BDSM: Questions and Answers

[wizdomme]

I do not understand the importance of "coming out" with the BDSM lifestyle to family and friends.

I think it's like anything else: the individuals it's important to either way are going to have their own individual reasons. Cymbidia gave some very good ones as did BlondGirl and SteamyChik - though I think many of BlondGirl's aren't necessarily exclusive to BDSM people (specially about marriage - there's lots of wedded bliss among D/s and BDSM couples!)

I think it could be needlessly disturbing to family members sometimes, especially parents, but every family is different. I know that mine is no more interested in what I do behind closed doors than I am in what they do, and I know there are a lot of families who are the opposite. Different strokes and all that.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around BDSM and how it plays out on a daily basis, in how you carry yourself

Same as everyone else? A lot of lifestyle dedicated submissives hold important, dominant jobs and vice versa. There's every range of degree in people doing this: from BDSM games in the bedroom only to full-time 24/7 arrangements; from committed monogamous relationships to rotating casual play partners; from male/female couples to same sex or bi, threesomes or more. And we all have the same daily trials and triumphs as anyone else, and we all have lives outside of the bedroom (dungeon?) as well as inside it.

The more you try to figure out any global truths about D/s or BDSM, the more confounded you get. It's as varied and individual as the thumbprints of the people doing it. The people who spout there's only one way to do it "right" are generally the ones who know the least about it. Like the old joke goes:

Rule #1: The dom/me is always right.
Rule #2: If the dom/me is wrong, see Rule #1

Sure, there's a ring of truth there, maybe the closest thing there is to a global truth but it won't hold up for long if taken at face value alone as unbending gospel. Humans have moods, limits, bad days, family/money/job troubles, etc. no matter what their kink, and those things affect relationships no matter what type.

(Still, a sense of humor can come in handy at the oddest times!)

 

[wizdomme]

p.s.

Many of us have children, jobs and other public activities where coming out about BDSM would ruin our reputations, get children taken away from us

It's also highly illegal in a lot of states and countries!

Not to mention bigger potential problems.. worse case scenario yes, but a fellow named Oliver Jovanovic is currently waiting for yet another trial in New York, in hopes of finally reversing a 15 year to LIFE sentence for what appears to be, by all accounts, a weekend of consensual bondage, biting and wax dripping:
http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/jovanovic.shtml

And there are other dangers also, where "coming out" ceases to be a choice:
http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/cold.shtml

I just wish everyone who got into this would do their homework and be careful in their choices.. but I also wish I'd win the lottery one of these days...

 

[RisiaSkye]

Another site to check out...

I stumbled across this one, a monthly e-zine for the D/S crowd. They're having many of the same discussions over there, and their opinions are well reasoned and worth a look (in most cases.) Also some good links for toys, stories, et al.

I've extended the welcome over there, we may hear from a few of them eventually.

In the meantime, check out their site:http://www.bdsmlife.net/dsworld/main.html

Take care all,
Risia

 

[WriterDom]

The Oliver Jovanovic case is scary. No matter what goes on between a sub and a Dom, if it's done in private it comes down to her word against his. And she has the marks as physical evidence. I can see them doing a search and seizing all the toys. Not to mention all the kinky things they might find on the computer. In this conservative community where I live, I'd be guilty before it ever came to trial.

Thanks for the link, Risia. I stumbled upon it a while back but forgot about it. Do they have a discussion board? I didn't see one. I wondered how you extended them a welcome.

 

[PacificBlue]

Do most of you meet your playmates online?

 

[Ticklish Girl]

First let me say that I love this thread. I've gotten a lot of useful and interesting info from it. And now it's my turn to pick your brains.

For a long time I've fantasized about being tied up and tickled mercilessly (hence my screen name ). After a lot of searching, I finally met someone who wants to help me fulfill my fantasy. He loves tickling as much as I love being tickled. We've talked about meeting for a long, real-life tickling session, and it's getting closer to becoming a reality. I have no experience in being tied or tickled, and so this will be my first time (he's done this a couple of times before).

Okay, so here is my question. A big part of his fantasy is to have his ticklee secured, but still able to squirm and struggle helplessly. What kinds of restraints would best accomplish this effect? He told me that he used neckties the last time he tried this, but the ticklee broke them during her struggles. I want to make this a really memorable, exciting experience for both of us, and I also don't want to wreck the moment by prematurely getting loose.

