fishing for feedback

[Enziannightshade]

Hi. I am a new writer and have just posted the second part of a series intended to go 4 parts total. I am interested in developing my style, and have discovered that the comments section is a bit lacking. This is fine, I understand that this isn't facebook and honestly I am happy for that. However, the nature of these stories basically means that I am unlikely to be passing them around family and friends for feedback. This is a very personal hobby for me. Seems this would be the forum to search for that kind of attention. If you are interested, and have the time, I am all ears! feedback here, message me privately, whatever! Specifically the series I am working on now, the 'heroine' is more or less halfway through her arc of decent. The idea is that in part 3 it gets more intense, part 4 border-lining ridiculous with a dramatic conclusion. I am concerned a bit about my pacing, maybe taking too long to get to the good stuff, I also want my character to remain relatable. The challenge is to go deeper and deeper while remaining believable within the parameters of what this person would realistically do.

https://literotica.com/s/the-underground-spa
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-underground-spa-pt-02

 

[yowser]

Hi. I am a new writer and have just posted the second part of a series intended to go 4 parts total. I am interested in developing my style, and have discovered that the comments section is a bit lacking. This is fine, I understand that this isn't facebook and honestly I am happy for that. However, the nature of these stories basically means that I am unlikely to be passing them around family and friends for feedback. This is a very personal hobby for me. Seems this would be the forum to search for that kind of attention. If you are interested, and have the time, I am all ears! feedback here, message me privately, whatever! Specifically the series I am working on now, the 'heroine' is more or less halfway through her arc of decent. The idea is that in part 3 it gets more intense, part 4 border-lining ridiculous with a dramatic conclusion. I am concerned a bit about my pacing, maybe taking too long to get to the good stuff, I also want my character to remain relatable. The challenge is to go deeper and deeper while remaining believable within the parameters of what this person would realistically do.

https://literotica.com/s/the-underground-spa
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-underground-spa-pt-02

Well, new writer, welcome to the starting line of what I hope will prove a new and nourishing addiction.

I've read your first installment and will leave some comments, probably more than you want to hear (and I confess I am a fussy reader, so take that in advisement.)

I am most concerned about where you are going to end up, since I can guess pretty well, and since you expressed an interest in 'remaining believable', even after the first believable-stretching chapter, I have some worries. But it's your story, and a great deal of pleasure can be gained from putting words out there to mirror mind-thoughts, fantasies, and everything else that makes inner arousal special.

The good news first: some nice tactile descriptions, you incorporate a lot of sensory detail in the various settings (damp tiles, low lighting, smells and sounds.) Your prose cruises along and while you could pare down a lot (more on this in a moment) things move along briskly and for the most part coherently. Conversational style, a little exaggerated, but entirely workable.

If you ever consider doing this first chapter over, here's what you might keep in mind:

It takes a little too long to establish your narrator's sex, an especial difficulty with first person narration. Good to have this set up in the first or second paragraphs (you do mention gay guys in the bit about the 'business' so there is some built-in ambiguity.)

I like it when setting is established early on, doesn't have to be explicit. But we know early on the business is being bought by 'Germans' so it's likely not a German location. But where are we? Give us a clue.

I did not find your character believable even remotely. She is asked into Franc's office straight away on getting to work, but then ignores the request and goes off on a cannabis binge (at work?) And things get even more bizarre. I think you'd be better off going lighter on this part.

I think it would be a good idea to give your characters (there are a fair number) more distinguishing physical or emotional details to help the reader keep track of who is who.

Another pass or two of another pair of eyes (maybe your own) would catch a lot of awkward sentences and grammar slip-ups, here are a couple examples (there are plenty):

I cringed, and complied. (probably 'replied' and you don't need a comma there.)
"Where you at you stoner losers!" (do need a comma there to separate the addressee - I'd say after 'at'. Comma usage is an issue throughout.)

