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Do you hide your sexual needs from your significant other?

Liv2Day said:
I finally came out to my wife about my Bi/CD interests... She was somewhat taken back but overall understanding. I think she had an idea already as she has found my toys and other items before. I have hidden from her my desires for a long time. We have not been intimate for over 2 years, due a medical condition I have.

She doesn't seem to need sex, intimacy or a connection that way, we are more like roommates at this point. I am not sure what's next and will be taking it slow to see if she wants to know more or we just keep going as we have been...
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How courageous of you. I sincerely hope everything works out for the both of you. If you feel like talking, let us know about it.m

V.
 
We had a minor blowout the other night. I shared more than I have ever done about my feelings.

End result: any improvement lasted a day! So I continue to do my own thing here and will probably stray in reality within a year!

Guilt? None!

His inaction is forcing my reaction!

:mad:
 
DDBustyBrit said:
We had a minor blowout the other night. I shared more than I have ever done about my feelings.

End result: any improvement lasted a day! So I continue to do my own thing here and will probably stray in reality within a year!

Guilt? None!

His inaction is forcing my reaction!

:mad:
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Sending hugs!
 
DDBustyBrit said:
We had a minor blowout the other night. I shared more than I have ever done about my feelings.

End result: any improvement lasted a day! So I continue to do my own thing here and will probably stray in reality within a year!

Guilt? None!

His inaction is forcing my reaction!

:mad:
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The fact that you have shared your feelings with him means that you still care. Do you consider this a last-ditch effort from you?

I have no doubt that you are hurting and reached out to him and expected a reaction or something that would last more than a few hours.

Your last sentence has the raw emotion of someone who is fed up and mad.

Respectfully, you seem to be flirting with indifference of some kind and rationalizing it on his inaction.

It takes on average 8 or more weeks for habits to change. On your way to change there will undoubtably be set backs; maybe even another blowout, perhaps more than minor.


((((DDBB))))

V.
 
Vitriolhack said:
How courageous of you. I sincerely hope everything works out for the both of you. If you feel like talking, let us know about it.m

V.
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Thanks Vit! I am at so much of a crossroads.

I miss the connection and the feeling of being wanted so much I feel I will be stepping out soon. I thought/hoped that lit would be enough but I am realizing that as much as I appreciate everyone here and the stories, insights and pictures they share. It will never replace the feeling of intamacy we all crave.
 
Vitriolhack said:
The fact that you have shared your feelings with him means that you still care. Do you consider this a last-ditch effort from you?

I have no doubt that you are hurting and reached out to him and expected a reaction or something that would last more than a few hours.

Your last sentence has the raw emotion of someone who is fed up and mad.

Respectfully, you seem to be flirting with indifference of some kind and rationalizing it on his inaction.

It takes on average 8 or more weeks for habits to change. On your way to change there will undoubtably be set backs; maybe even another blowout, perhaps more than minor.


((((DDBB))))

V.
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You have my feelings well assessed Vit, not sure where I go from here
 
Late to the party

Vitriolhack said:
I will admit that I have had more meaningful conversations on the lit chat with virtual strangers that with my wife.

Having tried to talk to her about it, I know how she would react and judge me.

I am not unhappy about the choices I have made, but, I am curious to know if others here in the same boat I am in?
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I know I am late getting here but I always knew I was not the only person/ couple with this problem. My wife and I are polar opposites in terms of sexual needs. We have talked about it, been through counseling for many years and she will not budge. A few years back, I gave her an out. She does not ever have to have sex with me again however, she doesn’t want me to have any sexual gratification either...this is the part I have to hide from her.
 
Mikethick57 said:
I know I am late getting here but I always knew I was not the only person/ couple with this problem. My wife and I are polar opposites in terms of sexual needs. We have talked about it, been through counseling for many years and she will not budge. A few years back, I gave her an out. She does not ever have to have sex with me again however, she doesn’t want me to have any sexual gratification either...this is the part I have to hide from her.
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Seriously it’s quite unbelievable and laughably funny in a way!

Sex is an expected part of marriage!

We are not the selfish ones here, we’re just seemingly expected to make the sacrifice and live with it for the rest of our lives!

