Insecurities related to girlfriends past d/s

[KimGordon67]

Generally: Mild, moderate, severe, panic level. But this is too vast subject explain here.

It's a pretty unhelpful categorisation. Obviously some levels of anxiety are more in need of intervention (medical, therapy, etc) than others. And I'd be pretty sceptical that that's a figure based on actual diagnosis.

 

[MeekMe]

One suffering from anxiety, depression or self harm tendencies would actually be very well served by a relationship full of trust, open communication and acceptance with a Dominant who can serve as a rock in turbulence of the world.

What happens if the dominant partner has a depression or anxiety disorder?

 

[Primalex]

Various studies indicate that 1 in 12 to 1 in 10 women suffer from some level of anxiety.

Even if health services were capable of treating such large number, and they are not, only minority of them are actually in the category which can be treated.

Majority can only develop coping strategies. So your reference to then being bettered served by a professional is not very helpful and based on false assumption.

The Anxiety And Depression Association of America disagrees with you. Now what?

It is medically proven that having high quality relationship is very beneficial to those who suffer from anxiety.

Source?

Well again I disagree. To me Dominant seeks to exchange power with submissive. While you can dominate people with force, exchange of power can only be willing.

Despite the fact that you mix up two completely different things as nobody ever mentioned force, how about this deal:

I don't tell you how it feels to bleed out of a vagina and you don't tell me anything about dominance as personality trait.

I am of a view that Dominant can provide stability and confidence to the submissive and therefore help with causes NOT symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Okay, you really have no clue what you are talking about.
Stressful or problematic situations do not cause depressions. Depressions cause situations to become unbearable that would not be unbearable without the depression - if at all, because most depressions actually result in a "Meh, I don't care, why bother living?" mood, instead of a "*cry cry* Life is mean" mood. That's the whole point of the illness. "My depressions will go away when I lead a better life" is a perception error - in reality the life does not become better, the same situations are perceived as better because the depression is gone.

Not to mention that you are insulting every family member who actually has lost someone to this illness - if your statement would be true, the consequence would be that they didn't provide the proper stability and confidence for their family member and are therefore to blame for it.

Go away, you make me sick.

 

[KimGordon67]

The Anxiety And Depression Association of America disagrees with you. Now what?



Source?




Despite the fact that you mix up two completely different things as nobody ever mentioned force, how about this deal:

I don't tell you how it feels to bleed out of a vagina and you don't tell me anything about dominance as personality trait.




Okay, you really have no clue what you are talking about.
Stressful or problematic situations do not cause depressions. Depressions cause situations to become unbearable that would not be unbearable without the depression - if at all, because most depressions actually result in a "Meh, I don't care, why bother living?" mood, instead of a "*cry cry* Life is mean" mood. That's the whole point of the illness. "My depressions will go away when I lead a better life" is a perception error - in reality the life does not become better, the same situations are perceived as better because the depression is gone.

Not to mention that you are insulting every family member who actually has lost someone to this illness - if your statement would be true, the consequence would be that they didn't provide the proper stability and confidence for their family member and are therefore to blame for it.

Go away, you make me sick.

I suspect DJ is confusing 'being depressed' and 'being anxious' with having depression or an anxiety disorder. It's alarming how often people do that.

 

[DivingJoy]

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[KimGordon67]

I think that we are simply talking about two different topics here and this is why we can not agree on anything.

>>> Not to mention that you are insulting every family member who actually has lost someone to this illness

I am taking about anxiety as a personality trait NOT as disorder or illness. I agree that if a particular person has an anxiety disorder there is not much Dom can do as it should be treated.

BUT not every person with anxiety has an anxiety disorder. If it is not a disorder how can it be treated?

Your view of anxiety is too sweeping while I probably was not specific enough at the beginning therefore inspired your over the top response. I am sorry if I offended you it was not my intention.

Your citing of (supposed) medical research DID make it sound as thought you were talking about the disorder - most medical researchers don't bother doing research about people who are just a bit anxious.

 

[DivingJoy]

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[KayceeCharles]

Can I call a truce and get back to OP's situation?

 

[Setanta84]

Everyone has a past and--as long as that past doesn't directly impact you, e.g. "Oops, I forgot to tell you about this list of STIs I have"--you need to do what everyone else here has advised and learn to just accept that and build on what you have.

