How to know if you’re in the closet…

[woman_inside]

I’m married, still find women attractive, but have always sexually desired men. It’s only increased over time, to the point where it’s all I fantasize about. But how do you know if you’re in the closet or it’s just a fetish? Is it just curiosity or something more? And can you truly be gay if you’ve never had any experience with a man? Would love to hear from other men who struggle with this or figured out later in life they were gay. Cheers

To address your questions, in order of asking:

-I think if you've persistently, explicitly fantasized about men, you're in the closet in that you're not straight.
-I don't think curiosity alone would make you have sex fantasies. I think that takes actual desire.
-Orientation isn't defined by experience, but by attraction - at most, having gay sex and enjoying it would make you go from bi-curious to bi or gay. Having said that, it sounds like you're somewhere on the bisexual spectrum rather than gay.

I've struggled a lot, wondered a lot, about both orientation and gender identity. For cultural reasons, I always though about it in very binary terms - gay or straight, cis or "classic" trans, even if rationally I knew bi people, etc existed, it was something very culturally ingrained. Bi erasure is a real thing. It's possible you're influenced by the same kind of thinking - there's no actual contradiction between being attracted by women and also fantasizing about men.
For years, I think a big part of what scared me was "if you try it, you like it" - a phrase that I only heard as such once, but again, well-ingrained in the culture (I'm Mexican, by the way). In reality, I think if you're curious enough to arrange having sex with a man you have at least some genuine sexual interest in men.

 

[TheF1x3r]

I’m married, still find women attractive, but have always sexually desired men. It’s only increased over time, to the point where it’s all I fantasize about. But how do you know if you’re in the closet or it’s just a fetish? Is it just curiosity or something more? And can you truly be gay if you’ve never had any experience with a man? Would love to hear from other men who struggle with this or figured out later in life they were gay. Cheers

You're not gay, dude.

I have this conversation a lot (and not just because I'm trying to convince some straight/formerly straight guy to suck me off).

You have aromantic homosexual desires - as in you want a bit of willie-fun-time, but you probably don't want to cuddle on the sofa afterwards and watch reruns of happy days.

I call this "straight" - because yeah you're straight but you probably like some sausage when your not eating peaches.

If you, however, feel romantic inclinations toward a man as well as sexual desire then you may be gay (or at least bisexual).

 

[2tallpaul]

Just asking that question is a strong sign. In there by yourself, alone and poorly lit. Coming out is tough not knowing what's on the other side of the door. In my case, I was the last one to find out. My girlfriend knew I was in the first five minutes of meeting me. Don't worry about it and enjoy life.

So i asked her. She said the first time she fingered me while giving a blow job and I pushed back, she knew I was.

 

[Britva415]

You're not gay, dude.

I have this conversation a lot (and not just because I'm trying to convince some straight/formerly straight guy to suck me off).

You have aromantic homosexual desires - as in you want a bit of willie-fun-time, but you probably don't want to cuddle on the sofa afterwards and watch reruns of happy days.

I call this "straight" - because yeah you're straight but you probably like some sausage when your not eating peaches.

If you, however, feel romantic inclinations toward a man as well as sexual desire then you may be gay (or at least bisexual).

I think you meant “not homoromantic, dude.”

I think what you both described counts as bisexual, if not biromantic or homoromantic.

So I guess “not gay” is maybe not-wrong, but ignores bisexuality and ignores that romantic and sexual identities are separate things which may or may not match.

 

[wetsawdust]

I love how we're all different by one tiny iota of detail at times. What a wild, weird, wonderful world.

Today on my lunch walk I thought, I'm trying so hard to keep this new nugget of knowledge about myself under wraps, but sometimes I feel like everyone knows but me. I think one girl at work wants to ask me, because she's always asking if I'm ok, or what's up (the bi thing came on a month or so ago and since then I spend copious amounts of free time at work staring off wondering what the fuck is going on with me). She also made a remark to me about how all these arty women naturally gravitate toward me (fail to see the problem there, creatives are the best people).
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago and he said that he instantly knew I was bi, and that anyone with a bit of queerness in them would decipher.

I dunno. I am still in because I am still discovering how far in I am. I joined a hookup site because I assumed that's what you do. It gave me anxiety. It was so toxic and unflattering. What I'm going through is super heavy for me, and deserves a lot more respect than that. I'm since much better at thinking through things without that distraction. It feels natural. It feels like me. I'm just not ready to share that. I want it to be just mine for a while. Enjoy the rebirth and get to know it.

 

[TheF1x3r]

I think you meant “not homoromantic, dude.”

I think what you both described counts as bisexual, if not biromantic or homoromantic.

So I guess “not gay” is maybe not-wrong, but ignores bisexuality and ignores that romantic and sexual identities are separate things which may or may not match.

I wouldn't say most of the people I meet fall into the bisexual category either. For most of them the entire event is based around the cock and the semen and probably they could care less about about the rest of me.

Like none of these guys are doing pillow talk, myself included. Both them and I would have pillow talk with a woman though.

From speaking to gay and bisexual men I understand that they focus on the entire person, they notice details like the lips, the thighs and so on. For most of the guys I have met it's all about the act itself and the psychology around that.

That said, all of English speaking society is struggling for politically correct terms to accurately describe gender and sexuality.

Someone pointed out the other day that the gay men who wear women's clothing but aren't trans/crossdressers/etc still exist but nobody has a term for them.