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HP, this could be a stand-alone threat all by itself.

IDIOT SIGHTING #9

Large pharmacy chain in the major shopping mall in town has signs hanging from the ceiling showing what is in each aisle. One of them directed people to 'Incontinents'. Just in case anybody wanted to find the aisle filled with anxious-looking old men and women, I guess...


IDIOT SIGHTING #10 (grammar-Nazi division)

My gymnasium is going through major renovations. There's a large sign detailing what will be done, including construction of a 'Women's Only Area'. When I mentioned it in passing to one of the managers, they couldn't see anything wrong. I wonder how the gals will feel when they are herded into there and denied access to the rest of the place?
 
22 APHORISM'S:

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
DEFINING THE DISTANCE BETWEEN MARS AND VENUS

by Diane White
The Boston Globe

A few differences between the sexes:

When a woman wears his clothes, she’s in love; when a man wears her clothes, he needs professional help.

Women look in the mirror and see flaws; men look in the mirror and see why women find them fascinating.

Women cry at the movies because they’re in touch with their feelings; men cry at the movies because they’re not.

Women see a half-empty gas tank; men see more than enough gas to get to Hartford and back.

Women wear basic black because 1) it makes them look thinner; 2) it goes with everything else they own; 3) it’s sexy. Men wear basic black because it hides the dirt.

A women knows all his specifics, right down to his watch-band size. A man has a rough idea of her height and the size of her chest, but can’t remember exactly what colour her eyes are.

Men forget women’s birthdays; women forget how old they are.

At work, women take orders from men. At work, men take suggestions from women.

A woman will ask a man if she looks fat; a man will never ask a woman if he looks bald.

Men argue and five minutes later it’s forgotten and they’re best friends again. Women argue and then brood over it for months.

When women say, “I’m sorry,” and they say it constantly, it’s usually automatic, mindless, a bad habit. On the rare occasions men say they’re sorry, they really mean it.

Women know when it’s over; men stick around until they’re asked to leave.

A woman will write a cheque for $2.37 at the supermarket. A man would rather starve.

Men talk about themselves endlessly; women talk about men endlessly.

Men put their mistakes behind them. Women relive their mistakes over and over again until they die of embarrassment.

Women name their cars; men name their penises.

Men play to win; women play to play.

Women believe in maps; men believe in their sense of direction.

Men think women have no sense of humour. Women think men have no idea how funny male behaviour is.

Men drink beer because that’s what men do. Women drink beer because there’s nothing else available to drink.

When a woman says, “I’ll call you,” it means she’ll call you. When a man says, “I’ll call you,” it could mean anything.

Women want to share feelings; men want to share pizza.

A man will give up drinking and lose 10 pounds in three days. A woman will give up eating and gain five pounds in two days.

Men jump to conclusions. Women consider things forever, from every possible angle, and still can’t decide.

Women know they’re at the mercy of their biological clocks. Men are sure they have all the time in the world.

A woman will recork a bottle that holds half a glass of wine. A man will finish off the bottle.

Women love to send greeting cards. Men aren’t sure what greeting cards are for, exactly.

Men are attracted to younger women because they want to feel like kids again.
Women wish men would grow up and act their age.

A woman thinks she’s saving money if she goes to a sale and buys something she doesn’t need. A man won’t go to the sale.

Women think good sex is an integral part of a relationship, Men think sex is an integral part of a relationship.

Men stereotype women. Women generalize about men.
 
Handley_Page said:
STAY ALERT! They walk among us, and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and to REPRODUCE!
Click to expand...

Idiot Sighting #9:

My wife and I went out last summer for lunch with three friends---a couple and a single woman. When the time came to pay the bill, the single woman graciously offered that we simply split the bill into three equal parts, of which she would pay one. When the waitress picked up the three credit cards, we told her that's what we wanted her to do.

She paused, a bit non-plussed. And she said, "How would I do that?"

