Femdom who likes Doms - seeking info
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eric60red
Im a HEDONISTIC ALLURIST,
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We all have needs some are more intense than others, there is a certain amount of excitement in having somebody in your care, restrained while you use their body for your own perverted pleasure. Making them want more, and they can not stop themselves from submitting to you
Netzach
>semiotics?
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The media you're looking at is made for men to jerk off to. In the case of femdom, submissive men. It doesn't include you, it doesn't have room for you, and it's not going to look remotely like the reality you're interested in seeing - even when it's made BY dominant women, the act of actually getting something that gets you, the maker, off, into your own erotica is an act of slipping it in there for the other occasional fans of something other than the general market cliches. A couple of people will notice, and that's the payoff. Most people you're dealing with WANT to see the stuff that's turning you off.
Welcome to the club, ha.
Look instead at the world around you. Plenty of men with plenty of power and status and even hotter to me, comfort in their own skin and lack of giving a fuck, are actually submissive, switches or fine-with-the-woman-I-think-the-world-of-tying-me-up-if-she-likes-it-why-not.
Being "not a cartoon from porn wormy submale" doesn't make someone "a Dom" it makes him a submissive not wildly kinked to that kind of degradation. Which isn't really to say he's better or worse for it, just there you go. They're out there, I guess?
Where you won't find them is in the porn/fetish content world, except SUPER rarely.
Welcome to the club, ha.
Look instead at the world around you. Plenty of men with plenty of power and status and even hotter to me, comfort in their own skin and lack of giving a fuck, are actually submissive, switches or fine-with-the-woman-I-think-the-world-of-tying-me-up-if-she-likes-it-why-not.
Being "not a cartoon from porn wormy submale" doesn't make someone "a Dom" it makes him a submissive not wildly kinked to that kind of degradation. Which isn't really to say he's better or worse for it, just there you go. They're out there, I guess?
Where you won't find them is in the porn/fetish content world, except SUPER rarely.
Primalex
Literotica Guru
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You are looking for porn movies without bad actors that display sensuality and desire and involve a man and a woman fighting about sex until the man gives in and they do this out of the passion of the moment and not because they are recorded.
Did I summarize this correctly?
Did I summarize this correctly?
Nezhul
Angry Flufferpuff
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Let me just say that I find most of femdom porn and erotic to bee very, very fake. And it is also very one-sided.
90% of commercial femdom stuff is about strong woman with (often) a foul mouth who tries to degrade her sub as much as she can. Often it would be openly said that she does not care for him, that he's just a piece of meat, a toy for her to enjoy. Often it would be clearly seen that she herself does not enjoy that role but plays it automatically.
Erm... That's not what it is supposed to be, right? I mean okay, I can see where some may like that, but surely not everyone!
What fascinates me is that at the same time femsub BDSM is actually much better, where a lot of attention is paid for emotions, connection and the care that Dom has for the sub.
What I'm saying is: porn and other pics source is not a place where you try and find a good depiction of femdom.
The most of femdom I see is about a woman doing what she wants because she's STRONGER, because she's BETTER, because compared to her MEN ARE LIKE DIRT!........
Whereas it could be equally sexy for a girl to do what she wants because the man just can't resist her charm. She's so feminine and alluring that she can hit your balls and you would ask for more just because she's so sexy when she does it.
There's clearly a niche for the loving and caring femdom where a girl would still be on top, would still do as she pleases, but do so in a more tantalizing way.
There's a market for it. It's just that there's no offer.
90% of commercial femdom stuff is about strong woman with (often) a foul mouth who tries to degrade her sub as much as she can. Often it would be openly said that she does not care for him, that he's just a piece of meat, a toy for her to enjoy. Often it would be clearly seen that she herself does not enjoy that role but plays it automatically.
Erm... That's not what it is supposed to be, right? I mean okay, I can see where some may like that, but surely not everyone!
What fascinates me is that at the same time femsub BDSM is actually much better, where a lot of attention is paid for emotions, connection and the care that Dom has for the sub.
What I'm saying is: porn and other pics source is not a place where you try and find a good depiction of femdom.
Yes, but do you really think that all submissive men want the same thing? No! Some do, but again, not all of them.
The most of femdom I see is about a woman doing what she wants because she's STRONGER, because she's BETTER, because compared to her MEN ARE LIKE DIRT!........
