I met her on the internet.

onin2

Virgin
Joined
Sep 18, 2007
Posts
2
We have been acquainted for a period of time. We enjoy and look forward to our time spent chatting online. Chatting online we have revealed our personal thoughts on so many topics both serious and playful. I find this to be an extremely sensual quality of yours. It’s an opening up that strengthens our friendship. I smile at times when you seem to be so shy about what it is you want to express and when you finally say these things you appear so sexy to me.

You tell me in one our chats that you will be traveling alone up to my area. I am so pleased because we both agree to finally meet. At my urging you agree to let me pick you up at the airport and give you a ride to the hotel you will be staying at for the next two days.

The day arrives that I will be picking you up. To my surprise I am not the least bit nervous. I feel that I know you so well. As I park my car, my anticipation is growing. My thoughts of you become intoxicating. I check the arrivals and see that your flight is on time.

I see you on the jet way as you depart the plane. You are so much more beautiful than your pictures. As you get into the lobby area we recognize each other immediately. As you approach me I reach out my hand to give you a red rose that I brought for you. You take the rose from my hand and pull me close to you in a warm and inviting embrace. Your fragrance arouses my senses but I fight off the sensual desire that I am feeling. Your hair smells wonderful. The fragrance on the nape of you neck is arousing. One thing that I cannot hide is the tension that is building beneath my clothes. As we are hugging one another I can feel my hard cock pressing up against your leg. I know you can feel the same sensation because as we part from our embrace, you have a very coy and erotic smile and gleam in your eyes.

We decide that we should go and get your luggage and we start in that direction. We are chatting like lifelong friends. I cannot help but try to visualize what your thoughts were as we were embracing one another just moments ago. And at this moment I feel that you are every bit as aroused as I am. I want to hurry the moments until we arrive at your room but I patiently think, soon enough we will know. We quickly claim your luggage and head off to my car.

I ask you if you are hungry and you state that you are. But you also mention that you would like to freshen up some so we head straight for your hotel. I know the name of your hotel and I mention that you have made a good choice. As you are checking in I am standing off in the near distance. I want to do this because doing so gives me a nice look at you. From my visual point I see an extremely sexy woman. Your back is nice and as my eyes flow downward I see a most incredible ass. Firm and round. My cock is once again hard and straining at the shorts that I am wearing. I fear that if you were to turn around right now, I would have to try to hide my arousal. I walk up behind you to get along your side and I once again brush up against you. My aroused cock brushes up against you only this time I felt you move into me. At this point I have lost all common sense and I am starting to think with my “little head”. I see what room the hotel will be giving you and I ask that they upgrade you to a room with a Jacuzzi and a view. Without hesitation they accommodate us and do not ask for anything extra. I have to admit that the hotel was in on this because I had special intentions and some special items waiting for you.

During the elevator ride up to your room we stood very close to one another. We could feel the physical heat of our bodies and the sexual energy that was present. As the doors to the elevator open, we step out into the hallway quickly locate your room.

Once inside you mention that you would like to take a nice long hot shower. You playfully say to me that you would like for me to stay until you have finished and then we could go grab a bite to eat. I’m thinking of what I really want to grab and eat. All I can think of is Joanie. I hear the shower start up and I walk over to the CD player I brought. I put in a CD of soft jazz and I start to walk towards the bathroom where you are taking your shower.

As I start to remove my clothing I cannot help but wonder what you may think. I eagerly reach for the shower door and open it to find you naked and wet waiting for me and you take my hand pulling me in and teasingly say “What took you so long?” We are now entangled under the warm water that streams down on our naked bodies.

