I need a feedback of my story

[Spykid427]

It's been over 6 years since she started working in our house, i always fantasize about having an secret affair with a maid, i have grown she too when I was a teen she wasnt desirable enough but now her petite body covered with sweat makes me run my toung around her slippery neck and back.

Untill now we had an very unusual relationship between each other, I am 21 now and she around 36-37, we never used to talk since we both kinda shy with each other, we never even used to see each other in eyes while she worked for us from last 6 years, i believed she thought of me as her son since I heard her call me 'beta' few times which means 'son' in Hindi, She also has a daughter around my age along 3 other childrens, most of them is married now, she comes from a near town which is a rural area, she works at people's home clean groceries & floor, her husband is a drunkard.
Coming back to us
We never had a full conversation yet in whole 6 years,
I just used to peak through the window when she used to work, smelly aroma filled whole my bedroom when she enters, i made few videos of her exposive waist and back while she worked bend over to clean floor... Untill one day...

It's Nov 2023, i have a pretty fair athletic body, since I work out as I get time from college work, so i maintain my physic, 70kg handsome young man. I just came from a shower naked just a towel wrapped around my stomach and leg, I noticed her she kept looking at me as my eyes rolled towards her she jiggled and moved her head away, i felt a tingle inside my body.
Few days later it was morning i was on bed sleeping, i felt a sensation above my nose, ''maybe blanket ? A bug ?" I thought, a pungent smell was coming from it, like a fermented food, very earthly & raw. I woke up with that smell but acted as if i was in sleep.
I saw it was my maids ring finger, the smell that was coming was from her pre cumed vagina, she put her finger under her pussy and taking out the cum from it to make me smell it while I was acting asleep, she poured some part of it on my lips making me lick and wash it away from my tongue, i noticed this back and forth she kept thinking I was in sleep little did she know I was kinda enjoying the aroma of it, she was a little pervy creep i never knew about, later I got to know she did this many times before...

 

[yukonnights]

First let me say kudos for trying your hand at a story in English. I wouldn't have a clue how to write something in your language. With that in mind, I'd suggest you try to find someone who does write/speak English and ask them to proof read your stories for errors.

One thing I can tell you is; The story is too short to really be a story. I'd suggest you read some other author's stories and take note of how they develop. This might give you a better idea of how to build a more complete story.

Hope some of this helps you as you develop as an author !

 

[Sammael Bard]

You have to decide whether you want to tell the story in present tense or past tense and stick to it. Switching between them without warning makes a confusing read.

You should also read more erotica in English. That'll give you a general idea about words authors tend to use in an erotic scene. Skilled wordplay is half the game in a short story. The more experience you have, the better. This is reflected in the way you write and describe a scene.

You can use grammarly (it's free) for a second pair of eyes on your work. It'll highlight flaws you normally wouldn't notice as a writer. Use that before you send your work to an editor.

Hope that helps.