Whereas it could be equally sexy for a girl to do what she wants because the man just can't resist her charm. She's so feminine and alluring that she can hit your balls and you would ask for more just because she's so sexy when she does it.
There's clearly a niche for the loving and caring femdom where a girl would still be on top, would still do as she pleases, but do so in a more tantalizing way.
There's a market for it. It's just that there's no offer.
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Netzach
>semiotics?
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Sure, they don't all want the same thing. There are variations on the theme, but the theme is always a resounding "it's not about YOU honey." YOU being the woman it's "all about."
Honestly, from my own perspective, both of your options are EQUALLY limiting, boring, and pointlessly him-focused. I don't sit around getting turned on because "wow, I am so feminine and alluring in my imagination!" I don't masturbate to the act of "tantalizing" men. Those are kind of like "kiss on the cheek" or "nice handshake" levels of titillation.
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Netzach
>semiotics?
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Primalex
Literotica Guru
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You cannot read everything there is to read about scuba diving before scuba diving. I mean, you can, you just won't ever do scuba diving then.
Maybe you should find a solution for the things that scare you.
CutieMouse
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First, welcome to the BDSM Boards. I saw this last night, but didn't have the time to give it a real response.
What is an "extreme switch" [as you are using the term]? Genuine question, because I don't know what that is [for you], and it may impact the advice given.
Opportunity to practice what? Kink? S&M? Relationships?
I don't ID dominant, myself, but my lover tends to take my interests and desires (kink and otherwise) into consideration... that's part of having a successful relationship. So one of the reasons I didn't respond last night, was that I couldn't (and can't) figure out how this is a Domme/Dom thing. (Probably because I don't ID dominant). To me, that's just basic healthy relationship compatibility stuff.
Looking to porn for research is about as useful as reading The Story of O as a BDSM primer. Netz covered all the whys of that, upthread.
What do you need to know in order to "practice"? What do you want to practice? How does that factor into inexperience + extreme switch = can't find my brand of kink? Because (again) the description you wrote of what you're seeking has nothing to do with kink or D/D (in my world); it's relationship adulting because people who don't consider their lover's wants, needs, desires eventually burn the relationship to the ground.
As for literature, there's tons of stuff on Amazon. A few off the top of my head (it's been years since I've read much on this stuff...)
The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book
The Loving Dominant
The Good Girl's Guide to Female Domination
I don't know that you will get exactly the information you're seeking, laid out with a yellow brick road to guide you, but you may be looking for something unusual enough (hooray for bell curves!), that you might have to research, experiment, toss the bad/keep the good and chart your own path.
What is an "extreme switch" [as you are using the term]? Genuine question, because I don't know what that is [for you], and it may impact the advice given.
Opportunity to practice what? Kink? S&M? Relationships?
I don't ID dominant, myself, but my lover tends to take my interests and desires (kink and otherwise) into consideration... that's part of having a successful relationship. So one of the reasons I didn't respond last night, was that I couldn't (and can't) figure out how this is a Domme/Dom thing. (Probably because I don't ID dominant). To me, that's just basic healthy relationship compatibility stuff.
With my research, I tend to find that videos/pics of dungeons and Femdoms are really cheesy. It’s like there is no connection. It’s all for show. Yes, I love bondage and flogging and such, but to me it is meaningful and about sensuality and desire––it’s not a circus. So, I’m really looking for the real stuff, the stuff that doesn’t have bad actors or people playing for the camera. Do you know of any of that? Can you give me links?
Anything would help. Thanks in advance.
Looking to porn for research is about as useful as reading The Story of O as a BDSM primer. Netz covered all the whys of that, upthread.
Thanks everyone for your replies.
So... how do I learn more about the dynamics of this kind of relationship? I want to learn as much as I can before I get into practice.
I follow a couple of BDSM groups (I'd rather get my info from the life rather than the make believe) and it seems the info I'm after is very hard to find. Are there any books or literature on the subject? Any intellectual websites you can point me to?
Cheers
What do you need to know in order to "practice"? What do you want to practice? How does that factor into inexperience + extreme switch = can't find my brand of kink? Because (again) the description you wrote of what you're seeking has nothing to do with kink or D/D (in my world); it's relationship adulting because people who don't consider their lover's wants, needs, desires eventually burn the relationship to the ground.
