Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Nobel Prize

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?"

"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize," the farmer replies.

"A Nobel Prize?" enquires Bob, puzzled. "How?"

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

 

[DG Hear]

Not Very Romantic
-------------------------

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But
he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner
and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his
wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?"

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey
out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this
was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young
wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

 

[DesertPirate]

Should have put it here instead of it's own thread.

I give you, the FaceBook song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ

 

[DG Hear]

The Beautiful Teacher

A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

 

[DG Hear]

Smallpox

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place.

They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'.

She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'.

She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.

 

[curl4ever]

Tools and their uses

I could not resist cross-posting this from the "Laughter is Contagious" thread.
Thanks to kayte for the original post.
Apologies to those of you who've seen it twice.

Tools and their uses

If only I couldn't relate

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[sadangel]

Not Very Romantic
-------------------------

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But
he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner
and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his
wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?"

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey
out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this
was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young
wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

*Wiping my eyes from laughing so hard*

 

[redpaint]

I Love You. Three magical words that lead to many great, and not so great, moments in life.
* English………..I Love You
* Spanish………. Te Amo
* French……….. Je T’aime
* German………. Ich Liebe Dich
* Japanese……. Ai Shite Imasu
* Italian………. Ti Amo
* Chinese……… Wo Ai Ni
* Swedish…….. Jag Alskar Dig
* Eskimo………. Nagligivaget
* Greek………… S’Agapo
* Hawaiian……. Aloha Wau la Oe
* Irish…………. Thaim In Grabh Leat
* Hebrew……… Ani Ohev Otakh
* Russian…….. Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
* Albanian……. Une Te Dua
* Finnish……… Mina Rakkastan Sinua
* Turkish…….. Seni Seviyorum
* Hungarian…… Se Ret Lay
* Persian……. Du Stet Daram
* Maltese……. Jien Inhobbok
* Catalan…… Testimo Molt
* American…. Nice Tits

 

[redpaint]

Tragic Local Courtroom Drama Plays Out In Omaha


Omaha, NE (AP) -A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Douglas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Nebraska Cornhuskers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[redpaint]

Cinderella’s Three Wishes

Cinderella is now nearly 70 years old. After having a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat called Gizmo for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?” The Fairy Godmother replies “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!” The Fairy Godmother replied “It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.” At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again “You have one more wish, what shall you have?” Cinderella looked over to Gizmo, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. “I wish for you to transform my old cat, Gizmo, into a beautiful and handsome young man.” Magically, Gizmo suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said “Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.” With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Gizmo and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Gizmo walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don’t you?”

 

[curl4ever]

Cinderella’s Three Wishes

...

Most excellent ending! Thanks, redpaint!

 

[Safe_Bet]

WARNING:​

This thread contains racist, bigoted, homophobic and/or gender biased humor intended, by the posters, to insult and denigrate those who challenge them.

They also often attempt to pass themselves off as “Christians.”, but are no more “true” Christians than is Fred Phelps.

If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
John 4:20

but then we also safely bet that we get some crackers of hackers.. whose sense of humour is so judgmental and cloudy that the sunshine of smiles barely and rarely shines thru... we certainly could have less of them.. lol

 

[DG Hear]

Washing Machine VS. One Night Stand

Why is a washing machine better than a one night stand?

Because the washing machine never follows you around after you put your load in and leave.

 

[DG Hear]

Lesbians

Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian?

A: See you next month

 

[DG Hear]

A blonde girl and a condom.

A man was having sex with his girlfriend and when he was done he threw his used condom out the window.

His girlfriend said she wanted to go again but he didn't have another condom, so he went outside too get the old one.

A blonde gal was holding it. He said, "Can i have that back."

She said "What, this twinkie?"

He said "Ummm yea sure the twinkie."

She said "20 dollars."

So he gave her the money and the blonde gave back the condom and went home.

The blonde's friend asked where she get the $20 from?

She said, "I sold some guy a twinkie but I ripped him off. I sucked all the cream filling out it before i gave it back."

 

[DG Hear]

Hey, sometimes the jokes are cute, sometimes not so cute. We realize not every joke is for everyone. If you have a joke that you think is cute or better than what we post, then get it a shot and post it.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after he had announced the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh!t out of him.

 

[DG Hear]

I just received this one. Funny but yet so sad.
DG

The following are all replies that Detroit women have
Written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section
For listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way
.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from
The forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize
And #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia
Was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the
Identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was
Conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child
As I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly
From behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men
That I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard
Where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember
That the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage
To track down the father, can you please send me his
Phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto
In one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
Service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian.
I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my
Son's' conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs
Me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have
Cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between
Doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all
Look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch
Up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
Child B who was also borned at the same time.... Well, I don't have clue.


9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that
I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about
Eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched
More TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave ,
Mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
After all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure
Which one made you fart.

WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS.

 

[DG Hear]

>> > WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

>> > Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you
>> > may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male
>> > to see any woman other than his wife naked. He
>> > must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4
>> > PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out
>> > of their house completely naked to help weed out any
>> > neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour
>> > is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All
>> > patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn
>> > chairs in front of their house to prove they are not
>> > Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see
>> > nude women other than their wife and to show support
>> > for all American women. Since Islam also does
>> > not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
>> > The American government appreciates your efforts to root
>> > out terrorists and applauds your participation in
>> > this anti-terrorist
>> > activity.
>> >
>> > God bless America! and God Bless the women from all countries who
>> > take part

>> > It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you
>> > don't send this to at least 5 people, you're
>> > a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and
>> > are in the position of posing as a national
>> > threat.
>> >

 

[Safe_Bet]

WARNING:​

This thread contains racist, bigoted, homophobic and/or gender biased humor intended, by the posters, to insult and denigrate others.