---------------

No, that's not the end of the story; there's worse. When we'd recovered and done the division by three for her, she said, "I probably shouldn't admit this, but I teach fourth grade during the school year."
 
TxRad said:
Isn't sex supposed to be sexier by fire light? so Burn and then rape would be better wouldn't it?
Click to expand...

No come on guys, get it right:
Rape, Pillage and THEN burn

------------


Parent's Dictionary of Meanings ...

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
 
Handley_Page said:
No come on guys, get it right:
Rape, Pillage and THEN burn
Click to expand...

I thought Tx was just being romantic, but I agree with his order of things. You pillage and burn THEN rape, because all the women come running out of the burning houses, and that makes them easier to catch.
 
NotWise said:
I thought Tx was just being romantic, but I agree with his order of things. You pillage and burn THEN rape, because all the women come running out of the burning houses, and that makes them easier to catch.
Click to expand...

There's something worryingly wrong with all you people; no wonder mummy said I wasn't to play with any of those naughty boys down the block...
 
Can't miss weighing in on this. From the long-running space-opera comic strip Schlock Mercenary:

The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

A popular handbook in the Schlock Mercenary universe. The book's maxims are often quoted, by number, by the strip's characters.

1. Pillage, then burn.
2. A sergeant in motion outranks a lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.
3. An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.
4. Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.
5. Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.
6. If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.
7. If the food is good enough, the grunts will stop complaining about the incoming fire.
8. Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.
9. Never turn your back on an enemy.
10. Sometimes the only way out is through the hull.
11. Everything is air-droppable at least once.
12. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.
13. Do unto others.
14. 'Mad Science' means never stopping to ask, "what's the worst thing that could happen?"
15. Only you can prevent friendly fire.
16. Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.
17. The longer everything goes according to plan, the bigger the impending disaster.
18. If the officers are leading from in front, watch out for an attack from the rear.
19. The world is richer when you turn enemies into friends, but that's not the same as you being richer.
20. If you're not willing to shell your own position, you're not willing to win.
21. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.
22. If you can see the whites of their eyes, somebody's done something wrong.
23. The company mess and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart
24. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a big gun.
25. If the damage you do is covered by a manufacturers warranty, you didn't do enough damage. Amended: If a manufacturer's warranty covers the damage you did, you didn't do enough damage.
26. 'Fire and Forget' is fine, provided you never actually forget.
27. Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.
28. If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you.
29. The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.
30. A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.
31. Only cheaters prosper.
32. Anything is amphibious if you can get it back out of the water.
33. If you're leaving tracks, you're being followed.
34. If you’re leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun.
35. That which does not kill you has made a tactical error. Amended: That which does not kill me has made a tactical error.
36. When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.
37. There is no 'overkill.' There is only 'open fire' and 'I need to reload'. Amended: There is no "overkill." There is only 'open fire' and 'reload'.
38. Just because it's easy for you doesn't mean it can't be hard on your clients. Amended: What's easy for you can still be hard on your clients.
39. There is a difference between spare parts and extra parts.
40. Not all good news is enemy action.
41. “Do you have a backup?” means “I can’t fix this.”
42. "They'll never expect this" means "I want to try something stupid."
43. If it's stupid and it works, it's still stupid and you're lucky.
44. If it will blow a hole in the ground, it will double as an entrenching tool.
45. The size of the combat bonus is inversely proportional to the likelihood of surviving to collect it.
46. Don’t try to save money by conserving ammunition.
47. Don't expect the enemy to cooperate in the creation of your dream engagement.
48. If it ain't broke, it hasn't been issued to the infantry.
49. Every client is one missed payment away from becoming a target and every target is one bribe away from becoming a client.
50. If it only works in exactly the way the manufacturer intended, it is defective.
51. Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it.
52. The army you've got is never the army you want.
53. The intel you've got is never the intel you want.
54. The best way to win a one-on-one fight is to be the third to arrive. Amended: It's only too many troops if you can't pay them.
55. It's only too many weapons if they're pointing in the wrong direction.
56. Infantry exists to paint targets for people with real guns.
57. Artillery exists to launch large chunks of budget at an enemy it cannot actually see.
58. The pen is mightiest when it writes orders for more swords.
59. Two wrongs are probably not going to be enough.
60. Any weapon's rate of fire is inversely proportional to the number of available targets.
61. Don't bring big grenades into small rooms.
62. Anything labeled 'This end toward enemy' is dangerous at both ends.
63. The brass knows how to do it by knowing who can do it.
64. An ounce of sniper is worth a pound of suppressing fire.
65. After the toss, be the one with the pin, not the one with the grenade.
66. Necessity is the mother of deception.
67. If you can't carry cash, carry a weapon.
68. Negotiating from a position of strength does not mean you shouldn’t also negotiate from a position near the exits.
69. Sometimes rank is a function of firepower.
70. Failure is not an option - it is mandatory. The option is whether or not to let failure be the last thing you do.
 
