New story that I'd love to get some feedback on.

sxybrneyz

Virgin
Joined
Mar 2, 2012
Posts
3
SUBMISSIVE AWAKENING
By: Sxybrneyz
It's night now- darkness all around; except for the shimmer of the moon that casts its shadow upon the ground. I'm walking down the sidewalk, alone. I see from the corner of my eye a shadow following near, faint footsteps against the pavement, getting closer. Fear rises inside of me as my heartbeat starts to race. I walk faster, hoping to elude my stalker. The footsteps become just a fast as my own. Suddenly, I feel a hand over my mouth, and another around my waist, pulling me back hard. A warm breathe in my ear whispers to me not to make a sound. I obey, not knowing whom this stranger may be. He leads me to dark side street where, in the shadow, I see a car waiting. There's another person inside waiting in the driver's seat. I'm forced into the back seat, too afraid to try and escape. My heart is pounding, my breathing is rapid. But deep inside there's an excitement that I have yet to discover.

The car speeds off and I finally get to look at my kidnapper. His eyes are piercing blue, his jaw squared and strong. His arms are chiseled and firm, and his masculine chest the same. I can tell he's tall. His hair is dark, neatly cut and wavy. This is not a man with the look of a criminal. I try to speak but he silences me by sliding two fingers between my lips and into my mouth. I feel his hand fondling the buttons of my shirt, reaching inside to my huge full breasts. He's roughly fondling my nipples between his fingertips; pinching, squeezing and twisting them painfully. I look up to find the driver adjusting the mirror to watch. His mouth is pressed against my throat; his breath is hot as I feel his tongue glide around to the lobe of my ear. Again he starts to whisper in my ear. His voice is rugged and deep, sending chills throughout my body. I press my knees together tightly while he tells me what he and his friend are about to do to my body. I feel his hand pull my legs open as his large hand slides beneath my panties, over my clean, soft mound. He presses his large fingers deep inside of my pussy. To my own amazement, I feel myself becoming wet. The moaning I hear is my own as his fingers work in and out of me, hard and deep. His friend continues to watch us, licking his lips with anticipation. As my stranger continues to finger fuck me, his mouth slips down to my breasts, taking my huge taut nipples between his teeth. His tongue rolls around the large buds, teasing them, biting them mercilessly with no regard for the pain he's inflicting. My pussy is on fire as he slides another finger deep inside, spreading me open. My juices start gushing down his hand as he fucks me harder. His thumb is circling my swollen clit while he plucks my womanhood with his rough hand. Again and again I explode. I feel his hand pull out and his fingers slide back into my mouth as he forces me to taste my own juices. By now we're arrived at our destination.

