(End of Triggering Paragraph)

You've obviously got the drive, the need, and the desire to do the most important thing for an author. To set your butt in a chair and type. There is just, in this story, a lot of room to hone your craft. If you've found this helpful, I can turn next to the character's arcs and suggest ways you can improve there.

I appreciate your detailed analysis and criticism.

I'll have to reread my story with your thoughts in mind.

 

[Djmac1031]

@Paul_Chance

Oh and of course I'm interested in your thoughts on characterization.