And they’re entitled to be upset if we stray! (British sarcasm!)
 
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An out?

Mikethick57 said:
I know I am late getting here but I always knew I was not the only person/ couple with this problem. My wife and I are polar opposites in terms of sexual needs. We have talked about it, been through counseling for many years and she will not budge. A few years back, I gave her an out. She does not ever have to have sex with me again however, she doesn’t want me to have any sexual gratification either...this is the part I have to hide from her.
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By an out, do I understand correctly that you told her she does not have to have sex you and she can have sex with whomever she wants?

She said no to sex with others and no to sex with you?

If you have been through counselling, i am assuming the professional tried to uncover past potential issues perhaps even during 1 on 1 session individually.

Other than sex, do you guys get along?

It is rare, but the same way men and woman can be attracted to the opposite or same sex, some people, asexual ones, have have no attraction to others.

This does not mean there is something wrong with them.

At any rate, I sense you are hurting; I hope you two come to a better understanding of each other’s feelings and needs.
 
Vitriolhack said:
By an out, do I understand correctly that you told her she does not have to have sex you and she can have sex with whomever she wants?

She said no to sex with others and no to sex with you?

If you have been through counselling, i am assuming the professional tried to uncover past potential issues perhaps even during 1 on 1 session individually.

Other than sex, do you guys get along?

It is rare, but the same way men and woman can be attracted to the opposite or same sex, some people, asexual ones, have have no attraction to others.

This does not mean there is something wrong with them.

At any rate, I sense you are hurting; I hope you two come to a better understanding of each other’s feelings and needs.
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By an out I meant she does not have to live with the pressure of having to have sex with me. She doesn’t want sex with anyone. The rub is where she expects me to live that way also. I gave her the out in hopes that removing the pressure, she’d come around...nope. After years of therapy, I don’t know what was covered in their one on one sessions, what I do know is that nothing has helped. I have to hide my online activity from her as she does not want me to have sexual pleasure either. She will not accept the fact that this is a part of life, a part of married life. Most will say why stay married? It’s cheaper to keep her. Plus, I do not want want to split my family up, I’ve seen how things go and it rarely ends well. I do not want to risk that, I’d rather live this small part of my life I n the shadows than risk losing my family over it. Except for this one part of our life, yes, we get along well.
 
Mikethick57 said:
By an out I meant she does not have to live with the pressure of having to have sex with me. She doesn’t want sex with anyone. The rub is where she expects me to live that way also. I gave her the out in hopes that removing the pressure, she’d come around...nope. After years of therapy, I don’t know what was covered in their one on one sessions, what I do know is that nothing has helped. I have to hide my online activity from her as she does not want me to have sexual pleasure either. She will not accept the fact that this is a part of life, a part of married life. Most will say why stay married? It’s cheaper to keep her. Plus, I do not want want to split my family up, I’ve seen how things go and it rarely ends well. I do not want to risk that, I’d rather live this small part of my life I n the shadows than risk losing my family over it. Except for this one part of our life, yes, we get along well.
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Thank you for clarifying.

When our sexual needs are not reciprocated one can get very frustrated.

Not everything need to be shared, I am glad you find some solace here.
 
I agree with much of this. Having put up with pretty much zero sex, intimacy, physical affection (asexual hugging, kissing, hand holding, eye contact) for many years now, I am done. Simple requests, doing what's asked, providing for home and family, not hassling or asking for sex, asking for sex, suggesting counselling, it goes on and on. But I can't be bothered any more, I am mortal and I won't spend the rest of my life in this hole. Good luck everyone.
 
When I was married (divorced in 1998), yes I hid my sexual needs. Looking back I think it was a mistake, but that was not in the cards. Of course, that was 'before the internet' when we were all ignoramuses about many sexual subjects. However, I don't think it would have made much difference. I do regret not having sites like Literotica and Tumblr's in those days; I would have spilt a whole lot more semen...
 
CambridgeDom said:
I agree with much of this. Having put up with pretty much zero sex, intimacy, physical affection (asexual hugging, kissing, hand holding, eye contact) for many years now, I am done. Simple requests, doing what's asked, providing for home and family, not hassling or asking for sex, asking for sex, suggesting counselling, it goes on and on. But I can't be bothered any more, I am mortal and I won't spend the rest of my life in this hole. Good luck everyone.
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I’m with you!