The driver gets out of the car and opens the back door. He grabs my wrist and pulls me from the seat. As I look around I can't recognize where I am. The house in front of me is well kept with a privacy fence surrounding it. There are no other houses around from where I can see; nowhere to run. My heart is still racing as I’m forced through the front door. My dark stranger is standing behind me now, his hands are wrapped around my waist. The driver has vanished into another room turning on lights. As I look to my left I see an open room with walls covered with pictures of women, all naked, being tortured by some strange device. Some have their wrists and ankles bound, and some are bound to a wall or a bed with a gag in their mouth. There's no rhyme or reason to the variety of women, all of them different. Petite, large, black, white, etc. He takes me to the bathroom first. As he turns on the shower, he checks the temperature to make sure it's just right. I stand there watching him. His movements are slow and calculated. He turns to me without saying a word and begins removing my clothes. The buttons of my blouse are each undone slowly. The further he gets, he starts to linger around my breasts. His eyes are eager to see my bare flesh. His stare, haunting. My shirt falls to the floor. He then undoes the button of my pants. Slowly unzipping them, he pulls them down over my hips. His hands lingering against my warm skin. My body begins to shiver as his hands begin to move over my body. He exposes my full, plump tits from the bra I'm wearing. His hands are cupping them, kneading them softly at first, then rougher. Again he pinches and pulls at my taut nipples, making them stand fully erect. He covers the rosy bud with his mouth, biting and sucking it hard until the blood comes to the surface of my skin. I feel his hands sliding beneath my panties, pulling them down until they fall to my ankles. His hands reach around to my thick full ass, squeezing it tight. I now stand before this beast fully bare to his every desire. He forces me over the vanity, my face is pressed against the counter. I hear him remove the belt from the loops of his trousers; "WHOOSH!" The sting of the leather burns against my fleshy ass cheeks sending a shrieking pain throughout my body. I cry out in utter anguish. He strikes his belt against my ass, harder, again and again. The pain rushes through me like a blazing fire. My nails are digging into the counter as tears are streaming down my cheeks. I hear him reach into the medicine cabinet. My eyes close out of fear. I hear the water running in the shower. He turns back to me and his hands are now rubbing my swollen ass. His friend walks into the bathroom now, no words are exchanged between them. I feel my ass cheeks being opened and a long syringe is inserted into my tight asshole. A rush of warm water fills me while fingers are probing my cunt. The humiliation, the sweet utter humiliation is so intense yet, almost exciting. I hear his friend laughing as he enjoys the scene before him. The syringe is removed and replaced by a hot tongue darting in and out of my asshole. I can barely hold the water inside of me. I hear my dark stranger tell me not to let it go; that I have to hold it or I’ll be punished again. His friend feverishly tongue fucks my tight ass. His hands spreading my ass cheeks open wide. His fingers sliding in and out of my hot cunt hard and fast. The feeling is so intense. I feel him pull me back but not against his face. His hands wrap around my waist, another set of hands keeps my ass spread wide as he rams his hard cock deep inside me without warning. Again, pain fills my body as he rapes my tight ass. I scream in horror as my mind tries to comprehend what is happening. Harder and faster his cock is pumping in and out of me while the water is trickling down his stiff rod. “WHAP!”…Again the belt scourges my tender flesh. This time both of them laugh at the pain they inflict.

The stranger lifts my left leg as he kneels beneath me. Eagerly his mouth covers my hot cunt and his tongue darts in and out of my pussy. His friend grabs the back of my hair, pulling my head back hard. I now see my own face in the mirror. The tears stream down my red, humiliated reflection. Harder and harder his cock plunges deep in my ass. The other, his tongue ravishing my pussy and my clit, sucking it hard. His friend laughs louder now, calling me his filthy little slut whore. The profanities continue as my asshole is being stretched. Not only is there a huge cock in my ass but I feel the pressure of my stranger’s fingers sliding in my asshole also. One…two…three fingers, spreading me open. The pain is unbearable. Screaming in pain until my voice becomes nothing more than a silent shriek, both of them violate my ass as the water begins to gush out. My body quakes, cunt juice now dripping down my thighs. How can I possibly be coming? Unable to take any more, I explode! Cunt juice spraying this stranger’s face, water spraying out of my ass all over cock and hands. All the while I’m sobbing, belittled, humiliated. I feel them both pull out of me abruptly and I'm too ashamed to look at either of them. The stranger leads me to the shower and helps me in. The warmth of the water rushes over my hot flesh. It feels so good. For now. They both leave the room telling me I have five minutes to prepare. The door closes. I’m left alone, nowhere to go, sobbing. The rest of the water that filled me now streams down my legs, pink in color from the blood that trickles with it. I slowly begin to wash my body trying to scrub away the filth that lingers on my skin. Not knowing how much more I can possibly endure, I try to tell myself that I’ll get through this.

