Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[Handley_Page]

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." (This guy has nailed it.)

"Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry."

"I am sorry sir, this is a non-smoking mountain." -- Broadcaster David Frost on what official told friend about to light up on skiing holiday at Aspen.

"The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct"

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." George Bernard Shaw

"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." G. Gordon Liddy

"Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries." Douglas Casey, Georgetown U. (1992)

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." Ronald Reagan (1986)

 

[Handley_Page]

You Might Be a Nurse if?


~ You avoid unhealthy looking peoples in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

~ It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.

~ You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

~ You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

~ You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.

~ You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

~ You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

~ You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.

~ You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

 

[DG Hear]

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."

The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

 

[DG Hear]

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

--------------

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

1) MENstruation
2) MENopause
3) MENtal breakdown
4) GUYnecology
5) HIMmorrhoids

 

[CarlusMagnus]

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." (This guy has nailed it.)

He hasn't quite nailed it, but he's close. He just missed the part about the mainstream media's being convinced that the end of the turd they grab never fails to be the clean end.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Or....

A woman marries a man convinced she can change him.

A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

And both are nearly ALWAYS wrong!

 

[Saxon_Hart]

A little boy and his mom are walking along the street when they come upon two dogs mating.
"What are they doing mommy?" asked the boy.
"They're making a puppy," she replied.
A few nights later the little boy walks in on his mom and dad in the missionary position.
"What are you guys doing?" he asked.
"We're making you a little brother or sister," replied his mom.
"Flip her over dad," he says. "I'd rather have a puppy."

 

[Saxon_Hart]

Teacher was asking her class to give examples of words that started with various letters of the alphabet. When she said "Letter A," Little Johnny stuck his hand up first, but knowing Johnny's propensity for foul language she chose Suzy instead.
"A is for apple."
"Good Suzy," said the teacher. "Letter B."
Again Johnny's hand shot up, so the teacher chose Tommy.
"B is for balloon."
So it went all through the alphabet. When she got to "W" she couldn't think of any dirty words that started with w.
"Ok Johnny. The letter W."
"W is for Whoom."
"Whoom? Don't you mean womb, like a mother's womb?"
"No whoom. Like the sound of two elephants fucking,
WHOOM WHOOM WHOOM!"

 

[DG Hear]

My favorite Little Johnny school/alphabet Joke is similar.

Teacher was asking her class to give examples of words that started with various letters of the alphabet. When she said "Letter A," Little Johnny stuck his hand up first, but knowing Johnny's propensity for foul language she chose Suzy instead.
"A is for apple."

"Good Suzy," said the teacher. "Letter B."
Again Johnny's hand shot up, so the teacher chose Tommy.
"B is for balloon."

For the letter 'c' Johnny's hand shot up. The teacher though for a and knew she couldn't call on Johnny. She continued on through the alphabet and came to the letter 'R'.
Little Johnny was the only student to raise his hand and he had it way up in the air for his teacher to see.

She thought for a few seconds and going through words starting with the letter 'R'. She thought for a scond and said, 'There's no dirty words that start with 'R'." She called on Johnny as she winced, "Johnny, 'R'".

Jonny stood up proudly. Speaking very loudly he responded. "R is for RAT." The teacher felt at easy and said, "That's right Johnny," smiling at him.

Johnny smiled back; held his hand a good foot apart and responded, "A Big Fucking Rat." Then he sat down.

 

[NaokoSmith]

You make me feel so young!
(Feisty at fifty! )

 

[NaokoSmith]

And this is one for JohnEB
<hug>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHlyvxzSIOQ

 

[DG Hear]

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."

The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."

 

[Handley_Page]

Two women talking:

1. "I heard your book has been published; Congratulations"
2. Thank you"
1. What's it about?
2. It's a reference book about sexism. It even has pictures, so men can understand it, too".

 

[DG Hear]

They WON again this year!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY WON,
BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT!

THEY WON!!!

 

[CarlusMagnus]

They WON again this year!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY WON,
BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT!

THEY WON!!!

May we assume that they are in their team costumes? (Except, perhaps, for the pair who appear to have something around their waists)

 

[NaokoSmith]

Are you sure it's not that man in the middle - whom you all have somehow managed to miss seeing - who has won?

 

[NaokoSmith]

#‎WhoopiGoldberg‬ ‪#‎lgbt‬ ‪#‎equality‬

 

[NaokoSmith]

Another one for you, Johneb, LOL.

 

[NaokoSmith]

 

[NaokoSmith]

I love the priorities!

 

[DG Hear]

Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."
---------------

Yo momma is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
---------------

What's the difference between a Lady in the church and lady in the bathtub?

One has Hope in her Soul and One has Soap in her Hole!

 

[Handley_Page]

Saw a dwarf carrying a TV back to his car earlier.

"Jesus," I said, "Can you manage that Plasma Telly ok on yer own mate?"

"Ha ha ha, you cheeky blighter!" he said, "It's a fucking Kindle"

 

[DG Hear]

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Ring up and say you cannot cum.
-------------------

Why don't men eat between meals.

There *IS* no "between" meals.