First couple stories, looking for feedback and constructive criticism

[Bbl87]

Hey everyone! Long time reader, first time writer.

I have a very active fantasy life, so I decided to try my hand here as an outlet for it. I'm relatively new to writing this kind of material, but have a decent amount of experience writing for work and things like that. I cranked out 4 chapters in my line of cheating stories, 2 are published and 2 are pending. Interested in getting some input regarding style, vocabulary, etc.. I based my stories off people in real life, because I feel like it's easier to write based on that and just alter names and details. Here are my first two that have been published, feel free to read one or both. Chapter 2 can work stand-alone but would probably make more sense after reading Chapter 1.

http://literotica.com/s/cheating-ch-01-the-first-time

http://literotica.com/s/cheating-ch-02-beer-run

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read both stories.

They're both short and simple which is probably a good idea for someone starting out. The writing, especially around the sex, seems mostly fine and effective. They work as effective, 'real-life fantasies' type pieces. I think they both represent a good start and will look out for the other two coming out.

In terms of critique....

1) The MC and cousin rush into talking about their sex-lives too quickly for me. It's fine for a short fantasy piece, but it was noticable that he says he asked about college (wonders not aloud about whether she's a virgin) but she responds with information about her love life - what exactly did he ask her?
2) I felt like more should have been made of his wife waking him up with a BJ at the end - the whole thrust of the other two stories is that he isn't getting any from her, so this feels significant. Overall, his attitude towards his wife comes across as a bit weak-willed because she only ever in it when he's talking about what she won't do. If the stories get longer, I'd like a bit more information about her character and the issues.
3) It's not entirely clear what Laura sees in the main character (apart from later the size of his endowment), there could be a little more work done on giving her personality outside of the sex (but again, its a very short story).
4) The set-ups at the moment are a little simple - he comes home to fuck the baby-sitter, they go out for beer and fuck. Although they're well told theres not a lot that is particularly unique about the stories and they are lacking a bit of drama.

Despite these minor things, I enjoyed the stories and hope to read more.

 

[Bbl87]

I read both stories.

They're both short and simple which is probably a good idea for someone starting out. The writing, especially around the sex, seems mostly fine and effective. They work as effective, 'real-life fantasies' type pieces. I think they both represent a good start and will look out for the other two coming out.

In terms of critique....

1) The MC and cousin rush into talking about their sex-lives too quickly for me. It's fine for a short fantasy piece, but it was noticable that he says he asked about college (wonders not aloud about whether she's a virgin) but she responds with information about her love life - what exactly did he ask her?
2) I felt like more should have been made of his wife waking him up with a BJ at the end - the whole thrust of the other two stories is that he isn't getting any from her, so this feels significant. Overall, his attitude towards his wife comes across as a bit weak-willed because she only ever in it when he's talking about what she won't do. If the stories get longer, I'd like a bit more information about her character and the issues.
3) It's not entirely clear what Laura sees in the main character (apart from later the size of his endowment), there could be a little more work done on giving her personality outside of the sex (but again, its a very short story).
4) The set-ups at the moment are a little simple - he comes home to fuck the baby-sitter, they go out for beer and fuck. Although they're well told theres not a lot that is particularly unique about the stories and they are lacking a bit of drama.

Despite these minor things, I enjoyed the stories and hope to read more.

Thanks for the input! I was aiming for stories on the shorter end, but I definitely understand what you're saying about developing a little more depth.

The wake-up BJ section I left intentionally short to emphasize the focus on the cousin, but I can definitely see how it might have been TOO brief.

Thanks again!

 

[Salirophilia]

I read the first one. It was short and to the point, which is something I like in a story.

A typo: "She was rubbing her clit to milk every last bit of her orgasm as a shot several streams of hot cum in her mouth and on her face". It feels like nitpicking to point it out, but it's the climactic sentence of the story.

 

[Defluer]

I just read Part 1, not bad at all. My main agreement with Red is that even though it's clearly supposed to be short and sweet, it still needs like... 500 to a 1000 more words. I kinda understood the MC but didn't get anything as motivation from Laura. She didn't... Well she didn't really turn me on because there was so little info about her. Anyway a reader wanting more of your story is a really good problem to have, right?

It's difficult to tell what is an Oops and what is intentionally left to be explained in future chapters but I also agree with the idea that the wife went from "never initiating" to "sometimes initiating", granted it's rare to be able to go out and get drunk when you're a parent but it just threw me off a little. I don't think you needed to go into detail more on the wife sex. I got that the story was about the cousin. Maybe it's just the author in me spinning that out as a whole other element to the story. She knows and that was why she was turned on. Or something happened at the end of the wedding. All of which will be explained in future chapters. I'm not saying include that, just that it felt "off" enough that it made me think that there is something to it.

I am jealous. I wish, wish, wish I could write short and to the point like this. No matter what I tell myself beforehand my shit spins out into pages and pages for just 1 sex scene.

I'll give part 2 a go and probably drop any comments there.

 

[Bbl87]

I read the first one. It was short and to the point, which is something I like in a story.

A typo: "She was rubbing her clit to milk every last bit of her orgasm as a shot several streams of hot cum in her mouth and on her face". It feels like nitpicking to point it out, but it's the climactic sentence of the story.

Thanks. I wish I could go back and tweak that without deleting and reposting. I read over it several times, but I guess when I know what I meant to write I can miss little things.

 

[Bbl87]

I just read Part 1, not bad at all. My main agreement with Red is that even though it's clearly supposed to be short and sweet, it still needs like... 500 to a 1000 more words. I kinda understood the MC but didn't get anything as motivation from Laura. She didn't... Well she didn't really turn me on because there was so little info about her. Anyway a reader wanting more of your story is a really good problem to have, right?

It's difficult to tell what is an Oops and what is intentionally left to be explained in future chapters but I also agree with the idea that the wife went from "never initiating" to "sometimes initiating", granted it's rare to be able to go out and get drunk when you're a parent but it just threw me off a little. I don't think you needed to go into detail more on the wife sex. I got that the story was about the cousin. Maybe it's just the author in me spinning that out as a whole other element to the story. She knows and that was why she was turned on. Or something happened at the end of the wedding. All of which will be explained in future chapters. I'm not saying include that, just that it felt "off" enough that it made me think that there is something to it.

I am jealous. I wish, wish, wish I could write short and to the point like this. No matter what I tell myself beforehand my shit spins out into pages and pages for just 1 sex scene.

I'll give part 2 a go and probably drop any comments there.

Thanks! As I've worked on the additional stories, I've definitely recognized my tendency to leave the supporting characters pretty flat, in the literary sense, haha. I think I need to work on the balance between motive and character development and the intended brevity. Chapters 1-4 have now been posted, and 5 is pending. 5 is more focused on the wife and a little bit of background there.

Funny thing, when I write in other contexts I have a tendency to be verbose but not when writing erotica. I've generally cranked these out in one sitting whoch may be part of it, my most recent one was in two as I was on a work trip and didn't have time to finish once I started.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks. I wish I could go back and tweak that without deleting and reposting. I read over it several times, but I guess when I know what I meant to write I can miss little things.

Just so you know, you can edit a story without deleting it. Submit a story with the new text, and the same title plus the word EDIT - and a Note to the Editor.

It takes longer than a normal submission (low priority for the site), but preserves all scores and comments. It doesn't get another run as a new story, though, and no-one but you will be notified.

While I'm saying this, I always suggest that you write another story rather than fuss with the last one. You get better stories far quicker if you do that.