How to be friends with an Ex?

fire_breeze said:

No, sometimes a relationship (and I'm assuming you mean romantic) ends because it reached the end of its natural course or circumstances changed. And even if a romantic relationship changes, the romantic/intimate part ends.

And even if a relationship goes a bit sour does not mean it went to shit.

You have your experiences, I have mine. You have your definition, I have mine. Neither yours nor mine is a definitive definition of what it means of 'ending of relationships'.

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I actually posted that tongue-in-cheek, without any thought of starting a discussion, but since you brought it up...... By definition, a relationship is an interaction between two or more people, sometimes it's romantic, sometimes sexual and sometimes just friendship. Sometimes the romance fades from a relationship and the people involved are still friends. When a romantic relationship ends and the people are still friends, that doesn't mean it will never become romantic again, because sometimes it does. However, when a relationship goes bad, and one or more person can't get over their anger, it's best to just let it go. When a relationship turns to shit, there is no point in stirring the pile, because it's never going to turn back into steak. It's just going to stink.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Jesus Christ! You people make every fucking thing drama. If you wanna get along with your ex treat him or her decently. No games, no bull shit, no petty treacheries. No fucking drama.

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To some extent, I agree with you JJ, but sometimes when a relationship goes bad, the best way to fight back is with your hat: Grab it and run!

fire_breeze said:

No, sometimes a relationship (and I'm assuming you mean romantic) ends because it reached the end of its natural course or circumstances changed. And even if a romantic relationship changes, the romantic/intimate part ends.

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I would agree. I know many people who are better friends with their exes than they were when they were married.

But a lot depends on how the marriage ended. If there was infidelity involved, or some other great breach of trust (maybe financial or history-related), then the odds of a successful friendship are greatly reduced. But if it's a case of two people realizing that they were wrong for each other, despite their best intentions, there's hope.

For what it's worth, almost all my ex-lovers are still my friends, although with some of them, their values have changed so much over the years that we don't really keep in touch anymore.

It's hard to be friends with an ex whose current wife is one of the reasons we divorced. And it's harder to be friends when the ex blames me for his having to marry her. I did try to overlook all this because of our kids, but the reality is I can't deny my pain and self-respect while continuing to be treated like a moron by a complete jackass.

LadyVer said:

It's hard to be friends with an ex whose current wife is one of the reasons we divorced. And it's harder to be friends when the ex blames me for his having to marry her. I did try to overlook all this because of our kids, but the reality is I can't deny my pain and self-respect while continuing to be treated like a moron by a complete jackass.

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I have overlooked so much because of my kid. I spent three years very slowly getting out of the relationship, partly so I could make sure I had a better financial setup for her sake, but partly too to get out 'clean'. I wanted to do as little as possible that could be lead to me being blamed.

It worked for me in other ways. Nobody says I should've stayed, it became so painfully evident that it was not a good relationship. People have been very supportive, instead of saying I ought to have stuck it out for Piglet's sake. (BTW, she is a lot happier these days.)

The Fella is really friendly now. The other day I asked if he would pick up Piglet from school for me as I felt unwell (I don't have a car and had to move a little distance from her school). He not only left work to do so, but offered to bring us fish and chips for supper and refused when I offered to pay him back.

I never have a pop at him when he craps up. Like, Piglet said there was no soap in the house but instead of going on at him about how rubbish he is, how can he ask me to let her go over there for more time to stay when he can't even buy a bar of soap, for Chrissake, all those years I always made sure there was fucking soap in the house, I have just bought some soap to let her take there with her and not said anything. When he does something a bit silly, I wait to see how it will turn out, maybe he will come to realise himself that taking her to a low-life pub for supper on a Friday night when there are sometimes fights is not such a good idea, and that although I would sometimes take her there to eat fatty chips and horrid chicken nuggets, that would only be for lunch on weekdays.

I don't blame him, even though he has behaved very badly towards me. I am a bit lucky in that towards the end I persuaded him to see his doctor and he was diagnosed clinically depressed. So I always say to myself: "It's not him, he is not well." I make out that he is a decent person who sometimes goes a bit off the rails because he is depressed. Then he mostly behaves to me like a decent person. He was very fair about splitting up the finances when we broke up. Not really generous, but fair. I didn't go on about how much more he could have done for me, I said to mutual friends: "He has been very fair, I am grateful."

Sometimes it felt like a bowl of Oprah Winfrey's fecal matter in my mouth to just swallow something crap he'd done, but the payoff is that he is much more supportive and friendly to me, and Piglet is much happier. We argue not about how much more money I want from him for her, but about who should get to pay for stuff and who can give her the most exciting holiday.

I don't say this strategy would work with everyone. There are some real basturds and b$tches out there. At heart, the Fella is a decent guy, he genuinely is mentally unwell and so sometimes he doesn't see clearly. I find it's best to let him come to see things clearly by himself, rather than go on at him about what a loser he is. It works for me and Piglet, and for the Fella who is grateful for my continuing support with his poorly Dad. And for the poorly Dad whom I am fond of too - old sod, LOL.

LadyVer said:

It's hard to be friends with an ex whose current wife is one of the reasons we divorced. And it's harder to be friends when the ex blames me for his having to marry her. I did try to overlook all this because of our kids, but the reality is I can't deny my pain and self-respect while continuing to be treated like a moron by a complete jackass.

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I've heard a lot of strange things said in anger in broken relationships, but this is a new one on me. How did your ex come to blame you for having to marry the wife he has now? He must be *really* proud of her!

