Mental Illness

desertslave said:

{Deep breath}

I don't know why, but I need to get this "out there" someplace and I'm not feeling brave enough to do it in front of my friends on Facebook. I hope this helps someone else, which is why I'm writing at all.

I didn't have Mother's Day this year. Very early in the morning I attempted to check out with an overdose of painkillers (ironic?) and failed spectacularly. I laid down, intending not to wake up, but a few hours later I heard voices (the real kind), woke up feeling unwell but obviously not dead, and asked my son's friend to please take me to the ER. I spent most of the day there, got the lovely charcoal cocktail (not), and got transferred to inpatient treatment in the evening.

At first I was really scared. I read "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" in high school; I thought I knew how it would work. I was so wrong! The staff was very kind and involved, the other patients rapidly became 'family' to me. Patients had a frequent turnover, so there were always some about to leave and some who were brand new. Alone-time was fairly limited (and a very good thing). There were groups in the morning and afternoon, plus fun times doing art-ish stuff or typical group games like Apples to Apples. By midweek I was getting my sense of humor back and had the nerve to suggest that they need Cards Against Humanity in the collection. (I am, seriously, going to sort through our unused collection of games and donate some new ones, plus some books.)

I learned so much, both from my shrink and staff and other patients. Some of them really touched my heart, and took me out of my own head enough to want to reach out to them instead. The most important thing I learned will probably seem obvious to those who are 'well' in a mental sense...no matter how dark and hopeless things seem to be, there are people who care, people who want to help you, and chances are very good that life isn't as bad as you think it is. Depression makes your own brain lie to you in some incredibly insidious ways.

I got a new (improved? uhhh, not so much) possible diagnosis: I might be bipolar, but the doc there felt that I need further, more intensive evaluation. I have a therapist lined up (first appointment on Thursday) but need to find a psychiatrist, too. I started a preliminary search today. WTF is it with docs who don't take insurance??? Greedy fucks.

I guess it will be a work in progress.

If anyone reading this, now or scrolling through later, wants a 'been there' shoulder to lean on, PM's are welcome.

Click to expand...

I'm glad you're still here. A brother took an overdose of Elavil 10 days before my 30th birthday, and since then when my birthday comes around, it's impossible to feel any joy about my birthday. I've had my own battles with depression. I don't have any words of wisdom. Life sucks sometimes and we do the best we can.

desertslave said:

{Deep breath}

I don't know why, but I need to get this "out there" someplace and I'm not feeling brave enough to do it in front of my friends on Facebook. I hope this helps someone else, which is why I'm writing at all.

I didn't have Mother's Day this year. Very early in the morning I attempted to check out with an overdose of painkillers (ironic?) and failed spectacularly. I laid down, intending not to wake up, but a few hours later I heard voices (the real kind), woke up feeling unwell but obviously not dead, and asked my son's friend to please take me to the ER. I spent most of the day there, got the lovely charcoal cocktail (not), and got transferred to inpatient treatment in the evening.

At first I was really scared. I read "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" in high school; I thought I knew how it would work. I was so wrong! The staff was very kind and involved, the other patients rapidly became 'family' to me. Patients had a frequent turnover, so there were always some about to leave and some who were brand new. Alone-time was fairly limited (and a very good thing). There were groups in the morning and afternoon, plus fun times doing art-ish stuff or typical group games like Apples to Apples. By midweek I was getting my sense of humor back and had the nerve to suggest that they need Cards Against Humanity in the collection. (I am, seriously, going to sort through our unused collection of games and donate some new ones, plus some books.)

I learned so much, both from my shrink and staff and other patients. Some of them really touched my heart, and took me out of my own head enough to want to reach out to them instead. The most important thing I learned will probably seem obvious to those who are 'well' in a mental sense...no matter how dark and hopeless things seem to be, there are people who care, people who want to help you, and chances are very good that life isn't as bad as you think it is. Depression makes your own brain lie to you in some incredibly insidious ways.

