Bi Discussion: A Weekly Discussion Thread for Bis and Those That Love Them

[AlexBailey]

#5

Not exactly a question but an assignment!

https://thethreepennyguignol.com/2017/06/03/basically-straight/

I thought this was a good read and I'm curious about your thoughts!

"We’re too gay for the straights and too straight for the gays..."

Pssha! Yea. That hit home - story of my life! WTF?

I was a teenager who got crushes on boys and girls. I was femme and usually did a good job of hiding it. I had a hot girlfriend who saw it and dug me, but her religious dad told her to move on when he saw a picture of me in her cheerleader uniform.

Later I had a lesbian girlfriend and was a 'fag hag' who hung out with a 'pack o' dykes' - always on the edge of the scene but still out of place. I had a lot of bi girlfriends and a few boyfriends but I thought I needed to be straight to have a family... that blew up in my face.

I just recently came to grips with myself and who I really am. I'm a queer poly fetishists but I'm in a monogamous relationship. Lol. Go figure.

I spent a lot of time on the fence, not quite embracing or being true to myself, stuck in some middle ground. If I had it all to do over again I'd tell myself, "Don't stress so much. It's okay to make your own path." There would have been a few emotional dust ups, but they would have been on my own terms instead of feeling like I was barely hanging onto a crazy-ass ride.

I have an amazing family with open, loving, and self-supportive adult children - I don't really have any big regrets, just that I could have been nicer to myself.

Thanks for posting that article PLPeep.

 

[hotwords229_A]

This was a really good read!

I also questioned my bisexuality because I hadnt "gone that far" with another woman, or because the one time I tried to, I wasnt a fan...so that must mean I'm not really bi, right? And, can I truly call myself bisexual if I had never had an actual relationship with a woman before?

I am a classic overthinker, and I am also really bad about having that negative narrative running through my head all the time

BUT

I finally started to not worry so much about the label in the last year or two and just let myself...be...and that meant finally embracing all that I am, all my quirks and tendencies, both sexually and otherwise.
But, since we're discussing sexuality specifically here, let me say that when I worry less about what everyone else thinks/says/or perceives me to be, the happier I am.
Finding someone whose company you enjoy, who you respect, have great chemistry with, AND have those sexy fluttery feelings about is a rare gift, embrace it and stop worrying about defining it.

I wrote two paragraphs about why I think labels don’t work and then deleted it because what I wrote became a whole other thing.

This was said perfectly. I wish more people embraced this approach in every aspect of life.

 

[nostuff]

#5

Not exactly a question but an assignment!

https://thethreepennyguignol.com/2017/06/03/basically-straight/

I thought this was a good read and I'm curious about your thoughts!

I just don’t get it.

I have no problem labeling myself as bi, because that’s who I am. What I don’t understand is the obsession with those who think I’m either too straight or too gay. Fuck those assholes.

The only thing that matters is whether I’m comfortable in my own skin. And yes, I am.

 

[coati]

I am a classic overthinker, and I am also really bad about having that negative narrative running through my head all the time

I appreciate the work that it takes to overcome this tendency. What has helped me the most is appreciating that genuine intimacy is a refuge from the world of labels and conflict, no matter what gender orientations are involved.

A lot of folks spend way more time thinking about how their sexual orientation might be perceived by others than they do actually being intimate with others. This is equivalent to someone who wants to be an accomplished musician, but never practices.

Social media tends to reinforce various forms of "mental masturbation". Some people justify their time spent discussing bi liberation on social media as building a refuge for bi people, but too much time on social media can also cause paralysis in personal development.

It is so important to apply what you learn in your finest moments of intimacy in your communications with people you encounter in real life. Practicing bisexual and pansexual people are in a good position to demonstrate the irrelevancy of gender orientation to the joy of discarding labels, dropping defenses, and merging with another person during an intimate encounter. These encounters need not always be explicitly sexual, but the common need for intimacy will always apply.

 

[GentlemanJedi63]

Totally understand

Those gay and bi Variations stories always made me cum so hard, but I didn't want to admit it.

It took me about 20 years to finally admit those feelings to myself, and about another 10 to realize I was slowly accepting those desires.

 

[coati]

This is really good! Thank you for sharing that.

I do absolutely agree that the most I feel at ease with myself is when I have connected with someone intimately and I just feel instead of overthinking things. Just having that kind of connection is important, for sure. Maybe more so for people who are looking for intimacy vs the ones who have said their interactions with the same sex are purely for sexual release and not romance or intimacy though?

Yes, I agree, more so for for people seeking actual intimacy. Some people don't even know what intimacy is.

Intimacy is similar to doing a re-boot on your computer, because it can give you a brand new start. With intimacy, you drop all your internal chatter, get down to your basic need for connection, and fuse with someone else. All that objectification and "rugged individualist" crap is cast aside, and you achieve liberation through union, not from desperately clinging to individualism.

For those seeking pure sex or "body part" fetishes, this liberation does not usually happen, and within a very short period of time, they feel unfulfilled again. Because sex is treated as yet another commodity in many societies, people are conned into thinking that lots of sex equals lots of happiness. Not necessarily true. Sex without intimacy can leave you feeling hollow and alone.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I appreciate the work that it takes to overcome this tendency. What has helped me the most is appreciating that genuine intimacy is a refuge from the world of labels and conflict, no matter what gender orientations are involved.

This is beautiful and really perfectly put.