I turn off the water and step out of the tub. As I reach for a towel the door opens again. The stranger takes the towel from me and dries me off, gently. His hands caress my sore bare ass as if to rub away the unwavering pain. He lifts my chin so that I can look at him. I feel his eyes piercing through me as he asks, “Are you ready my precious?” I slowly nod. He reaches his hand out to me. Scared and shivering, I place my hand in his as he leads me to another room of the house. While I follow him down the dim hall my mind fills with thoughts of rage and fear, but somehow, beneath it all there’s a sense of excitement and anticipation, wondering what these two have in store for me next. For a moment I am taken back to a time when I remember having fantasies of being dominated my two men. I would get so worked up over the thought of being tied up and forced to perform. It was just a fantasy though. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine it would happen, at least not like this. We enter a large master bedroom. There, before me is a king sized, four post bed with tethers at each corner. White, silk sheers adorn the posts, draping the floor elegantly. Large white candles illuminate the room, which has no windows. The floor is carpeted in plush crimson accenting the cream colored walls that are skillfully decorated in paintings of medieval erotic scenes. A table sits at the end of the bed covered with various devices. Multiple dildos, clamps of various sizes, a whip, blindfold, ball gag, and metal speculum devices. There are so many things; some of which I'd never seen before. I can feel the goose bumps start to cover my skin. For the first time, I can see the man that drove us to this place. He's a younger, medium framed man. His muscular build is defined and toned. His face is very youthful with soft features. He too, has piercing blue eyes. His head is shaved, as is the rest of his body. Neither of these men look the type that would do such a thing to a woman. A black leather collar adorns his neck and a black leather thong covers his cock, showing the outline of his thick shaft through the material. He is obviously well endowed. He walks over to me, and takes my wrist as my dark stranger walks away. He has an arrogant smirk upon his face but says nothing. Quickly his hand grabs at my firm tits. The other hand reaches around the back of my neck as he kisses me forcefully. His hot tongue darts between my lips, parting them and enters my mouth. I try to pull away and he kisses me harder. He bites at my lips, drawing blood with his teeth. Again I pull away. He only laughs.

“Bring her here,” my dark stranger says firmly. He grabs my wrist again and drags me over to the bed, pushing me down over the edge. My body falls onto the bed face first. The stranger grabs my hands and pulls me to the center of the bed and holds me down while his friend bounds my wrists and ankles with the tethers. My legs are spread wide. My shaved pussy is fully exposed for their pleasures. My stranger has now covered my eyes with a blindfold, and gagged me with a silk scarf. I am totally helpless. The tethers are so tight around my wrists. If I try to move the leather digs into my skin, burning my flesh. I can feel both of them now laying beside me on the bed. Their hands roughly fondle every crevice of my body. Their mouths licking and sucking my bare full tits, biting my swollen nipples. Both of them slide their hands between my legs. One of them parts the swollen lips of my cunt as the other fingers my pussy to wetness. Their hands are thick and large and I can feel their wide fingers thrusting in and out of my pussy vigorously. Hard and fast, they both plunge each of their two fingers inside of my cunt. The pain is torture. One of them begins sucking my clit like it is a cock, flicking it with his tongue. The gag in my mouth muffles my screams as hot tears stream down my face beneath the blindfold. I feel my ankles being released from the tethers and my legs are pulled up and spread wide. While one of the men holds my legs apart, the other now begins to slide more of his fingers inside of me. What I think is two, feels like three, then turns to four. He fucks me hard and rough surging a wave of heat though me. The burning of my tender flesh being torn as he violently thrusts his fist deep into my hot, tight cunt makes me scream louder. But again it is muffled. My legs are being spread further apart, opening my pussy to the fullest extent. “Fuck her hard!” I hear a voice yell. “Fuck this dirty bitch good!” “Oh yes,” the other says. “You like your cunt being fist fucked, don’t you bitch?” he asks. In and out his hand slides. Faster and harder he plunges his fist inside of me. He pulls his fist out completely then slams it back in hard. “Keep those legs up in the air you whore!” one of them spats, as he starts to finger my clit. He spreads the lips of my cunt open wider, giving way to the fist that is pounding me relentlessly. He spits on my pussy making it wetter for his friend’s fist to ram deeper inside. Now his mouth is on my clit, licking it violently and fast. The anguish I feel is unbearable. My body feels weak as I try to fight off the emotions racing through me. There's was a pause and the torment has stopped for a moment.

