First Story Feedback Requested - Voyeur Series

[Voyeurkenneth]

I've published my first ever story about a guy who moves into his uncle's house, and fantasizes/spies on his uncle's live-in girlfriend with multiple men over the course of the series (1st chapter of 15).

https://literotica.com/s/always-belle-ch-01

I've found I enjoyed authors who've written about wives/girlfriends casually hooking up with other men like it's no big deal. My spin on that concept involves a third party protagonist (i.e., not the husband/boyfriend) being the man's nephew with a pre-existing obsession with the woman.

Protagonist grapples with his conscience vs. his urges to spy. Moreover, he's content to be a voyeur, not the active pursuer of the woman.

I personally haven't come across this type of story perspective so I decided to give it a go myself!

 

[countdowntolov3]

You clearly know what you're doing.

This is really not my scene, theme wise. But since you didn't have any replies here I thought I'd give this a go. I'm glad I did. Really, really, excellent. And even if I'm not very into the kink, I found it stands up fine as a story without it.

You've set up a compelling mystery with some nice layers. The questions are all very nuanced. It's not just, "Who was Belle fucking?" But also, "Is Artie cool with it?"

In this chapter you introduced us to a lot of characters. But I don't have trouble remembering them, not do I feel that they were introduced rushed and underdeveloped. That's sophisticated stuff that takes a deft hand. I don't know how to do that. Frankly, I'm not sure how you did it.

The prose is clean and moves fast without feeling rushed. And there's enough variety that my eyes didn't start to fuzz.

Kenny is very much not my particular fantasy, but he's well written. In particular I liked the part at the airport where he made the standard slip of the tongue gaff... but then slightly recovered. That really helped to put him into a grey area between pathetic and just finding his way that I thought was more interesting than the classic loser archetype.

The plot and characters felt very natural. Exceptionally so when you consider it's a porn plot. Within the fiction of Artie's glamorous lifestyle the characters interacted in a believable way and events unfolded without me feeling like a horny god was pulling strings.

Lastly, for the positives, I'll say that the sex scene was well done. The way you wrote it had me feeling a lot like Kenny. Voyeuristic, tantalized, but blind to the details. Perhaps it would be not enough payoff for a stand alone story. But I understand this is a initial chapter.

I'll try to provide some constructive criticism. But I'm definitely punching up here. So make of this what you will.

There is a certain overwriting tone that sneaks through in a few places. Since usually your style is clean and fast paced, it was jarring to me. This tone is typified by extra adjectives paired with underdeveloped ideas. Here are some examples where it poked through for me:

I scarfed down more pieces, taking note of the sushi's vibrant flavors and textures.

Kenny is famished and meeting a new person. So him "taking note" sticks out as an extra activity on top of that. One that seems out of character for him. But "vibrant flavors and textures," is a bit of a copout that signals, at the same time, that this isn't actually a super important detail. In my option...

I scarfed down more pieces. The flavor and texture were vibrant.

...serves the same end while be less distracting. Though I do still think "vibrant" is a sticky note that reads, "put something clever here."

"Don't let Sherrie hear you say that," I lightheartedly let out.

Default dialogue tag is, "I said." We've got to justify anything more flowery than that. Switching to "let out" and adding "lightheartedly" is a double decoration for a throwaway line of dialogue. Also, and this is subjective: "let out" makes me think of something escaping unbidden, like a surprised squeak, or a fart

One more thing. I think you could have dropped Kenny's masturbation fantasy scene. I think it does a disservice to release the anticipation the reader is building for the actual sex scene. And it takes Belle a little off her pedestal. I have two theories as to why you added the scene. First theory: you were worried the reader would get bored with no sex. You'd be correct to worry. The reader is expecting erotica. But your writing is strong. I think it can handle it. Theory number two: you're trying to illustrate that Kenny sees Belle in a warped or unrealistic way. If this is the case, I think it's a miss. The actual Belle in the sex scene is at least adjacent to the sexpot Kenny imagines her to be. I think you needed to pull Kenny's fantasy more surreal if this was your goal. Though that could really backfire...

Phew. I wrote way to much. And on my phone too. In summary: awesome job, I look forward to reading more.

P.S. Coming back in with an edit to ask if you'd be comfortable sharing your writing background? This is obviously not the first time you've written fiction. I'm curious.

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

Wow thanks for the detailed reply! Appreciate the considered feedback and compliments. You’ve given me some food for thought for tweaks to the remaining 14 chapters () I’ve already written. Chapters 2 and 3 are currently in the pending to publish queue.