I got a new (improved? uhhh, not so much) possible diagnosis: I might be bipolar, but the doc there felt that I need further, more intensive evaluation. I have a therapist lined up (first appointment on Thursday) but need to find a psychiatrist, too. I started a preliminary search today. WTF is it with docs who don't take insurance??? Greedy fucks.

I guess it will be a work in progress.

If anyone reading this, now or scrolling through later, wants a 'been there' shoulder to lean on, PM's are welcome.

Click to expand...

I'm sorry that happened.

I've been there, and am kinda there again. I know perfectly well what those times are like.

desertslave said:

{Deep breath}

I don't know why, but I need to get this "out there" someplace and I'm not feeling brave enough to do it in front of my friends on Facebook. I hope this helps someone else, which is why I'm writing at all.

I didn't have Mother's Day this year. Very early in the morning I attempted to check out with an overdose of painkillers (ironic?) and failed spectacularly. I laid down, intending not to wake up, but a few hours later I heard voices (the real kind), woke up feeling unwell but obviously not dead, and asked my son's friend to please take me to the ER. I spent most of the day there, got the lovely charcoal cocktail (not), and got transferred to inpatient treatment in the evening.

At first I was really scared. I read "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" in high school; I thought I knew how it would work. I was so wrong! The staff was very kind and involved, the other patients rapidly became 'family' to me. Patients had a frequent turnover, so there were always some about to leave and some who were brand new. Alone-time was fairly limited (and a very good thing). There were groups in the morning and afternoon, plus fun times doing art-ish stuff or typical group games like Apples to Apples. By midweek I was getting my sense of humor back and had the nerve to suggest that they need Cards Against Humanity in the collection. (I am, seriously, going to sort through our unused collection of games and donate some new ones, plus some books.)

I learned so much, both from my shrink and staff and other patients. Some of them really touched my heart, and took me out of my own head enough to want to reach out to them instead. The most important thing I learned will probably seem obvious to those who are 'well' in a mental sense...no matter how dark and hopeless things seem to be, there are people who care, people who want to help you, and chances are very good that life isn't as bad as you think it is. Depression makes your own brain lie to you in some incredibly insidious ways.

I got a new (improved? uhhh, not so much) possible diagnosis: I might be bipolar, but the doc there felt that I need further, more intensive evaluation. I have a therapist lined up (first appointment on Thursday) but need to find a psychiatrist, too. I started a preliminary search today. WTF is it with docs who don't take insurance??? Greedy fucks.

I guess it will be a work in progress.

If anyone reading this, now or scrolling through later, wants a 'been there' shoulder to lean on, PM's are welcome.

Click to expand...

*Hugs and anything else that might be needed for you*

I'm so sorry that all that happened, but I'm glad that things are starting to get back on track again. I wish you the very best of luck finding a psychiatrist and a therapist you can work with, too.

Also? The only really good thing about hitting bottom like that? No matter how much of a pain climbing back out is, it's still not that bad in comparison.

ETA: Anybody reading this thread who ever needs to talk can PM me. Pretty sure I've said this before, but it won't hurt to say it again. It may take me a bit to get back to you (I keep a weird schedule), but I will. I probably can't offer any decent advice (and besides, nobody should ever listen to anything I say, anyhow), but I can listen. It's not much, but sometimes it does help.

desertslave said:

{Deep breath}

I don't know why, but I need to get this "out there" someplace and I'm not feeling brave enough to do it in front of my friends on Facebook. I hope this helps someone else, which is why I'm writing at all.

I didn't have Mother's Day this year. Very early in the morning I attempted to check out with an overdose of painkillers (ironic?) and failed spectacularly. I laid down, intending not to wake up, but a few hours later I heard voices (the real kind), woke up feeling unwell but obviously not dead, and asked my son's friend to please take me to the ER. I spent most of the day there, got the lovely charcoal cocktail (not), and got transferred to inpatient treatment in the evening.

At first I was really scared. I read "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" in high school; I thought I knew how it would work. I was so wrong! The staff was very kind and involved, the other patients rapidly became 'family' to me. Patients had a frequent turnover, so there were always some about to leave and some who were brand new. Alone-time was fairly limited (and a very good thing). There were groups in the morning and afternoon, plus fun times doing art-ish stuff or typical group games like Apples to Apples. By midweek I was getting my sense of humor back and had the nerve to suggest that they need Cards Against Humanity in the collection. (I am, seriously, going to sort through our unused collection of games and donate some new ones, plus some books.)

