Mine doesn’t always work….

[cookiecat]

Saw my Doc this afternoon and learned "hands on" to stick a needle in my dick. We started with a lowest dose of TriMix and once I get the script filled and pics up the injection tools I'll start increasing the dose a little each time until the right amount is reached. Wife went along and is rather excited about what this process might hold for us.

More info and things develop. As always, your insight is welcome.

Shank is The Man. I love that you share this. Thank you.

Curious on developments?

 

[Farawyn]

Thanks.

The maybe not like before struck me. In the past I would've said I was a physical masochist. Now, those harder things do not appeal. I find myself going in to the Spread Everything thread and saying "no no no" to a lot of images I would've swooned over in the past.

Emotional masochism, emotional humiliation is appealing. I'm wondering why that is?

Anyways, thank you.

Punishment?
For being healthy while he is not?
I would love to work with caregivers. It's PTSD in a way, but I don't know if it's called that.

 

[Shankara20]

I admire your openness and generosity in sharing this journey. Thank you.

Thanks - if it helps other to see they rant the only one dealing with this stuff I'm glad to help.

Btw, sticking needles in your cock under medical supervision is kinda groovy.

It was so different than the several times years ago in San Francisco I was Ma'am's live-model for her CBT education programs. *sigh*

 

[Shankara20]

Has anyone ever been in this situation? Am I just tired? Will I get over this??

Give it time, my sweet friend. You are sexy and loving and funny and smart.
You will find another way, someday. Maybe not like before, but you will. I'm certain of it.

"Give it time" is what comes to my mind as well. The biology stuff you are dealing with now is not anything I have ever dealt with, but I expect in time that can be normalized somewhat - compartmentalized in any case. Refraining the sexual stuff is its own adventure, not easy or altogether fun. I have redone my sexual identity so many goddamn times I'm not sure who I am, and it have complicated my sexual relationships each and every time I've opened up to someone new to love. Fucking/sucking a stranger is one thing, breaking down and sobbing while trying to make love for the first time with with someone you care for is something altogether. It is hard work, this relationship stuff.

As someone who has done counseling work at hospitals with rape victims in the past I know a bit about caregiver burn out. Are you finding some support as you give so deepen to Mr.?

 

[Shankara20]

Curious on developments?

Update soon...

 

[Farawyn]

"Give it time" is what comes to my mind as well. The biology stuff you are dealing with now is not anything I have ever dealt with, but I expect in time that can be normalized somewhat - compartmentalized in any case. Refraining the sexual stuff is its own adventure, not easy or altogether fun. I have redone my sexual identity so many goddamn times I'm not sure who I am, and it have complicated my sexual relationships each and every time I've opened up to someone new to love. Fucking/sucking a stranger is one thing, breaking down and sobbing while trying to make love for the first time with with someone you care for is something altogether. It is hard work, this relationship stuff.

As someone who has done counseling work at hospitals with rape victims in the past I know a bit about caregiver burn out. Are you finding some support as you give so deepen to Mr.?

 

[Bramblethorn]

The thought of ever being with someone else squicks me out. Not because I'll be forever loyal to the idea of mr. cookie. I've been loyal to him through all of this. I'll continue to choose NOT to fuck around as long as he's here with me. That is worthy of a whole 'nother thread... maybe if I did engage in some fuckery, some physical contact, I'd be over this?? That, however, is not my question. It's easier to be really black and white about that choice.

I've always assumed at some point, after mr. cookie is gone I'd jump back in to the penis/vagina fuck pool. Lately, though, the thought of exchanging blood sweat tears and fluids sends me in to a dry heave. I make the same face thinking of fucking as I do when I taste brussel sprouts.

I'm solidly atheist but there's a lot of wisdom in Matthew 6:34: "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof". In more modern language: there's enough shit in your life now without taking on all the troubles that haven't arrived yet, including the imagined ones that may not even come to pass.

Yeah, some day in the future you will have to figure out another chapter of your life. But when that day comes, you will be better armed for it than you are now. Allow yourself to not have a plan for this issue right now.

edit: I don't know if this is helpful to you, but one thing I found very important dealing with my mother's death was to understand that it is okay sometimes to think "life will be simpler after she dies". It's not a betrayal, it doesn't mean I wanted it to happen; god, it's been more than a decade and I still have moments of "I wish I could tell her this". But caring is complex and chews up a lot of mental resources, and it's okay to acknowledge that in the next chapter of things, you will get some of those resources back. *flails for words* *hopes that makes some kind of sense and doesn't sound terrible*

 

[twister947]

^^^It makes perfect sense. Beautiful.