Overuse of a lot of words 'cute,' 'kinda,' etc.

But I was okay with most of it until we got to the (inevitable) ten inch cock. You will do well to avoid the measurement business/ genital hyperbole, although it seems irresistible to most writers here. Hints are better, best is when you can register the narrator's feelings and emotions without the benefit of a tape measure.

So, I could go on, you've got a running start, and that's good. Anything you can do to fill in your character a bit (outside her cannabis and sexual indulgences) would be good. I think you could cut out a lot and gain by doing so, leave out extraneous details and scenes. The 'show not tell' advice is always good to keep in mind.

Your scores are generous and thus it appears you are reaching a welcoming audience, so that is excellent. Pray continue...

 

[AG31]

Well, new writer, welcome to the starting line of what I hope will prove a new and nourishing addiction.

I've read your first installment and will leave some comments, probably more than you want to hear (and I confess I am a fussy reader, so take that in advisement.)

These are just the sort of comments I'd love to get for my stories. How's your interest/energy level? Should I post them in Story Feedback?

 

[StillStunned]

But I was okay with most of it until we got to the (inevitable) ten inch cock. You will do well to avoid the measurement business/ genital hyperbole, although it seems irresistible to most writers here. Hints are better, best is when you can register the narrator's feelings and emotions without the benefit of a tape measure.

"She glanced down, and her eyes opened wide. 'You won't get many of those for a fiver,' she murmured."

 

[Enziannightshade]

Well, new writer, welcome to the starting line of what I hope will prove a new and nourishing addiction.

I've read your first installment and will leave some comments, probably more than you want to hear (and I confess I am a fussy reader, so take that in advisement.)

I am most concerned about where you are going to end up, since I can guess pretty well, and since you expressed an interest in 'remaining believable', even after the first believable-stretching chapter, I have some worries. But it's your story, and a great deal of pleasure can be gained from putting words out there to mirror mind-thoughts, fantasies, and everything else that makes inner arousal special.

The good news first: some nice tactile descriptions, you incorporate a lot of sensory detail in the various settings (damp tiles, low lighting, smells and sounds.) Your prose cruises along and while you could pare down a lot (more on this in a moment) things move along briskly and for the most part coherently. Conversational style, a little exaggerated, but entirely workable.

If you ever consider doing this first chapter over, here's what you might keep in mind:

It takes a little too long to establish your narrator's sex, an especial difficulty with first person narration. Good to have this set up in the first or second paragraphs (you do mention gay guys in the bit about the 'business' so there is some built-in ambiguity.)

I like it when setting is established early on, doesn't have to be explicit. But we know early on the business is being bought by 'Germans' so it's likely not a German location. But where are we? Give us a clue.

I did not find your character believable even remotely. She is asked into Franc's office straight away on getting to work, but then ignores the request and goes off on a cannabis binge (at work?) And things get even more bizarre. I think you'd be better off going lighter on this part.

I think it would be a good idea to give your characters (there are a fair number) more distinguishing physical or emotional details to help the reader keep track of who is who.

Another pass or two of another pair of eyes (maybe your own) would catch a lot of awkward sentences and grammar slip-ups, here are a couple examples (there are plenty):

I cringed, and complied. (probably 'replied' and you don't need a comma there.)
"Where you at you stoner losers!" (do need a comma there to separate the addressee - I'd say after 'at'. Comma usage is an issue throughout.)

Overuse of a lot of words 'cute,' 'kinda,' etc.

But I was okay with most of it until we got to the (inevitable) ten inch cock. You will do well to avoid the measurement business/ genital hyperbole, although it seems irresistible to most writers here. Hints are better, best is when you can register the narrator's feelings and emotions without the benefit of a tape measure.

So, I could go on, you've got a running start, and that's good. Anything you can do to fill in your character a bit (outside her cannabis and sexual indulgences) would be good. I think you could cut out a lot and gain by doing so, leave out extraneous details and scenes. The 'show not tell' advice is always good to keep in mind.