I learned so much, both from my shrink and staff and other patients. Some of them really touched my heart, and took me out of my own head enough to want to reach out to them instead. The most important thing I learned will probably seem obvious to those who are 'well' in a mental sense...no matter how dark and hopeless things seem to be, there are people who care, people who want to help you, and chances are very good that life isn't as bad as you think it is. Depression makes your own brain lie to you in some incredibly insidious ways.

I got a new (improved? uhhh, not so much) possible diagnosis: I might be bipolar, but the doc there felt that I need further, more intensive evaluation. I have a therapist lined up (first appointment on Thursday) but need to find a psychiatrist, too. I started a preliminary search today. WTF is it with docs who don't take insurance??? Greedy fucks.

I guess it will be a work in progress.

If anyone reading this, now or scrolling through later, wants a 'been there' shoulder to lean on, PM's are welcome.

Click to expand...

Depression is such a horrible terrible liar. I am so glad you got the support you needed. I hope this new path works out for you. Hugs.

I'm glad that you woke up and that you are getting help, Desertslave.
Thinking of you and yours!

I just want to add my support. I have a couple of friends that live on the edge, and its really difficult watching their pain. One of the best things that happened to one of them was checking themselves into a clinic. There they found people who could relate, and got the help they needed. And this part is a little tough to digest, but I think I get it now... They said it was eye opening to see others in serious, serious pain. Way more pain and suffering than they were experiencing themselves. It sounds a little fucked up, but just knowing that there are others out there fighting the same fight has helped their perspective tremendously. Thank you for being open, and I'm glad you woke up

Agreed. I started on Citalopram about a year ago now after a little incident with a knife which left me feeling rather stupid. While most of my issues were situational the meds helped me get past the worst of it and kept me on an even keel while I got some of those situational issues resolved.

Previous doctors had assessed me and not given me meds because they said i was handling it and that they didn't approve of them and so, for a time, neither did I so the first time I was offered them in a very wishy washy way by a doc I turned them down because they didn't make the case for them convincing. 6 months and a bit of blood later I went back and saw a different doc who didn't offer me meds, He told me, in no uncertain terms that I was going to take them and that was all there was to it. I am very glad he did. This last year has been stressful in some ways but at no time have I felt the need to crawl back to bed and just pull the duvet over my head until the world goes away.

I accept meds are not for everyone, and it may take a few goes to find the right one / dose and while I also accept people's right to refuse medication for personal reasons I would recommend people read the literature and make an informed choice. If something might help you cope with some of the issues they are dealing with I'd have to ask them to look long and hard at their reasons for refusing that help.

Yeah, If I forget mine for a few days (which I have done in the past.. Bad Mal) my brain gets a bit cotton wooly and I feel a bit more tired than usual.

I could potentially come off mine now but the big situational issue (work) is still there so until I find a new job I'll probably stick with mine.

If you do come off them and it gets bad I'm glad you'd consider going back!

@desertslave, I'm just so very glad that you're here. Yours is an important and valuable voice in our little community. Welcome back.

As someone who did not take this advice, please only go off your meds under a doctor's supervision! You may need to be weaned off them gradually. And I definitely don't recommend forgetting them on vacation and then just stopping cold turkey because you feel fine...

feistyrose said:

As someone who did not take this advice, please only go off your meds under a doctor's supervision! You may need to be weaned off them gradually. And I definitely don't recommend forgetting them on vacation and then just stopping cold turkey because you feel fine...

Click to expand...

Yes! I cannot reiterate this enough. Please talk with your doc before changing any medications. I worked out a schedule with my psych for weaning off one med that's notorious for some weird side effects (I learned the term "brain shivers" the hard way a few years ago). It should always be undertaken with supervision.

I just want to say a blanket thank you for all the kindness you've given me in these posts. I'm a little too overwhelmed to tackle individual replies right now, but please know that it's all very deeply appreciated.

