New Story Feedback - Awakening Michelle Ch 01

Hello Lit! I'm new to posting a story and I was hoping to get some feedback on what I did wrong and what I did right on a new story that I recently submitted. I'm pleased with the first day's votes and favorites but looking at what (and I'm sure there is a substantial amount of this) I can improve.

As an aside what resources would be available to better hone my use of the written language. I feel I probably downright abuse the English written word and would like to improve (write more!).

I digress, the story is a short introductory story of some key characters in what I'm hoping will be a multi chapter adventure into a married couple exploring the swinging scene. I myself am not a swinger though I wrote the characters as where I'd like to see me and my wife go. I wanted to have some background into Mike and his internal dialog but not overwhelm the reader with too many facts to remember.

The link to the story is https://www.literotica.com/s/awakening-michelle-ch-01-intro.

I plan on issuing new chapters that are a bit longer than this initial introduction and dives deeper into the sexual interactions. I want to paint a descriptive picture of what the narrator is experiencing through their senses and their internal thoughts through the process. However, I'd like to make rounded characters that aren't too unrealistic but provide an outlet for the fantasies of the reader.

Thanks for the read and I appreciate any feedback. All I ask is that the feedback be more descriptive than "The story sucks, give it up and try another hobby." I apologize that I've assaulted your eyes with my very first story but WHAT can I improve? I posted the story here because I respect the community and respect the opinions of everyone. Well, maybe not the trolls. F*ck the trolls

You have a long preamble that really doesn't explain much. The story really starts when you drive to swingers club. You could cut everything out before that and not lose much.

As the story is told from first person, I would have liked a lot more explanation of Mike's motives. He wants to join the swinging club because he wants to share Michelle with another man.

"There have been times where I've day dreamed about sharing Michelle with another man. The thought of two of us running our hands up and down her body. Giving her our undivided attention is a huge turn on for me. I would love to experience giving her our undivided attention and letting her get all the sexual pleasure she can handle. She's got the most delicious sex and the thought of another man tasting that while I'm gently sucking on her breasts, slowly biting her nipples is immensely arousing. Add to that the feeling of me deep inside her while another man is kissing on her neck and sending goose bumps up her back, she likes that by the way, is enough to push me to the edge. Finally, watching her climax with her nails dug into the chest of another man while I'm standing behind her and tweaking her nipples can usually get me to cum."

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I don't understand why a guy would want this. Sex with his wife and another woman? Hell, yeah! Being there while another guy fucks his wife to a climax? No. To me, it's against the basic psychology of every guy. Just saying you want this isn't very enlightening to me.

In terms of writing errors, you did fine. Nothing really noticeable to me.

Edit: The amount of detail Alyssa provided wasn't realistic to me. It was like she was reciting a LitE story.

8letters said:

I don't understand why a guy would want this. Sex with his wife and another woman? Hell, yeah! Being there while another guy fucks his wife to a climax? No. To me, it's against the basic psychology of every guy. Just saying you want this isn't very enlightening to me.

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8letters, just because you don't have this kink, doesn't mean you can speak on behalf of all men. I don't have this kink either, but i know someone who does, intensely. I send him little cuck vignettes every now and then, it gets him off, big time.

It's the same as you writing 18 year old characters all the time. I don't understand that either, but it doesn't make it wrong, doesn't make it right. Different strokes for different folks.

Thanks for the feedback! That seems to be the most common criticism is the opening description. In hindsight I should have sprinkled in the weight loss, the transformations for both of them physically, etc. And I made the mistake of trying to paint to clear of a picture rather than letting the reader evolve their own images of the characters.

I dive a bit more into some of the motives in chapter 2 but I'll leave that to the next installment. As far as the fantasy of seeing her with another man that is actually a fantasy of mine. Do I want to have a FFM? Oh hell yes. But I'd also love to have a MFM. Not in the bisexual sense but in the spitroasting kind.

I hear your issue with Alyssa. I was afraid of that. When I re-read it looking for errors I said the same thing to myself. I was afraid if I made it like a person would describe it, it would be too short. In my own real life experience people leave alot of blanks to be filled in but I was afraid that would be lost in written dialog. I do this more in the second chapter, although it is written outside of dialog and more of narrator observation "I slide my hand up and down his shaft and I feel every wrinkle and vein as my palm moves over his soft skin."

Thank you so much for the insight and I'll make sure to take it into consideration on the next installment.

electricblue66 said:

8letters, just because you don't have this kink, doesn't mean you can speak on behalf of all men. I don't have this kink either, but i know someone who does, intensely. I send him little cuck vignettes every now and then, it gets him off, big time.

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I didn't say that someone couldn't have this desire, just that I thought it was unusual enough that it needs some background.

When I read about Mike's desire, I thought that the obvious way for the story line to go is for him being cuckold and loving it. There are lots of people who love those stories, but I think they are LW readers. Not sure how the Group Sex crowd would like that.

SeanEdward said:

I dive a bit more into some of the motives in chapter 2 but I'll leave that to the next installment. As far as the fantasy of seeing her with another man that is actually a fantasy of mine. Do I want to have a FFM? Oh hell yes. But I'd also love to have a MFM. Not in the bisexual sense but in the spitroasting kind.

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To me, there's a huge difference between having a fantasy about a kink and being so obsessed with a kink that you take steps that you think are risky to your marriage to make it happen. To me, Mike should be self-aware enough to realize that telling his MFM desire to a complete stranger in front of his I'm-a-one-man-woman wife is going to sound a little out there.

SeanEdward said:

I hear your issue with Alyssa. I was afraid of that. When I re-read it looking for errors I said the same thing to myself. I was afraid if I made it like a person would describe it, it would be too short.

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Another thing with Alyssa's story is that there is so much detail about what happens after the other husband starts kissing her neck and rubbing her tits, but there's no detail about how she and the other husband get to that point in front of her husband and the other wife.

I would like to say - and I hope this isn't too vague - that I enjoy the level of descriptive detail that you are bringing to your writing: not too much, not too little. It's not burdensome, meaning some writers seem to get obsessively lost in details, so that their story arch and energy stalls. You seem to have avoided that, and your narrative moves along at a nice pace.

I hope you don't mind this comment, since I know you wanted specific feedback; nevertheless, I noticed most posts were about plot and characters, so perhaps a more general comment about your writing style and aptitude isn't out of place. Good luck with your re-writes; remember, most of all, to enjoy writing!