 

[SteamyChik]

Ticklish Girl...

A few ideas and suggestions:

Please have a safe call established. Please make sure you meet this guy in a public place the first few times. Please be careful!

About restraints: I would suggest buying an inexpensive pair of wrist and ankle restraints from online or a local adult store. You might be more comfy with velcro the first time although they are next to impossible to get out of quickly. Do not use handcuffs because they can cause nerve damage to your thumbs etc during struggling. Neckties are not a good idea because they can tighten up on your wrists or ankles cutting off blood flow.

You can attach the restraints to the bed with rope, maybe the tickling man knows a few good boy scout knots Just leave as much play in the ropes as ya'll think will make for a wiggle.

Let us know how it goes! My Master loves to tickle and I hate it! So if you are ever in Dallas, please look us up, I'll be happy to volunteer you! LOL

 

[cymbidia]

Excellent advice, as usual, Steamy.

PB? I've met quite a few partners online, yes. As a matter of fact, MS and i met via an alt.com ad. If you're very careful, if you word your ads correctly and screen replies carefully, you can meet people who will be a wonderful addition to your life from online sources. However, please screen online prospectives warily and carefully via predefined criteria before you ever, ever go meet anyone from this venue.

These "criteria" can be *anything* that will help you know him BEFORE you agree/arrange to meet him face-to-face. I have used stuff like this: Where does 'sense of humor' rank, for example, as far as his list of desireable characteristics for a partner? How important are children to his life plans? Has he ever had a dog and what happened to it? Where would he live if real life concerns were no object? What's his favorite dessert? His five favorite net sites? Answers to questions like these, asked via the early stages of an email geting-to-know-you exchange, can tell you far more about who he is than some rehearsed ad reply.

Online is a good avenue to meet like-minded people. PB, if you're careful. You **MUST** be careful, though. Let me know if you want more info on this. I've got about 7 years worth of meeting people from online sources of experience behind me. It's all been good, too, except for one - and i leanred a few valuable lessons from that one, too, so it wasn't a total loss.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Thanks for the link, Risia. I stumbled upon it a while back but forgot about it. Do they have a discussion board? I didn't see one. I wondered how you extended them a welcome.

There is, I think, a link to a moderated discussion area, like a much reduced version of the General Board. But, I just used the e-mail contact link to send them a link to the site and an invite for any of their writers to stop by, if they're in the neighborhood.

They aren't the world's best source of info, but their writers have a nice authenticity--they don't make themselves out to be experts so much as regular people figuring out how to lead an unusual life. I respect that.

 

[cymbidia]

Here's a link to those fit-fot-Lit pics i've been whispering about. They involve graphic piercing by MS of both himself and me so don't go look if you don't want to see, okay?

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?postid=706828&t=1238#post706828

There aren't as many here as we took, nor as many as we would have liked to post. Some are far too personal to post and some just didn't turn out. However, i think we learned a little lesson about the consequences of forgetting the digital cam though.

 

[Merelan]

Wow.... holy. Whew. I simply say thank you for sharing.

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Re: Ticklish Girl...

A few ideas and suggestions:

Please have a safe call established. Please make sure you meet this guy in a public place the first few times. Please be careful!

About restraints: I would suggest buying an inexpensive pair of wrist and ankle restraints from online or a local adult store. You might be more comfy with velcro the first time although they are next to impossible to get out of quickly. Do not use handcuffs because they can cause nerve damage to your thumbs etc during struggling. Neckties are not a good idea because they can tighten up on your wrists or ankles cutting off blood flow.

You can attach the restraints to the bed with rope, maybe the tickling man knows a few good boy scout knots Just leave as much play in the ropes as ya'll think will make for a wiggle.

Let us know how it goes! My Master loves to tickle and I hate it! So if you are ever in Dallas, please look us up, I'll be happy to volunteer you! LOL

Thank you for the advice, Steamy. (Volunteer me, eh? LOL!) I agree 100%: it's very important to be careful. I've met this guy in public 3 times (there will soon be a 4th), and we've spent a total of about 8 hours in each other's company. I feel very comfortable with him. We've had long conversations on a variety of subjects, and no red flags have popped up so far. He even agrees with me on the necessity of a safe word.