As for literature, there's tons of stuff on Amazon. A few off the top of my head (it's been years since I've read much on this stuff...)
The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book
The Loving Dominant
The Good Girl's Guide to Female Domination
I don't know that you will get exactly the information you're seeking, laid out with a yellow brick road to guide you, but you may be looking for something unusual enough (hooray for bell curves!), that you might have to research, experiment, toss the bad/keep the good and chart your own path.
HellBenttoo
Literotica Guru
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Well stated. I always look forward to your well thought out, common sense, replies to questions.
Netzach
>semiotics?
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I'm with CM - what's "this?"
I'm in a relationship which is kind of a "this" in that I do SM stuff with one lover who's flexible in his responses and I'm flexible in my own - he brings stuff out that other people usually don't and I bring stuff out that other people usually don't. Ultimately I know that I'm capable of flipping him whenever I want that to happen, and I'm perfectly happy to be flipped if he shows the inclination. Well, like 90 percent of the time? Whatever.
At the end of the day we're more experimental people than we are freaked out about hierarchies- so it's just a question of follow the day's energies, don't break anything, and know what's within limits and what's not...there's no manual. Just talk to each other.
For all our faults and dysfunctions as every pairing has them, we've been talking without any major filters for, literally, YEARS. That's how I think "this" works, in this case.
I'm in a relationship which is kind of a "this" in that I do SM stuff with one lover who's flexible in his responses and I'm flexible in my own - he brings stuff out that other people usually don't and I bring stuff out that other people usually don't. Ultimately I know that I'm capable of flipping him whenever I want that to happen, and I'm perfectly happy to be flipped if he shows the inclination. Well, like 90 percent of the time? Whatever.
At the end of the day we're more experimental people than we are freaked out about hierarchies- so it's just a question of follow the day's energies, don't break anything, and know what's within limits and what's not...there's no manual. Just talk to each other.
For all our faults and dysfunctions as every pairing has them, we've been talking without any major filters for, literally, YEARS. That's how I think "this" works, in this case.
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CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
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I'm grateful for everyones input. Thank you, guys
As I mentioned, I'm a newb and I don't know all the 'correct' terminologies, hence, I want to learn. That's why I'm asking for literature references so I can seek out information from good sources from people who are in the know and live the life. I'm trying to understand all the BDSM labels, but it's hard when everyone uses labels but then they say you can't label anything because all BDSM relationships are different. It just seems everything I'm learning is contradicting and I'm trying to sort it out. With this thread, I was hoping it to point me in the right direction, though at the moment it is making me a little more confused, actually.
So, I guess I'll try to give you more background for you to hopefully understand me a little better so you can maybe guide me.
When I say 'extreme Switch' it's just my way of saying what I think I am without knowing the proper labels everyone uses. Extreme means going from the very edge of one thing to the very edge of another (everyone knows this, of course). Switch... I'm gathering everyone knows this as well. So, for me personally, I'm into dark primal stuff/bondage/pain as a dominant, but I can give total submission for the right Dom, but I prefer the softer, caring relationship (which I have just found out about myself and it has surprised me).
I'd call that being a multifaceted, complex, interesting person.
A lot of people will claim that someone like me (owns my shit, runs my business life, takes care of what needs to be taken care of, capable of running things) is a switch - specifically BECAUSE I am capable of adulting. I frequently get mistaken for a PYL... which amuses the hell out of my lover and myself.
None of that means I'm not who/what I am - a functioning, capable, responsible [submissive identifying] adult who brings a lot to any relationship I'm in.
Those same people (who divide the kink world into black and white) will say my lover isn't dominant because he is happy to let me make the decisions I want/need to make, looooooooooooooves cunnilingus, and enjoys bringing me coffee in bed.
So my advice would be that instead of getting hung up on labels (before experiencing XYZ kink in the flesh), take the time to express who you are in however many words it takes, instead of going shorthand with things like "extreme switch". Because in my universe, none of what you described is "extreme switching"; it's being human.
And you probably won't ever experience everything enough to give a final, definitive list - at least until you're on your deathbed.
Have you done it yet? You might find out what's hot in images, is boring as hell in person.
Not uncommon...