Also, y'all, it's ok to be one of those people who has to take meds the rest of your life. It's not a horrible death sentence or a moral failing or anything. And meds aren't some terrible poison turning your insides to ash or whatever it is anti-meds people are saying these days.

(I'm aware that y'all probably know this, so my comment's more for lurkers than anything.)

BiBunny said:

Also, y'all, it's ok to be one of those people who has to take meds the rest of your life. It's not a horrible death sentence or a moral failing or anything. And meds aren't some terrible poison turning your insides to ash or whatever it is anti-meds people are saying these days.

(I'm aware that y'all probably know this, so my comment's more for lurkers than anything.)

Click to expand...

THIS!!!
One of my very best friends from college thought it was a failure on her part to have to take medicine, like an admission that she was not a good person. So she didn't do it, and she was miserable, and she made everyone miserable around her, and she drank too much and got into lots of heartache through that as well, and I eventually had to leave her behind as a friend.
Medication would have been so much smarter.

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

THIS!!!
One of my very best friends from college thought it was a failure on her part to have to take medicine, like an admission that she was not a good person. So she didn't do it, and she was miserable, and she made everyone miserable around her, and she drank too much and got into lots of heartache through that as well, and I eventually had to leave her behind as a friend.
Medication would have been so much smarter.

Click to expand...

Gah, my college boyfriend (back in the Stone Age) was like this, too. He was bipolar. (Apparently we've all got magnets implanted somewhere so that we're all drawn to each other or something.) He would be on meds for awhile, then decide that he was fine and didn't need them, go off of them, and then go through the rapid-cycling/drinking too much/paranoid delusions stage until he finally got back on meds and started the whole mess over again.

I never understood that. Of course you feel better, you utter moron--the meds are working. Just what did you expect was going to happen going off of them?

And I know that lack of insight is a common problem along all lines of mental illness and that part of the problem with it is that when you're not ill, it's easy to forget how bad it was when you were. But at some point, you kinda have to ask yourself, what do they call doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? *Ahem*

I eventually dumped him over it because I was 21 (and my own illness hadn't seriously manifested itself yet) and not at all qualified to deal with someone who just didn't want to get better. So I understand why you had to leave your friend behind, too.

I've gone off my meds in the past simply because I didn't have the money to get them. They're not super-expensive, I guess, in the grand scheme of things, but I'm still trying to fix everything financially that I wrecked while I was sick. So I'm not in the best situation, money-wise, at the moment. Every moment of it was horrible, and I do everything I can not to have to repeat it.

What happened to me right before I made the decision to get on meds to start with was so hellish that I'm genuinely afraid of what would happen if I decided to stop taking them. Yes, my hands shake most of the time, and I have to take meds to control the acid reflux side effects, but it's a small price to pay, IMO. I will happily tremble like a leaf and pop Prevacid for the rest of my life if it gives me respite from the demons in my head. I've learned to like the quiet too much to want to do anything else!

Gianbattista said:

I absolutely agree with this.

I also think that with so many people suffering depression especially but any mental illness over a lifetime its silly to view it as failure ( though maybe our lifestyles might be, as they induce such wide scale suffering).

Click to expand...

Yep. And sooooo many illnesses are linked with genetics and/or documentable (is that a word?) brain abnormalities. It's not like a person can help that, you know? If you don't view being born with blue eyes instead of brown ones or having epilepsy as a failure, then you shouldn't view being mentally ill as one, either.

Gianbattista said:

However, i also feel that if I don't need a med there is no point taking it. If I need to, there is no question now I know, that I'd be back on it. I found in fact, helped from feeling so ' not myself' some physical symptoms lessened.

Click to expand...

Nothing wrong with that. If (general) you want to do it and your doctor ok's it, then I don't think there's a problem with trying to stop taking meds. If you can do well without them, then great! That's one less thing you have to worry about doing every day. But if it turns out that you can't, there's definitely no shame in going back on them, either.

