Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

 

[SweetMaj]

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

Thanks, DG.

(I love it!!!)

 

[Handley_Page]

Two ladies at one end of the Bar, reviewing the appearance of a lone Man at the other end.

"You know", said the first one, "he looks kinda cute; I think I'd let him put his shoes under my bed."
"So go chat him up" said the second.
"I wonder if he's married?"

The second girls straightens herself up and says:
"Look into his eyes; if there's any sign of life, he's single."

 

[DG Hear]

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

 

[DG Hear]

Men Are Like

..Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

..Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

..High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

..Curling irons.
They're always hot and always in your hair.

..Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

 

[DG Hear]

Why don't men do laundry?

Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

-------------------------

The husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived. Think I will wear gold tonight."

The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?"

 

[Handley_Page]

A.D.H.D.

Because shit, lazy parenting needed a new medical term...

 

[DG Hear]

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

 

[DG Hear]

Loving on the Lawn

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

 

[Handley_Page]

Men's Rules

We Always Hear 'the Rules' From The Female Side.
Now Here Are Some Rules From The Male Side.

These Are Our Rules!
Please Note: These Are All Numbered '1' On Purpose!

1. Men Are Not Mind Readers.

1. Learn To Work The Toilet Seat.
You're A Big Girl. If It's Up, Put It Down.
We Need It Up, You Need It Down.
You Don't Hear Us Complaining About You Leaving It Down.

1. Crying Is Blackmail.

1. Ask For What You Want.
Let Us Be Clear On This One:
Subtle Hints Do Not Work!
Strong Hints Do Not Work!
Obvious Hints Do Not Work!
Just Say It!

1. Yes And No Are Perfectly Acceptable Answers To Almost Every Question..

1. Come To Us With A Problem Only If You Want Help Solving It.. That's What We Do.
Sympathy Is What Your Girlfriends Are For.

1. Anything We Said 6 Months Ago Is Inadmissible In An Argument.
In Fact, All Comments Become Null And Void After 7 Days.

1. If You Think You're Fat, You Probably Are.
Don't Ask Us

1. If Something We Said Can Be Interpreted Two Ways And One Of The Ways Makes You Sad Or Angry, We Meant The Other One

1. You Can Either Ask Us To Do Something Or Tell Us How You Want It Done.
NOT Both.
If You Already Know Best How To Do It, Just Do It Yourself.

1. Whenever Possible, Please Say Whatever You Have To Say During Commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus Did Not Need Directions And Neither Do We.

1. All Men See In Only 16 Colours, Like Windows Default Settings.
Peach, For Example, Is A Fruit, Not A Colour.
Pumpkin Is Also A Fruit.
We Have No Idea What Mauve Is

1. If It Itches, It Will Be Scratched.
We Do That.

1. If We Ask What Is Wrong And You Say "nothing" We Will Act Like Nothing's Wrong.
We Know You Are Lying , But It Is Just Not Worth The Hassle.

1. If You Ask A Question You Don't Want An Answer To, Expect An Answer You Don't Want To Hear.

1. When We Have To Go Somewhere, Absolutely Anything You Wear Is Fine... Really .

1. Thank You For Reading This.
Yes, I Know, I Have To Sleep On The Couch Tonight;
Did You Know Men Really Don't Mind That? It's Like Camping.

 

[BenLong]

OK, with 364 pages of humor, I'm not going to paw through all of them to verify, but I don't see any lawyer jokes. What good is life if we can't beat on our favorite Dewey, Fukem, and Howe, Esquires?

Ok, most of these are old and juvenile - but what the hell, gotta start somewhere.

Q: What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
A: One hundred people who don't do dick.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pincher.

Q:What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law?
A: A judge.

Q: When do you know a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q:Why did the lawyer ask for a bible on his deathbed?
A: He wanted to look for loopholes.

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An oxymoron.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: Why do scientists use lawyers for experiments instead of rats?
A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: A congressman.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between lawyer's and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: The leech stops sucking after you're dead.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he has to have a good case.

Q: What's the difference between F.Lee Bailey and a lawyer joke?
A: One is boorish rude and insensitive, the other is a joke!!

Q: Why don't lawyers sunbathe on the beach?
A: Cats keep covering them with sand.

 

[oggbashan]

1. Christopher Columbus Did Not Need Directions And Neither Do We.

He set off in the wrong direction, underestimated the distance, ended up in the wrong place, and didn't read the map.

He returned saying he had been where he intended to go.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

OK, with 364 pages of humor, I'm not going to paw through all of them to verify, but I don't see any lawyer jokes. What good is life if we can't beat on our favorite Dewey, Fukem, and Howe, Esquires?

Ok, most of these are old and juvenile - but what the hell, gotta start somewhere.

Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead snake in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: Why have scientists switched from rats to lawyers? Ver. 2
A: Let's face it, there are some things even a rat won't do.

Q: Did you hear the story about the honest lawyer?
A: Me neither. Rather telling, isn't it?

 

[DG Hear]

Tammy bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want."

Seeing the title, Doug grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.

Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Tammy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

Doug replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

 

[DG Hear]

I've always liked Little Johnny jokes. Here's a cute one.


Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"


Little Johnny and his father were driving one afternoon, when his father accidentally honked the car horn by mistake. Little Johnny looked at his dad, hoping to get an explanation.

His dad said, "I did that by accident."

Little Johnny replied, "I know you did, Dad."

He replied, "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!" Little Johnny replied.

 

[DG Hear]

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

 

[DG Hear]

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

 

[Handley_Page]

So the UK Government are going to ban internet pornography because it is 'ruining childhood'?

How about trying to download it on a 48k connection; that damn-near ruined mine.

 

[oggbashan]

So the UK Government are going to ban internet pornography because it is 'ruining childhood'?

How about trying to download it on a 48k connection; that damn-near ruined mine.

My childhood was ruined because I couldn't afford to buy "Health and Beauty", the Naturists magazine.

I had to survive on back copies of the National Geographic.

 

[DG Hear]

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

 

[DG Hear]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy."Is it a peach?"Billy asks."No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,"the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

 

[Handley_Page]

groan

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom ?

'Cos the P is silent.

 

[Handley_Page]

I recently made two grand profit on a car I sold.

My wife says, "Why don't we spend it all on one luxurious night?"

I said, "Honey, I work in finance, I warn my clients about this sort of thing all the time."

She said, "What? Enjoying their money?"

I replied, "No, listening to their wives!"