Every guy I know who has had significant trouble doing has NOT been "insecure." They've been controlling narcissistic abusers who believe that their partners' lives should be divided into two time periods, Before Me and After Me, and the BM period should be erased from memory. It's literally a tyrannical mindset.

And, frankly, the way you have phrased your problems with her past reminds me of things my ex-fiancee used to say to me about my past. It turns out she was a controlling, lying, cheating bitch who was projecting all the shit she was doing to me behind my back onto me and trying to make me feel bad about it. Don't be like her.

However, that person also happened to love to bring up her past--in abuse survivor support groups we call bringing the past or third parties into a relationship in order to corner you "triangulation"--to purposely undercut me and make me feel insecure. If that is part of what is going on here, here are some tips:

Does she make you play "detective" a lot? That is, constantly keep you in the dark about where you stand in the relationship, where she's at, or what she's doing? If yes, run.

Does she ever bring up comparisons to past partners specifically to make you feel bad? If yes, run.

Does she ever bring up worries about things she thinks you might be doing for no reason whatsoever and without reason to suspect these things? If yes, run.

The basic gist is that relationships require trust and work. If there's no trust, for whatever reason, or one of you is putting in the lion's share of the work, then it's a bad situation and you should seriously consider whether staying is right for you.

 

[DivingJoy]

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[policywank]

Hi folks,
Hope you are all well. I'm new to this board & am going to jump straight in and ask for some advice on some issues I'm having.

This is from the heart, so please bear that in mind before casting judgement .....

The problems are relating to my current relationship with my girlfriend. If possible, I really need some positive constructive advice on how I can deal with my insecurities.

Hmm, where do I start! Well, about a year back, I met a girl on a dating site. We were attracted to each other from the offset. It was quite romantic really, she really didn't think that she would see me again because she felt that she'd talked to much & was delighted when I did get in touch with her. From there things just got better and better.

After a few weeks of dating, we eventually had sex with each other which was great too!

Eventually, she told me that she was a submissive. She told me this after I asked if I could call her my girlfriend, lol. She said that it was a very long time since anyone had referred to her as a girlfriend! I was a little confused by this as although I had experience of d/s online, I had never had an official submissive girl. It was all new to me & probably appeared wet behind the ears.

Anyway, as you do, I asked more and more questions, finding out about her past. She had apparently had two relationships, both of which added up to 16 years of her life, both d/s. She had never had a valentine's card, ever in her life & her partner never bought her a birthday card. She has had cards since .

It all sounded very odd to me. Her first partner was totally emotionally unavailable as he was married, which of course raised questions about her morality. She told me that she didn't know that he was married at first & then when she found out, he told her he wasn't happy, etc. I guess one could put this down to immaturity & perhaps the excitement of it all was too good to resist!

Her second partner she was with for a long time. I think that initially he was very keen & was very dominant, probably very exciting! I suspect that she fell quickly for him & eventually she moved in with the guy after a very short period. He was away with his job a lot.

This ended up being an abusive relationship & he led a double life with someone else!

So, after all of this, pretty much straight away, she updates her page on Fetlife to say that she was looking for a relationship, looking for a play partner, etc. At the same time, she places an advert on a well know dating site. It was on this dating site where I met her!

I've since, over the last year, asked some very awkward questions of her, but I suppose I wanted to better understand why she would have put herself through all that & I guess that I fear that she liked being treated bad by men.

I am not a bad person & so couldn't treat a girl like shit, it's not in me to walk all over someone. If I didn't like them or was no longer attracted to them, I would walk away, as I have in the past.

It seems that she has an extensive d/s history. What I mean by that is she has frequented fetish clubs, private parties, munches frequently in the past. She says that she is no longer that into it like she was. I wonder if this is true.

I have had a few d/s sessions with her, some have gone very well, some a bit tepid. All in all though I do enjoy it. I've seen a side to me that I didn't know was in me.

I have spanked her really hard, leaving marks, flogged her till she had tears in her eyes, tied her up, then released her, hugged her & made love to her, all of which she has loved.

I have also pushed her do things against her will using torture which seemed to go well too.

A small issue is that she seems to be very reluctant to give me clues about what she wants. I sort of get why though. She wants it to be unexpected, she wants it to be spontaneous & exciting. I get that. It's just, it's not always easy to know what someone wants. It probably takes years before you know someone that well.