I feel the bed give way as one of them gets up. I can't see beneath the sheath that covers my eyes. What are they doing, I wonder? Then my legs are pulled up, being pressed over my head. They tie my ankles to the headboard, leaving my legs spread wide and my ass high in the air. I feel something wet drip down over my hot pussy to the crack of my ass. “Look at that nice tight asshole just waiting to be fucked.” I hear a voice say. “Mmm, yes. I have something special for that ass,” is the response. Again, a rough fist slams into my cunt hard. He's standing over me plunging his hand, up to his wrist, deep inside of my suffering pussy. I feel the pressure against my quivering asshole. With no mercy, the head of a huge dildo is rammed into my ass and I scream and writhe beneath them. These mongrels are brutalizing both of my holes. The huge cock buries deep in my ass tearing the sensitive skin of my tight asshole. Both of them are raping me simultaneously. Again the insults come. I feel the hand slip out of my cunt and slap my ass hard. He spreads my ass cheeks wide as the other violently rams the stiff dildo in and out of my ass. “Smack!” He slaps my ass again, this time harder leaving his prints on my flesh. “You dirty, nasty whore! You know you like this hard cock in your ass!” They laugh. Just then the dildo is pulled out and replaced by a hard, stiff cock of one of them. His cock is bigger than the cock he used to fuck me with. The bald, younger man removes the gag from my mouth yelling, “ I want to hear you scream while we fuck your ass, you slut!” My asshole is being ripped apart by this huge cock being slammed in and out of my stretched hole. Over and over I beg for them to stop. But the more I beg the harder they fuck me.

They switch back and forth taking turns raping my sore ass. “Shut her up,” my dark assailant says. While the dark haired beast pounds my asshole, the other man shoves his huge thick cock into my mouth. “Suck it bitch!” he orders. The young brute grabs my face as he jams his stiff rod into my mouth and starts fucking it viciously. His cock is jammed deep in my throat, gagging me. He grabs my head and slams his cock harder in my mouth. Then he takes it out and smacks my face with his wet cock while forcing me to look at him. His soft features have become hardened and stern, like that of a rabid animal. His perfect teeth are clinched tight while saliva seeps through from his grunting. While his friend continues to brutally fuck my stretched asshole, I feel the cold steel blades of a speculum being slid into my cunt. I can hear it clicking of the device as my pussy is being spread open wider and wider. His fingers are buried deep in me, roughly pressing against the inside of my cunt walls. His thumb is fondling my huge swollen clit. My body is so numb now and my screams have somehow turned to moans. “Ahh yes. You DO like being raped like this you fucking cunt!” the dark stranger whispers in my ear. How can this be? I have started to actually enjoy the torture that is being forced upon my body. I have finally given in. “Beg us to fuck you!” the young voice orders. “Beg us you whore!” My voice struggled to respond. In a faint whisper I plead, “Yes, please fuck me. Please fuck my ass.“ There is a wet mouth on my pussy, a throbbing cock in my ass, and my pussy is still spread with this device. My young master is spanking my cunt vigorously. A wave of fire comes over me as I feel myself start to come. Spurts of fluid are gushing from my aching cunt. I'm squirting my cunt juice all over them both. The more I come, the harder my ass gets reamed by my vicious master's huge cock. I feel his cock quickly pull out of my ass and then jam his wet tongue in and out of my hole while his fingers spread my asshole apart. Then they stop. They remove the metal instrument from my ass and release the tethers. My body collapses on the bed and they took a moment to refresh themselves, leaving me weak and jaded. I'm too exhausted to try and run. My thighs are wet from the juices that are flowing from my aching cunt. My wrists and ankles are red and bruised from the restraints and my asshole is burning from the cruelty it has received. My eyes are irritated and swollen from the tears that had streamed down my cheeks. The two monsters have humiliated me and forced me to submit to their brutal torture. I truly feel like the whore they've made me.

When they both walk back into the room their cocks are still erect and rigid as before. The arrogant look on their faces show their God-like and smug pride of the cruelty they had dished out just moments ago. As they walk near the bed they both grab a whip and order me on my hands and knees. Obediently, I do as they ask, without hesitation. With my ass high in the air my dark master presses my face down hard into the bed. The first sting of the whip as it lashes across my tender flesh goes shrieking throughout my body. I scream, almost losing my breath. Again comes another blow to the fleshy cheeks of my ass. This one even harder. Over and over they take turns whipping me until I become numb to the pain. My young, bald master picks up a candle that was lit earlier and has now burned down to where the center is full of hot melted wax. Slowly, he pours it over my aching, raw ass. I sob in agony as the wax drips down the crack of my ass to the inside of my thighs. My knuckles turn white as I dig my nails into the sheets on the bed. Again the tears fall. My hands are now being bound behind my back with a piece of rope that feels gnawed and razor-like. They insert another device into my asshole that spreads it wide open once again. The grip on the rope around my wrists tightens and burns into my skin as a cock is plunged deep in my pussy. With deep piercing eyes gazing upon me, my dark master pulls me back hard against him while his cock buries deep inside of me. The young man uses a vibrating dildo at the same time and thrusts it deep into my already gaping asshole. The dildo catches against the metal device that is probing me, ripping the sensitive flesh of my asshole, making me scream. He pulls it out quickly and spits his saliva into my opened hole. Again he jams the dildo back into my ass, fucking it brutally as his friend rapes my wet, aching cunt. His balls are slapping against my clit with every angry thrust. He pounds me with such fury that it presses my face deep into the bed. They take turns, over and over, violating my body until I pray for death to come. My body has become so numb to the pain and I feel as though my soul has left, leaving my mind to drift off to a place of memories that remind me of my youth. It's as though, for that moment, I'm no longer conscience to what is happening. All I can see around me is darkness; not a sound rings in my ears, nor a thought left in my head... nothing.