I appreciate your advice on restraints. I'm definitely going to use it. And with luck, I will soon have an interesting tickling story to tell.

 

[SteamyChik]

Ticklish Girl's tickling tale

I can't wait to read it. Isn't it odd all the forms this life brings? I hate being tickled but I love being cut. I can't stant wax but pierce me any ole time. LOL. How strange!

 

[PacificBlue]

Online is a good avenue to meet like-minded people. PB, if you're careful. You **MUST** be careful, though. Let me know if you want more info on this. I've got about 7 years worth of meeting people from online sources of experience behind me. It's all been good, too, except for one - and i leanred a few valuable lessons from that one, too, so it wasn't a total loss.

More input please! Pro's, Con's? Warning signs to watch for? If things hadn't worked out with MS would you try again online? Those are all I can think of right now I'll probably have more questions. When have I not had more questions. hee, hee, hee

 

[Guest]

More input please! Pro's, Con's? Warning signs to watch for? If things hadn't worked out with MS would you try again online? Those are all I can think of right now I'll probably have more questions. When have I not had more questions. hee, hee, hee

The is some good info on page 3 of this thread if you haven't read it.

It's called the The Online Predator

 

[PacificBlue]

I've read it. I'm not sure I'll meet anyone else from online again, ever. Been there, done that... not sure it's such a great idea for me. I'm just interested in getting some different takes on the subject. I see Cymbidia as someone who has her head on straight and thinks things through pretty clearly. Cymbidia can also cut through the bullshit quicker than a wink. I envy that.

My point...if I ever had one...the more information I have the better prepared I'll be if the situation ever arises again in the future. Never say never...unless your talking to Never and then it's usually polite to not just say "Hey You!"

 

[cymbidia]

More input please! Pro's, Con's? Warning signs to watch for? If things hadn't worked out with MS would you try again online?

PB, like everyone, there are days when i feel i own the world and am standing atop it with a big smile on my face, and days when i feel the world is crushing the life from me and i'll never get out from under it. I try to stay away from my puter when i'm down low though, so my good days are disproportionaltely represented here, i think. However, thank you sincerely for the lovely kudos. THAT helps me up to a lovely top-part-of-the-world feeling!

Okay. Pro's. Con's. Stuff to watch out for. Would i do it again if not for MS.

First, here are a few threads, old threads, to browse, if you wish. One deals with how to place personals ads and the other one how to be safe from an STD's perspective, once you find someone with whom you might want to have some intimate contact.

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=28211&highlight=personals

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=28151&highlight=personals

Pro's:
1. LOTS of potentials in the pool. MANY more than you could ever hope to meet by more conventional means.

2. You know a lot about a potential partner before you ever meet for that first cup of coffee in a Denney's. Therefore you're less likely to be wasting your time with someone who is a cat hated when you have seven cats, you know?

3. Time efficient. Search for a new partner at midnight while in your warmy jammies and sipping hot chocolate, if you wish.

Con's:
1. People lie. It mystifies me but people lie, BIG lies, in personals ads. Do they think no one will ever know that they're 55, not 35? Do they think that i'll not be able to tell by talking to them for 15 minutes that they've never actually used a flogger? Additionally, people lie to your face, too, but this has less to do with personals ads than it does with human nature. Also, men like worse than women - and i'm **NOT** man bashing. It's just that men (and it's a well-known fact) will do almost anything, say almost anything, to get laid.

Stuff to watch out for
1. Lies. If you do not want a married partner, for example, who is out fucking around behind his spouse's back without any intention of ever lettingher know about it, you have to be very clear in your ad that married men need not apply.

When they do, and they will (remember: men will do almost anything, say almost anything, to get laid.), you have to ascertain their marital status immediately, before your emotions are entwined in the guy, and send them on thier way.

"But that's sorta cruel and cold!" you might protest. "Can't i be nicer about it?"

No. You cannot be nicer. You can be polite. You can be pleasant to a point. But you cannot be nice to a married man who wants to fuck around with you while you, well, you're looking for something (and someone) entirely different. If you're nice, he'll think there's hope of getting laid and will redouble his efforts (remember: men will do almost anything, say almost anything, to get laid.).

I have a few tips for ascertaining their marital status, too, if it comes to that, okay?

