How to overcome insecurity

Belle_Nuit said:

Thank you. I keep telling myself this. It's easy to feel deficient. I don't really care that I can't orgasm from intercourse. I wish that I could with fingers, or with oral. The vibe is the only thing that does it. I know it hurts his ego. Its frustrating for me as well.

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It sounds like you need to relax. How you go about doing this is absolutely up to you, but it sounds like you need to get comfortable with who you are sexually. I think that my wife is very similar to you in many respects.

I wouldn't do anything that you aren't comfortable with and don't feel pressured. At the end of the day, sex should be about fun, so you need to enjoy it too. Just take some time to explore your feelings about sex and remember that whatever you feel is nothing to be ashamed about. It's all perfectly natural.

Once you've figured out what you want and feel comfortable with yourself I think everything will just go from there.

Belle_Nuit said:

I don't have those strong beliefs any longer. But I continue to have this niggling thought that sex should be between two people and anything more is wrong. Which I know isn't a popular way of thinking about it these days. The thought irritates me actually. Because it makes me "stuck." It keeps me in my safe/comfort zone.

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Well, there's nothing wrong with monogamy. The way your relationship seems to be right now, bringing in additional people might harm it. I mean, it might not ... but right now the foundation doesn't seem super-firm.

rhod101 said:

It sounds like you need to relax. How you go about doing this is absolutely up to you, but it sounds like you need to get comfortable with who you are sexually. I think that my wife is very similar to you in many respects.

I wouldn't do anything that you aren't comfortable with and don't feel pressured. At the end of the day, sex should be about fun, so you need to enjoy it too. Just take some time to explore your feelings about sex and remember that whatever you feel is nothing to be ashamed about. It's all perfectly natural.

Once you've figured out what you want and feel comfortable with yourself I think everything will just go from there.

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That makes sense. I'll tell him to slow things down (which sounds kind of funny after 7 years).

Belle_Nuit said:

I don't have those strong beliefs any longer. But I continue to have this niggling thought that sex should be between two people and anything more is wrong. Which I know isn't a popular way of thinking about it these days. The thought irritates me actually. Because it makes me "stuck." It keeps me in my safe/comfort zone.

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There is nothing wrong with being wired to be monoamorous. Some people are. It is one thing if you start judging others for their sexual natures, then that is something to talk about, but you aren't. You are questioning if, for you, you can do a more-some or be in an open relationship or have sex with more than one person aside from your partner. It's a world of difference.

Being open-minded is also knowing what works for you, and if you are comfortable with sex with a partner that you have developed intimate feelings for, then that is the right sex for you.

Who really gives a shit about what's popular and what's not? I will wager that there are quite a few people who are not happy with their sexual situation because they believe that they should be in open relationships, because that is the 'popular' way of being, as much as there are very happy individuals because they are in one.

There is a huge difference between accepting a lifestyle and adapting one. You have to figure out what's good for YOU. You can have a very healthy committed poly-relationship if that is for you. If you are hesitant, if you are ambiguous, then you are lying to your partner(s) and to yourself.

Maybe you are poly. Maybe you are mono. I don't know; only you can decide that. But if you are hesitant in the idea of a more-some happening - and not just fantasising - then it's a pretty good indication of how you are wired. It also sounds like you're being pressured in embracing poly -or even just playing with others - when you are not ready. How is that any different from being pressured into having sex when you are not ready or waterboarding or insert-any-activity-here when you are not ready?

It's seriously and honestly okay to be mono, just as it's seriously and honestly okay to be poly. There is no right or wrong, only what is right or wrong for you. Don't be pressured to change who you are.

And for what it's worth, if the situation was reversed, if you were hesitant in keeping a mono lifestyle when you are absolutely sure that you are poly, I'd offer the same advice.

You have a lot to think about. I hope that you do take the time to do so.

fire_breeze said:

There is nothing wrong with being wired to be monoamorous. Some people are. It is one thing if you start judging others for their sexual natures, then that is something to talk about, but you aren't. You are questioning if, for you, you can do a more-some or be in an open relationship or have sex with more than one person aside from your partner. It's a world of difference.