I cannot take my eyes off of your beautiful wet face. Your eyes are glowing and your full lips invite our first kiss. The water from the shower is making our first kiss extremely passionate. Your mouth opens and invites my tongue to explore with yours. I can feel your quickening breath as we probe each other deeper and deeper with our tongues. My right hand releases from your face and comes to rest on your breast. I can feel your large stiff nipple against the palm of my hand. I gently roll your nipple between my thumb and finger and I hear a strong moan come from within you. With my left hand I move on down your back. As I am exploring every inch of your gorgeous frame my hand comes to rest on your ass. You clench your firm round beautiful ass in anticipation of whatever is next. I grab and clutch at you and you wrap one leg around mine. My rigid cock is pushing against your leg and you lean into it to feel the hardness and it makes you want to reach down to caress my cock.

Even in the shower and with all the water on us you can feel some of my pre-cum seeping from my cock. My manhood and balls are so heavy with desire but I know that I have other things in mind for you first. You take your index finger and clean the drop of pre-cum and gently lick your finger as you gaze into my eyes. We kiss long and deep until your knees are weak and I temptingly say “Are you ready for more?.” You nod approvingly and I scoop you up in my arms and cradle you carrying you to the bed. As I lay you down your lips part with a sexy moan of approval.

I take a towel and gently dry you off, starting with your sensual face and moving down to your taunt stomach. From there I dry off one leg and then the other. I pay special attention to your feet and toes and massage them as I dry you off. After that I part your legs and begin to rub your sweet pussy dry. As I’m drying off your moist pussy your hips begin to move in a rhythm. I take this moment to further please you by drying off your clit and watch as it becomes enlarged. I use my thumb to rub your clit a few times and you are starting to buck your hips. As I move away from your excited pussy you want me to stop teasing you. I only look into your eyes and smile.

I get up from the bed as you are lying there. I light the scented candles I brought ahead of time. I come back towards the bed and reach over to the nightstand where you had laid the rose I gave you. I take the rose and as I lay it on your breasts and tongue both your stiff and swollen nipples. Your breath is hot and you begin to breathe heavily almost moaning. I move on down to your stomach and notice a pool of liquid in your bellybutton. I encircle your bellybutton with my tongue and lick within it. You continue to press your hips and pussy against my body, you longingly want to feel my rigid force inside of you.

As I move towards your sweet pussy you are telling me that you are so ready and please make you come. I can smell the erotic sent of your womanhood. My eyes cannot believe the beauty that is your sexy pussy. With the very tip of my tongue I part your lips from the bottom of your pussy working slowly towards the top, stopping only to penetrate your vagina. Your legs stiffen as I tongue in and out or your vagina. I use my nose to tease your clit which by now is fully exposed and willing to be used. You reach down to feel your pussy and you are amazed at how moist it is. As you explore your pussy I look at the pink inner lining. The aroma of the scented candles and your gorgeous pussy are intoxicating. Seeing you run your finger in and out of your pussy and massage your clit makes my balls heavy and ache. As I’m licking and sucking your pussy I reach up to give your dark stiff nipples some attention. I can see that you are lost with passion because your head is arched back and your eyes are shut tight!

You begin to buck your pelvis much harder and you are moving them towards me so that I am licking you much deeper. With a few more tongue licks you cry out that you are cumming. As you explode into sexual bliss I pinch both your hard nipples. There is no denying that you are lost within your passion. With your strong legs you clutch my head to keep me from moving until your body completely reaches the very peak of pleasure from this gripping orgasm. Your entire body stiffens and arches up from the bed and you scream out in a loud passionate cry. When I sense that you have relaxed a bit I release your leg grip and lick your swollen clit one more time. You shake uncontrollably and shutter and groan. I move up towards your face to kiss you and my engorged and aching cock leave more pre-cum on your heaving stomach. Again you swipe the pre-cum with your finger and lick it off. Again you look at me with that sexy and erotic look only you can do. We embrace each other’s sweaty bodies and kiss softly but deeply. I hold you tight for the next 30 minutes. Neither of us saying a word but our looking into each other eyes says it all. As I lay there, my thoughts turn to the realization that you have thoroughly enjoyed your experience so far with an intense orgasm as proof and I have experienced my first mental orgasm with a beautiful woman. And as you lay there content I am content in knowing that there is so much more yet to come.

