Would appreciate some feedback on a new story

[Mericalovess]

Broken Salvation

A longer story than what I normally put out, it's a story about a girl who learns about love and smoking from her priest at a new church. All feedback is welcome. Thank you!

 

[Anton25]

I read yours if u read mine

https://literotica.com/s/sex-for-donation

 

[Anton25]

And tell me what u think .,

 

[JaxonHill]

Broken Salvation

A longer story than what I normally put out, it's a story about a girl who learns about love and smoking from her priest at a new church. All feedback is welcome. Thank you!

So. I've read chapter 1.

Pros:
The premise is fun, and I enjoy the idea of it
I like Julia's character. She exists for sure.
The story is well written and easy to follow. I scanned the additional chapters to get a sense of where the story is headed, and I think there many people who will enjoy it. I like that you're slowly heading down the erotic path. It does build very nicely.

Cons:
Julia needs more reasons to be drawn to the Priest of their new church. She's too quick to acquiesce to his moral manipulations and requests. I'm sure there could be a good reason for it, but I don't feel that one was provided, and it seems out of character for Julia to just go with it.

Points to highlight:
You occasionally flip between first person and third person. I struggle with that myself in my own writing. But it is distracting. Pick one

Suggestions:
Perhaps you could deepen the Priests' moral convoluted-ness. Perhaps instead of smoking a cigarette, he's smoking marijuana because it enhances his connection to the spiritual realm (just an example). Or he's watching an action movie which contains explicit violence so he can better understand what the Israelite's experienced as they took over Israel. (just another example)

My Bias:
I recognize that my feedback is driven by my bias to want more complicated characters. I do also know that simple (sometimes silly) reasoning exists and people definitely do it. But I just don't personally find it compelling.

 

[Mericalovess]

So. I've read chapter 1.

Pros:
The premise is fun, and I enjoy the idea of it
I like Julia's character. She exists for sure.
The story is well written and easy to follow. I scanned the additional chapters to get a sense of where the story is headed, and I think there many people who will enjoy it. I like that you're slowly heading down the erotic path. It does build very nicely.

Cons:
Julia needs more reasons to be drawn to the Priest of their new church. She's too quick to acquiesce to his moral manipulations and requests. I'm sure there could be a good reason for it, but I don't feel that one was provided, and it seems out of character for Julia to just go with it.

Points to highlight:
You occasionally flip between first person and third person. I struggle with that myself in my own writing. But it is distracting. Pick one

Suggestions:
Perhaps you could deepen the Priests' moral convoluted-ness. Perhaps instead of smoking a cigarette, he's smoking marijuana because it enhances his connection to the spiritual realm (just an example). Or he's watching an action movie which contains explicit violence so he can better understand what the Israelite's experienced as they took over Israel. (just another example)

My Bias:
I recognize that my feedback is driven by my bias to want more complicated characters. I do also know that simple (sometimes silly) reasoning exists and people definitely do it. But I just don't personally find it compelling.

Thanks so much for the feedback! It's really appreciated.