Being open-minded is also knowing what works for you, and if you are comfortable with sex with a partner that you have developed intimate feelings for, then that is the right sex for you.

Who really gives a shit about what's popular and what's not? I will wager that there are quite a few people who are not happy with their sexual situation because they believe that they should be in open relationships, because that is the 'popular' way of being, as much as there are very happy individuals because they are in one.

There is a huge difference between accepting a lifestyle and adapting one. You have to figure out what's good for YOU. You can have a very healthy committed poly-relationship if that is for you. If you are hesitant, if you are ambiguous, then you are lying to your partner(s) and to yourself.

Maybe you are poly. Maybe you are mono. I don't know; only you can decide that. But if you are hesitant in the idea of a more-some happening - and not just fantasising - then it's a pretty good indication of how you are wired. It also sounds like you're being pressured in embracing poly -or even just playing with others - when you are not ready. How is that any different from being pressured into having sex when you are not ready or waterboarding or insert-any-activity-here when you are not ready?

It's seriously and honestly okay to be mono, just as it's seriously and honestly okay to be poly. There is no right or wrong, only what is right or wrong for you. Don't be pressured to change who you are.

And for what it's worth, if the situation was reversed, if you were hesitant in keeping a mono lifestyle when you are absolutely sure that you are poly, I'd offer the same advice.

You have a lot to think about. I hope that you do take the time to do so.

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Thank you. I appreciate your insight a lot

fire breeze is pretty awesome and invariably wise, i've always found. :>

ed

silverwhisper said:

fire breeze is pretty awesome and invariably wise, i've always found. :>

ed

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I've begun to notice that as well!

Belle,
A lifetime together is somewhat of a negotiation. Everyone has wild fantasies and when pressured they will often share them.

My wife and I have been married 28+ years, when we first met sex was frequent, but pretty vanilla.

Today, both of get off every time we fool around, usually her first. We occasionally do anal in both directions but not for a while, oral both ways most times, she deepthroats me just about everytime because she has come to enjoy it.

We once fooled around with another couple, but it ended poorly with the other guy trying to get my wife to fool around on the side so that's a fantasy that stays a fantasy.

Just fool around, have some fun, don't overthink it in either direction.

Get confident, stupid.

insecure

I looked your pictures and you a doll, you have nothing to be insecure about!

Books... they seem to have so many answers! I'd run to the library and borrow (or rush to abebooks and buy) 1. The Dark side of the Light chasers.. because there's great passages in there about uncovering, understanding, and getting past parts about your self you might not like, or that might be holding you back, aka, guilt. Seriously.. really interesting. Second book: Tapping into success. Another fantastic book with easy ways to rid yourself of guilt, and to some extent perhaps accept yourself.

As for the other issue.. pretty much what others have mentioned. Read different types of stories, explore kinks on youporn or some other site, and perhaps even search through sites like fetlife or some other site. The main stays of fet life can be a bit.. over bearing.. but through searching previous forum posts here on lit.. just reading what people have to say about things.. you may find kindle some sparks, or warnings, for you. I've also found that just TRYING things for the first time.. things you might never have thought about.. will all of a sudden be a new turn on. I was kissing my Sir's arm the other night as part of teasing.. refusing to use my lips right away where he wanted them.. taking my time.. and he said.. all of a sudden that was erotic for him, and it had never been before. I now have every intention of seductively, and in discreet moments, kissing his arm when there's little he can do to retaliate. I like teasing. Point is.. obviously don't rush into things you are weary of, but perhaps find baby steps to some areas, and be open to the possibility that you might be pleasantly surprised. Often if I'm weary of something.. it's because I really don't know what to expect. I find that if I familiarize my self with a subject.. read lit stories, watch videos ect.. the more I learn about it, the more I see how others enjoy it..the more intrigued and the less spooked I am by something. Or.. the more I definitely know it's a strict no go

Another thought..