Not heading to the divorce court, but I am going to find someone in the same situation with as much to lose, and start a mutually satisfying ‘real life’ relationship, where we get great sex at least a few times a year!

And my search has already progressed to where a solution has potentially arrived ;)
 
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DDBustyBrit said:
I’m with you!

Not heading to the divorce court, but I am going to find someone in a the same situation with as much to lose, and start a mutually satisfying ‘real life’ relationship, where we get great sex at least a few times a year!

And my search has already progressed to where a solution has potentially arrived ;)
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Whoa, please do let us know how it works out.

V.
 
DDBustyBrit said:
I’m with you!

Not heading to the divorce court, but I am going to find someone in a the same situation with as much to lose, and start a mutually satisfying ‘real life’ relationship, where we get great sex at least a few times a year!

And my search has already progressed to where a solution has potentially arrived ;)
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Good for you! Hope it all works out well
 
I'm wondering... should I deliberately let my wife catch me masturbating just to kick start a conversation about my needs? What do people think?
 
Led_Astray said:
I'm wondering... should I deliberately let my wife catch me masturbating just to kick start a conversation about my needs? What do people think?
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What is your end strategy? What do you hope to achieve after the conversation?

Will her catching you masturbating puss her off? If that is the case, do you really want to start a conversation with her coming in hot?

Will she ignore you? Interesting, at least if she is mad she has some kind of emotional reaction.

How about just telling her you would like to talk to her? Preferably not in the bedroom.

Starting what could be a difficult conversation can be challenging, I agree.

Safe talks,

V.
 
Well I tried to initiate a couple of weeks ago, and ironically it was me that put a stop to it. Be sure you still even have the desire for her, I think when it goes on too long it affects our desire. It has for me and we did try to discuss calmly and it went nowhere.

So here I am taking steps!
 
DDBustyBrit said:
Well I tried to initiate a couple of weeks ago, and ironically it was me that put a stop to it. Be sure you still even have the desire for her, I think when it goes on too long it affects our desire. It has for me and we did try to discuss calmly and it went nowhere.

So here I am taking steps!
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I figure she has to pay the rent somehow.
 
DDBustyBrit said:
Well I tried to initiate a couple of weeks ago, and ironically it was me that put a stop to it. Be sure you still even have the desire for her, I think when it goes on too long it affects our desire. It has for me and we did try to discuss calmly and it went nowhere.

So here I am taking steps!
Click to expand...

There is an art to talking and dialogue. When the tension rises and the shouting starts it is all too easy to start your comment with “you....” as oppose to “I feel like you are not paying attention to me.”

What is it that you want to fix? It helps to know this ahead of the conversation and zero in on that point only.

If this has been many months or years that you have been carrying a grudge, it may take more than one conversation.
 
Vitriolhack said:
There is an art to talking and dialogue. When the tension rises and the shouting starts it is all too easy to start your comment with “you....” as oppose to “I feel like you are not paying attention to me.”

What is it that you want to fix? It helps to know this ahead of the conversation and zero in on that point only.

If this has been many months or years that you have been carrying a grudge, it may take more than one conversation.
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Vit, I appreciate your comment and you are so right. But no we did counseling, this wasn’t a shouting match by any means, more of a discussion and it’s one of many. I think this purely the 20 year age difference finally kicking in, plus total opposite sex drives, the love and relationship is still there.

I actually have decided after talking to a close friend yesterday, he won’t give me his okay literally, but by not arguing he’s effectively giving me a blank check, he just doesn’t want to know.
 
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DDBustyBrit said:
Vit, I appreciate your comment and you are so right. But no we did counseling, this wasn’t a shouting match by any means, more of a discussion and it’s one of many. I think this purely the 20 year age difference finally kicking in, plus total opposite sex drives, the love and relationship is still there.

I actually have decided after talking to a close friend yesterday, he won’t give me his okay literally, but by not arguing he’s effectively giving me a blank check, he just doesn’t want to know.
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Will you be writing a story about it? ..... enquiring minds want to know. ;)

Enjoy your fun
 
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