Also not uncommon.
I had two lovers for several years. Both ID'd on the PYL (dominant) side of the equation, neither had any issue with my having more than one lover. Looking into polyamory might be the best way to accomplish this.
[quote
I'm into bukkake and strap ons and flogging and bi guys/couples and I get all gooey at pain, and want to be bitten hard, very hard during sex....[/quote]
Curious question - stuff you've done, stuff you're curious about, stuff you know turns you on? Because again, what turns you on intellectually may or may not "work" in real life. Don't put the cart before the horse.
Again - I'd give up the shorthand, and use real words. It'll give you the best odds of finding a good match (that works for everyone, IMO).
None of us are exactly the same experience to experience. I deal with child #1 differently than child #3; I deal with business associate A differently than business associate B; no two relationships are ever the same.
Learning stuff about bondage (especially suspension, Japanese bondage, etc) from an experienced rope community makes sense.
Getting a mentor for pain? Serious, logical question - what exactly will that accomplish, and why do you need a mentor to explore how YOU experience pain? How will a mentor teach you how a partner (play or otherwise) will experience it?
Or are you talking about how to safely help someone else experience pain (flogging, belt, etc)? That kinda makes sense, but even then there's a lot you can figure out through classes, a communicative play partner, etc.
(Cynical me just sees an awesome opportunity for a sadistic-minded domly-dude to get his cock hard hurting someone who buys into the concept of needing someone to teach them how to enjoy a flogger vs belt vs crop vs spanking vs clamps vs whatever.)
I'm a big proponent of people learning to do shit on their own. Get comfortable doing things solo. Figure out how to walk into a munch with healthy boundaries and tell people "no" without a buddy to back you up.
And you might be thinking, where the heck does this chick live, the North Pole? Yes, I do, in fact, well close to. I'll put in a good word to Santa for you if you so kindly help me sort out the mess in my mind
I've only had one D/s relationship and that was online – I was curious to explore and don't have a RL opportunity - and I am guttered by the experience. It broke my heart.
Tough love from someone who started out exploring online years and years ago...
Don't invest in online D/s. It's not comparable to real life experiences. It's an easy environment for poseurs and abusers to emotionally manipulate people eager to experience and explore kink. Someone made your privates tingle, gave you attention and fed your fantasies then disappeared...You (obviously) invested more in the online relationship than they did. Instead of giving that person the power to prevent your from exploring further (in person), be thankful they gave you the opportunity to explore offline (by ending things).
It's just like non-kink relationships - you can either let your last relationship invade your next relationship, or not. Hopefully, every relationship that ends helps you weed out what did and didn't work, so you make better choices next time.
And one of the reasons that happened, was because it was online, and people can be whatever they want when real life (work, colds, unexpected car repairs) get in the way.
You got to have your kinky orgasms, and he got to have free cybersex.
Again - you over-invested, compared to him. Most people experience that at one point or another.
I did nothing wrong and yet I'm left to put the pieces back together. And THIS is the main reason why I want to learn from as many resources as possible before I endeavour another D/s relationship.
Please by kind, I am true, I'm not a poser... I really want o learn.
Or, maybe you might think about learning as much as you can about what you need re: a compatible partner (BDSM aside), and everything else might just sort itself out.
Over the last 12-ish years, I had one fortunate/unfortunate online experience, a few short term explorations, a multi-year arrangement with two lovers, and a few more short term explorations. I learned something from every one of them; every relationship served a purpose. And now for the last year + I've been involved with someone who is the culmination of all the self-work I've done, things I've tried, stuff I've thrown out the window, etc. I would not have the relationship I do now, without the "failures" that went before.
In some ways, it's a little like what Netz described, in that there's a lot of fluidity - although hell will freeze over and aliens will invade the planet post-zombie apocalypse before he bottoms to anyone. lol It's not a D/s relationship the way you read about them in erotica, or online forums, but it is the D/s relationship we [each, both] want and need. I'm also discovering stuff I've never been interested in, or flat out refused to bother with... work really really really well, with the right person.
Stop worrying about what is and isn't D/s, or extreme switching, or what you've experienced online [because it may or may not be an indicator of what gets you off in real life], and figure out what you want from a relationship (play partner, intimate friendship, long term relationship) and start working towards that.
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