 

[AlexBailey]

For those seeking pure sex or "body part" fetishes, this liberation does not usually happen, and within a very short period of time, they feel unfulfilled again. Because sex is treated as yet another commodity in many societies, people are conned into thinking that lots of sex equals lots of happiness. Not necessarily true. Sex without intimacy can leave you feeling hollow and alone.

This make me think of how some people can have full on penetrative sex and other sexual activity but do not feel comfortable kissing. I’ve never paid for sex but I hear this is common with prostitution. I guess I can hear the point of it but it makes no emotional sense to me. I’d far rather kiss without fucking than the other way around.

It would be like getting a home run without ever touching first base - but that’s the thing about humans, we’re all individuals - just like everyone else.

 

[Crios]

Top/Bottom/Vers

Morning!

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm a bottom. Did a (very) little bit of research and found this article about a recent study that talks about the factors that might influence a man to be top, bottom or vers.

https://jezebel.com/born-to-bottom-researchers-report-biological-correlati-1794233584

Anyway, food for thought. What has been your experience? Do the factors mentioned in this article - siblings, handedness, childhood gender conformity -- have a bearing in your sex position of choice?

 

[starfish71]

Morning!

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm a bottom. Did a (very) little bit of research and found this article about a recent study that talks about the factors that might influence a man to be top, bottom or vers.

https://jezebel.com/born-to-bottom-researchers-report-biological-correlati-1794233584

Anyway, food for thought. What has been your experience? Do the factors mentioned in this article - siblings, handedness, childhood gender conformity -- have a bearing in your sex position of choice?

Interesting read… would like to read the studies mentioned as well, but not paying for them…

Edit: I don’t seem to fit the markers they identify for a bottom… I’m right handed, no older brothers, no gender conformity issues as a child (none now either really, well, other than lingerie)

 

[AlexBailey]

Morning!

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm a bottom. Did a (very) little bit of research and found this article about a recent study that talks about the factors that might influence a man to be top, bottom or vers.

https://jezebel.com/born-to-bottom-researchers-report-biological-correlati-1794233584

Anyway, food for thought. What has been your experience? Do the factors mentioned in this article - siblings, handedness, childhood gender conformity -- have a bearing in your sex position of choice?

That was a cool read. Thanks!


".... it starts to help answer the question that many queer people ask of themselves: “How did I come to be the way that I am?”

Other than not being left handed, all of the other criteria for my proclivities are accurately represented here - I’ve got an older brother and sister, childhood gender conformity issues, I’m a complete switch but may be more of a sub in a different relationship…

 

[Crios]

That was a cool read. Thanks!


".... it starts to help answer the question that many queer people ask of themselves: “How did I come to be the way that I am?”

Other than not being left handed, all of the other criteria for my proclivities are accurately represented here - I’ve got an older brother and sister, childhood gender conformity issues, I’m a complete switch but may be more of a sub in a different relationship…

I've re-read the article a couple of times and figure out I don't match any of the criteria for bottoms. Weird. I'm right handed, strictly followed gender norms in my childhood and I have an older brother but also two older sisters, as well as 2 younger sisters and 3 younger brothers.

That's okay though...I know what I am

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#7

What kind of negativity, judgement, or resistance have you experienced because of your sexual orientation? Do you experience this more from a certain type of person? Had it impacted you seriously?

 

[coati]

#7

What kind of negativity, judgement, or resistance have you experienced because of your sexual orientation? Do you experience this more from a certain type of person? Had it impacted you seriously?

Both in real life and on-line, I have occasionally experienced demeaning comments, but only from the most homophobic segments of society-- usually from men, but occasionally from women, all of whom seem to have one thing in common, a white-knuckle grip on trying to control the behaviors others, even if those behaviors are not an actual threat to them.

Starting when I was a young adult during the cultural revolution of the 1960s and 70s, some people would openly denigrate men and women who showed any sign of straying from rigid appearance norms or behavior norms. Back in those days, hippy men were like brothers. We shared resources at all levels, including with our friends who got drafted into the military. I can remember the extreme homophobic jeering I received (just for having long hair) from sailors on a Naval Base when I would drive a friend to the Base following his leave time. That was like pack behavior. Another time, an older woman at a bus stop who had been staring at me simply could not contain herself and burst out with a public tirade against men whose "face looks like a woman's you-know-what."

Both back then, and today, most of this overt public denigration comes from right-wing homophobes, but occasionally I observe a more covert form of denigration from left-wing homophobes.

You can observe various forms of denigration toward non-straight men and women on Lit's General Board and Politics Board. These days I see much more of it on line than in person, because the on-line forums generally provide an anonymous cover for expressing hate and resentment. I have received comments on Lit that remind me of the demeaning comments I experienced when simply walking around with other long-haired men during the 1960s. For the most rigid of homophobic people, a man expressing any sign of not being straight can be considered "fair game" for denigration.

 

[cubbyfire04]

#7

What kind of negativity, judgement, or resistance have you experienced because of your sexual orientation? Do you experience this more from a certain type of person? Had it impacted you seriously?

I found out who my real friends were. Fortunately I already knew prior to coming out which of them would be judgemental or whatever about it, so I wasn't butthurt about that.

I've actually received more judgement from gay people rather than straight concerning my open bisexuality. That negativity is typically in the form of disbelief that I'm not a closeted gay guy trying to hide something. My gay friends who know me well aren't those in question. They've seen me date and have casual relationships with many different people. But I've had numerous encounters with gay men who don't believe me when I say I'm openly bisexual. They just assume I'm a closeted married dude, and I'm often dismissed as a viable partner beyond a few casual hookups. But then again... At least they're easy to filter out of my life too.