Actual UK Medical Acronyms:

404 moment - The point in a doctor's ward round when medical records cannot be located. Comes from HTTP 404 error "Not Found".

Agnostication - A substitute for prognostication. Term used to the describe the usually vain attempt to answer the question: "How long have I got, doc?"

Ash cash - UK peculiarity of house officers obtaining payment for signing cremation forms

Baby Catcher - an obstetrician [3]

Bagging - manually helping a patient breathe using an Ambu bag attached to a mask that covers the face [3]

Bash cash - UK peculiarity of Registrars obtaining payment for medical reports on patients who have allegedly been assaulted

Blamestorming - Apportionment of blame after the wrong leg or kidney is removed or some other particularly egregious foul-up.

Blood Suckers/Leeches/Vampires - those who take blood samples, such as laboratory technicians and Phlebotomists

Boomerang Child - patient who returns with the same complaint so often they have a favourite chair in the Day-Room

Bounceback - a patient who returns to the emergency department with the same complaints shortly after being released

Bury the Hatchet - accidentally leaving a surgical instrument inside a patient

CNS-QNS - Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient.

Code Brown - a faecal incontinence emergency. Often used by nurses and medical technicians requesting help cleaning up an unexpected bowel movement.

Code Yellow - a patient who has lost control of his or her bladder

CTD - "Circling The Drain"

DBI - "Dirt Bag Index", arrived at by multiplying the number of tattoos by the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed.

Departure lounge - geriatric ward

DIC - Death Is Coming

Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery

Disco biscuits - refers to the nightclub drug ecstasy. Usage: "The man in cubicle three looks like he's taken one too many disco biscuit". Also means the drug quaaludes.

Doc in a Box - a small health-care center, usually with high staff turnover

Donorcycle - nursing slang for a motorcycle, so named due to the amount of head trauma associated with motorcycle accidents, but less so with the body, making the perfect candidate for organ donation

FLK - Funny Looking Kid - Self-explanatory, check parents' medical histories...

Freud Squad - the psychiatry department

FTD - Fixin' to Die

Gas Passer - an anesthesiologist (also Gasser, Gas Man or Gaswallah)

GI Rounds - medical staff taking a break to eat lunch/dinner

GOMER - "get out of my emergency room" - slacker looking for sign-off on a medical certificate to avoid work

GLM - good looking mum

GLM/SATK - Good looking mum, shame about the kids...

GPO - "Good for Parts Only

GROLIES - Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt.

Handbag positive - confused patient (usually elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag

Hasselhoff - a term for any patient who shows up in the emergency room with an injury for which there is a bizarre explanation.

LOBNH - "Lights On But Nobody Home"

M & Ms - mortality and morbidity conferences where doctors and other health-care professionals discuss mistakes and patient deaths

MOB/GC - Minding own business, got clobbered

NAD - Not Actually Done

NFN - "Normal For Norfolk", (a rural English county stereotypically associated with inbreeding.)

O-sign - A patient is "giving the O-sign" who is is very sick, lying with his mouth open. This is followed by the Q-sign - when the tongue hangs out of the mouth - when the patient becomes terminal.

