Insecurities related to girlfriends past d/s

[KinkyGuy1]

Hi folks,
Hope you are all well. I'm new to this board & am going to jump straight in and ask for some advice on some issues I'm having.

This is from the heart, so please bear that in mind before casting judgement .....

The problems are relating to my current relationship with my girlfriend. If possible, I really need some positive constructive advice on how I can deal with my insecurities.

Hmm, where do I start! Well, about a year back, I met a girl on a dating site. We were attracted to each other from the offset. It was quite romantic really, she really didn't think that she would see me again because she felt that she'd talked to much & was delighted when I did get in touch with her. From there things just got better and better.

After a few weeks of dating, we eventually had sex with each other which was great too!

Eventually, she told me that she was a submissive. She told me this after I asked if I could call her my girlfriend, lol. She said that it was a very long time since anyone had referred to her as a girlfriend! I was a little confused by this as although I had experience of d/s online, I had never had an official submissive girl. It was all new to me & probably appeared wet behind the ears.

Anyway, as you do, I asked more and more questions, finding out about her past. She had apparently had two relationships, both of which added up to 16 years of her life, both d/s. She had never had a valentine's card, ever in her life & her partner never bought her a birthday card. She has had cards since .

It all sounded very odd to me. Her first partner was totally emotionally unavailable as he was married, which of course raised questions about her morality. She told me that she didn't know that he was married at first & then when she found out, he told her he wasn't happy, etc. I guess one could put this down to immaturity & perhaps the excitement of it all was too good to resist!

Her second partner she was with for a long time. I think that initially he was very keen & was very dominant, probably very exciting! I suspect that she fell quickly for him & eventually she moved in with the guy after a very short period. He was away with his job a lot.

This ended up being an abusive relationship & he led a double life with someone else!

So, after all of this, pretty much straight away, she updates her page on Fetlife to say that she was looking for a relationship, looking for a play partner, etc. At the same time, she places an advert on a well know dating site. It was on this dating site where I met her!

I've since, over the last year, asked some very awkward questions of her, but I suppose I wanted to better understand why she would have put herself through all that & I guess that I fear that she liked being treated bad by men.

I am not a bad person & so couldn't treat a girl like shit, it's not in me to walk all over someone. If I didn't like them or was no longer attracted to them, I would walk away, as I have in the past.

It seems that she has an extensive d/s history. What I mean by that is she has frequented fetish clubs, private parties, munches frequently in the past. She says that she is no longer that into it like she was. I wonder if this is true.

I have had a few d/s sessions with her, some have gone very well, some a bit tepid. All in all though I do enjoy it. I've seen a side to me that I didn't know was in me.

I have spanked her really hard, leaving marks, flogged her till she had tears in her eyes, tied her up, then released her, hugged her & made love to her, all of which she has loved.

I have also pushed her do things against her will using torture which seemed to go well too.

A small issue is that she seems to be very reluctant to give me clues about what she wants. I sort of get why though. She wants it to be unexpected, she wants it to be spontaneous & exciting. I get that. It's just, it's not always easy to know what someone wants. It probably takes years before you know someone that well.

Anyway, excuse my ramblings so far...

The thing that is really getting to me is the fact that she has had such an extensive past. I mean, she & her partner have hosted private parties in their house. I mean, like 8 couples having sex throughout the house. She said that she wasn't keen on hosting because of the mess afterwards, she preferred going to other's houses. She would see a couple making out & then the guy shoot his load & think that she would have to clean it up. So, she obviously enjoys watching couples playing the d/s scenario & watching it to it's conclusion.

At the same time, she says that she didn't have sex with her partner in-front of the others. Now this may be true but I doubt it. I know she wants to explore exhibitionism & in a fetish club setting.

I guess the problem when it comes down to it is this. She told me some things near the start of the relationship & has since retracted some of it or acted disinterested in it.

I do realize that she has just been honest & probably has since withheld information for fear of my not liking it. Truth is, I love her & I don't like knowing all that stuff that happened in her past. I kind of wish I didn't know anything!

She loves me too, I know she does, not just by what she's said but by what she does for me.

I have on occasion showed my distaste about something that has happened in the past. I just can't bear to think about some of the things she's told me about.

I guess it's just because she's done all these things with someone else & had such an intense relationship yet we have done very little. Maybe I am a bit jealous & also insecure.

Just last night I expressed my displeasure at these private parties, it disgusted me, the thought of my partner being in some sort of orgy.

How do I accept her past & let it go?

She has been really good to me & I to her. We have had a very close relationship, done lots of things together, been to lots of places. We always hug & kiss, hold hands & laugh together, as a relationship should be. I help her where I can & she helps me.

