Feedback on a First Submission.

Hey All,

I recently submitted my first short story, and I would absolutely love to get some feedback from the community regarding it's merits. I feel that it's okay overall, but I know that my writing can be refined.

I know that I can be more succinct, and that my penchant for dependent clauses leads to many long and somewhat convoluted sentences. For the most part, I think it's a good piece, but this being my first effort I feel like I really need to hear back from those more familiar with the genre than I am.

Here it is...

The Confidence of Summer
by Challenger deep
Found in Erotic Couplings

Here's a short selection:

Now she took a step toward me and placed her hands flat against my chest, and looking up at me with her sky blue eyes she bit her lower lip. I could feel her flowery perfume surround me as she stared up longingly. A stray curl of golden hair crossed the frame the glasses resting on her pinkened and youthful cheeks, glowing and supple in the evening's sunlight cast upon her face. Broken by her girlish seduction, I relented and pushed the lock of hair from her eyes. Now, she blinked and smiled broadly, then looking down in apparent satisfaction at our new circumstances.

The rest can be found here:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-confidence-of-summer


Thanks a bunch everyone! Can't wait to hear what you think!

Entertaining, if perhaps (and I don't quite believe I of all people am saying this) a little over-written. Once I got past the three long "blah blah blah, let's establish he's stressed" paragraphs, that is.

And the appearance in court:

a plaintiff and beckoning moan rose from Summer

Click to expand...

You do mean 'plaintive', I think (although it's possibly set in law firm, but I suspect not).

A couple of paragraphs suffered from tense shifts, but other than that, not much technical to complain about - just working the thesaurus too hard, I felt.

Some sweet observational stuff on Summer, and her engaging personality shone through - nicely portrayed.

Thanks for the feedback. The long intro was in anticipation of potentially making this a part of a longer series, but it is what it is.

I am sorry but I didn't like it.
A good story starts with something interesting to draw the reader in, but the first paragraph is very dull.
The second paragraph says she is unique, but there seems to be nothing unique about her.
The overall plot lacks interest. The reader knows from the start what is going to happen, and it happens without any surprises. The way she comes on to him and they are suddenly having sex does not seem realistic.
One technical thing is that the story jumps between present tense and past tense.

Some of your sentences need to be broken up a bit, either by using commas, or by stopping them entirely with periods and starting a new sentence.

While I don't personally like office romance stories between a boss and a subordinate, I do have to say that Summer's physical look was described nicely, which helped mitigate that dislike. Overall, a mixed bag, but not at all bad for a first submission.