M subs and F dommes--anybody treading the line b/w fantasy & psychological trauma?
Howdy all,
I'd welcome perspectives from anyone who has something to offer, although this is a particular situation that applies to the female dominant/male submissive roles so if that sounds like you, please speak up!
I've always been bisexual, and I've always been kinky, and I've always been happy to do whatever floats my boat or my partner's in bed. I lean toward the submissive side with men and a bit more dominant in bed with women, although to be honest there's nothing like a good power fuck where both parties are tossing each other about the furniture with equal happy fury. (Amirite?)
My newly-wedded partner and I have been kinking it out for nearly two years prior to our handfasting and nuptials. He's a gorgeous masculine male, what I would call bi-curious, who can be deliciously aggressive in bed when the occasion calls for it. He's also got a more feminine side, which I love--it's not just the housework he happily plows into; it's the cross-dressing for an occasional party night (when you're six and a half feet tall English punk with a face full of metal, nobody bothers you if you flounce out in a frock and steel-toed boots). And then there's the submissive streak, which is at least a mile wide and why I'm writing this...so if you're still reading, here's the tricky part:
I've never thought of myself as a dominant, although in the past year or so I'd say our play has largely taken on that shading. At first I was a bit disappointed, thinking "Okay, I'll tie you up and do XYZ, but when am I going to get my turn?" Over time it seemed like although darling hubbie (wifey? hubbie-wife?) is fine with all the toys and kink one can throw into bed, he may need help with some of the more subtle arts of dominating someone. Since I knew a bit more about this, I slid into the role rather naturally although I've always been plagued by concerns--OKAY ACTUALLY HERE IS THE TRICKY PART:
Although I'd never demand details, I do know that there is history of some sort of abuse in his background. It may be brief, it may be protracted, it may have been physical or sexual--I have my suspicions and have always let him know it's an open door to talk about, but as a survivor myself I know there's a time and a place for these things to be discussed and he hasn't found that yet with me. Well and good. But the signs are there, and when I find myself wielding a crop and watch him shudder I actually forget that I'm supposed to be enjoying this because it turns him on. Instead the fear creeps in and I start wondering...how much of this is actually emotionally healthy? (As opposed to, I don't know, a shrink. Or a yoga class.)
Subjectivity aside, I'm fine with the concept of him working out some complex issues through the pain, pleasure, and release that comes from submission. I mean, fuck it, we all need that sometimes. My concern stems rather from the idea that I might be making it worse, and really, that I'm not doing it right or that we shouldn't even be entering into this sort of stuff without a certificate of Emotional Wholesomeness or other such bollocks. The phrase 'fake it till you make it' has served me well in the past, but when it comes to trying to find my way into a Domme personality that fits I'm ultimately a compassionate neurotic wreck torn between the enjoyment of being a little bit sadistic (which he clearly loves) and worrying that there are unresolved psychological issues that may cause heartbreak down the line.
Now don't go lecturing on about the need for better communication--that's tedious. We communicate all the time, and have done about the subject as much as is possible given his understandable inability/fear to broach the topic. And yeah, i could do something like say 'I don't want to whip you all over the place until you've sorted out XYZ in your head' but that's a HORRIBLE idea. A brilliant way to make someone think they've failed when actually they've done nothing wrong. (And really, it has occurred to me that being spanked might be the closest thing to a therapy session he's ever had.)
[[I'll tell you what brought this question on, so nobody feels like they've read all this without something to have a bit of a wank to. A couple of nights ago we gleefully dumped the toy bag on the bed and proceeding to grab the things we wanted to use, my amazing strap-on and gorgeous embroidered red harness being one of them. This wasn't a specific play session with D/S boundaries, by the way--just sex. Wedding night sex to be exact. After some fantastic romping around which included him fucking me in my pussy with both a dildo and his lovely cock at the same time, it was clear the strap-on was due for some use. I wanted to take time to loosen him up and tease him, but he was so eager for it that after I'd used only one finger for a few minutes, he lubed up my dick and more or less started impaling himself on it. Great stuff, and it all would have been gravy had I been confident that his ass was actually ready to take it--we hadn't done anything with butt toys for a couple of months and that shit's obviously not like riding a bike, it needs to be done slowly and properly every time unless it's a very frequent thing. But no matter, he's happily raping himself on my strap-on despite my vocal reservations. Eventually I get uncomfortable enough to want to stop it, but he's already used himself so roughly that we break away of silent, mutual accord to move onto something else.
Next day I wrote him an email about safety, wanting to do kinky stuff for a long time, and the need to make sure it's done right etc. I couched this in some discipline/humiliation stuff and gave him a paddling to remember when he came home, then made him lube up all of our butt toys on hands and knees and hold them between his cheeks while I lamented the fact that he was too sore and damaged to be penetrated by any of them. And true to my word, although I'm sure we both would have really enjoyed it, I didn't do a single other ass thing for the entire evening--as much to let him recover as to teach him the lesson of Don't Be an Anal Sex Idiot.
It was during the discipline--specifically, the harsh paddling--that I asked myself: what the fuck is really going on here?]]
If you've made it this far, you win a prize! Pat yourself on the back for being either far too patient or having far too much time on your hands. But if you've a male sub who's had some personal experience of abuse and can offer perspective, or a female domme who's found herself in a similar situation and can shed light on whether or not This Shit is Kosher, please do speak up.
