Broken_paladin
mud cricket lover
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2022
- Posts
- 2,602
dont take advice from strangers on the internet. most are probably more fucked up in the head than you are. figure your shit out on your own.
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For me it was educating myself on psychological evidence that everything I experienced was unhealthy / abusive. The fact I had that confirmation that it was the right decision to end things was the most helpful going forward.Suggestions for realistic ways to move on from an ex.
Were you able to forgive?For me it was educating myself on psychological evidence that everything I experienced was unhealthy / abusive. The fact I had that confirmation that it was the right decision to end things was the most helpful going forward.
In all honesty as much as I want to be the person that forgives, no, a lot was unforgivable.Were you able to forgive?
I’m the same way about my ex. Everyone tells me that I have to forgive him. I can’t and won’t.In all honesty as much as I want to be the person that forgives, no, a lot was unforgivable.
I initially wanted to feel no malice towards them but now honestly I believe that they will get everything they deserve.
I think it is more the fact that my dog suffered due to them that I actually hold the most resentment for. I’ve processed what happened to me and it led me to where I am now which is a million times better than the situation I was in
You absolutely don’t have to forgive at all. No one can tell you how you should think or feel or respond if they haven’t been in that situation themselves. Everyone told me I should speak to my ex so I did, he then became aggressive again so I blocked his number and was done. Best decision I ever made. Just set boundaries and stand firm.I’m the same way about my ex. Everyone tells me that I have to forgive him. I can’t and won’t.
I set mine. My boundaries are Never Again.You absolutely don’t have to forgive at all. No one can tell you how you should think or feel or respond if they haven’t been in that situation themselves. Everyone told me I should speak to my ex so I did, he then became aggressive again so I blocked his number and was done. Best decision I ever made. Just set boundaries and stand firm.
Absolutely!!! Me too!I set mine. My boundaries are Never Again.
PM?
That sounds like me. And your right about the identifying part, it is hard. And also like you I've learned the vulnerability lesson.I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again. Identifying them in advance isn’t easy. I have learned not to be vulnerable and I don’t trust as easily. But I’m happy.
I will always have trust issues. Good to be safe.That sounds like me. And your right about the identifying part, it is hard. And also like you I've learned the vulnerability lesson.
I was in a very toxic relationship once, it got so bad that it literally tore mine and my families life apart. I eventually was able to get away, (it was a complete stranger that helped me realize how toxic it was) but it took a long time and even longer to heal. I'm still not fully healed because I do have trust issues and I don't put myself out there the way I use too. But all in all I'm still alive and kicking and getting on with my life.
Suggestions for realistic ways to move on from an ex.
Or as many as you can. If friends, family, kids are shared... Just cut the ones you can.Cut all connections.
Forgiving does not mean you don't make conclusions about the person in question - in fact, conclusions are often very much recommended. It doesn't even mean you cannot demand punishment or indemnification, if that's applicable. You can very well make demands, and you should absolutely set your boundaries even after forgiving.You absolutely don’t have to forgive at all. No one can tell you how you should think or feel or respond if they haven’t been in that situation themselves. Everyone told me I should speak to my ex so I did, he then became aggressive again so I blocked his number and was done. Best decision I ever made. Just set boundaries and stand firm.
Oh I think that’s an excellent point.Forgiving does not mean you don't make conclusions about the person in question - in fact, conclusions are often very much recommended. It doesn't even mean you cannot demand punishment or indemnification, if that's applicable. You can very well make demands, and you should absolutely set your boundaries even after forgiving.
There's also no need to even inform the person in question about having forgiven. The real issue in forgiving is letting go of anger and bitterness. Mostly deciding that "it happened and it was fucking wrong, but now it belongs to the past and I'm moving on". Which is first and foremost to your own benefit. Nobody has the right to demand it, but being able to forgive can be a step in healing. I've seen old people incapable of forgiving something in their past, and they are those bitter people who haven't really been able to move on.
I've had my share to forgive. Like my late husband cheating for me years, among other things. (If he was alive, he'd be my ex, but I found out too late to throw him out.)
I really hate it when people assume that forgiving means that you should let things continue the same way while in reality those are two different things.
Of course it's rather difficult to decide something is a thing of the past when it really isn't.Oh I think that’s an excellent point.
