A question for the BDSM crowd.

[LincolnDuncan]

I'm a straight male with no dom/sub experience. I'm primarily interested in what happens to gay and lesbian couples when both are either dom or sub. How does that get worked out? I watched the original L word and there was a scene with Shane who was dom and was getting sexual with another woman. Shane was incredulous and said, "You're trying to top me?! So, my question is, this common and what is the deciding factor.

Thanking anyone in advance who provides me an honest non snarky reply

 

[seela]

I’m not a lesbian, but I don’t think it would be that different than with a straight couple when both are either sub or dom.

In a straight coupling, they can figure out a compromise like maybe take turns in being in their preferred roles, or they can get a third party to play with together as their dom/sub, or they can both get their d/s needs met with other people and it’s not something they do together, or they can both just not do anything d/s and instead focus on other things together. Or they can break up and both find a new partner.

How it gets worked out? Ideally with a discussion, continuous communication. Some people cheat, too.

Just because someone is dom or sub, it doesn’t mean that it’s allllllllll they are with every single person. I’m sure there are people who are like that, but most people can and do enjoy also things that aren’t in the d/s realm. If you’re having sex with someone and they’re not into being topped, then you’d just do other fun sexy things.

 

[LincolnDuncan]

I’m not a lesbian, but I don’t think it would be that different than with a straight couple when both are either sub or dom.

In a straight coupling, they can figure out a compromise like maybe take turns in being in their preferred roles, or they can get a third party to play with together as their dom/sub, or they can both get their d/s needs met with other people and it’s not something they do together, or they can both just not do anything d/s and instead focus on other things together. Or they can break up and both find a new partner.

How it gets worked out? Ideally with a discussion, continuous communication. Some people cheat, too.

Just because someone is dom or sub, it doesn’t mean that it’s allllllllll they are with every single person. I’m sure there are people who are like that, but most people can and do enjoy also things that aren’t in the d/s realm. If you’re having sex with someone and they’re not into being topped, then you’d just do other fun sexy things.

I appreciate your thoughtful response. I was thinking more about the first time being with someone. I'm not curios about heteros since I am, and I know that straight couples practice BSPM but that doesn't interest me.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Everything Seela said, but also: if both people are 100% dom, or 100% sub, I suspect they're a lot less likely to be forming a couple together in the first place. It's not impossible, people get into relationships for all kinds of reasons, but without being compatible in that dimension the chances of chemistry are less.

 

[seela]

I appreciate your thoughtful response. I was thinking more about the first time being with someone. I'm not curios about heteros since I am, and I know that straight couples practice BSPM but that doesn't interest me.

Well, when I’ve been with women, the process has been the same as with men. I don’t think it really differs that much based on being straight or not.

With a more planned meeting, you talk about what you’re into and go from there. If you haven’t discussed BDSM before ending up in bed, you don’t get full on BDSM. It’s really not that different than a straight one night stand might be.

Or you might negotiate some things while having sex, although it is not an entirely unproblematic way to approach this. You might say that “you can be rougher with me” or “can I pull your hair” or “can you pinch and pull on my nipples while you go down on me” or you might place your hand over theirs and show what you’d like to have done and again go from there.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I appreciate your thoughtful response. I was thinking more about the first time being with someone. I'm not curios about heteros since I am, and I know that straight couples practice BSPM but that doesn't interest me.

I never saw more than the stray episode of L word, so I’m not sure I understand the question fully, but the way you emphasized gay/lesbian and first time meeting I wonder if you are thinking of something like the handkerchief code?

 

[LincolnDuncan]

The L Word was good until the last season. There was a character named Shane who was clearly a top or dom. There was a scene with another woman who was a guest on the show. I don't recall if that character's status as dom/sub was as clearly defined. They became intimate and suddenly, the woman said to Shane, you're trying to top me? Shane was response was You're trying to top me?!!! It's not a big deal, just something I've been curious about. I have friends and relatives who are gay and lesbian but it seems like too personal a question to ask them. Also someone needs to come up with better words than top or bottom since they don't seem to fit perfectly with all gay men or with lesbians.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

I'm a straight male with no dom/sub experience. I'm primarily interested in what happens to gay and lesbian couples when both are either dom or sub. How does that get worked out? I watched the original L word and there was a scene with Shane who was dom and was getting sexual with another woman. Shane was incredulous and said, "You're trying to top me?! So, my question is, this common and what is the deciding factor.

Thanking anyone in advance who provides me an honest non snarky reply

I don’t know any dominants that play with other dominants. They may play with a switch. That might lead to what you mentioned. Most call that topping from the bottom.