1st story needs feedback

hello everyone.

after reading lots of stories on literotica, i decided to give this writing thing a go. my story has just been put on the site and I would love to have some feedback on it.

http://www.literotica.com/s/confessions-of-a-dirty-dj-ch-01

if the link doesn't work you can find the story in the non-consensual/reluctance category.

t_challa said:

hello everyone.

after reading lots of stories on literotica, i decided to give this writing thing a go. my story has just been put on the site and I would love to have some feedback on it.

http://www.literotica.com/s/confessions-of-a-dirty-dj-ch-01

if the link doesn't work you can find the story in the non-consensual/reluctance category.

Click to expand...

I see glimpses of good writing weighed down by many readability problems.

remove the spaces in the links.

- The first sentence is interesting, the rest of the introduction is a forgettable Info-Dump. Instead of starting your story with a wall of character exposition, you could insert your character into a scene where they reveal their true nature.

- "Thought", "I thought this", and "I thought that". Urgh. Kill those phrases. I don't want you to declare what your characters are thinking. http:// fychuckpalahniuk.tumblr.com /post/9285901274/ thought-verbs-by-chuck-palahniuk

- You are using a wide variety of words instead of using simple understandable words. Variety keeps things interesting but you went too far and readability suffered. It is OK to repeat yourself. I see "back passage", "puckered hole", "sphincter", and etc. Yes, we know it is, so just say it. It would even be good for your main character to overuse one word - "arsehole", "anus", or whatever. He is molesting her arse not making love to her.

- Most times when you use adverbs it is because you are being too lazy to show the action.

- Never use brackets, i.e. to have thoughts, commas will do.

- Exclamation mark abuse: you are allowed one exclamation mark per story. Spend your exclamation mark wisely.

- Capital letters are only used for yelling. You can still have emphasis with short sentences. Like. Really. Short. Sentences. But don't abuse this technique.

- Never use semicolons. You aren't writing essays where you are trying highlight connecting ideas. Fullstops will do instead of semicolons.

- some of your expressions are weird (Anime cat grin vs. Cheshire cat grin)

- The biggest problem with your writing is that you are not using commas properly. You managed to overuse and not use commas where you should be. Overuse is your main problem. http:// grammar.ccc.commnet. edu /grammar/commas.htm

You need a competent editor.

Sorry, rape doesn't work for me. Also you need a better editor they missed a lot.

I'm not going to comment on your subject matter, other than to say I found it distasteful and possibly violative of Lit. guidelines. Rather, I'm going to focus solely on the writing.

As other have already noted, the editing overall was inconsistent. I noticed missing words, misplaced commas, and incorrect use of possessive pronouns to name a few errors. It wasn't so bad as to make the story unreadable, but it was distracting.

You lost me as a reader three paragraphs in when you started the personal description. I find the "... first let me tell you about myself ..." method of describing the narrator as an especially clunky and disruptive intrusion. It is especially offensive in first person POV, When I read that my first thought is "this is what the author wishes s/he looked like." Normally, I'm clicking out of the story at that point.

I continued reading, however, and for the most part the sequence in the club was OK. I didn't have a serious problem with the first assault, but the story went totally off the rails for me with the second assault. Any woman who could sleep an anal rape would probably be in a coma. My suspension of disbelief utterly failed at that point.

Overall the writing was not bad, but some questionable choices and inadequate editing drag this story down for me. These are all fixable issues that can be addressed before the next chapter is submitted. Good luck.