woman_inside
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2006
- Posts
- 322
I’m married, still find women attractive, but have always sexually desired men. It’s only increased over time, to the point where it’s all I fantasize about. But how do you know if you’re in the closet or it’s just a fetish? Is it just curiosity or something more? And can you truly be gay if you’ve never had any experience with a man? Would love to hear from other men who struggle with this or figured out later in life they were gay. Cheers
To address your questions, in order of asking:
-I think if you've persistently, explicitly fantasized about men, you're in the closet in that you're not straight.
-I don't think curiosity alone would make you have sex fantasies. I think that takes actual desire.
-Orientation isn't defined by experience, but by attraction - at most, having gay sex and enjoying it would make you go from bi-curious to bi or gay. Having said that, it sounds like you're somewhere on the bisexual spectrum rather than gay.
I've struggled a lot, wondered a lot, about both orientation and gender identity. For cultural reasons, I always though about it in very binary terms - gay or straight, cis or "classic" trans, even if rationally I knew bi people, etc existed, it was something very culturally ingrained. Bi erasure is a real thing. It's possible you're influenced by the same kind of thinking - there's no actual contradiction between being attracted by women and also fantasizing about men.
For years, I think a big part of what scared me was "if you try it, you like it" - a phrase that I only heard as such once, but again, well-ingrained in the culture (I'm Mexican, by the way). In reality, I think if you're curious enough to arrange having sex with a man you have at least some genuine sexual interest in men.