When I awake in the morning, I'm in the comfort of my bed, wrapped in the softness of my blankets. I throw the blankets back expecting to find a reminder of what had just happened. But there is nothing. My skin is as white as snow without a flaw on it. No bruises or scratches. No bite marks or burns. Was it all just a terrible dream? I jump from the bed and stretch while making my way to the bathroom. As I walk, I felt a burning sensation between my thighs. My legs are so weak and wobbly. I turn on the shower and get in. While standing under the warmth, I can feel the water trickling down my body, over my stomach, and between my legs. The flesh of my pussy is throbbing and burning as I try to wash. It feels like I have been ripped open. I can’t get the visuals of my dark strangers out of my mind. But it had to be a dream. There is no way this could have took place. Purely my imagination. I know I had been drinking wine the night before, as the taste of the Merlot is still upon my lips. But I last recalled being alone, at home, so this couldn't have possibly happened. Confused, I finish my shower, still feeling tired and weak. As I step out onto the cool ceramic tile on the floor, I wipe the steam from the mirror and look at my reflection. I turn to the side to view my back, just to prove to myself this was just a crazy dream. My blurry eyes squint to see the reflection in the mirror. Startled by the image staring back at me, the remnants of scarlet abrasions still lingered on my skin.
 
Last edited:
first of all, paragraphs are your friend-- once you've written your words up, it's good to seperate them into groups that go together.

since most of the story has no dialogue, it would probably be better to not use dialogue at all. Instead, try reporting that something was said. Instead of: "you dirty nasty whore you loved it!" try;

He calls me a dirty nasty whore. He tells me I loved it. He's right. it might actually be hotter for the readers that way, because they can imagine what he says themselves and you'll get more people feeling the personal reaction that way.

Every once in a while, you fall out of present tense into past tense. you'll want to fix those.

unless the bleeding asshole is a real turnon for you, you might want to replace it with lube. We like our pain to be non-life threatening, in general. I do love me some speculum action however!

That's all I've got for you. This thread will most likely be moved into the story feedback forum soonish.
 
Thanks for the input. I caught a few things I missed on the editing. as far as it being moved, I am new to this and wasn't sure where to post it. sorry, I'm still learning this site. =)
 
Thanks for the input. I caught a few things I missed on the editing. as far as it being moved, I am new to this and wasn't sure where to post it. sorry, I'm still learning this site. =)

If you're looking for a more "bang!" style shock-ending, I would suggest also make her injuries even less obvious until she looks in the mirror. Try and re-word the bit for as much surprise as possible. Like this maybe? Obviously this is just my own version so take it as a suggestion rather than something you should copypasta.

Maybe I'd had too much to drink, and it was just a bad hangover dream. I really shouldn't have that much wine, it always gave me the wierdest, most vivid imaginings, and I'd badly frightened myself thinking I had been raped. Worst yet, that I had been raped and...enjoyed it.

The tension drained out of my shoulders, tension I hadn't even realized I'd had in me, once I convinced myself that it hadn't been any more than just a product of having one too many glasses of merlot. Exhaling deeply, I squinted into the mirror as I wrapped a towel around my hair. The steam had fogged the glass, so I wiped at it with a still-wet hand.

The face that looked back at me drained of all it's color. Three crimson slashes showed vividly against my cheeks where I had been whipped.

I took a shaky step back from the mirror, my expression blank horror.

It happened.
 
Back
Top