And thanks in advance.
Claire
Howdy all,
I'd welcome perspectives from anyone who has something to offer, although this is a particular situation that applies to the female dominant/male submissive roles so if that sounds like you, please speak up!
I've always been bisexual, and I've always been kinky, and I've always been happy to do whatever floats my boat or my partner's in bed. I lean toward the submissive side with men and a bit more dominant in bed with women, although to be honest there's nothing like a good power fuck where both parties are tossing each other about the furniture with equal happy fury. (Amirite?)
My newly-wedded partner and I have been kinking it out for nearly two years prior to our handfasting and nuptials. He's a gorgeous masculine male, what I would call bi-curious, who can be deliciously aggressive in bed when the occasion calls for it. He's also got a more feminine side, which I love--it's not just the housework he happily plows into; it's the cross-dressing for an occasional party night (when you're six and a half feet tall English punk with a face full of metal, nobody bothers you if you flounce out in a frock and steel-toed boots). And then there's the submissive streak, which is at least a mile wide and why I'm writing this...so if you're still reading, here's the tricky part:
I've never thought of myself as a dominant, although in the past year or so I'd say our play has largely taken on that shading. At first I was a bit disappointed, thinking "Okay, I'll tie you up and do XYZ, but when am I going to get my turn?" Over time it seemed like although darling hubbie (wifey? hubbie-wife?) is fine with all the toys and kink one can throw into bed, he may need help with some of the more subtle arts of dominating someone. Since I knew a bit more about this, I slid into the role rather naturally although I've always been plagued by concerns--OKAY ACTUALLY HERE IS THE TRICKY PART:
Although I'd never demand details, I do know that there is history of some sort of abuse in his background. It may be brief, it may be protracted, it may have been physical or sexual--I have my suspicions and have always let him know it's an open door to talk about, but as a survivor myself I know there's a time and a place for these things to be discussed and he hasn't found that yet with me. Well and good. But the signs are there, and when I find myself wielding a crop and watch him shudder I actually forget that I'm supposed to be enjoying this because it turns him on. Instead the fear creeps in and I start wondering...how much of this is actually emotionally healthy? (As opposed to, I don't know, a shrink. Or a yoga class.)
Subjectivity aside, I'm fine with the concept of him working out some complex issues through the pain, pleasure, and release that comes from submission. I mean, fuck it, we all need that sometimes. My concern stems rather from the idea that I might be making it worse, and really, that I'm not doing it right or that we shouldn't even be entering into this sort of stuff without a certificate of Emotional Wholesomeness or other such bollocks. The phrase 'fake it till you make it' has served me well in the past, but when it comes to trying to find my way into a Domme personality that fits I'm ultimately a compassionate neurotic wreck torn between the enjoyment of being a little bit sadistic (which he clearly loves) and worrying that there are unresolved psychological issues that may cause heartbreak down the line.
Now don't go lecturing on about the need for better communication--that's tedious. We communicate all the time, and have done about the subject as much as is possible given his understandable inability/fear to broach the topic. And yeah, i could do something like say 'I don't want to whip you all over the place until you've sorted out XYZ in your head' but that's a HORRIBLE idea. A brilliant way to make someone think they've failed when actually they've done nothing wrong. (And really, it has occurred to me that being spanked might be the closest thing to a therapy session he's ever had.)
[[I'll tell you what brought this question on, so nobody feels like they've read all this without something to have a bit of a wank to. A couple of nights ago we gleefully dumped the toy bag on the bed and proceeding to grab the things we wanted to use, my amazing strap-on and gorgeous embroidered red harness being one of them. This wasn't a specific play session with D/S boundaries, by the way--just sex. Wedding night sex to be exact. After some fantastic romping around which included him fucking me in my pussy with both a dildo and his lovely cock at the same time, it was clear the strap-on was due for some use. I wanted to take time to loosen him up and tease him, but he was so eager for it that after I'd used only one finger for a few minutes, he lubed up my dick and more or less started impaling himself on it. Great stuff, and it all would have been gravy had I been confident that his ass was actually ready to take it--we hadn't done anything with butt toys for a couple of months and that shit's obviously not like riding a bike, it needs to be done slowly and properly every time unless it's a very frequent thing. But no matter, he's happily raping himself on my strap-on despite my vocal reservations. Eventually I get uncomfortable enough to want to stop it, but he's already used himself so roughly that we break away of silent, mutual accord to move onto something else.
Next day I wrote him an email about safety, wanting to do kinky stuff for a long time, and the need to make sure it's done right etc. I couched this in some discipline/humiliation stuff and gave him a paddling to remember when he came home, then made him lube up all of our butt toys on hands and knees and hold them between his cheeks while I lamented the fact that he was too sore and damaged to be penetrated by any of them. And true to my word, although I'm sure we both would have really enjoyed it, I didn't do a single other ass thing for the entire evening--as much to let him recover as to teach him the lesson of Don't Be an Anal Sex Idiot.
It was during the discipline--specifically, the harsh paddling--that I asked myself: what the fuck is really going on here?]]
If you've made it this far, you win a prize! Pat yourself on the back for being either far too patient or having far too much time on your hands. But if you've a male sub who's had some personal experience of abuse and can offer perspective, or a female domme who's found herself in a similar situation and can shed light on whether or not This Shit is Kosher, please do speak up.
And thanks in advance.
Claire