After a much need rest period for us there is a knock at the door. You cover up in the bed and I grab a robe to answer the door. It’s Room Service with the items I have pre-ordered. I tip the Serviceman and I shut the door as he leaves. We both laugh at what he must have thought when he was in the room. After all with the candles and the erotic smell of sex in the room who wouldn’t wonder what we were doing. You get so excited about the Room Service and ask me in your own sexy way “What is it?”. I remove the cover of what is on top of the big round plate and show you that there are some large strawberries dipped in white and dark chocolate surrounded by baby white and red roses. Your smile is amazing. Then I reach down underneath the table and get the champagne that I selected. Before we begin to enjoy the items we go to the bathroom where we shower once again washing each other, our bodies sliding against each other all soapy and wet. You are so excited at this point. You seem to have rested well in that 30 minutes of cuddle time we enjoyed.

After our fun in the shower we lay on the bed naked. I pour us each a glass of chilled champagne. I tell you that I will be feeding you and giving you some champagne when you so desire. As you are lying there I tell you how beautiful you are. Your breasts are moving up and down with each quickening breath. Your dark nipples are very taunt. I slightly touch each swollen nipple and you somehow let out a giggle/moan noise. Your eyes halfway close. I tell you how warm and tight your pussy felt. I take a white covered strawberry and slowly brush it up against you full lips. You open up your mouth and take a bite. I lower my mouth to yours and probe your warm mouth with my tongue. The warmth and wetness of your mouth is making my cock rise. I release from our kiss and tell you that my cock needs some attention and you gently take hold of my shaft.

I continue to feed you more strawberries as your hand is slowly going up and down my throbbing white shaft. I look down at my cock and I see such an erotic vision, your beautiful hand covering and stroking my cock. I take a glass of champagne and let you sip from it. I take another chocolate covered strawberry and I rub it on both your nipples. Because you dark swollen nipple are so hard and warm some of the chocolate melts on each nipple. I take this moment to lick your nipples clean. With that glass of champagne I move down towards your stomach and pour a little champagne into your bellybutton. You let out a gasp because the champagne is chilled. I lower my head and use my tongue to swirl and probe it. You sigh and place both your hands on my head letting me know that you are enjoying this. I look at your gleaming pussy and I see that you are becoming extremely aroused. Your clit has begun to protrude slightly. The sight of your pink clit peeking through your sweet pussy lips makes my cock stir. I take a sip of champagne and not swallowing yet I open up your glistening pussy and begin to use my tongue first up and down your swollen pussy and then on your clit. The wetness and fizz of the champagne make you clit dance and pulse with passion. You state loudly that you do not want me to stop. It just moments after that that you yell out that you are cumming and as you entire body goes stiff with your passionate release. Your scream is so loud that you try to cover your mouth. As you finish another orgasm I am licking up your female juices that are flowing freely from your pulsating pussy. Once again I move up to hold you as you continue to shake from your orgasm. My throbbing cock is resting against your leg. Your orgasm lasts about 2 minutes and as we lay there holding onto one another I kiss your lips and forehead and hear your soft moans as you return from your shattering orgasm.

After another 30 minutes of cuddling and laughing we return to the shower to get cleaned up and finally go to lunch. We laugh at one another for being so horny and almost forgetting that we once were hungry. So we dress and head on our way………………………….
 
Hi onin2.

You may have wound up here without really being aware up what was happening, so I'll assume you were originally asking for views on a draft.

Your writing style is pretty good - paragraphs a bit long for online, but grammar etc. better than many. However - there's always a however - this is not a story. It is a pretty steamy diary account between two lovers.

By using second person (you) it become almost impossible for a third party reader to feel 'inside'. You compound this with sentences that consistently start with 'I','we',and ''you'.

