Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
What's big and red and doesn't fit down rabbit holes?
A Fire Engine!!!!
A Fire Engine!!!!
More Humour
- Thread starter Handley_Page
- Start date
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
CarlusMagnus
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2011
- Posts
- 1,183
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important, They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?'
The little girl thought for a moment and said...
'I think so.
Provided those bastards at the builder's merchants deliver the ****ing bricks on Monday.'
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important, They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?'
The little girl thought for a moment and said...
'I think so.
Provided those bastards at the builder's merchants deliver the ****ing bricks on Monday.'
microboy2014
Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2014
- Posts
- 45
the makers of viagra have made a new pill for women
its niagara
apparently it makes the wet.
its niagara
apparently it makes the wet.
microboy2014
Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2014
- Posts
- 45
how do you get Trump to change a lightbulb ?
tell him Obama fitted it
tell him Obama fitted it
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"
Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"
Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"
dididothat
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 26, 2013
- Posts
- 314
I got given a load of plasticine the other week.
I had no idea what to make of it.
I had no idea what to make of it.
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Posts
- 6,492
A lovely young history student began volunteering at the local military museum for course credit. One of her fellow volunteers was a careeer soldier, a Korean War vet, very old but still strong and with a raft of military experience and stories. While they clashed over minor things, she began to realize that this was a very good man. Eventually, she began to worry that he often seemed very down.
One night, after the visitors had all left and the two of them were alone to close up, she said to him, "Sergeant, you are a really amazing man, but I must say that you seem very sad all the time."
"Well, miss," the old NCO replied, "it's just 40 years of Army memories, I guess."
"But you don't ever seem to relax."
"Oh," the old man smiled, "I'm OK. Really."
"Well," she said, laying a soft hand on his arm, "may I ask you a personal question?"
The vet nodded.
"I know you told me you were never married. Forgive me, but when did you last have sex?"
The old man close his eyes, thought for a moment and then replied, "I think it was 1955."
"What?" the girl cried. "1955! That's appalling!" Whereupon she dragged the old man into the staff lounge and proceeded to 'relax' him - twice.
Afterwards, totally spent and still panting, she lay with her head on his grey chest and remarked sleepily, "That was amazing! You know, for a man who hasn't had sex since 1955, you sure haven't forgotten how!"
The old man looked at his watch and replied, "Gee, I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
One night, after the visitors had all left and the two of them were alone to close up, she said to him, "Sergeant, you are a really amazing man, but I must say that you seem very sad all the time."
"Well, miss," the old NCO replied, "it's just 40 years of Army memories, I guess."
"But you don't ever seem to relax."
"Oh," the old man smiled, "I'm OK. Really."
"Well," she said, laying a soft hand on his arm, "may I ask you a personal question?"
The vet nodded.
"I know you told me you were never married. Forgive me, but when did you last have sex?"
The old man close his eyes, thought for a moment and then replied, "I think it was 1955."
"What?" the girl cried. "1955! That's appalling!" Whereupon she dragged the old man into the staff lounge and proceeded to 'relax' him - twice.
Afterwards, totally spent and still panting, she lay with her head on his grey chest and remarked sleepily, "That was amazing! You know, for a man who hasn't had sex since 1955, you sure haven't forgotten how!"
The old man looked at his watch and replied, "Gee, I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
I'm leaving you
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom
and daddy came into the room with the lady next door
and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word.
Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him
exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."
"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom
and daddy came into the room with the lady next door
and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word.
Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him
exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."
"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
Lori_the_Hoosier
Dhampyre
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2012
- Posts
- 4,633
Just got this, I can't vouch for its authenticity, but it made me laugh:
Stolen from the internet.
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.
The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
Stolen from the internet.
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.
The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favourite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”
“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”
“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”
“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”
“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”
beachbum1958
Indolent Adventurer
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2012
- Posts
- 1,014
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
A couple of poachers from Witham are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
jehoram
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2010
- Posts
- 4,453
A farmer's cow was killed by a freight train. He was told that he could get compensation by filing an insurance claim. He filled out the form and sent it in. After the question "Disposition of the carcass," he'd written "kind and gentle."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
Young Lad has a Homework excercise on the difference between Potential and Reality .. bit confused he approaches his Dad .. Dad say its no bother and he can demonstrate the difference to his son ..
Dad goes to see his wife and asks "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Mother replies "Yes I would .. I definitely would" ..
Dad then asks his teenage daughter "Would you sleep with Robbie Williams for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Daughter replies "Course I would .. In a Heartbeat" ..
Dad turns to his son and just says "There you go Boy ...." ..
Son Looks confused and says " I don't understand Dad" ..
Dad replies "Well potentially we are sitting on two million quid but in reality we are living with a pair of slags"
Dad goes to see his wife and asks "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Mother replies "Yes I would .. I definitely would" ..
Dad then asks his teenage daughter "Would you sleep with Robbie Williams for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Daughter replies "Course I would .. In a Heartbeat" ..
Dad turns to his son and just says "There you go Boy ...." ..
Son Looks confused and says " I don't understand Dad" ..
Dad replies "Well potentially we are sitting on two million quid but in reality we are living with a pair of slags"
jehoram
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2010
- Posts
- 4,453
The story goes that a research group called the Washington Biological Survey banded a flock of crows to determine migration patterns. The bands read "Wash. Biol. Surv." followed by a post office box number.
