Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
Your militant martyrdom and trolling of this thread is far more offensive than the questionable jokes you object to.
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
Your militant martyrdom and trolling of this thread is far more offensive than the questionable jokes you object to.
Darkniciad
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2005
- Posts
- 7,943
Seems like as good a place as any to post this recommendation. I read this before on another site, but it's now here, and well-deserving of reads/recognition.
Brilliant and funny.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=429532
Brilliant and funny.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=429532
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Thanks for posting Harold, much appreciated.
I added Stultus to my favorite authors list a month or so ago. A very talented author.
DG
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Upset
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A
vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the3 kids."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A
vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the3 kids."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The Priest's Question
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 1,866
Now there's a perfectly justifiable case of taking the law into your own hands!
(if you'll pardon the additional image that conjures up)
Loved it, Handley! Thanks for posting.
All stunning! Thanks for the big laughs, DG!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A Powerful Message of Comfort from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson’s Death…
....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .... . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
...... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
This next comment is really touching, I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”
On Michael Jackson’s Death…
....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .... . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
...... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
This next comment is really touching, I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,241
Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time.
Though they've been around
for more than 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some
unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been
allowed to age like the rest of us?
With apologies to the late Charles Schulz:
Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives
and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at
high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded
son who wears glasses.
Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York
Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable
causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only
man who makes Bill Gates nervous.
Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she
hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her
answering machine is Beethoven.
Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in
Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.
Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo.
Sells Mary Kay.
Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo:
"Sandals go with everything."
Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've happened to him?
Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.
Though they've been around
for more than 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some
unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been
allowed to age like the rest of us?
With apologies to the late Charles Schulz:
Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives
and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at
high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded
son who wears glasses.
Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York
Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable
causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only
man who makes Bill Gates nervous.
Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she
hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her
answering machine is Beethoven.
Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in
Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.
Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo.
Sells Mary Kay.
Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo:
"Sandals go with everything."
Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've happened to him?
Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,241
Few people outside the military know what a quartermaster does. So during
my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called
semaphore-I grabbed my flags and signalled an imaginary boat.
When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, "Now do you
know what I do?"
"Yes," she answered. "You're a cheerleader."
my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called
semaphore-I grabbed my flags and signalled an imaginary boat.
When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, "Now do you
know what I do?"
"Yes," she answered. "You're a cheerleader."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,241
An Indian woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Bhala!
All he wants is an@l $ex and my ar$ehole is now the size of a 50c piece,
when it used to be the size of a 1c piece".
Her mother says, "Padma, you're married to a multi-millionaire, you live in
an eight bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get a $7,000 monthly
allowance, you take six holidays a year, and you're willing to throw it all
away for 49c ?"
All he wants is an@l $ex and my ar$ehole is now the size of a 50c piece,
when it used to be the size of a 1c piece".
Her mother says, "Padma, you're married to a multi-millionaire, you live in
an eight bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get a $7,000 monthly
allowance, you take six holidays a year, and you're willing to throw it all
away for 49c ?"
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 1,866
neighbourly
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2006
- Posts
- 176
Great jokes DG, if certain people dont like the stuff on this site the Interweb is an awfull big place they should go else where
Zeb_Carter
.-- - ..-.
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2006
- Posts
- 20,573
Where to Retire
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where....
1.. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
It's important to know the difference, too..
You can retire to Colorado where....
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4.. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can retire to Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist..
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where....
1.. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
It's important to know the difference, too..
You can retire to Colorado where....
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4.. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can retire to Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist..
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Boxlicker101
Licker of Boxes
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2003
- Posts
- 33,665
Some of the group have aged slightly. Linus and Sally began as babies, but now they are in the same elementary school class as their older siblings, Lucy Van Pelt and Charlie Brown.
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
The Speeder
A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!
The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.
Old Lady Driving A CarTo his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.
“Ma’am,” the officer began. “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer,” the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. “Why, what seems to be the problem?”
Shocked, the officer returned her comment, “What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That’s the problem. Didn’t you see the sign?”