 

[cookiecat]

<snip>

In more modern language: there's enough shit in your life now without taking on all the troubles that haven't arrived yet, including the imagined ones that may not even come to pass.

<snip>

This is (and always has been) a gigantic issue. As if I can pre-plan every awful outcome so just in case it comes up, I'll be ready. Trying NOT to think this way is a huge work in progress.

You've all given me a lot to ponder. I'll check back once I've twirled all this around but I wanted to say thanks.

 

[Shankara20]

Injections are painful. I dated someone several years ago who injected his penis in order to maintain an erection. Penetration was a good thing, it took him some time to orgasm. But once he did, it was painful for him. Penis was uber sensitive and his erection wouldn't go away. You'd think that would be a good thing! It was annoying for both of us -- painful for him, sad for me because he got pretty cranky.

I'm wondering if his pain was caused by muscle atrophy that was stretched by the drugs. They have me using the pump several times a week without adding the constriction band needed to hold an erection as a sort of physical therapy to keep my dick muscles from atrophying and causing permanent muscle loss, aka "smaller dick" . I stoped using the pump for about two months and it was painful at first once I stated again.

Also, his dosage might have been more than needed causing his extended time-wise erection. I'm just guessing out here in the dark, what the hell do I know.

 

[Shankara20]

Curious on developments?

On a scale of ** to
**

the first injection was a * + 1/2* done at the Dr. office setting the baseline for dosage @ .1ml

To find a "workable" dose I can try every 3 days with an increased dosage of .05ml in each step

second injection (today) of .15ml was * + 1/2* - not enough to go in anywhere useful, but on the way.

It felt like I was welcoming an old friend home again. Not fully back, but more then I seen/felt in over 20 months.

There was a little muscle discomfort but my post before this one might explain why. After about 45 min the effect was noticeably diminishing.

Next try in several days.

 

[Farawyn]

Old Friend.

 

[Shankara20]

Old Friend.

Got both right

"Old" and "Friend"

 

[Bramblethorn]

On a scale of ** to
**

This needs to be an Official Medical Scale. They should name it for you.

 

[cookiecat]

"Give it time" is what comes to my mind as well. The biology stuff you are dealing with now is not anything I have ever dealt with, but I expect in time that can be normalized somewhat - compartmentalized in any case.

Time. It's so elusive right now. This whole limbo thing. But yeah - time heals all things. That's the advice I want to give Bunny in her thread. I need to give it to myself.

Refraining the sexual stuff is its own adventure, not easy or altogether fun. I have redone my sexual identity so many goddamn times I'm not sure who I am, and it have complicated my sexual relationships each and every time I've opened up to someone new to love. Fucking/sucking a stranger is one thing, breaking down and sobbing while trying to make love for the first time with with someone you care for is something altogether. It is hard work, this relationship stuff.

Hmmm. My own form of denial? Maybe I could use that to my advantage in some weird way. Long term, self-imposed chastity.

The walls I'm building to NOT feel are growing pretty thick. I'm keeping the bricks a little uneven, hoping a few rays of light will shine through at some point. Plus, Farawyn promised to hang out, probably in a kayak in the moat, ready to throw in a lifeline if needed. I have good friends here and in the real world so that helps. Engaging in anything right now feels hard.

As someone who has done counseling work at hospitals with rape victims in the past I know a bit about caregiver burn out. Are you finding some support as you give so deepen to Mr.?

A little bit, yes. That's wavering at the moment, but yes.

I'm solidly atheist but there's a lot of wisdom in Matthew 6:34: "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof". In more modern language: there's enough shit in your life now without taking on all the troubles that haven't arrived yet, including the imagined ones that may not even come to pass.

Yeah, some day in the future you will have to figure out another chapter of your life. But when that day comes, you will be better armed for it than you are now. Allow yourself to not have a plan for this issue right now.

Time stands still in many ways, right now. A few positive things are coming out of this experience; one of them is the ability to really be present in the now. Super cliche, I know, but it's created a new level of intimacy with people in my life. My time is short with mr. cookie - I put down the phone. We turn off the tv. We just sit and I hold his hand. That gives me a lot of peace and a sense of connection. Much like the intimacy having sex gave us.

