More Humour

[Handley_Page]

A homeless man showed up at a winery asking for a job application. He was dirty and reeked of alcohol. He insisted the owner give him a chance by doing a wine tasting. After some arguing the owner gave in and asked his assistant to bring a sample of wine. The homeless man swirled it around in the glass and smelled it. He then took a sip and said, “Obviously red. Merlot. The grapes were not grown at this location; they were grown at a higher sea level. Aged in an oak barrel but not for long—I’d say for about a year.”

Impressed, the owner allowed him to sample another glass. And then another and another, each time the homeless man was spot on! But “he must be doing this to get some free booze” thought the owner, “I’ll show him!” The owner whispered something to his assistant and gave her a wink. A moment later she brought out a glass of urine.

The homeless man swirled it around, took a sniff, then drank it. “She’s about 5’2”. Black hair. 8 days pregnant and if I don’t get this job I’m going to tell everyone who the father is!”

 

[Trionyx]

Mostly healed, I should say. I mean... they said that he did come out a little cock-eyed.

Did he ‘look’ pissed?

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Larry was an old piece of lasso who steps into a bar one day for a drink. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Hey, Pal, we don’t serve ropes here.”

Larry steps outside, ties himself into a clove hitch and unravels one of his ends into a feathery mess. He goes back inside and in a low voice says, “Beer, please.” Bartender says, “Hey. aren’t you that rope who was just in here?” Larry replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

 

[12oclocktales]

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

 

[StillStunned]

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Rimmer: "I want you to call me by my nickname in school. 'Ace'."
Lister: "No way was your nickname in school 'Ace'. 'Ace-hole', maybe."

- Red Dwarf, "Kryten"

 

[Handley_Page]

"----it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked and he must commit suicide if he does."



So next Sunday at 4.00 PM , all British women are asked to walk out of

their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.



Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist

effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of

their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that

they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show

support for all British women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at

your side is further proof of your antiterrorist sentiment.


The British Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists

and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.

 

[gunhilltrain]

So this is how they got King Kong from the ship to that New York theater in those three film versions. It's not that difficult. Just knock him out with massive amounts of animal tranquilizers, put a tarp over him, and tow him over there on a couple of trailers lined up side by side. The NYPD will even help you. Who's going to notice that?

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.

"No I did not," the doctor said.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

 

[Handley_Page]

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.



Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy

 

[jehoram]

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.



Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy

Poetry always makes me break up.

Here's one to have ready in a few weeks:

"Hooray, hooray, it's the first of May!
Outdoor fucking starts today!"

 

[Zootonius]

Why do French business men keep five accounting books?

One for his wife,
One for his mistress,
One for his business partner,
One for the tax man,
And one for himself.

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”

 

[Handley_Page]

Things are bad at home.

She says she's sick of me!

Football, Rugby,Cricket, always Sport on the Telly.

Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.

By 9 o clock things were 10 times worse!!











She hadn't potted a single red........

 

[intim8]

She hadn't potted a single red........

I'm not at all a sports fan, but snooker, yeah. Too bad it is all but impossible to get current stuff here in the states.

 

[intim8]

"On TV, it's OK to prick your finger, but dooon't finger your prick" - George Carlin

 

[Handley_Page]

INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER

As curry fans, I am sure you will enjoy this one. Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry.
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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