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funny sayings

Oblimo said:
On a related note, the phrase, “Bless your heart,” is Texan for, “Go fuck yourself.”
Click to expand...

While I was living in Texas a little ways north of the Dallas/Fort Worth metro area, the former long time Denton County sheriff got picked in a near by county for speeding, then failed the breathalyzer.

The Denton newspaper published the story and included a portion of the recording the DPS trooper made during the arrest. For nearly every statement the Trooper made, our former Sherrif answered with:

"Well Bless my heart".

Was he really saying, "Well fuck ME?"

I'm a little surprised that the Trooper didn't let him go as professional courtesy to a former Sherriff. Maybe nobody in the law enforcement community liked him?

ps. I lived in TX for over 20 years and heard many an older person, usually old ladies use the "Bless your heart" a lot. Never took it as anything but a polite expression. I guess I was clueless. Of course my ex wife, born and raised in TX, always said tha phrase, right up to the day she told me she'd been having and affair with someone else and we were getting divorced. Hmmm makes me wonder.
 
something useless, and a few more

(for something useless) ... that plus $3 gets me a ride on the bus.

my parents didn't like me ... my bath toys were a toaster and a hair dryer.

my girl friend was mean to me ... one night she phoned me up and said ...
quick, come over to my house, no one is home! so I ran to her house as fast
as i could ... and ... no one was home.

hear that? (silence) ... that's the sound of me not giving a shit.

(surprise) well, cut off my right arm and call me lefty!

people tell me i am ignorant and apathetic ... i don't know what that means,
and i don't give a fuck, either.

did you hear about the guy who killed both his parents and begged for
the court's mercy because he was an orphan?

my ex-wife was a great housekeeper ... she got to keep the house :-(

it's true, masturbation makes you go blind ... so I stopped when I needed glasses.

my dad once caught me masturbating. he said ... son, if you keep doing that,
you will go blind. I said ... hey dad, I'm over here.
 
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know
:):):):):):):)
 
There's the Larry the Cable Guy line: That's funnier'n midgets running track, right there.

Then there's the whole Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips & One-Liners. (ISBN#0786714077)
Seriously, that's every bit as useful as Bartlett's Familiar Quotations for writing entertaining dialogue.

A favorite I heard in the Navy, when one of my shipmates threatened another:
"You'd better knock that off before I open a can of whoop-ass."
"I'd be scared about that, Ron, but when you open a can of whoop-ass, it's Whoop-Ass Lite."
 
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He
gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and
asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids
came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the
morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the
box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

===========
 
Here is a few more Aussie ones for ya

Windy enough to blow the milk out of ya cuppa

Useless as an ash tray on a motor bike

She has spanner eyes, when she looks at me my nuts tighten

The lights are on but there's nobody home (refers to a dumb person)

Ambitions exceeded his ability (Car crashed)

Would be out of his depth in a car park puddle (someone who is out of their depth)

Opinions are like assholes everyone has got one

Few roos loose in the top paddock (someone who is a little crazy)

No wuckin’ furries (same as "no fucking worries", but dyslexic)

Useless as a pick pocket at a nudist camp

Wrap your laughing gear round that

I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire (about someone you don't like)

Dogs eye and dead horse (pie and sauce)

Flat out like a lizard drinking (busy)

Got the rough end of the pineapple (shafted)

Chuck a U-EY (Turn around go the other way)

You heard, ya ears aren't painted on ( when someone says what)

Couldn't organize a fuck in a brothel with a pocket full of cash (Useless or hopeless)

Dry as a dead dingo's donger (very thirsty)


That should keep ya busy for a bit.
 
More then a saying but

This Guy goes to a town with no women and is asking around what do you guys do?
Well… you see we go over to the coral and pick out one of those soft fluffy sheep.
The guy is disgusted and can’t believe it, but as the days went on and he was getting anxious he started noticing a couple guys with sheep and they were starting to look good.
So he stops at the local bar and asks directions to the coral.
He gets down to the coral picks out a nice sheep… just like the girl next door and walks her on over to his room. As he is walking to his room everybody is clearing the streets and he is starting to wonder if the joke is on him. So he ask the bar tender what’s going on, I though you said guys did this with sheep.
Bar tender replied; “We do; But you got the Sheriffs Girl!”


:):):):):):):)
 
One more

Difference Between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about men having guts and men having balls. In fact, they are both slang for 'courage'. But you know what? They aren't synonyms. This is the difference:
GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you going flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

:):):eek::):eek::):)
 
...

gGLOnjp.jpg




:rose::rose::rose::D:rose::rose::rose:
 
A professor at the University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

:D:D:):):):D:D
 
My husband deals with idiots by saying things like 'That guy's so cheap he'd skin a turd for a penny', 'don't get into a battle of wits, you don't have enough ammo', and my favorite; 'I would love to stay and listen, but the 'give a fuck' part of me already left...'
 
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