Anyway, excuse my ramblings so far...

The thing that is really getting to me is the fact that she has had such an extensive past. I mean, she & her partner have hosted private parties in their house. I mean, like 8 couples having sex throughout the house. She said that she wasn't keen on hosting because of the mess afterwards, she preferred going to other's houses. She would see a couple making out & then the guy shoot his load & think that she would have to clean it up. So, she obviously enjoys watching couples playing the d/s scenario & watching it to it's conclusion.

At the same time, she says that she didn't have sex with her partner in-front of the others. Now this may be true but I doubt it. I know she wants to explore exhibitionism & in a fetish club setting.

I guess the problem when it comes down to it is this. She told me some things near the start of the relationship & has since retracted some of it or acted disinterested in it.

I do realize that she has just been honest & probably has since withheld information for fear of my not liking it. Truth is, I love her & I don't like knowing all that stuff that happened in her past. I kind of wish I didn't know anything!

She loves me too, I know she does, not just by what she's said but by what she does for me.

I have on occasion showed my distaste about something that has happened in the past. I just can't bear to think about some of the things she's told me about.

I guess it's just because she's done all these things with someone else & had such an intense relationship yet we have done very little. Maybe I am a bit jealous & also insecure.

Just last night I expressed my displeasure at these private parties, it disgusted me, the thought of my partner being in some sort of orgy.

How do I accept her past & let it go?

She has been really good to me & I to her. We have had a very close relationship, done lots of things together, been to lots of places. We always hug & kiss, hold hands & laugh together, as a relationship should be. I help her where I can & she helps me.

You know, when she first told me that she was a submissive, I was excited & to some extent I am still very excited, excited about the whole scene & the prospects of the things we could get up to, visit clubs, watch people having d/s sex, have people watch us having sex etc., but on the other hand it makes me scared as hell too!

I do love her & I want us to have a successful relationship, have a family etc. I know she wants the same as she's said as much.

I guess it's that sentence above that makes me so insecure about the other stuff. I fear that by going down that route, there's that risk that she could take a shine to someone else, someone more dominant & leave. I also fear that by not doing some of the stuff that she used to do, she will be tempted to seek it elsewhere. I've heard of so many people that have sought d/s outside of their relationships that it has made me fear that! Too much reading of stuff on forums I guess!!!

I don't want to get married, have kids then end up breaking up, it would be gutting.

How do I sort my head out? I would really appreciate some positive advice, something constructive that I can use.

I know that I'm probably coming across as an insecure idiot, but it's a lot to take on board for a novice like me.

It should be noted that we get on 99% of the time, just that 1%!

Thanks

Don't make moral judgments on her past actions. You weren't there and you don't have the definitive guide on morality. One of the best verses in all of religion --> "let he is without sin throw the first stone." It doesn't say he who thinks her sin is worse or his sin is less bad.

Don't pursue a don't ask/don't tell approach to a personal relationship. Asking her to hide her past amounts to projecting your insecurities onto her. If she is sufficiently unashamed to share these details with you she is the strong and brave one. Never mind whether you can accept her - are you worthy of her? Do you have the stones to be as forthright as she has been? - approximately 1,000x more difficult than sitting in judgment.

She explored intimate experiences with other men - fucking, bdsm, etc. Accept it or set her free to find someone who will. She doesn't need another tool who sees her as part of his narrative. Try seeing yourself as part of her narrative or sharing it.

 

[Gwanji16]

Hmmm

I don't want to judge here, but a few things don't add up.

This guy has spanked, flogged, whipped, and tortured this poor girl (which he says went well) and he doesn't know what she likes? Huh?

And he, a novice, talking about spanking and flogging like he has done it before?

He says she's had bdsm parties in her house, but she has never fucked her boyfriend in front of anyone else?

The bullshit meter reads high with this one.

 

[Primalex]

He says she's had bdsm parties in her house, but she has never fucked her boyfriend in front of anyone else?

There are plenty of couples in clubs who don't mind to look but only play together in a lockable room all alone.

 

[MastersDelight]

There are plenty of couples in clubs who don't mind to look but only play together in a lockable room all alone.

Agreed. Also we will scene in front of others, but prefer to find a private place to fuck after.