The problem, I think, is that when people take it on themselves to go "You know what? I don't need this." It's SO easy to forget how bad the bad times were when you're not in the middle of them anymore. And then there's so much misinformation out there on the subject (not to mention non-mentally ill people who are all "You don't need to take medicine! All you need is to be vegan!" or something equally stupid). It's easy for people to find justifications for going off the meds when in reality, it's the last thing they need to do.

Gianbattista said:

So I think when needed anti depressants are probably physically beneficial.

Click to expand...

Agreed. Even if it's for no other reason than because people are prone to live very unhealthy lives when depressed, so just not being depressed makes it easier to cook/exercise/clean house/interact with people/stop smoking or drinking and otherwise do healthier things and make healthier choices.

I mean, using me for an example: I'm still fat, and my house is still a mess, but those things will probably always be true, sick or not. But I almost never drink anymore, and I have zero problems interacting with people. They may think I'm the strangest person they've ever met, but I don't care. That's their problem, not mine!

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

THIS!!!
One of my very best friends from college thought it was a failure on her part to have to take medicine, like an admission that she was not a good person. So she didn't do it, and she was miserable, and she made everyone miserable around her, and she drank too much and got into lots of heartache through that as well, and I eventually had to leave her behind as a friend.
Medication would have been so much smarter.

Click to expand...

My ex was in total denial about his depression. When I finally got up the nerve to talk with him about it, he was very upset about the idea of having to take a pill at all, let alone long term. I just rolled my eyes at him. I've been taking allergy meds (and shots, and have to carry an epi-pen) since I was about 5. I took birth control pills for years, then prenatal vitamins. Now I take 2 pills for diabetes, 2 for hypertension, 2 for depression (weaning off one), a blood thinner, a statin, an herbal for hot flashes, a pill for osteoarthritis, a pill so my stomach tolerates all the other pills, AND I'm still taking an allergy pill!

The way I tried to explain it to my ex was: Some people need meds for blood pressure run amok, some for blood sugar or thyroid or heart disease. There's NO difference between needing those meds and needing something because your brain chemistry is wonky instead of some other part of your body!!!

The primary reason that he is my ex is because he refused to acknowledge, let alone get treatment for, his depression. It was dragging me down, and the kids were starting to mirror some of his behaviors and comments. It's horrible to watch someone self-destruct that way. (Words I need to point at myself?)

The absolute worst part of this past week? Seeing my (adult) son in tears as he held my hand in the ER. I had talked myself into believing that he (and everyone else) would be so much better off without me. I'm not as alone as I think I am.

Gianbattista said:

I love this post. I am not going to promote veganism, I promise . But as I said above, I do thing lifestyle can have huge impact on huge numbers of health conditions including mental health ones. I don't think it necessary means it will get every one off pills, but it might help the pills help people. Or help some people more than pills, or in different ways. making those healthier choices you speak of is part of not being depressed, ( though of cause in extremes can be indicative of a problem itself!) but also can fight depression and other health problems.

Click to expand...

Oh, definitely!

Like, for me, if I'm paying attention, I can accurately predict what my mood is going to be based on my sleep patterns. Sleep disturbances are the very first symptoms that I display. They usually start a week or two before I notice anything else. (When I'm not in the middle of an episode, I usually sleep for about nine hours. Anything less than eight means oncoming mania, and anything more than ten means depression.)

So knowing that, if I'll pay attention--which is often a problem, by the way, because it sneaks up on me and I don't always notice until it's too late--I can change up the way I sleep to either lessen the effects of what's coming or sometimes stop it altogether. (Sleeping pills if I'm not sleeping enough, setting earlier alarms if I'm sleeping too much.) So sleep disturbances for me are kind of like the warning aura that some people with migraines get that foreshadow an oncoming headache.

There are hypotheses out there that say that bipolar disorder may, in fact, be caused sleep problems, rather than the sleep problems being caused by bipolar. I would bet a whole lot of someone else's money that that is very likely the case.

Also, for me, vitamin B12 is a factor. Folate, too, to a lesser degree, but I think that's partly because one of my meds leaches folate from the body. Everyone on my mother's side of the family has a hard time getting enough B12 from the food they eat, and when they get older, they almost always have to get shots of it a couple of times per month. I know if mine gets too low, the shit will hit the fan pretty hard. So I (try to remember to) take a B-complex vitamin and eat a ton of eggs. When I do, it helps.

