Cheating Present Tense?

[lustychimera]

I have a quick question. I was looking at a passage I wrote, and I'm wondering if I'm cheating my present tense too much since the prose here doesn't follow a direct sequence of events. She references her reaction to something that happened, then I hop back and explain the action that occurred.

I don’t know. She might disagree, but that sure seems like what a relationship is all about.

Which is why her comment catches me so off guard.

We’re sitting on the edge of her bed, our bed. Nessa turns to me; she says to me, “Wrap your arms around me.”

If it was in past, I wouldn't worry about it since the narrator can tell the story in whatever order they want, but in my mind, present has always been like sitting in someone's brain and reading a scrolling marquee of their immediate thoughts as it happens. I love that, but I'm also wondering if I need to be stricter on my gramatical sequencing?

 

[VallesMarineris]

That is a bit confusing, though I'd like to see more context. Maybe directly address the reader:

So reader, what do you think? She might disagree . . .

You could invent a character you're addressing to make the transition a bit less meta.

VM

 

[lustychimera]

That is a bit confusing, though I'd like to see more context.

Sure, I would like to avoid meta, but here's some more context. It's something of a femdom story, and the character is surprised by the gentle intimacy of being asked to wrap her arms around the other girl since it's so out of character.

Also, I guess I can add that first paragraph to my question since it's the same thing. She reacts and then explains the sequence of events. I'm wondering if I'm writing present too much like past.

It’s not even the sex things that shift my perception. It’s the normal things. When some mayo leaks out of her sandwich and onto her hand, she absently pokes her finger into my mouth for me to lick it off. When she has an itch, even if she can reach it, I scratch it for her–sometimes without being asked. It’s like I’ve been around her so much, I just <i>know</i>. I don’t wait on her hand and foot. She’s not ordering me to fetch her a blanket or whatever. It’s more intimate than that. I’m her third arm or her eleventh toe.

I don’t know. She might disagree, but that sure seems like what an relationship is all about.

Which is why her comment catches me so off guard.

We’re sitting on the edge of her bed, <i>our</i> bed. Nessa turns to me; she says to me, “Wrap your arms around me.”

I’m thinking it’s something different, so I crawl around behind her so I can cup her breasts. Her nipples grow into my touch. I lightly massage my palms around just like she showed me on myself. I bite her shoulder. I think we’re getting into it, but she grabs my wrist and moves it down to her bare belly.

“No. Here,” she says.

Her voice is deader than usual.

“O-okay.” I merely hug her around the belly.

This feels weird. There’s no sensual stimulation in any of this. I lay my ear against her spine. Inside her body, I hear a rapid <i>ba-ba-bump, ba-ba-bump, bop-bop-ba-bump.</i> Her heartbeat is irregular.

She sniffles and scratches her nose, something she’s been doing a lot of lately. Then, softly, her fingers graze along the backside of my hand. She hugs me into her even tighter and just relishes there.

After some time, she cups my delicate hand and brings it to her lips. She kisses each of my fingers one by one. Nessa even nuzzles my hand into her cheek. Then she pats me twice and says, “That’s enough.”

I got a weird sickly feeling in my stomach as I crawl around and sit next to her again. It doesn’t feel icky like getting undressed in front of my friend or–oh Lord–the thing she did down below. Those things were both intimate in their own kind of way. This thing, kissing my fingers, it doesn’t feel right. It sickens me with a deeper kind of grossness.

 

[ElectricBlue]

@lustychimera

If it's present tense, do you really have that space in time for self-reflection? I would say you don't, not if you're in the moment.

I'm wondering if I'm writing present too much like past.

I think you are, yes.

 

[lustychimera]

@lustychimera

If it's present tense, do you really have that space in time for self-reflection? I would say you don't, not if you're in the moment.


I think you are, yes.

That's a good way to think about it.

Make me think I should use those moments of self reflection for when I want a real time pause between action beats.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I think a certain amount of self-reflection is okay. Present does highlight action, so you want to keep it flowing, but people do 'reflect' or at least have to weigh things up before reaching a decision. I might switch the order the sentences to say you were surprised after the suprise has happend, but even then, I wouldn't even notice it if you hadn't pointed it out (and have probably done similar things myself)

 

[Britva415]

I think it's fine the way it is. If, as you say, the first-person narrative is ideally something like a sequential stream of consciousness, the self-reflection happens when it happens, and your protagonist can just tell it.

 

[VallesMarineris]

Sure, I would like to avoid meta, but here's some more context. It's something of a femdom story, and the character is surprised by the gentle intimacy of being asked to wrap her arms around the other girl since it's so out of character.

Also, I guess I can add that first paragraph to my question since it's the same thing. She reacts and then explains the sequence of events. I'm wondering if I'm writing present too much like past.

Now that I see the extra context, I have no problem with the scene. Nor do I have a problem with your character's extended contemplations. You're just stretching the present. You could even slip into future tense: "Later, I'll wonder why Nessa was scratching her nose . . ."

(My only crit: in the last paragraph you slip into past tense: "got". Probably a typo.)

 

[SimonDoom]

If you are going to write in present tense, then you have to commit to it, or it doesn't make sense. Which means that everything that's happening and being thought must occur in the same time frame, one thing after another. If you don't want to tell the story that way, then don't consistently use present tense.

I assume sentence one is the most current timeline, and sentences 2 and 3 occur before that. There's nothing wrong with using past tense for 2 and 3 and then switching back to present tense.

 

[samhasstories]

I think your excerpt works just fine. When you're discussing things that aren't necessarily happening in this moment, it reads to me like you're describing trends, things that the characters might do repeatedly. Staying in present tense is appropriate there.

I also think it's fine to switch tenses when appropriate. If the bulk of your narrative is present tense, and for one reason or another your narrator starts to describe things that happened in the past, you can use past tense. It's the same as switching from past to past perfect - you're shifting to a tense relative to the one you're in. It can get confusing if the transitions are awkward, but that's true of anything. When done well your readers should be able to keep up. People reflect on the past - that's about as intrinsic to human nature as anything. I don't see any reason why you should avoid that impulse just because you're writing in present tense.