That's an interesting way to think - that I will be better armed for my future. My emotional tool belt is fucking amazing! Thanks for reminding me of this.

edit: I don't know if this is helpful to you, but one thing I found very important dealing with my mother's death was to understand that it is okay sometimes to think "life will be simpler after she dies". It's not a betrayal, it doesn't mean I wanted it to happen; god, it's been more than a decade and I still have moments of "I wish I could tell her this". But caring is complex and chews up a lot of mental resources, and it's okay to acknowledge that in the next chapter of things, you will get some of those resources back. *flails for words* *hopes that makes some kind of sense and doesn't sound terrible*

No flailing. It make a ton of sense.

^^^It makes perfect sense. Beautiful.

Yes! It does.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm wondering if his pain was caused by muscle atrophy that was stretched by the drugs. They have me using the pump several times a week without adding the constriction band needed to hold an erection as a sort of physical therapy to keep my dick muscles from atrophying and causing permanent muscle loss, aka "smaller dick" . I stoped using the pump for about two months and it was painful at first once I stated again.

Also, his dosage might have been more than needed causing his extended time-wise erection. I'm just guessing out here in the dark, what the hell do I know.

Dick technology seems to have come a long way in the last 10 years.

He just shoved a needle in his penis. The added steps you describe seem like it would've helped.

 

[cookiecat]

On a scale of ** to
**

This needs to be an Official Medical Scale. They should name it for you.

The Shank Scale. This needs to be a measurement system for EVERYTHING!


ps - Two and a half bananas! Positive penis news! It's good to hear.

 

[Shankara20]

ps - Two and a half bananas! Positive penis news! It's good to hear.

Today's test drive resulted in * 1/2 +- *

Wife stated "we have made do with a lot less"

 

[twister947]

Today's test drive resulted in * 1/2 +- *

Wife stated "we have made do with a lot less"

Faint praise is still praise!

 

[Bramblethorn]

Today's test drive resulted in * 1/2 +- *

This song is for you, Shank: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yqAaejuRn8

 

[Shankara20]

Faint praise is still praise!

yes indeed

 

[Shankara20]

This song is for you, Shank: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yqAaejuRn8

Well this makes my day...

 

[yukonnights]

Thanks.

The maybe not like before struck me. In the past I would've said I was a physical masochist. Now, those harder things do not appeal. I find myself going in to the Spread Everything thread and saying "no no no" to a lot of images I would've swooned over in the past.

Emotional masochism, emotional humiliation is appealing. I'm wondering why that is?

Anyways, thank you.

I just stumbled upon this thread for the first time tonight. It has been an interesting read.

We're all just human creatures with flaws and weaknesses. If we don't have any of those, we will at some point. In response to your question about why; It is often mentioned in D/s conversations about how often folks who are "in charge" or in a position of authority crave the freedom of being submissive during play time. In looking at your situation from the outside, I would say that you are that person "in charge" at this moment in your life. Perhaps it's just the stress of shouldering so much responsibility that; 1. Makes you shun physical exertion like wild sex can require (your worn down, my friend)...and 2. You are like a CEO who just craves a moment to be mentally free of all the decisions and worries of managing this situation...you need someone else to take charge for a moments rest.

My diagnosis is that this will pass in time as the pressures peak and ease. Be kind and gentle to yourself in the meantime. Even in the midst of great hardship there is peace and beauty in the small moments...shrink your outlook...force time to be only this moment and see what wonder, beauty and blessings can be found nearby when you feel pressed to the point of breaking... remember that all things pass and Love is ever present to see us through.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

This is a great thread. You guys are awesome.

and and

 

[Shankara20]

Yesterday upped the dose to .25mg and achieved *1/2* - a fully workable member.

An hour after the injection I had lost most of the firmness so tried a porn-supported wank and boy-oh-boy was there ever a great increase in firmness in response. Am looking forward to taking this for a test drive with Wife. Hopefully I'll be able to achieve an orgasm while making love with her in time.

Still want to try one more increase just of the hell of it.

I have noticed a real improvement in my general mood since the first trip to the MD for training. Having a return of a more-or-less "natural feeling" erection may have lifted a bit of my depression.