“Oh sure,” the old lady returned, “That’s why I’m driving so fast. I’m just trying to follow it’s instruction.”
Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.
“Just what sign are you talking about, Ma’am?” he asked, when he finally recovered.
Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, “Why, the one that said ‘Speed Zone Ahead’, of course!”
A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!
The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.
Old Lady Driving A CarTo his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.
“Ma’am,” the officer began. “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer,” the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. “Why, what seems to be the problem?”
Shocked, the officer returned her comment, “What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That’s the problem. Didn’t you see the sign?”
“Oh sure,” the old lady returned, “That’s why I’m driving so fast. I’m just trying to follow it’s instruction.”
Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.
“Just what sign are you talking about, Ma’am?” he asked, when he finally recovered.
Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, “Why, the one that said ‘Speed Zone Ahead’, of course!”
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
Two Prostitutes, One Sign
A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes – $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:
“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00.”
A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes – $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:
“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00.”
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when Little Johnny, on his new shiny bike, stopped beside him.
“Nice bike,” the cop said, “did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yep,” Little Johnny said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked at the bike and, while handing the boy a $20 ticket, he said “Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.”
To which Little Johnny replied, “nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?” “Yea, He sure did,” said the cop.
Looking up at the cop, with the most serious little boy tone, Johnny retorted, “Next year tell Santa to put the weiner underneath the horse instead of on top of it!” and peddled off down the road.
“Nice bike,” the cop said, “did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yep,” Little Johnny said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked at the bike and, while handing the boy a $20 ticket, he said “Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.”
To which Little Johnny replied, “nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?” “Yea, He sure did,” said the cop.
Looking up at the cop, with the most serious little boy tone, Johnny retorted, “Next year tell Santa to put the weiner underneath the horse instead of on top of it!” and peddled off down the road.
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer “I have a proposition for you…”
“You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: “So, what’s the catch?”
“You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: “So, what’s the catch?”
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, sweetheart.” her mother replied, “Why ever would you ask such a question?”
“The headstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”
“Of course not, sweetheart.” her mother replied, “Why ever would you ask such a question?”
“The headstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
An elementary school teacher was asking her students what their parents did for a living. “Jeffrey, please be first,” she said. “Tell the class, what does your mother do?” Jeffrey stood up and proudly boasted, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?” Amy shyly stood up, shuffled her feet a bit and said, “My dad’s a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amy,” said her teacher. “What about your father, Jimmy?” Jimmy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!”
The teacher was taken aback, and promptly changed the subject to social studies. Later that day she went to Jimmy’s house and knocked on the door. Jimmy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said, and demanded the father provide an explanation.
Jimmy’s father said, “Well, I’m actually an attorney. But how can you explain a thing like that to a six year old?”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?” Amy shyly stood up, shuffled her feet a bit and said, “My dad’s a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amy,” said her teacher. “What about your father, Jimmy?” Jimmy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!”
The teacher was taken aback, and promptly changed the subject to social studies. Later that day she went to Jimmy’s house and knocked on the door. Jimmy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said, and demanded the father provide an explanation.
Jimmy’s father said, “Well, I’m actually an attorney. But how can you explain a thing like that to a six year old?”
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Great stuff everyone. Made me smile, I like to smile. Thanks for posting.
DG
Zeb, I retired in Ohio, which one does that make me? Looks kind of like the Midwest. I can live with that, Thanks.
Here's another oldie:
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well, only two left.'
Seniors - God bless them - don't mess with them.
(ps. I'm one of them) haha
DG
Zeb, I retired in Ohio, which one does that make me? Looks kind of like the Midwest. I can live with that, Thanks.
Here's another oldie:
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well, only two left.'
Seniors - God bless them - don't mess with them.
(ps. I'm one of them) haha
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,241
10 Downing Street
London SW1
Dear People of the United Kingdom
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Gordon Brown
London SW1
Dear People of the United Kingdom
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Gordon Brown
- Status
