JBJs BOOK REVIEWS: The Real Shit.

THE FIRST RULE by Robert Crais

The Story: Four thugs invade a home and murder everyone. One of the dead is a guy Joe Pike worked with years ago. Joe Pike hasn't seen the guy in years but vows revenge, hunts the killers across Los Angeles, and assembles a team of retired commandos to help him.

Its a fun read if you like nonstop action dripping with blood. The scene with the Pitbulls eating 3 of the killers is excellent. There's even a trailer park in the story! Be still my heart. But the first half of the book is a tedious and viscous march thru mud, Joe Pike sleepwalks everywhere looking for Mike Hunt. The book comes to life in the last half when the Magnificent 7 are reunited and re-create every action-hero there is.

But, and its a big but, Joe Pike becomes his alter-ego. Joe is always mysterious and secretive and quiet. Usually he has muscle tics when he expresses any profound and deeply felt emotion. A long conversation with Joe usually includes YES and NO and maybe a shoulder shrug. But in this book he warbles like Prince Hamlet...about everything. Its like he morphed into Roseanne Roseanna Danna. Joe never shuts up.

The other thing I didn't like are all the little factual errors. Crais doesn't know the name of the preservative manufacturers use to protect rifles. And Joe can smell chlorine from the pool, inside the house. Oh! My! Chlorine is odorless unless it reacts with ammonia, and the only ammonia in a pool comes from urine in the water. Think about that the next time youre in the pool or Jacuzzi, alone with your hunny.

Cosmoline!!!!! Keeps my rifle clean!

Its time to give Robert Crais a rest.

Someone recommended John Sandford, so lets give him a whirl.

THE JUST AND THE UNJUST by James Gould Cozzens

THE STORY: Three morons drown a farmer and are tried for murder.

Cozzens wrote realistic tales about lawyers, priests, etc. This book is an account of a murder trial minus the worst drudge of a transcript, plus some almost interesting subplots involving the players. Its not on the list of best trial novels, its not TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, what it is is the most accurate depiction of a murder trial. And the accuracy makes it valuable as a writing aid. Its no WHODUNNIT, the killers are inept bunglers who made their capture and prosecution easy. Like, a cop goes to the wrong house, to alert the owner that his dog got loose and is at the pound but one of the killers thinks the cop came to arrest him, and spills the beans. Judges like this book, you prolly wont.

A QUIET FLAME by Philip Kerr

An old Nazi flees Germany for Argentina and a new life. But once he gets there Juan Peron puts him to work hunting for a pedophile serial killer. The case reminds the detective of a serial killer back in Berlin circa 1933, and the plot bounces between Berlin in 1933 and Buenos Aires in 1950.

Its all very sexual and violent and sinister, all the principal characters are Nazis, prostitutes, and gangsters. Several of the prostitutes are twisted teen girls. And I mean twisted literally. Theyre cripples.

Some of its funny, like when the detective knocks out a dangerous gangster, using a cucumber as a sap. A sap is a bar of lead inside a leather case.

Its a good read but for one problem: In the earlier books the detective is a reluctant but team playing Nazi. He'd rather not join them BUT the money and power and VIP pals are too attractive to refuse. While in this volume the detective is a rabid anti-Nazi even before Hitler comes to power. There's a whale of a difference tween insulting Nazi VIPs in public, and being timid about joining them. The outrage comes across as bullshit.

Kerr's books always come with lotsa interesting historical curiosities, too.

THE GODWULF MANUSCRIPT by Robert B. Parker.

The Story: Thieves steal an old book from the library of Podunk College and Spenser is hired to recover it. Long story short: Student radicals and some faculty work for the mob to hook students on heroin. The characters are plucked from the 1970 stereotype of radical rick kids like Patty Hearst. Power to the people. Right on! The ones I knew were perfumed pampered pill-poppers, mostly rich Jews and Wasps. The only interesting thing about this book is its terms. Gays are GODDAMNED FAGGOTS in 1970, and blacks are NIGGERS. Parker was a perfesser then, and knew his subject.

I don't care for Robert B. Parker's style but I wanted to read this book as its Parker's first novel, and Robert Crais recommends it to learn the noir style. Parker writes well but cant re-create Philip Marlowe (he tried by finishing Chandlers POODLE SPRINGS novel). Spenser is a store-brand Philip Marlowe. Marlowe was notorious for destroying evidence and changing crime scenes to protect beautiful women who murdered assholes. He destroyed porno photos of his damsels. Spenser is Dudley Doright. Spenser is all non-dairy, no calorie, powder ingredients. Spenser would paper FACEBOOK with your tits and ass. That said, the book does seem to work as a primer for hard crime noir writing.

Death Wish

DEATH WISH by Brian Garfield.

You saw the movie starring Charles Bronson, so you know the plot. But the book is different in some ways. The first half is mostly navel-gazing. Paul Benjamin gets a belly full of the stereotypical liberal response to wanton violence: flee from it and buy off the poor criminals. Paul then starts thinking of criminals as niggers, dope addicts, faggots, spics, and punks. His employer sends him to Arizona where he buys a 32 caliber pistol and gets laid by someone's wife who looks better in the dark.

Back in New York he hunts criminals. An ex-con with a knife gets it first. Next is a nigger robbing a wino. Then two queer car thieves. At the end Paul shoots several kids he see's throwing bricks thru the windows of trains. He shoots each kid who tries to flee down a fire escape where he waits for them. As Paul picks up his spent shells and starts to leave he discovers that the cops were watching him. He walks around them, hails a taxi, and goes home.

