First Story would love feedback

[Handsomenotme]

I just published my first story. I have several others but I want to see how this one does.

https://literotica.com/s/my-night-at-the-hotel-jacuzzi

It’s actually a highly embellished true story

Thanks

 

[yukonnights]

I read your story, and like most of us it could have been helped with a proof read by someone other than you. Most of us tend to overlook our common mistakes. I think if you read it again slowly, you'll see your typos and such.

The story is also very short — more like a scene from a story. FYI, an average Literotica page is about 3750 words. Your story is about 2600 words. Granted, this may have been your intention, but longer and more developed stories tend to be what most readers want and reward with their ratings & comments.

This is perhaps my own pet-peeve; IMO, stories with more developed characters are more satisfying. So often, stories can come across as a description of a quick porn clip where it's all about the sexual action and zero human emotion & feelings. For example, you had a great opportunity to elaborate on the first time gay experience. You said it was a highly embellished true story, but a first time event like this would have been loaded with emotions, doubts, feelings of guilt or elation afterward, etc.

In my experience, if I can make the reader become engaged with the characters then they will become more interested and immersed in the story as it unfolds.

Hope this helps in some small way ~

 

[Handsomenotme]

Thank you so much, Yukon.
This was exactly the kind of response I was looking for.
I’ve got a lot to learn with grammar.
Your comments comparing my story to a porn clip is right on point. I think I was going for that and now realize that the better stories are not J/O sources at all. I have three other stories that I will now need to rewrite.
As to the length, I laughed. I edited it down to keep it shorter. I was afraid that it was too long. Wrong, again! In the future I will be delighted to stretch them out.
The first time gay experience is important to me but in my effort I decided to save it for a future piece.
Yukon (if I may), thank you again for your truly constructive and intelligent response.
Take care

 

[FelHarper]

I found myself starving for description. If you told this story out loud and transcribed it, it would read a lot like this, relating one scene after another, one action after another. I would suggest when you write a scene, try to imagine it through your senses. Add in more smells, sounds, feelings. How much description you use is a matter of taste, but in this case, I think that the correct answer is “more”.