Also, it is a single sex scene that doesn't try to eplain why 'I' am attracted to 'you'. That is made more difficult for me to get my head round because 'I' haven't got a cock.

I'm not being negative, I think you have the makings of a good story here - you certainly aren't bad at writing sex. To edit your draft to turn it into a story that could do well posted on the site, I would suggest the following;

- Use third party, John and Jane, so that we can feel we are the typical voyeurs as readers, and develop your characters a bit.

- Why does John fancy Jane? Is it because of her scampering, squirrelish style of IM? Has he seen a photo? Somehow explain the buzz that makes them want to meet and have sex.

- Try and create a little tension (embarrassment is tension) when they finally meet. IM sex is suddenly different when a living, breathing stud (total stranger) is standing in front of you.

I guess what I am trying to say is, you've only got the prototype of a sex story here - boy meets girl, clothes come off, Tab A and slot B engage. You need to flesh out dialogue, action and character to make us keep reading.

From the early signs, I think you can do it - good luck!
 
Yeah. What Elle said. People have names. Characters are people. "I" and "You" are not names. They are indefinate pronouns becasue they don't refer to any names.

Use third person. The problem with second person is always the same - YOU, the writer, ends up telling the story. In third person the characters can show us the story through dialogue and their own actions. Example -

I saw her pick up the rose and then she told me she liked it.

or

Gwendolyn picked up the rose. She saw me watching her and said, "I love this. Thank you."

Which you you rather read?
 
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Jenny_Jackson said:
Yeah. What Elle said. People have names. Characters are people. "I" and "You" are not names. They are indefinate pronouns becasue they don't refer to any names.

Use third person. The problem with second person is always the same - YOU, the writer, ends up telling the story. In third person the characters can show]/b] us the story through dialogue and their own actions. Example -

I saw her pick up the rose and then she told me she liked it.

or

Gwendolyn picked up the rose. She saw me watching her and said, "I love this. Thank you."

Which you you rather read?


Yoy always manage to say in six lines what I've taken 60 to say. I must be verbose (love that word).
 
elfin_odalisque said:
Yoy always manage to say in six lines what I've taken 60 to say. I must be verbose (love that word).

Yeah, but on you it looks good.

Verbosity can be very sexy.

:kiss:
 
elfin_odalisque said:
Yoy always manage to say in six lines what I've taken 60 to say. I must be verbose (love that word).
You can be as verbose as you like, Elle. :kiss:
 
Jenny_Jackson said:
You can be as verbose as you like, Elle. :kiss:

And I meant to add that I always appreciate your concise and to the point comments.

Lean and mean. Well, not necessarily mean. It's an expression. ;)
 
sweetsubsarahh said:
And I meant to add that I always appreciate your concise and to the point comments.

Lean and mean. Well, not necessarily mean. It's an expression. ;)

Understand. Got to hightail out of here but thanks to you two. I'm still not not altogether confident I should be giving opinions here, but if I step over the line, pleases tell me.
 
Jenny_Jackson said:
I saw her pick up the rose and then she told me she liked it.

or

Gwendolyn picked up the rose. She saw me watching her and said, "I love this. Thank you."

Which you you rather read?

The second certainly is better, but that's because it shows more then tells--using dialogue--rather than anything from point of view.

Both of these sentences are in first person (not second person or third person)

I saw; She saw me

Second person would be:

You see Gwendolyn pick up the rose. She sees you watching her and tells you she likes it.

Third person would be:

Stanley saw Gwendolyn pick up the rose. She saw him watching her and told him she liked it.

For erotica, I always use first person when I can--makes it very personal. Of course, a good writer can use both second person and third person to interesting effect as well.

Later: I went back and scanned the story posted at the top of the thread. Everything I saw was in first person. In second person, the "you" is the narrator talking about him/herself. The awkwardness that I saw, and indeed it was disconcerting, was the use of tense, not view. It's in present tense. That can be sustained for a short time by a really, really good writer--but not for long.
 
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