Things are worse today, if you can believe it. The week I retired I went with a deputy sheriff on a call to arrest a guy who hadda warrant for late child support. Big deal. The guy was cool but his sister leaped off the sofa onto the deputy's back. He was a huge man and gently removed her. She then called 911 and screamed police brutality. The sheriff's brass treated the deputy like he was the criminal. I was a witness and a state officer, and they couldn't impeach me, but they didn't like it that I cleared the deputy. I told internal affairs, FUCK YOU, PUT ME ON THE STAND AND SEE WHAT I DO TO YOUR ASSHOLE.

Its so cool when authors call spades spades. You could do it in the early 70s before America fell in love with faggots and nigguhs and other cripples. But I had forgotten how introspective people were back then, and timorous.

heres another one for you...

or back to the scandanavians...

or try this guy...

or go french...

I should check my own library more often... Robert B. Parker, Robert b. Parker, surely he's the guy who finished a Chandler tale.

Why, yes. Poodle Springs. And, there was a movie made too (stars Jimmy Caan) - I realise I have both items in my library!

How 'bout that.

Desiremakesmeweak said:

I should check my own library more often... Robert B. Parker, Robert b. Parker, surely he's the guy who finished a Chandler tale.

Why, yes. Poodle Springs. And, there was a movie made too (stars Jimmy Caan) - I realise I have both items in my library!

How 'bout that.

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I've tried Robert B. Parker several times and he doesn't float my boat. He isn't awful, he's generic.

JBJ why dont you shake it up a little.

Instead of crime and noir how about a few romances?

squirrelzo said:

JBJ why dont you shake it up a little.

Instead of crime and noir how about a few romances?

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I think he should buy some books written by lit authors and tear them up.

A Robert B. Parker line: "Hey Marlowe, we've been through a lot together."

I can't image Chandler ever writing that!

Meanwhile what about Spillane, have you 'done' Spillane yet?

ScouriesWorld said:

...or back to the scandanavians...

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Maybe it's just me, but I find most Scandinavian crime novels a little too bleak for my liking, and the plots often unravel into some sort of political conspiracy...

SIX DAYS OF THE CONDOR by James Grady.

I read all of it but the last chapter and have no idea how the story ends.

I'm told the movie, 3 Days of the Condor, is much better; but the story involves a young nerd who works for the CIA reading novels. That is, he reads novels with the idea of finding cloak & dagger plots that might work in the real world.

So one day a CIA bean counter comes by the office curious to learn what happened to 2 boxes of books the CIA bought but cant be found in the stacks. Malcolm, code name CONDOR, sends a memo off to headquarters, and everyone in the office is murdered when Malcolm is at lunch the next day. Malcolm then pushes the panic button and a house falls atop him. What follows is an implausible adventure filled with many incredible miracles. Like this one: Malcolm kidnaps a woman who takes him to her apartment. She's terrified until Malcolm hands her his pistol and goes off to take a long shower. When he returns the woman is cooking his supper, and when he's ready for a nap she gets naked and fucks him to sleep. Mostly Malcolm outwits and bests all the CIA's arch villains. Luke Skywalker vs Darth Vader, and Princess Leah likes plenty of cock.

Its Grady's first novel. I'm impressed with how the pages fly and with the descriptions. I now understand how brilliant CIA people are tho theyre clueless about whats happening in the world. If the book is accurate the CIA is a sideshow where all spy on each other, and fuck each others asses, and their rogue contractors rule the world. Grady was a child when he wrote this book and it reads like it.

lovecraft68 said:

I think he should buy some books written by lit authors and tear them up.

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Seconded.

TIME TO MURDER AND CREATE by Lawrence Block.

Its the second book in the Matt Scudder series.

Scudder is an ex-cop who killed a kid and used the death to abandon his job and family and crawl inside a bottle for a long pity party. He lives in a flop house and makes a little money to stay drunk. He's also self righteous and fulla contempt for lesser mortals....unless they tip him well.

The story: A blackmailer hires Matt to hold a package until something happens. The blackmailer is then found sleeping with the fishes. Matt opens the package. It contains a pack of large bills to pay Matt to find the killer. The blackmailer insists the killer is one of the blackmail victims. Matt uses some of the money to send his wife a money order. No, he doesn't want to see or speak to the kids. But child abusers just piss him off.

The crisis comes when Matt is assaulted by a large man with a knife.

Its well written and fulla interesting subplots. Scudder aint Philip Marlowe, tho.

I guessed who sent the man with the knife but that person passed a lie detector test.

LET US NOW PRAISE FAMOUS MEN by James Agee.

In the 30s FORTUNE magazine sent James Agee and Walker Evans to spend time with sharecropper families in a small rural hamlet. What was supposed to be a magazine article became a 90 page article and a 400 page book.

Agee died young with two books to his credit: LET US NOW PRAISE FAMOUS MEN is a kind of sublime monument to common, simple experiences, and A DEATH IN THE FAMILY won a Pulitzer.

Agee never attempted to ennoble the black and white people he lived among, he often slept on their porches because there was no room inside their shacks, and to escape the summer heat and vermin inside. The book is much more than a chronicle of desperate poor people with crude lives. Agee captures everything, including the infatuation one of the homely girls had for him. He came from wealth and advantages, and dated women of movie star beauty and glamour. This girl was fated to pick cotton and make and bury babies.

Its a beautiful masterwork if you can stand to look at what is. Agee simply wanted to capture WHAT IS.

Some quotes from the book: https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1204501-let-us-now-praise-famous-men