When I was younger, my friends would adamantly talk about how the anus was strictly exit only. I'm not sure how I became interested in it, but somehow.. my socialized fear or what not lessened. At somepoint I found that if I clenched my so called back door while masturbating/riding my vibe, things became wildly pleasurable back there.. oftentimes more so than front side. Turns out there are a LOT of really nice nerves back there. I've reached orgasm many times simply from clenching, as a finish to other masturbation. I once asked a friend of mine what the best sensation ever, was. She surprised me by saying (warning.. this is slightly.. um.. gross) taking a really satisfying s*it. Not being able to get that out of my mind whenever um.. such an occurrence happens.. I found she was right to some degree. Sometime later I came across an article on internal and external prostate massage, or, "milking" for men somewhere in these boards.. it peaked my interest.

I dated a guy for a short time that actually enjoyed rimming.. it was honestly amazing!!

Anyhow. Bottom line (pun intended) I've been pleasantly surprised, and learned a lot about what I do, and don't want.. by putting out feelers and just learning what I could about a list of different subjects went a long way to clarifying fears, and figuring out lines.

Belle_Nuit said:

Many of you may have read my "need to vent" thread. I posted that thread right after a fight, and I was very angry at the time... literally, I just needed to vent.

This thread is kind of in addition to that thread.

Turns out my partner DOES have a sex drive. He's kinky, and I'm not sure if I am or not. He decided he would "behave" which translated into us having sex once a month, which is definitely not what I want. Since our fight we've had sex every day since.

1. He wants to have a threesome (doesn't matter if its a man or a woman, he suggested oral only)

2/ He wants to have anal sex (and is willing to work up slowly, I also have a strap on, and he said I don't have to "take" anything that he can't) --- I think I have higher pelvic tone which may make this more difficult for me

3. He wants to practice deep throating - Does anyone know if this damages the throat's anatomy? I don't want to have trouble swallowing when I'm old.

I don't really want to do any of those things, but I'm willing to entertain the thought of them. I'm willing to try anal/deep throating to see if it will work (although I really doubt it will). I'm not opposed to a oral only threesome.

The thing is, I've been with him since I was 18 (I'm 25 now, he's 29). He's the only person I've had sex with. I still don't really know what I like in bed, and what I don't. The idea of all of these things sounds fun, and I wish I was the type of person who could just DO IT, and not feel guilty about it. I feel very insecure about a lot of sex related things, which I think contributes to my hesitation.

How do you get over it (insecurity that is)? How do you decide what's right for you? I've been thinking these things over for many years and still don't seem to have an answer. Do you figure it out by trying it out?

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Break up with him. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.

I have read both posts and one thing that stands out is that you seem to be defending your partner. When people are angry or drunk, the truth about how you feel comes out.

In your other post you vent a few issues you have and your concerns and later down in another post you defend your partner trying to change the way people thought about your parner. I think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself about how your feeling about him.

Couple of other things, I think that your partner has some mental health issues and telling you he is not attracted to you any longer makes him feel better about himself. (You said he has fears about gaining weight). Also smoking dope and what you have said also seems like he may have some sort of depression. Maybe seek some professional help for both of you.

A couple things about you. He is the first guy you have been with and I think this is holding you back. Humans do not like change but most of the time change is good. When I say change I don't mean breaking up with him or having a threesome I mean maybe try dressing up, making yourself feel sexy once you feel secy maybe your confidence will wear off on your partner and things may get better. Also maybe watch some porn and try some things out in your own, you may like some of th stuff and then you can try with your partner. Example with anal may just try on your own with a finger or two.

In regard to your limits such as anal and threesomes, it's simple tell him no, do not do something because he wants to if your against it. It will drive you apart more. What if the threesome turns into more than anal, shat happens if you enjoy it and he didn't. Even if he seems like he is getting shut down its just him smoking and if he loves you he will get over it. Couple other things he may be bi or maybe gay.

I have been with the same person when I was younger together for 7 years 15 to 22 and reason we broke up because we both had never expirenced being with another person. At the time I was devastated but looking back being with many girls later, different length relationships, it always best thing that happened. Now I'm happy with my current girlfriend.

One thing you should ask yourself are you in love with your partner or do you just love your partner. If you are not in love it may be time to move on.