I spent a long time blaming myself for the abuse and being upset and probably recently worked through the time being angry and now I’m more indifferent but I think because my ex’s behaviour has remained the same since then including public online abuse and threats, and the fact my dog was really affected and hurt by it who was completely innocent that’s something I cannot forgive.
That’s actually the perfect way to explain it.Of course it's rather difficult to decide something is a thing of the past when it really isn't.
My heart goes to all divorced people who have to keep in contact with a toxic ex due to common children. My friend is having a particularly nasty case, toxic manipulative father having the custody... Poor kid!That’s actually the perfect way to explain it.
It is definitely still a process of healing I’m working through and I’m SO much further on than when it ended and finally starting to get back to myself but I’m sure there is still more progress to come.
Yep! I was super lucky there were no kids involved.My heart goes to all divorced people who have to keep in contact with a toxic ex due to common children. My friend is having a particularly nasty case, toxic manipulative father having the custody... Poor kid!
In my friends case it means absolutely being retraumatised over and over again. Any therapy she has is merely trying to keep her afloat, until the kid is old enough to decide whether to stay with dad or with mom.Yep! I was super lucky there were no kids involved.
My partner has the same though. It’s like being re traumatised all over again.
Oh that’s really sad. I really feel for them.In my friends case it means absolutely being retraumatised over and over again. Any therapy she has is merely trying to keep her afloat, until the kid is old enough to decide whether to stay with dad or with mom.
I am sorry that you are in this position; it's not easy and you have my sympathy and empathy and solidarity.Suggestions for realistic ways to move on from an ex.
Thank you.I am sorry that you are in this position; it's not easy and you have my sympathy and empathy and solidarity.
I'm going to be a bit off-base, and even a bit literal, but one does not 'move on' or 'get over' something traumatic, such as toxic relationships. In my experience, we work through the emotions and logics, we find our tools to heal, we learn said tools, and we continue on our paths. We don't get over the experience because it has marked us and fundamentally changed us. We accept the experience and what has happened and work through it, but it's a part of us. This, for me, was important to my journey of healing. I didn't have the expectation of 'getting over' the trauma because it did change me. I had to learn from it, and I had to equip myself with tools to identify red flags and to do something about it to ensure my wellbeing. This is, in my opinion, not moving on. It's taking and owning my experience as opposed to letting it own me. While some people may call it moving on, I didn't and that helped me to work through and forward to healthy relationships. To each their own.
That said, what @KatieDoes said--talking with a professional and unpacking why you were attracted to, and accepted, the toxic nature is excellent. Recognising and realising why this happened and how to identify future toxic relationships (whether romantic, sexual, familial, work, friendship, etc) is pivotal in creating a healthy, balanced life and relationship with yourself and others.
Another thing that was briefly mentioned that had helped me was doing things that I've always wanted to and couldn't because of the relationship. It was taking back my life and my agency and control of time. Actually, everything I did was deliberate and intentional and was focused on what I wanted to do. I started to live for me. It was insanely scary and liberating. So, I'd suggest to start small. It may be that you've always wanted to attend poetry reading, or spend extra time with family/friends, or even go and watch that movie. Then build that up. It sounds silly, but it helped me and also several friends who were in a similar situation.
Regarding forgiveness: This is up to you. I am one of those people who says forgiveness is not necessary to heal. Letting go of anger that consumes us and directs our focus to the person or relationship is one thing and may be a component to healing. Forgiving the person is another. I am no longer angry and honestly don't give a shit about the causes of the toxicity in my life. If I see them, I have the same reaction as I would seeing a random stranger. But I haven't forgiven them and will not. They have not earned that right and frankly, they will not. In my mind, forgiving someone is a privilege that has to be earned. I think it also helps that I don't find forgiveness necessary to achieve inner peace and to live my life in a balanced, healthy, non-toxic way. But again, to each their own.
(Also, anger is not necessarily a bad thing: it's that tangible emotion that tells us something is wrong and gives us energy and motivation to do something about it. Just sayin'...)
Good luck
It is "everywhere" only in the sense that like idiots, they are "strategically placed so you come across one every day" - but they are luckily still in fact a small minority.The reality is that "toxic" is everywhere and looking for you, wanting to make you into its "supply", and lying about it.
I find this a vast overgeneralisation. Not all great persons have such a background that they have trust issues - there are plenty without. And I find it easier to move on if not both have them.And I'd guarantee that someone who is a great person to [...] They'll have the same worries over trust and rearranging life as you do.