Your scores are generous and thus it appears you are reaching a welcoming audience, so that is excellent. Pray continue...

Thank you. This is exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for! I agree with nearly everything you said, most of which probably would have taken me at least another couple of stories to catch on to. A lot of what you are saying is pretty obvious now that I hear it. I have an editor helping me with some stuff and in no way do I expect him to deep dive on his contribution. I really needed him to help sort my dialogue out as my first submission was refused because I had done it all wrong. I am definitely new at this. I haven't completed the next two parts yet and I was really hoping to get some direction of this calibre because I absolutely want to improve as I go along. I will definitely be re-reading your comment a few times! Only things you signal-ed that were intentional on my part would be the ambiguity of the location. I felt that was a good idea for some reason. Maybe it wasn't, especially when I am throwing nationalities and currencies around liberally. The girl being ridiculous. That was intentional, but I am going to have to re'look at how I have been putting this forward. When I say people should act in a believable way, I mean it should be believable for their character, if it doesn't seem to make sense, then either the actions are out of character, or the character isn't properly developed. I will keep going, but the evolution may be painful to watch! I am going to have to grow up in public unfortunately.

 

[Bazzle]

I

"She glanced down, and her eyes opened wide. 'You won't get many of those for a fiver,' she murmured."

Prefer it battered. Any vinegar?

 

[Enziannightshade]

These are just the sort of comments I'd love to get for my stories. How's your interest/energy level? Should I post them in Story Feedback?

I am interested and motivated! At least in the short term I am trying to get as much feedback as possible so I can develop while I am writing the next two parts.

 

[Bazzle]

Thank you. This is exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for! I agree with nearly everything you said, most of which probably would have taken me at least another couple of stories to catch on to. A lot of what you are saying is pretty obvious now that I hear it. I have an editor helping me with some stuff and in no way do I expect him to deep dive on his contribution. I really needed him to help sort my dialogue out as my first submission was refused because I had done it all wrong. I am definitely new at this. I haven't completed the next two parts yet and I was really hoping to get some direction of this calibre because I absolutely want to improve as I go along. I will definitely be re-reading your comment a few times! Only things you signal-ed that were intentional on my part would be the ambiguity of the location. I felt that was a good idea for some reason. Maybe it wasn't, especially when I am throwing nationalities and currencies around liberally. The girl being ridiculous. That was intentional, but I am going to have to re'look at how I have been putting this forward. When I say people should act in a believable way, I mean it should be believable for their character, if it doesn't seem to make sense, then either the actions are out of character, or the character isn't properly developed. I will keep going, but the evolution may be painful to watch! I am going to have to grow up in public unfortunately.

Read, read, and read some other work.
Find stuff that you enjoy. Both in erotica and in novels. Study how the author has constructed the story. Use it to your advantage when writing your own work!

 

[Enziannightshade]

Read, read, and read some other work.
Find stuff that you enjoy. Both in erotica and in novels. Study how the author has constructed the story. Use it to your advantage when writing your own workYou

 

[Enziannightshade]

You are right of course. That is hard though. When I am reading something I enjoy I just lose myself in it. It is difficult and maybe even unfortunate to take notes in that way. Important though. I recently started going back over some stories that I like and re-reading them with a more analytical eye. This way I don't feel like I am missing out. Its still hard to not get carried away and realize you are not paying attention anymore. ADD

 

[Bazzle]

You are right of course. That is hard though. When I am reading something I enjoy I just lose myself in it. It is difficult and maybe even unfortunate to take notes in that way. Important though. I recently started going back over some stories that I like and re-reading them with a more analytical eye. This way I don't feel like I am missing out. Its still hard to not get carried away and realize you are not paying attention anymore. ADD

On here "Anonymous" will quickly tell you what you are doing wrong. Learn from them and then delete the negative comment.