Oligoneuronal meaning someone who is thick (not smart).

PAFO - "Pissed And Fell Over"

PFO - see PAFO

PHD - Pakistani Healing Dance; a meaningless procedure carried out at the insistence of patient's relatives in the hope it will effect a cure

Pumpkin Positive - Refers to the idea that a person's brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into their mouth will make their empty head gleam like a Halloween pumpkin.

Q-sign - see O-Sign

Rear Admiral - a proctologist

Rheumaholiday - rheumatology (considered by hard-pressed juniors to be a less busy department)

Rule of Five - means that if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance of survival.

Slasher - surgeon

Shotgunning - ordering a wide variety of tests in the hope that one will show what's wrong with a patient

Testiculation - Description of a gesture typically used by hospital consultant "when holding forth on subject on which he or she has little knowledge". Gesture is of an upturned hand with outstretched fingers pointed upwards, clutching an invisible pair of testicles.

TEETH - tried everything else, try homeopathy.

TTFO - Told To Fuck Off.

TTR - Tea Time Review

UBI - "Unexplained Beer Injury"

Walmart Test - Anaesthetic term (if you can imagine patient shopping in Walmart, it's safe to give a general anaesthetic)

I use a lot of these in my daily life at the clinic; my juniors have to resort to a glossary the wife made for them, and my seniors at the regional authority have never questioned them, they don't ever bother reading clinical reports because they're all too busy waiting for their mistresses husbands to bugger off with their mistresses so they can get some too.
 
Last edited:
Raising taxes is easier than pillaging and burning, and also functions as rape. Rape-em all!
 
Hypoxia said:
Raising taxes is easier than pillaging and burning, and also functions as rape. Rape-em all!
Click to expand...

The one who puts the most money in the offering plate is the one with the most sins for the week, according to an old preacher i used to know.
 
I like TEETH.

"Code brown" is used here. It seems especially common in nursing homes, but the implications are worse in psychiatric hospitals where there are hypermanic patients with limited means of expressing themselves.
 
A herc was flying along sweeping for the red arrows, the reds decided to escort the herc. The Flying Tarts egos got the better of them when flying next to the slow herc and the herc capt. heard over the radio "fancy a bet? looser gets the rounds in? Anything you can do flying I'll do better!"

Now the herc pilot thought for a few moments, if he lost getting the rounds in all night would be quite expensive and a lot more than the rates, then the SVC whispered in his ear, the herc capt smiled and gave a thumbs up to the Reds, "roger that, your on!" the reds formed up and did a few close passes to each other and then the red leader though the hawk through an impressive array of aerobatic manoeuvres...

The herc continued to flight straight and level, nothing seemed to change, so after 15 min the red lead called over to the herc and asked a little confussed "so what did you do?"

"well" replied the herc pilot, "firstly i finished the game of scrabble i was having with the co-pilot while watching a dvd, then the loadie made me a very nice cup of tea and a hot meal, i went for a quick walk to stretch my legs and take a slash, there's are very nice lady pax sitting on the flt deck so then i had a conversation with her before going for a danger w@nk, the co- has control and now i might have a quick kip before we land... oh and we turned two of the engines off!

The reds brought the beers....
 
"You gotta help me, Doc," he said. "My balls hurt so bad that sometimes I can barely walk."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Several year, now,"

"Hmm," the doc replied. "Well, let's take a look."

The doctor examined him. "We see this," the doc said, and prescribed exercises to be performed daily.

A week later, he was back in the doctor's office. "Didn't work," he said.

"We'll try something else," the doctor allowed, and wrote him a prescription.

A week went by, and he was again in the doctor's office. "That didn't work, either," he told the doctor.

"Let's try something stronger," the doctor said as he reached for his prescription pad.

Two weeks passed, and he was back. "It helped," he said. "But the pain is still pretty bad."

"Hmm," mused the doctor, reaching again for the pad.

