How to.....be more manly?

[lifehack]

Hi all....

My wife and I have a pretty good sex life. There's a semi-old thread about it if you are curious, where I posted some real life updates. Maybe I'll add to it....

Anyway, we are middle-aged, but still very active and energetic. I'm actually in the best shape of my life right now (like, I actually look good!?), and I can tell she likes it. But as we go through this phase, I can tell that she wants me to be a little more....manly?

Sometimes when we have sex she wants me to take her hard, which is fun and good but it's not something we ever did in the past. I was also never a dirty talker, and now she clearly wants me to sort of objectify her, call her dirty names, etc. And she does make more comments when I'm a little dirtier from working outside.

But, being a little rougher and acting stronger is not something that comes natural to me - or at least I've pushed it down.

So, the question is - what are some things I can do outside and inside the bedroom to be the more physical specimen she wants?

 

[Yarglenurp]

Honestly, I think this is just a "practice makes perfect" situation. You're being asked to play a role you haven't really played before, and it feels weird to you. Do it 10 more times and it'll feel less weird. Do it 50 more times and it'll start feeling natural. Do it 100 more times and it'll just be the way you do things.

 

[magic_rat]

What Yarglenurp said.

Plus, fantasise. You're not fucking your wife. You're fucking some cheap slut for whom you have no respect. Close your eyes and picture it; that;s not her, it's just a cunt there for you to use and abuse.

 

[lifehack]

What Yarglenurp said.

Plus, fantasise. You're not fucking your wife. You're fucking some cheap slut for whom you have no respect. Close your eyes and picture it; that;s not her, it's just a cunt there for you to use and abuse.

And signs point to her wanting this, I guess!? I can definitely do this, but convincing myself that I'm not being a jerk.....

 

[magic_rat]

You aren't a jerk. It seems like what she wants and if you've misread the signals, it's a one off, but you'll probably get feedback along the way. If you haven't, she'll love you for it.

Maybe beforehand suggest the traffic light system - green for go, if she wants you to ease off she just has to say amber, if she says red it's a hard no and everything stops immediately.

One important thing I forgot to mention - this is, essentially, abusive sex, even if it's what she wants and what she consents to.

Aftercare is important. And sweet. Just like after a BDSM session, cuddle her, stroke her, whisper sweet nothings, make her know that she's loved, valued, and that what happened before was just a game. You may well find yourselvers reconnecting on a whole different level.

 

[lifehack]

Thanks, yes, we are very good at communicating after, and beforehand. But typically it's me offering the path so she is consenting....I just think she wants more.

What about outside of the bedroom.....tool belts lol?

 

[Yarglenurp]

So, I need to first say that I think "masculinity" as a trait is total bullshit. The parts of it that make sense boil down to the trait of "getting shit done." And that trait something people of all genders, preferences, etc. can do. Also, there's a ton of political BS.

Ok, with that out of the way... I think it'll depend a lot on your wife's cultural background. Even in the US, things that are masculine in one place are absolutely not considered that in another place. But, if we're going by mainstream US culture, the big masculinity markers are lifting weights, hunting your meat, and fixing your car/house/boat. Preferably outside on a sunny day.

 

[Bojackennedy]

I agree with what has been said before. One thing I might add is that you might feel uncomfortable about doing this because you are a kind and caring person, and it might feel weird treating your wife in what feels like a disrespectful way.

That's good! So for this kind of sex, it might be helpful to think of this as playing a part, a role, and it is still about her pleasure. She wants this, she is asking for it, and you are being a good husband and lover by doing it. And absolutely aftercare is critical.

In terms of outside the bedroom, I think it is probably things that are traditionally associated with 'manliness' - fixing things around the house, doing manual labor, etc. Not the emotional repression though lol.

 

[NightL]

So, the question is - what are some things I can do outside and inside the bedroom to be the more physical specimen she wants?

The very first person you should ask is her. It really is that simple. Don't make communication convoluted.

You don't have to make a personality switch. Maybe she does like it when you have picked up a sweat and have your shirt off when working outside, she is simply admiring your body that you claim is in good shape. That is a tick for you for putting the effort in. You don't have to be that person 24/7.

The hottest sex you will ever have is when you know what your partner gets off on. You can't mind read and you certainly are not going to learn that from strangers here. You have to ask her. Also have these conversations during non-sex times - sit down and have a good talk through it all. Make sure she knows you are truly listening to her. No one ever will open up if they feel the other person is being dismissive or talks over the top of them. Ask, listen very carefully and then let her know you have taken in what she has said.

It is actually very easy to try new things if you are both on board with all. If she likes it a little rough'n'dirty sometimes and you see she is getting off it really will come easy. If she said "touch me here, do that harder, slower..." and you hear and witness the results then it should really just flow naturally. The more you aim to please the more you will get back.

What are things you may want to try? Have you told her?