They got a postcard about three months later. The postcard read: "We caut one of yer birds. We washed it, biled it, and surved it. It was harble."
They got a postcard about three months later. The postcard read: "We caut one of yer birds. We washed it, biled it, and surved it. It was harble."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
A man was sound asleep on a rainy night and was aroused from his sleep by a drunk pounding on his door at 30 AM.
His wife says, "Answer the door!".
So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door. The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".
The man says, "It's 30 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door. He goes back to bed.
And his wife says, "What was that all about?"
The man says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to out in the rain at this hour!"
The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. The guy was nowhere to be seen.
He hollered, "Do you still need help?"
"Hey buddy, do you still need a push?"
Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."
The man says, "Where are you?"
The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!"
His wife says, "Answer the door!".
So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door. The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".
The man says, "It's 30 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door. He goes back to bed.
And his wife says, "What was that all about?"
The man says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to out in the rain at this hour!"
The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. The guy was nowhere to be seen.
He hollered, "Do you still need help?"
"Hey buddy, do you still need a push?"
Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."
The man says, "Where are you?"
The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!"
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Posts
- 6,492
The Story of Why Christmas Trees Have Angels On Top
Santa sat at his desk, fuming. The week had had Bad written all over it in about six different colours. The elves were threatening a strike and production was weeks behind. It was that time of the month for Mrs Claus and he was seriously thinking of going gay as a consequence. The reindeer had gotten into a bag of fruitcake and, one and all, were suffering from severe, explosive ‘stomach upset'. Moreover, the sleigh itself was in need of expensive repairs and the TSA was demanding he show proof of airworthiness before he would be allowed to take to the skies. The new computerized good-vs-bad boys and girls list had gone sour and he figured it was going to be 75% guesswork this season. And to top it all off, some asshat troll on Twitter had started an anti-Santa pogrom, claiming he was a pedophile.
“Just one more thing,” the old boy thought, “Just one more freaking thing...”
Just then, a smiling angel stuck her head into his office. “Hey, Santa!” she cried out, “Where do you want this Christmas tree?”
Santa sat at his desk, fuming. The week had had Bad written all over it in about six different colours. The elves were threatening a strike and production was weeks behind. It was that time of the month for Mrs Claus and he was seriously thinking of going gay as a consequence. The reindeer had gotten into a bag of fruitcake and, one and all, were suffering from severe, explosive ‘stomach upset'. Moreover, the sleigh itself was in need of expensive repairs and the TSA was demanding he show proof of airworthiness before he would be allowed to take to the skies. The new computerized good-vs-bad boys and girls list had gone sour and he figured it was going to be 75% guesswork this season. And to top it all off, some asshat troll on Twitter had started an anti-Santa pogrom, claiming he was a pedophile.
“Just one more thing,” the old boy thought, “Just one more freaking thing...”
Just then, a smiling angel stuck her head into his office. “Hey, Santa!” she cried out, “Where do you want this Christmas tree?”
Last edited:
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
ALCOHOL WARNINGS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering, when you are not.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4am.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named BO.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
* WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
* WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE err?? Ummm Oh well I forgot........
===============
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering, when you are not.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4am.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named BO.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
* WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
* WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE err?? Ummm Oh well I forgot........
===============
CarlusMagnus
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2011
- Posts
- 1,183
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Zeb_Carter
.-- - ..-.
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2006
- Posts
- 20,573
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
IDIOT SIGHTING #1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back."
She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!
Do not confuse the staff at MacDonald’s.
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
We had to have the garage door repaired.. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.Four is larger than two.
'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, Nr Watford UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign on our road.
She said the reason was: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.'
Story from Potters Bar, Herts, UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxhey. Herts. , UK...
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge”?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport ... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red...
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Councillor employee in Harrow, Middlesex, UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #7
When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'
This was at Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK.
IDIOT SIGHTING #8
A coach party were out for the day, stopped off at a refreshment halt in Hertfordshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for "Six decaffeinated please”, to which the girl replied: “Sorry, we only do coffee!”
STAY ALERT! They walk among us, and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and to REPRODUCE!
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back."
She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!
Do not confuse the staff at MacDonald’s.
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
We had to have the garage door repaired.. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.Four is larger than two.
'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, Nr Watford UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign on our road.
She said the reason was: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.'
Story from Potters Bar, Herts, UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxhey. Herts. , UK...
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge”?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport ... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red...
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Councillor employee in Harrow, Middlesex, UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #7
When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'
This was at Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK.
IDIOT SIGHTING #8
A coach party were out for the day, stopped off at a refreshment halt in Hertfordshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for "Six decaffeinated please”, to which the girl replied: “Sorry, we only do coffee!”
STAY ALERT! They walk among us, and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and to REPRODUCE!
beachbum1958
Indolent Adventurer
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2012
- Posts
- 1,014
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1.. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local Convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2.. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time --this should be banned."
3.. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4.. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5.. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6.. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7.. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8.. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9.. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17.. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant; this would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.
1.. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local Convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2.. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time --this should be banned."
3.. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4.. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5.. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6.. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7.. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8.. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9.. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17.. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant; this would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.
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