Another week went by and---you guessed it---he was there again. "Nope," he said.

"Okay, I'll write a referral to a good urologist for you. This guy is the best in the state---maybe the nation."

A few days later, he was in the urologist's office.

"I see from what your family doctor wrote that you're experiencing chronic orchialgia," the urologist said.

"If you mean that my balls have hurt for a long time," he replied, "you got it right."

"That happens to a lot of men," the doctor said. "We'll have you fixed up in no time."

The urologist examined him, and looked at the records. He saw what the family doc had done. "Let's move on to this," he said as he handed his new patient a prescription. "It usually works in cases like this."

Three days later, he was in the urologist's office again. "That made it worse," it said. "It was all I could do to sit in the car to drive here.

"That's normal," said the urologist. "Give it another week."

Like clockwork, he was back at the end of that week. "Still worse than it was before," he said.

The urologist scratched his head. "Very unusual," he said. He wrote another prescription and gave it to him, saying, "If this doesn't work, we'll have to try something drastic. Give it two weeks."

He was back two weeks later. "What's 'drastic' mean?" he asked. "I'm ready to try anything."

"You won't like it," said the urologist.

"I don't like the pain now," he said.

"I think that the only solution is a bilateral orchidectomy."

"Umm...?"

"We'll have to cut them both off."

That was a little too drastic. He left the urologist's office.

A week later, he was back. "The pain's too much," he said. "I can't take it any more. Whittle away."

He was in the hospital for a couple of days, and when he got out he felt like a new man. Except that he wasn't, really, not any more. But for the first time in years, he was completely free of pain.

"I think I'll get a new wardrobe to celebrate," he said to himself as he passed a menswear store on the way home. He stopped, went in, and told the salesman that we wanted new clothes: New shirts, new trousers, new ties, new shoes, new sports coats, new suits...

"Let's start with trousers," the salesman said, looking at him carefully. "You're a 36 waist, 30 inseam."

"That's right," the man said. "How'd you know?"

"I've been in this business a while. I've had a lot of practice."

They found him several pairs of pants that he liked. Then on to shirts. Looking at him again, the salesman said, "That'll be a 16-inch collar, 34-inch arms."

"You hit the nail on the head!"

And on through sports coats, suits, ties, and so on. Always, the salesman knew from looking at him just what would fit and what wouldn't.

As the salesman was getting things together to complete the sale, he said, "What about new underwear. You can't wear old skivvies under all of these new things."

"You're right," the guy said. "I need new underwear!"

"You're a size 36," the salesman said. "We've got a nice selection in that size."

"No," the guy said. "I'm a size 32---you finally missed one."

"You're wrong," the salesman said, after taking a second look. "You're a 36. Definitely. No question about it."

"I'm telling you, I'm a 32."

"Buddy," said the salesman, "if you wear size 32 undershorts, your balls are gonna hurt so bad you'll have to get them cut off."
 
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?".
 
People who don't understand introspection need to take a long hard look at themselves.
 
NotWise said:
I thought Tx was just being romantic, but I agree with his order of things. You pillage and burn THEN rape, because all the women come running out of the burning houses, and that makes them easier to catch.
Click to expand...

Nah; the fire is used to cremate the ones who said "Death before dishonour"
[sorry].

====

A man was driving down the road when a rabbit ran out in front of him.
He heard a loud bang. he stopped the car, got out and inspected the damage and found a large dent in his bumper and the creature dead by the side of the road.

A few moments later a woman pulled up in a car. she got out and had a look at what was going on. she proceeded to rummage through her bag. she pulled out a can and sprayed the creature with it.

After a few moments it got up and hopped away.
The man watched on. it hopped a few metres then turned round and waved. then hopped a few metres and turned round and waved. the man asked the woman what she had sprayed it with. she handed him the can. the can read.... Hair spray... restores dead hair to life, and installs permanent wave!
 
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,how
many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum,how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his Willy is like an oak tree,mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
 
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