They also often attempt to pass themselves off as “Christians.”, but are no more “true” Christians than is Fred Phelps.


If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
John 4:20

>> > WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

>> > Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you
>> > may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male
>> > to see any woman other than his wife naked. He
>> > must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4
>> > PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out
>> > of their house completely naked to help weed out any
>> > neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour
>> > is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All
>> > patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn
>> > chairs in front of their house to prove they are not
>> > Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see
>> > nude women other than their wife and to show support
>> > for all American women. Since Islam also does
>> > not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
>> > The American government appreciates your efforts to root
>> > out terrorists and applauds your participation in
>> > this anti-terrorist
>> > activity.
>> >
>> > God bless America! and God Bless the women from all countries who
>> > take part

>> > It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you
>> > don't send this to at least 5 people, you're
>> > a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and
>> > are in the position of posing as a national
>> > threat.
>> >

 

[DG Hear]

Safe bet, Just go screw yourself, which we all know you already do. You are a disgrace to women both gay and straight. God knows why no man would want you. I wouldn't be suprised that any woman would. You are a deceiving, conniving bitch.

I have no respect for you whatsoever. I don't give a shit what you say, what you like, or what you do with your sorry pitiful life. I've never seen so much hatred in one human being.

Go seek help, God knows you need it. You don't like what we post? Tough Shit. I can't stand you, so that makes us even. Why do I even say anything to you. I've been on Lit since 2005, and you are the most pitiful person I have ever come across.

Post all you want, I think others are finally seeing your true colors. I'm through answering your posts. You want me to stop posting humor on this thread. Get enough of your friends to tell me how horrible I am and maybe I'll get tired enough of hearing them and stop posting.

As of right now you are the only female piece of garbage I know on the A/H and it has nothing to do with your sexual choices that I don't care to talk with.

To all other gay people on the threads. I really don't care what your sexual orientation is. I've talked to and respect a number of you. It may be hard to fathom after listening to Safe-Bet bitch but I have a number of gay friends, both male and female. I just don't like anybody's sexual orientation shoved down my thoat and told what I have to accept .

Do I post gay and other ethnic jokes? Yes I do. If I find it funny, I post it. If it offends you, don't read it. Or, post a joke about an old guy, that's what I am. I post a lot about old people. It makes me laugh.

So Bet! I would just as soon hope you would stop posting here, but I know stalkers never listen to common sense and expect you back soon.

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but still cute! To me anyway.

Ralph's Surgery

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concern ed. He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches! ?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

 

[Safe_Bet]

WARNING:​

This thread contains racist, bigoted, homophobic and/or gender biased humor intended, by the posters, to insult and denigrate others.

They also often attempt to pass themselves off as “Christians.”, but are no more “true” Christians than is Fred Phelps.


If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
John 4:20

Safe bet, Just go screw yourself, which we all know you already do. You are a disgrace to women both gay and straight. God knows why no man would want you. I wouldn't be suprised that any woman would. You are a deceiving, conniving bitch.

I have no respect for you whatsoever. I don't give a shit what you say, what you like, or what you do with your sorry pitiful life. I've never seen so much hatred in one human being.

Go seek help, God knows you need it. You don't like what we post? Tough Shit. I can't stand you, so that makes us even. Why do I even say anything to you. I've been on Lit since 2005, and you are the most pitiful person I have ever come across.

Post all you want, I think others are finally seeing your true colors. I'm through answering your posts. You want me to stop posting humor on this thread. Get enough of your friends to tell me how horrible I am and maybe I'll get tired enough of hearing them and stop posting.

As of right now you are the only female piece of garbage I know on the A/H and it has nothing to do with your sexual choices that I don't care to talk with.

To all other gay people on the threads. I really don't care what your sexual orientation is. I've talked to and respect a number of you. It may be hard to fathom after listening to Safe-Bet bitch but I have a number of gay friends, both male and female. I just don't like anybody's sexual orientation shoved down my thoat and told what I have to accept .

Do I post gay and other ethnic jokes? Yes I do. If I find it funny, I post it. If it offends you, don't read it. Or, post a joke about an old guy, that's what I am. I post a lot about old people. It makes me laugh.

So Bet! I would just as soon hope you would stop posting here, but I know stalkers never listen to common sense and expect you back soon.

 

[DG Hear]

OK, I'll admit that this one is kind of sick. I remember hearing it over 40 yrs ago and I guess it's back.

Sandpaper Sally

3 men went to a night club looking to pick up chicks.

One of the guys saw the hottest chick he'd ever seen.

"I'm gonna talk to her", he said.

"NO NO NO" said the other 2 guys. "She'll mess you up real bad!"

The guy went over and talked to her anyway. They talked for awhile and then went back to her apartment and started to get down to business.

2 minutes in he had to quit.

"I can't take it any more! It's too rough," he said.

"Alright," she said "I'll be back in a minute."

A couple minutes later she returned and they started again, now it was really smooth and nice.

"How did you fix that?" he asked.
"I picked the scabs and let them puss." she replied!

 

[DG Hear]

I kind of liked this one!

Sex With a Teacher, a Nurse....

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again 'til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.