For some it isn't a doable thing. For others,Especially if there are kids involved,It is better to be on an amicable level.Being civil to each other regardless of past issues is something the kids needs to see.The parent's getting along, even if you despise each other.It doesn't mean you have to try again. Those of us that have know it doesn't work.It didn't work the first time around for a reason.
Been there,through it all. We did war years and years ago,He wanted everything his way. Not going to happen, It's half way or no way. We came to terms and actually were friends after those events. Over the years we became real good friends. The kids were more at ease knowing we were getting along. Actually were better off as friends.Instead of lovers.Not as close now as we were and that's fine. We get along enough.I keep the peace.Even if I have to bite holes in my tongue.After all these years we are open with each other.And lately haven't held my tongue since I really don't give a F**k what he thinks.Though We talk about the kids when necessary.
which isn't often due to our kids being old enough now.

My first ex-H I rarely talk tur daughter is 25 and can make her own choices on whether or not she wants to see him.If she does and no one else is available,I am the buffer between them. I hate doing it but it makes her feel better if I go.So I go. Other than those times.We don't speak at all.

Other than the two ex H's I have my three kids with. I'm not friends with any ex's.nor do I care to be.

Harold_Hill said:

I've heard a lot of strange things said in anger in broken relationships, but this is a new one on me. How did your ex come to blame you for having to marry the wife he has now? He must be *really* proud of her!

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My kids were going to visit their dad for the summer. They were probably 6 and 9 at the time. They asked me why their dad hadn't married his gf. Since I didn't know the answer, I didn't want to start problems by butting into his business, and I made it a point to never speak negatively about their dad, I told them that I didn't know, that they would have to ask their dad. Twenty years later, my ex told me that he felt pressured to marry his gf, because of what I had said, that he blamed me, because if I hadn't said anything, he would never have had to marry his current wife. His logic hasn't changed much.

LadyVer said:

My kids were going to visit their dad for the summer. They were probably 6 and 9 at the time. They asked me why their dad hadn't married his gf. Since I didn't know the answer, I didn't want to start problems by butting into his business, and I made it a point to never speak negatively about their dad, I told them that I didn't know, that they would have to ask their dad. Twenty years later, my ex told me that he felt pressured to marry his gf, because of what I had said, that he blamed me, because if I hadn't said anything, he would never have had to marry his current wife. His logic hasn't changed much.

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Sounds like he doesn't think much of her, since he feels he *had* to marry her.

Harold_Hill said:

Sounds like he doesn't think much of her, since he feels he *had* to marry her.

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I'm not sure why he felt the need to clarify his feelings to me after so many years. It could have had to do with the amount of pain meds he's on. The thing is, if he hadn't been so controlling and vindictive in our relationship, we might have made it. It's hard to say, though. Relationships are hard and both partners have to be willing to see the relationship as a partnership, not as a way to control the partner to get what they want, or as two adversaries who have to fight for what they need. I do know that with his current wife, if anyone's controlling and vindictive, it isn't him. I'm just glad we live in different states.

I hope you went with that drink.

The thing about exes is that they should -- theoretically -- make good friends. After all, you probably had some interests and hobbies in common. But it doesn't work unless you wait until the spark is gone. Either that or it just gets real awkward real fast.

LadyVer said:

Relationships are hard and both partners have to be willing to see the relationship as a partnership, not as a way to control the partner to get what they want, or as two adversaries who have to fight for what they need.

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A new friend watched my current longtime partner and I stealing French snacks from each other and said to her mate, "Look! They compete for food!" We *did* tend to compete, bicker, blame -- not controlling, not fighting, but less than fully cooperative. That took time to work out. Whew.

Many women do tend to look at how men are with their exes when considering a serious relationship.

Yes, you can be friends, I am friends with most of them. Occassionally things happen where you just can't be,

*sigh*

D d d d

*sigh*

Ddddd

My story is way too long and this isn't the place for it, however, I'am in this situation right now. For me, it's a matter of how can I look at her and not break down? I still love that woman, despite the fact that she has plenty of flaws, to me she was perfect. Whose fault was it that things didn't work? It's something that goes both ways, we both made mistakes and perhaps weren't as understanding of each other as we thought we were. Maybe I pressured her too much, maybe I really was too overbearing...but then again, she was living with her ex, while claiming to love me...how was I supposed to feel? react?

It's been almost 6 months since she "broke off" with me, In all honesty, I didn't think I'd ever see her again and while part of me, misses her very much, another part is too afraid of not being able to handle seeing her again and was perfectly content with the idea of not seeing her again. About a month ago, she randomly said in a text that she was finally moving out of her ex's place, now a few days ago, she texted me...saying that she finally got her license.....followed by "now I'll be able to go visit you".

I've talked to other women since then, one In particular I really like and even though we don't live near each other, I'm willing to travel to her and meet her. I like her...a lot, but none has come close to filling that empty space my ex left and I don't know if I'll be able to handle seeing her again.

I invest minimal time, toil, and resources for relationship drama. I walk away and move on. I do the same with my neighbors, relatives, children, everyone. I don't do games or second chances. And I don't make problems for the people I part company with. I don't hafta like you to treat you right.

Who, Lisa? Fuck, no! That woman.....let's just say that we will never be friends!

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

I invest minimal time, toil, and resources for relationship drama. I walk away and move on. I do the same with my neighbors, relatives, children, everyone. I don't do games or second chances. And I don't make problems for the people I part company with. I don't hafta like you to treat you right.

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So why the "me me me me"?

Because we had children together I had no choice but to be friends with my ex . After a while emotions die down and things get easier

I have done this many times.
I find it is harder to do the longer you have been with the person.
Also it depends on the kind of dynamic you two had.
If it ended well and you two were fairly decent friends back then, then sure it can be picked up where you left off.

But from my experience, nothing good ever came from being friends with an ex.
Feelings, issues, drama etc.

Unless you two were strictly fuck-buddies, and want to continue that, then sure, as long as you both are aware of what the other expects from the "relationship" you'll have.