It is not "But, being a little rougher and acting stronger is not something that comes natural to me" - it is listening to your partner, hearing how she is responding and providing what she likes. It is not about you getting off in playing a role it is about you realising how hot it is when you witness her in sexual bliss.

Don't be afraid to have a laugh at yourselves if things don't go quite as intended.

By the sound of it you really are in a situation where many would envy. By asking her, listening carefully and putting into practice, you aim to create a situation where others envy her.

 

[Britva415]

Yeah. What @NightL said.

being a little rougher and acting stronger is not something that comes natural to me

Don't make it about you. Let it be about her, and give her what turns her on. Have your turn to have it your way another time.

 

[NightL]

give her what turns her on

lifehack, succeed in that and she will rock your world - well worth paying attention

 

[lifehack]

Thanks all, very helpful and lots of this is on point!

So, I need to first say that I think "masculinity" as a trait is total bullshit. The parts of it that make sense boil down to the trait of "getting shit done." And that trait something people of all genders, preferences, etc. can do. Also, there's a ton of political BS.

Ok, with that out of the way... I think it'll depend a lot on your wife's cultural background. Even in the US, things that are masculine in one place are absolutely not considered that in another place. But, if we're going by mainstream US culture, the big masculinity markers are lifting weights, hunting your meat, and fixing your car/house/boat. Preferably outside on a sunny day.

Agree so much on your "masculinity" perspective. That's what's kind of hard about this....it's the best label I could come up with, but it is not something that factors into other parts of our lives. I take care of the kids as much as she does, I clean, I grocery shop. I'm shit at folding laundry though.

The very first person you should ask is her. It really is that simple. Don't make communication convoluted.

You don't have to make a personality switch. Maybe she does like it when you have picked up a sweat and have your shirt off when working outside, she is simply admiring your body that you claim is in good shape. That is a tick for you for putting the effort in. You don't have to be that person 24/7.

The hottest sex you will ever have is when you know what your partner gets off on. You can't mind read and you certainly are not going to learn that from strangers here. You have to ask her. Also have these conversations during non-sex times - sit down and have a good talk through it all. Make sure she knows you are truly listening to her. No one ever will open up if they feel the other person is being dismissive or talks over the top of them. Ask, listen very carefully and then let her know you have taken in what she has said.

It is actually very easy to try new things if you are both on board with all. If she likes it a little rough'n'dirty sometimes and you see she is getting off it really will come easy. If she said "touch me here, do that harder, slower..." and you hear and witness the results then it should really just flow naturally. The more you aim to please the more you will get back.

What are things you may want to try? Have you told her?

It is not "But, being a little rougher and acting stronger is not something that comes natural to me" - it is listening to your partner, hearing how she is responding and providing what she likes. It is not about you getting off in playing a role it is about you realising how hot it is when you witness her in sexual bliss.

Don't be afraid to have a laugh at yourselves if things don't go quite as intended.

By the sound of it you really are in a situation where many would envy. By asking her, listening carefully and putting into practice, you aim to create a situation where others envy her.

This is helpful encouragement. We HAVE talked about it, but she's still learning how she feels about it and can't communicate it so much. But there are probably ways I can bring it up differently and laugh about it, rather than it being more intentional and analytical....

Yeah. What @NightL said.

Don't make it about you. Let it be about her, and give her what turns her on. Have your turn to have it your way another time.

Agree 100%!

 

[J_Bone]

It's oftentimes difficult to be someone we're inherently not, even if just for a short while. However, perhaps attempting to put yourself in a different mindset, one that is not normally the case during sex, can be helpful.

Maybe imagine she's someone you're immensely attracted to, which I'm sure you are, but also someone who you absolutely can't stand for whatever reason, maybe someone you know, i.e., a coworker you disliked, whoever, which of course is a different mindset altogether. You could also think back to a time when she did or said something that absolutely pissed you off, maybe a fight or intense disagreement you had about whatever subject and let it dwell in your mind and take you back to that place to how you felt when you were really deservedly angry. If you're middle aged and been married for a number of years, I'm sure it's happened. We've all heard the term hate fucking or grudge fucking. Not that this would necessarily be those, but might at least give you that extra motivation to deliver what she's wanting.

As others have stated, giving her what she is craving will pay off in spades. After all, this is something you say she's asked for, so don't feel bad or guilty about giving her what she wants even if it's not your nature. If it's too much or isn't working, she'll let you know. It sounds like y'all communicate well.

And most of all, have FUN! Sexual experimentation and continuing to learn about each other in that way is a fun journey and really should be ongoing. Good luck!!

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

I saw this and instantly thought of a 1930’s era magazine article that listed many things that made one “manly”. I couldn’t find that but Did find this. It had a couple of interesting things.

It will at least get you thinking of ways to change your mindset. If all else fails, read some Ernest Hemingway!

 

[Yarglenurp]

Ok, forget all that advice. All you need is macho salad.