You know, when she first told me that she was a submissive, I was excited & to some extent I am still very excited, excited about the whole scene & the prospects of the things we could get up to, visit clubs, watch people having d/s sex, have people watch us having sex etc., but on the other hand it makes me scared as hell too!

I do love her & I want us to have a successful relationship, have a family etc. I know she wants the same as she's said as much.

I guess it's that sentence above that makes me so insecure about the other stuff. I fear that by going down that route, there's that risk that she could take a shine to someone else, someone more dominant & leave. I also fear that by not doing some of the stuff that she used to do, she will be tempted to seek it elsewhere. I've heard of so many people that have sought d/s outside of their relationships that it has made me fear that! Too much reading of stuff on forums I guess!!!

I don't want to get married, have kids then end up breaking up, it would be gutting.

How do I sort my head out? I would really appreciate some positive advice, something constructive that I can use.

I know that I'm probably coming across as an insecure idiot, but it's a lot to take on board for a novice like me.

It should be noted that we get on 99% of the time, just that 1%!

Thanks

 

[MeekMe]

I think the thing that gets me the worst is knowing that she could have done all sorts that I don't know about. She swears that she's only ever had two sexual partners, but really?

You could try believing her when she tells you things. Even if she had been with more people, what does it matter to you? Does it actually change your relationship as it is?

How do I accept her past & let it go?

You believe her and realize that her past is her past. It can't be changed. You have the present to take care of and all you can think about is what she did. Instead of worrying about all of that, focus on building a relationship now. Also, don't push her to repeat her past with you because you feel like you need to "catch up."

Take some time to learn about d/s. I can't go through and quote everything you wrote, but a lot of it just sounds unhealthy to me. Dominant =/= asshole. We've got stickies at the top of the page with links to past discussions plus links to other resources outside of Lit.

This links to discussions on dominance:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?threadid=298048

This is the link to the post with more info:
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=9495522&postcount=6

I'm sure that someone else will come along with better more detailed thoughts to help you. I'm really just giving this a boost.

 

[KinkyGuy1]

Thanks for your thoughts, I take what you say on board.

I can't argue with what you say either. I know that I'm being an arse. I'm not feeling great about it.

I made the mistake of asking too many questions & didn't like the answers. I could put all that past behind us but I don't know that I'm up for being in the scene, not yet at any rate. Perhaps I don't feel that I know her well enough yet to trust her with guys who are better at d/s. I can't hide it, it makes me feel insecure. The thing is, I'm not normally like this, it's just because I feel a bit out of my depth I suppose.

I do enjoy the d/s dynamic, just don't know why it has to involve other people. I've always had private sexual relationships in the past.

As for my not liking her past, I must be a bit old fashioned, I don't like the thought of my partner behaving like a whore before I met her. Yet, I like her behaving like a whore when she's with me. I know, I'm sounding selfish, I can see that.

 

[MeekMe]

:sigh: I'm out. Not doing the whole "behaving like a whore" bit.

 

[KinkyGuy1]

:sigh: I'm out. Not doing the whole "behaving like a whore" bit.

That choice of words could have been better, I didn't mean it in a derogatory manner, just meant her being totally sexually free. I don't know why that should make me feel insecure, trying to understand it myself.

Why does anyone get insecure, fear of being cheated on, abandonment? Possibly. I do think a lot of her & know that I have to get over this or I will bring it about ;(

I am at that age where I want a family & I know she does too, so this is a big thing for me & her.

 

[DivingJoy]

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[Blue]

Wait.
This is all a bit mangled and tough for me to interpret so correct me if I'm wrong, but your problem here isn't that you are uncertain about your compatibility, but specifically that because you don't share her sexual proclivities she might run off and find happiness elsewhere?
I guess that's understandable, but to be honest you're portraying yourself as a hyper-paranoid latent control freak.

You don't have to engage in every facet of what she wants and she's not going to leave you and run off with a dommier dom because of it. Or if she does, well she's probably not relationship material in the first place. Negotiate with each other, set boundaries and plot down things you'd be willing to try, using the fetishist clubs for example; there are different types of clubs/meetings/hook-ups/parties/etc with varying degrees of intensity and engagement. You might not be up for any, or maybe there's some you'd be alright with? I don't know and frankly neither do you until you engage with your girlfriend and explore together. If you just put your foot down at any hint of possible discomfort you're never going to broaden your pallet and find things you can both mutually enjoy.
Anecdotal example: If you'd told me four years ago that there are some people who can actually enjoy being wrapped in barbed wire and suspended by the ankles or beaten black & blue and dumped in a mud pit I'd have told you they're mentally ill and need to get on some antipsychotics. Now after being here a while I can comprehend why that would be appealing to them.
Horizons broadened, you see?

