Request for feedback

I'm curious to know how I can improve my incest/taboo story "Gloryhole Surprise," about a girl who encounters her own father at a gloryhole. It's my favorite story of mine, but it needs some sharpening up.

Thanks in advance for your constructive criticism.

http://www.literotica.com/s/gloryhole-surprise-1

I would add that after she realized it was her father, and she stayed to suck more cocks, that she was more voracious than when she started. Shes so turned on by the fact that it was her daddy that she was even hungrier and more eager to be the huge slut she is...

it seems pretty much done to me.

it might not be to everyone's tastes, but the sewer-mouthed narrative has an edge to it that keeps in with the tone of the scene.

the ref to 34H tits is superfluous - you already established she's a busty girl.

it's a piece that will appeal to a goodly portion of the readership.

Perhaps a way to improve may be to extend the scenes? make them longer (no pun).

You could give her a name.
Other than that its great to me.
You made this incest fantasy story enjoyable to read and allowed the male character to act in control even though we all know she went along because it was pleasurable for her and gave her such a thrill playing the slutty whore for everyone.
I loved the Poker table tease you put in there and I wonder does she have any friends who are whores too or female neighbors?
You have so dailed into my nasty wet dreams.

It may be personal, but I felt the use of 2 first person viewpoints took away some tension. Couldn't Dad stay third person. He can still describe his feelings and she can be more shocked when she realises who he is.

Gives more of an element of surprise.

Please, please lose the breast sizes. Describe the breasts and their full size, but '34H' is both unlikely and a turnoff.

Couple of minor things.

Surely your first sentence should read, " I love to suck cock and today I'm very turned on'.

Given the setting, 'How innocent her mouth is' jars a bit.

Not bad. Good luck to you.

elfin_odalisque said:

It may be personal, but I felt the use of 2 first person viewpoints took away some tension. Couldn't Dad stay third person. He can still describe his feelings and she can be more shocked when she realises who he is.

Gives more of an element of surprise.

Please, please lose the breast sizes. Describe the breasts and their full size, but '34H' is both unlikely and a turnoff.

Couple of minor things.

Surely your first sentence should read, " I love to suck cock and today I'm very turned on'.

Given the setting, 'How innocent her mouth is' jars a bit.

Not bad. Good luck to you.

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doesn' jodi piccoult use two first-person views in one of her books?

can't be sure. maybe it was first for a specific character and third for the rest?

*mumbles and wanders off*

geronimo_appleby said:

doesn' jodi piccoult use two first-person views in one of her books?

can't be sure. maybe it was first for a specific character and third for the rest?

*mumbles and wanders off*

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I haven't read Jodi Picoult, but she very well might do that. I've certainly read authors who have and there's nothing wrong with that device per se. It may be that it just doesn't work for this story (which I haven't read and don't intend to).

PennLady said:

I haven't read Jodi Picoult, but she very well might do that. I've certainly read authors who have and there's nothing wrong with that device per se. It may be that it just doesn't work for this story (which I haven't read and don't intend to).

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she's well worth delving into. but i'd suggest not being in a slightly depressed mood when embarking. she doesn't do too many happy endings.

ah, and wasn't Gone Girl done in two first person POV? gillian whatsherface?

geronimo_appleby said:

she's well worth delving into. but i'd suggest not being in a slightly depressed mood when embarking. she doesn't do too many happy endings.

ah, and wasn't Gone Girl done in two first person POV? gillian whatsherface?

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Yeah, that first part is why I think I've avoided her. I mean it's fine, happy endings aren't a requirement, but sometimes I just want one.

Yes, Gone Girl. good call. That one I did read. Two unreliable narrators, even. (Gillian Flynn)

PennLady said:

Yeah, that first part is why I think I've avoided her. I mean it's fine, happy endings aren't a requirement, but sometimes I just want one.

Yes, Gone Girl. good call. That one I did read. Two unreliable narrators, even. (Gillian Flynn)

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her other two are worth a read, too.

Once again I say it. Writer, keep yourself out of the story.

"Once there, I get myself situated in the booth. I put the filthy throw pillow on the ground (pay attention, your character is inside, therefor the pillow would be on the floor, not the ground) and get on my knees in front of the hole. (anything wrong with the verb "kneel" that it needs 'get' to help it along?) I lift up (are you sure you did not lift it down?) my little tank top, pull my big bra down, and expose my huge 34H tits. (Wait a sec, let me get my tape measure to check you.) (Also, it is only at this point that the reader discovers the narrator is a woman, but maybe not, could still be drag queen.) They jut forward (I thrust them forward) and wobble provocatively as the first hard dick slides through the hole. My cunt creams in my panties and my mouth waters as I take it(believe it or not, this pronoun refers to " mouth" or "cunt" the closest preceding nouns.) into my mouth."(mouth-mouth very awkward.) (if these are truckers in from the road, they should smell to high heaven and laugh at her and fart and . . .you get the idea, make it true to life.)

Get a Strunk and White, a thesaurus and a dictionary. And an editor.

Describe the dark wrinkled (or light pink or flaming red) heavy ominous cock that slides through the hole. Make the experience real. Tell you reader what the cock, cunt, mouth, etc, looked like, smelled like, tasted like felt like . Did it only breach the base of her fat (pointed. delicate, hungry) tongue), or did it penetrate deep in her throat? Did it smell, taste, like piss? cum?, asshole?, sweat? Was it sweet, acrid, annoying, delicious? Give us something to make the scene come to life 34H does not do it. This is a zero on my peter meter.

Almost a good opening sentence, but not shocking enough.

Thoughts

Just s couple thoughts. I agree to some extent with Robert. Pick a POV (first person, third person) and be consistent. If there's a first person narrator, it's a bit challenging to switch to a second narrator.

As for the gloryhole...I would have expected more hand play with the blowjob.

I think the description at the end would have been better had you just left it at Daddy fantasizing about the punishment. Leave the reader wanting more. As it was, it just seemed like you wanted to finish with a clean ending.