So, yes, definitely making changes in your lifestyle can improve mental (and physical) illnesses. I agree with that 100%. Just think how healthy I could be if I weren't too lazy to cook and exercise.

And speaking of sleep, I should probably do that now.

Gianbattista said:

Diurnal rhythm issues are also indicative or causative or have correlation in some physical illnesses, and on longevity.

There is little doubt doing all the boring things most of the time is probably good for us!

Fwiw, I get no warning aura with normal migraine, but I do get 'eye migraines' which are a different thing and have lights some times, but more often can render me without vision. This was very terrifying the first time it happened, in adult hood. Other reasons i can sometimes struggle with hearing and occasionally smell. I hate losing smell and sight, but have to admit I find being without sound is not, for me, as terrible. It was about three years ago (?) I think I first lost sight. It certainly contributed to the emotion even though it is a very minor and temporary issue, not in itself worth such stress, in combination with other things it was a confounding reality. Something I could not pretend was not happening. If you cannot see then, you cannot see.

Click to expand...

I hate 'eyegraines!' They're scary, distracting, and always make it incredibly difficult to just think. I got one in the middle of the supermarket, once, and could barely get through the checkout and out to my car.

Fortunately, they seemed to be hormone-related. As age encroaches I've learned that's one of the perks.

My heart goes out to all the human struggles listed here.

Maybe I have said this before, but something that keeps popping up around me lately is the relationship between life saving and life quality supporting medications contributing to or causing nutrient deficiencies, and more specifically that it is these nutrient deficiencies that are at the heart of the "side effects". Medication can work really well, but so many rely on pulling from our life supporting nutrient stores in our body to work. Many doctors do, but many also do not discuss this concept with their patients, which is a shame because adding some supplements to your diet that support the needs and activity of the medication that is supporting a longer or more vibrant life just seems to make good sense.

That said, I am not a doctor or an expert of any kind, and I have not researched this link in any sort of detail, but I am sharing it as I think it illustrates the concept well enough so that anyone it does resonate with can discuss these or other medications with their doctor. Anyone who is on medication, and particularly on medication that is for softening side effects, this can be a great conversation to have with your prescribing doctors to support your body for the marathon of many of these medications on the body. Maybe supplementation is really not a good fit, but adjusting your diet to gently include more of these more whole food nutrients might be. Learning how the drugs actually work on the body has been eye opening for friends of mine especially for times when they had to get off of or could no longer afford medications for periods of time.

Article about the nutrient deficiencies or strains that some medications can cause

My best and warmest wishes to you all.

Curious_in_Cali said:

My heart goes out to all the human struggles listed here.

Maybe I have said this before, but something that keeps popping up around me lately is the relationship between life saving and life quality supporting medications contributing to or causing nutrient deficiencies, and more specifically that it is these nutrient deficiencies that are at the heart of the "side effects". Medication can work really well, but so many rely on pulling from our life supporting nutrient stores in our body to work. Many doctors do, but many also do not discuss this concept with their patients, which is a shame because adding some supplements to your diet that support the needs and activity of the medication that is supporting a longer or more vibrant life just seems to make good sense.

That said, I am not a doctor or an expert of any kind, and I have not researched this link in any sort of detail, but I am sharing it as I think it illustrates the concept well enough so that anyone it does resonate with can discuss these or other medications with their doctor. Anyone who is on medication, and particularly on medication that is for softening side effects, this can be a great conversation to have with your prescribing doctors to support your body for the marathon of many of these medications on the body. Maybe supplementation is really not a good fit, but adjusting your diet to gently include more of these more whole food nutrients might be. Learning how the drugs actually work on the body has been eye opening for friends of mine especially for times when they had to get off of or could no longer afford medications for periods of time.

Article about the nutrient deficiencies or strains that some medications can cause

My best and warmest wishes to you all.

Click to expand...

Thank you for this! None of my meds are on the list (I'm truly surprised), but Master is on Prednisone frequently, so I'm saving that part.