Even if you end up not being able to comfortably provide what she wants/needs and the whole run-away-with-a-dommier-dom concept becomes a potential reality, even that might have room for negotiation. Ever heard of polyamory?

Also her previous endeavours are irrelevant.
Get over it.

 

[KinkyGuy1]

Thanks for your response.

How do you mean, full disclosure?

I do like her, respect her, love her. I am just hung up on one small aspect I guess. The fear that I won't be able to be the man she wants, needs.

Every where you look online, you read stories of how doms & subs shouldn't date vanilla people ffs & I'm from a vanilla background. I guess that has stuck in my head!

I've been cheated on in the past, it wasn't pleasant. I know this doesn't mean my partner would. It's just a fear of it.

She told me a few nights back that she'd done a psychological analysis online & it came back saying she was a high functioning sociopath. Not sure why she would tell me that, lol. Sociopath's aren't known for their loyalty, lol.

I don't believe that though, she has empathy.

 

[MastersDelight]

Her past is her past. And please note calling her a whore when you're balls deep in her and she's receptive=cool. Judging her past actions and saying she acted like a whore=not cool. I don't know your number of partners, but had the shoe been on the other foot would you appreciate the judgement and distrust? Would you like her to wrinkle her nose and state "you acted like a whore"? BDSM is a very sex positive lifestyle. Meaning a woman can have all the sexual partners she likes and not be a whore/slut/skank/etc. Because it's her life and her body. Excuse me while I climb off my soap box.....

She wants to attend these events with you. That should be your first clue that she wants to explore and have these experiences with YOU. Not Domly Domerson, or, Dom Domson, or Tops Mcgee, YOU. D/s is based on communication and trust. As Con said you need to have an adult discussion, with your clothes on, and try to find each others lines and boundaries. And if you're worried about other Doms then walk tall, project that energy, watch her and let her know you're watching her. Not because you don't trust her or you don't trust them, but because she's YOURS, and everyone should know it when you walk into the room.

Edit to add...


That should tell you more about online psychological tests that it does her lol.

And everyone starts as vanilla. Kinksters just end up adding sprinkles, and chocolate, and all sorts of creams and caramels as their horizons broaden. You want to try, that's a great start, but keep an open mind and go slow. I think you'll be surprised.

 

[Blue]

Thanks for your response.

How do you mean, full disclosure?

I do like her, respect her, love her. I am just hung up on one small aspect I guess. The fear that I won't be able to be the man she wants, needs.

Every where you look online, you read stories of how doms & subs shouldn't date vanilla people ffs! I guess that has stuck in my head.

I've been cheated on in the past, it wasn't pleasant. I know this doesn't mean my partner would. It's just a fear of it.

She told me a few nights back that she'd done a psychological analysis online & it came back saying she was a high functioning sociopath. Not sure why she would tell me that, lol. Sociopath's aren't known for their loyalty, lol.

I don't believe that though, she has empathy.

Well frankly, if you're really not comfortably or sustainably compatible (e.g you're totally "vanilla" and she's desperate to be wrapped in barbed wire and suspended from the ankles), which just to be clear is not a bad thing nor something to be ashamed of, then yes you probably aren't what she needs.
It doesn't mean your pairing is doomed to fail, I just personally wouldn't bet on a coupling like that surviving. Which is all the more reason why you need to explore and negotiate together.

I also did a psychological analysis online last year, answered as truthfully as I could, and it told me I was the most psychopathic psychopath that ever did be a psychopath.
Then I read the methodology and it was so poor that it confuses symptoms of depression and/or schizo-disorders as psychopathy.
Don't trust online tests.

 

[KinkyGuy1]

Consilience,
Thanks for your response, good advice & taken on board.

I get what you are saying. When it comes to affairs of the heart, I'm scared of getting hurt. She is too.

 

[DivingJoy]

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[KinkyGuy1]

Consilience, thanks again.

You of course talk perfect sense & are making me feel a whole lot better.

We have enjoyed some d/s dynamic. I do enjoy dominating her & she has enjoyed receiving it. I am open to trying anything, just not sure about mingling with others yet.

She is reluctant to talk much about what really gets her going which in some ways has fuelled my insecurity. If she had been a bit more forthcoming then I might have felt it was what she wanted.

Truth is, I feel like I have to make all the decisions about when & what we do. There have been times when i've initiated something & it's been obvious she's not up for it. Just wish she would give me a ckue sometimes.

