Humor Thread

[DesertPirate]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or all of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE), Complete Health And Mind Purging Anti-Guilt Negating Enzyme (CHAMPAGNE), or Bothersome Employer Elimination Remedy (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

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I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

 

[DesertPirate]

When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever you are choking on.
When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused -- I will use small words.
When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well, I don't want what you have.
When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath... I pledge it to the end.

Why? Because you are my friend.

 

[DG Hear]

Some really cool stuff Pirate, thanks for posting here. Please come back often.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed...so we're just waiting.

 

[DG Hear]

The face Lift

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"

"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

 

[TE999]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are 'snowbirds' in Texas. One day Ray sees fancy cowboy boots on sale, buys a pair and wears them home.

He walks up to Bessie and says,"Notice anything different about me?"

"Nope."

Frustrated, he goes in the bedroom, takes off his clothes and walks out wearing only his boots.

"NOW do you notice anything different about me?"

"Nope. You were hanging down yesterday, you're hanging down today, you'll be hanging down tomorrow. What's different?"

"It's looking at my new boots, dammit!"

"Shoulda bought a stetson hat, Ray."

 

[DG Hear]

Drafting Guys over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military (up until recently the age cutoff was 35). They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 second s. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so, what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his
eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

 

[DG Hear]

Grandma and her boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and
there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your
Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

 

[DG Hear]

I want to be just like Mommy!!!

This is great, made me laugh out loud.
DG


A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment:

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:



Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This picture is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

 

[DG Hear]

They Walk Among Us

'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

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Caution... They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***

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*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

 

[hotMarie]

Dg

Thank you for your post.....I needed a good laugh this morning......

Plus... the first story about the tv show contest.... you wrote the recount of the story was fantastic.... do you have any stories posted on lit

 

[DG Hear]

An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

 

[DG Hear]

10 Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say

1. I’ll swallow it all…I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?

3. I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!

4. Shouldn’t you be down at the pub with your mates?

5. That was a great fart! Do another one!

6. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.

7. You’re so sexy with a hangover.

8. I’d rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.

9. Let’s start subscribing to Penthouse.

10. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?

 

[DG Hear]

worlds funniest joke

Two hunters are in the woods one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’

The operator says, ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

There is silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, ‘Okay, now what?’


Did you find it funny?

This was considered the worlds funniest joke in 2005.

Believe me, this joke was officially adjudged the funniest of 40,000 jokes submitted from 70 countries. The study was conducted in the so-called laugh lab on the Internet, inviting entries and then securing worldwide ratings for them on a five point Giggleometer. Two million ratings came in.

 

[DG Hear]

10 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

OK here is the other list. LOL

10 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say...

1. I don't want you to suck my dick.

2. No thank you honey, I've had enough beer.

3. I'm bored. Let's go shopping!

4. Forget Viagra - I love my small cock the way it is.

5. Let's start subscribing to Vogue Magazine.

6. I Thing you look best with your clothes on.

7. Looks like you're busy. Please don't cook tonight.

8. I'm too tired for sex. How about tomorrow?

9. Have fun with your friends - I'll clean the house.

10. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my secretary?

 

[TE999]

The teacher notices little Johnny fidgeting in his seat. She calls him up to her desk and asks what's wrong.

"I was circumcised yesterday and it itches."

"Go call your mother and tell her to take you home."

Johnny leaves, then returns a few minutes later with his pecker dangling out of his fly. The class is in hysterics.

"Johnny," screams the teacher, "What on earth are are you doing?"

"Mom said if I stick it out until noon, she'll come get me."

 

[DG Hear]

A short love story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow!...................... That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. ............."Get your own fucking blanket."

Then......After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.



THE END

 

[DG Hear]

Thank you for your post.....I needed a good laugh this morning......

Plus... the first story about the tv show contest.... you wrote the recount of the story was fantastic.... do you have any stories posted on lit

Thank you for the nice comment. Just to let you know I don't write this humor stuff. I copy and past most of it that I think the readers will enjoy. As for stories, I have 180+ stories on Lit.
with respect
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Screwed up cooking

A group of cowboys were out on the range, branding some cattle. While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for the night’s meal, he slaughtered the animal and cooked it.

Later on, after dinner, all the cowboys were sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, “Did I screw up the cooking?”

“No,” the cowboy replied, “You cooked up the screwing.”

 

[DG Hear]

This is just bad!!!

A woman was waiting for her gynecologist with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor walked in and said, “Wow, that’s the biggest pussy I have ever seen. Wow, that’s the biggest pussy I have ever seen.”

“Ouch,” the woman replied, “You didn’t have to say it twice.”

“I didn’t,” he responded, “It was an echo.”

 

[DG Hear]

Yeah Right!! Haha

A father and son were at the zoo. When they came to the elephant exhibit the boy asked, “What’s tha hanging down from the elephant?”

The father replied, “That’s his penis, son.”

The boy said, “Last week Mommy told me that was nothing.”

“Well son,” the father said, “remember that your mother has been spoiled.”

 

[DG Hear]

What’s better than honor?
In ‘er.

It isn’t the lingerie, it's what you put into it….!

 

[redpaint]

Subject: Stimulus payment This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that can be explained using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? " A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money? " A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? " A. Only a smidgen.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment? " A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high- definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? " A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

 

[redpaint]

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

 

[DG Hear]

An Oldie (Reverend Fluff)

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend, embarrassed, looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.