2. Psycho's. Trust your gut instincts. Be very, very, exceedingly careful about being anywhere but in public with someone before you know him well. Make sure you spend LOTS of time getting to know him BEFORE you spend time in private with him ESPECIALLY if you're going to be bound in any way.

Trust is essential in all good human relationships and moreso, i think, between those of us who surrender ourselves physically into the care of another person - and then ask them to drop hot wax on us or use a flogger on us or push very sharp needles through our tender parts.

Without building that trust, the relationship is crippled and one-dimensional. And if he's a psycho, then you're more likely to end up hurt or dead.

Take time with someone new. Talk forever. Meet him at a public beach and walk - there's a sort of intimacy and privacy you'll share but you'll be safely in public view all the time, too.

There are more psycho's out there than we want to admit to.
Be safe.

Would i do the personals thing again if not for the miracle of MS in my life at a time when i never imagined such a relationship would ever exist for me?

Oh yes.
The "gee i hope i meet someone compatible in my everyday life" route isn't for me, i'm afraid. My sexual tastes are far too exacting, far too edgy, to allow me any reasonable hope of meeting someone at Starbuck's, for example, and striking up a convo over latte's that eventually leads to both of us realizing we're interested in strict bondage and sharp needles. you can see, perhaps, that my needs required me to be more focused in my pursuit of partners?

You? Well, only you can answer that, darlin'.

It's hard for me to imagine why someone *wouldn't* give personals a really honest try, though. As long as you screen all answers carefully, as long as you *KNOW* what you're seeking in a partner and are willing to cull all potentials accordingly (even that really cute one... ~sigh~), and as long as you're almost-paranoid in your STD's cautions, you could find the love of your life out there in the personals ads.

I did.

 

[cymbidia]

Dom/sub…what are you?

Here’s a discussion we had on the GB way back in April. It was a very good discussion for the most part, and went for quite a while. This thread contains a lot of good, basic info relating to the lifestyle, info expressed over the course of the five days the thread stayed alive. You might want to have to look if you’ve got that kinda free time. I think it’s worth the reading.

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=28874&perpage=20&pagenumber=1

 

[Never]

PacificBlue:
"My point...if I ever had one...the more information I have the better prepared I'll be if the situation ever arises again in the future. Never say never...unless your talking to Never and then it's usually polite to not just say "Hey You!" "

*my ears are burning*

 

[Subdude]

Dom/sub…what are you?

You're right Cymbidia, what an interesting thread! I asked the same basic question the other day and got some interesting answers, but that went on for a while. It was fun to be able to go back to something that went on before I found this site.

 

[Subdude]

solid gold

Hey! As a "newly registered" I got to vote again & this site is all gold stars now. (No more "black & blue") (sorry!)

 

[BlondGirl]

Cym,

I am with you on that whole "people will lie to get whatever they can" theory.

There was one man who I talked to on line who ASSURRED me repeatedly over and over that he was single and completely uanttached.
We finally met.
First off, he makes a racist comment about an event in my town. That made him a loser but I am gracious and thought it would not hurt to try to salvage the evening.
Second, he talks about his wife that he is divorcing that wants to get back together now that she is sick and seriously ill. THEN he talks about his girlfriend who wants to get married and have children.
I put about 4 shots down to keep me from laughing out loud at the guy.
After spending an hour with him, I was completely unsure how he managed to get both a wife and a girlfriend.....
(It just proves my theory that women will do anything to get laid just like men will.......)

 

[WriterDom]

I've found submissive women to be a lot more honest than their nilla sisters. I've been lied to about marital status several times, age several times, and twice I've had women send me pictures of themselves only to find out later it was their nieces.

 

[Blackbich]

Cym,

I am with you on that whole "people will lie to get whatever they can" theory.

(It just proves my theory that women will do anything to get laid just like men will.......)

I agree on both accounts. However, I think that with women, it's mainly about having someone, anyone, to be with. Sort of like that movie, Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts. There are alot of women willing to do 'what it takes' to ensure they have a man in their life, even if it means settling for someone that doesn't make them happy or mistreats them. With men, it's more about about getting into someone's pants, period. Not to mention there are some people who couldn't tell the truth if their lives depended on it.

 

[WriterDom]

LOL.



With men, it's more about about getting into someone's pants, period

I perfer the other 3 weeks of the month