I know, she wants it to be spontaneous, unexpected, I get that, but I'm not a mind reader.

 

[MastersDelight]

Consilience, thanks again.

You of course talk perfect sense & are making me feel a whole lot better.

We have enjoyed some d/s dynamic. I do enjoy dominating her & she has enjoyed receiving it. I am open to trying anything, just not sure about mingling with others yet.

She is reluctant to talk much about what really gets her going which in some ways has fuelled my insecurity. If she had been a bit more forthcoming then I might have felt it was what she wanted.

Truth is, I feel like I have to make all the decisions about when & what we do. There have been times when i've initiated something & it's been obvious she's not up for it. Just wish she would give me a ckue sometimes.

I know, she wants it to be spontaneous, unexpected, I get that, but I'm not a mind reader.

You're right. She can't expect you to read her mind. But she's felt judged before by you. How can she open up about her deepest darkest wants and desires when you might feel insecure or judge her? You need to talk to her about you BOTH being open and honest, build that trust, accept her, ALL of her, and maybe she'll be more open about what she wants.

 

[KinkyGuy1]

Divingjoy, thanks again.

I will try but I get the feeling she drip feeds me information for fear of putting me off. She said as much in the early days & I think she change stories a bit because she knew I was a bit shocked by some of her past. It's like anything new you do in life, it can be challenging, but you get used to it I suppose.

 

[DivingJoy]

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[KinkyGuy1]

MastersDelight, you are right.

I hear what you are saying. How do you go on if you hear things you don't like though? Just don't do that thing I guess, lol.

 

[KinkyGuy1]

>>> I will try but I get the feeling she drip feeds me information for fear of putting me off.

Ask her to write it. She will not see your face and you will have time to process before you talk.

>>> She said as much in the early days & I think she change stories a bit because she knew I was a bit shocked by some of her past

She tries to adjust herself to suit you.

That last comment is probably true!

I will do as you suggest re getting to know what she likes. I did get her to fill out a bdsm interests list & check sheet.

Arghh, Hope I haven't put her off. Guess i've got some grovelling to do!

 

[CutieMouse]

Every where you look online, you read stories of how doms & subs shouldn't date vanilla people ffs & I'm from a vanilla background. I guess that has stuck in my head.

And then you have people like me, who ID kinky/etc, and make a decided effort to NOT look for partners in the kinky dating pool. The whole "lifestyle", "scene", public dungeon attending, put munches in iCal (highlighted in red!) types bore me to tears.

The rest deserves attention; I'll hopefully get back to it this evening.

 

[DivingJoy]

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[MastersDelight]

MastersDelight, you are right.

I hear what you are saying. How do you go on if you hear things you don't like though? Just don't do that thing I guess, lol.

You mean like if she says she likes something that doesn't appeal to you or totally puts you off? You're allowed to have limits too, just like her. Example:

She really really likes getting pissed on. It's something you two have never done. You ask her why, she explains as best as she can. You decide you'll think about it but you're not sure. After a few days you both revisit. You've decided to try it once. You try it, you didn't get much out of it but she loved it. At that point you decide if you'll continue because she really likes it, or that you make it a hard limit because you didn't get anything out of it. Or something in between, like only occasionally.


Example 2: She says she likes being cut and blood play. You are absolutely not comfortable with that. She explains her reasoning. You hold firm that you don't want to do that. It becomes a hard limit.

As your relationship continues there's things you may find unpleasant at first and have no interest in doing, but later you become more curious to try. In the beginning though, it's a good idea to have your limits mapped out so you both know where you stand in your kinks.

 

[KinkyGuy1]

>I am not sure you get bdsm, Dom and grovelling - not happening

OK, taken on board .

>What you might do instead is practice some multiple >orgasms with her. Say spend 4-5 hours making her come >again and again.

I'm not sure she would want to go that long but I have told her I'm going to tie her up this weekend. I told her she had to say how hard she wanted to be flogged /spanked & if she didn't tell me before saturday, I would spank her very hard, leave marks.

>One other piece of advice: every time she tells you >something about her past, or writes about it, even if you do >not like it - make sure you thank her for sharing and express >an interest in learning more.[/QUOTE]

That might make her more inclined to open up I guess .

Thanks

 

[DivingJoy]

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[CutieMouse]

I'm starting to think that you're more interested in tilting at windmills (finding reasons to panic) than work on building a healthy D/s relationship.

 

[KinkyGuy1]

MastersDelight, good advice! I've have to print these responses off. Might help me straighten my head out if I start getting uncomfortable with things. At least I can give a level headed response.

I guess it's not the done thing for a dom to show insecurity, lol.